Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 453628 times)

Offline dolphin

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We need some Humor!!!
« on: March 22, 2007, 05:24:05 PM »
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF  LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT  OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE  WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.  I   NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I
REMEMBERED A  TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH  SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I  HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?  
 
 UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH  THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY  TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I  ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
MORGAN PARK HIGH  SCHOOL


"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A  MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I  ASKED
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1958. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!"  I EXCLAIMED.


HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED,  BALD, FAT,

GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-***** ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU  TEACH?"
"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2007, 08:40:08 PM »
Here's a little poem about gettin' older


Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past"

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!
Cheers, Tom

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Offline RHPConsult

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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2007, 09:07:38 PM »
Well, if it's age you want to joke about, herer's a sample I sent to the TeeEss Senior Caucus the other day.


• • • •


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

• • • •


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby!"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

• • • •


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
 
After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
 
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." " Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
 
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

• • • •


Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients beingdischarged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

• • • •


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
 
"No, I can remember it."
 
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
 
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.
 
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

• • • •


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

• • • •


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

• • • •


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor.
 
"What kind is it?"
 
" Twelve thirty."

• • • •


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"Morris replied, " Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Offline bil207

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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2007, 09:11:11 PM »
DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. B@$t@rd$!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
Bill

Offline dolphin

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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2007, 06:23:27 AM »
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize
one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.  She gave
the youngsters a month to learn the verse.  Little Rick was excited
about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm.  After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey
was very nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the micro-
phone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need
to know."
"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2007, 08:17:46 AM »
George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids?  If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"   "I'm four and a half!"   You're never thirty-six and
a half.  You're four and a half, going on five!  That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"  "I'm gonna be 16!"  You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16!  And then the greatest day of your life. . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.  YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound
like bad milk!  He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,
you're Just a sour-dumpling.  What's wrong?  What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.  Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away.  Before you know it, you REACH 50 and
your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60.  You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.  And it doesn't end there.  Into the
90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again.  "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.  This includes age, weight and
height.  Let the doctors worry about them.  That is why you pay "them ".

2. Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever.  Never let the brain idle.  "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop."  And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen...  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person who
is with us our entire life is ourselves.  Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:  If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable,
improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10 . Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.
Cheers, Tom

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2007, 11:33:15 AM »
QUOTE(RHPConsult @ Mar 22 2007, 06:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

• • • •


"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 rofl.gif  rofl.gif  rofl.gif

Offline Gregg

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« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2007, 12:10:12 PM »
QUOTE(Texas Mac Man @ Mar 23 2007, 08:17 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


That may be the best advice ever given. And I like the final quote too! smile.gif
Ya gotta applaud those bunnies for sacrificing their hearing just so some guy in Cupertino can have better TV reception.

Offline dolphin

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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2007, 11:43:37 PM »
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed, "God please give me the strenght to cross the river.
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed.
"God please give me the strenght and the tools to cross the river." Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed. "God please give me the strenght and the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy

Offline gunug

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« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2007, 12:39:26 AM »
Maybe not as humorous as the above but there is a new Pro-Linux ad by NOVELL that is oddly familiar:

http://blog.wired.com/cultofmac/2007/03/novell_launches.html

Who knew Linux was a red-head?   smile.gif
"If there really is no beer in heaven then maybe at least the
computers will work all of the time!"

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2007, 09:39:00 PM »


SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!

A  row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A  little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or  cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go  to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant  pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to  know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always  a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example  
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...  
Cheers, Tom

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Offline kcourt

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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2007, 10:33:55 PM »
thanx.gif everyone - I had a lot of chuckles over these great jokes.

I laughed so hard, I almost....well, you know!

Kathy  flower-smilie.gif
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly....
Leave the rest to God

Offline krissel

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« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2007, 02:37:31 AM »
QUOTE(kcourt @ Mar 24 2007, 11:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
thanx.gif everyone - I had a lot of chuckles over these great jokes.

I laughed so hard, I almost....well, you know!



Uh, well, that depends...      laugh.gif
« Last Edit: March 25, 2007, 02:38:04 AM by krissel »


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Offline Highmac

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« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2007, 04:09:57 AM »
Mention in Dick's 'Branson' thread of Dolly Parton reminded me of a great exchange:

Interviewer: How long does it take to do your hair?
Dolly: Dunno - I'm never there....

smile.gif
Neil
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

MamaMoose

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2007, 06:20:22 AM »
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all. This thread reminds me that laughter is the very best medicine. Boy did I need this thread.

MamaMoose