We need some Humor!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

as reported by my wife and Reddit

[jchuzi]

I thought that the thesaurus became extinct 60 million years ago.

[jchuzi]

My Dad showed me a 30 minute powerpoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just of me.

[Xairbusdriver]

I swear this is NOT political and it's certainly not democratic!! And I have no problem if you want to fact-check me!

Did you hear about the dictator who was only 12 inches tall? He only lasted 1 day, so you could have missed his activities, anyway...
He was a terrible king!

But he was a great ruler.

[jchuzi]

I have had a terrible day. I tried to button my shirt and the button came off in my hand. I went to open a door and the knob came off in my hand. I tried to open the car door and the handle came off in my hand.

Now, I'm afraid to pee.   

[krissel]

 



I'm not. 

[jchuzi]

Groaners for Groanups:


I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
 
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humorous.
 
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" He replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon.”

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.

Ran out of toilet paper, now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.

I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.

Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
 
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

[Xairbusdriver]

I got an email with the "groaners" from Jon in it. Apparently, I need to update my SPAM filterz!

[krissel]

 


Thanks, Jon!  I needed that.   

[jchuzi]

YOGI BERRA'S TOP 35 QUOTES:
1. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
2. “It’s deja vu all over again.”
3. “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
4. “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
5. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
6. “You can observe a lot by watching.”
7. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
8. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”
9. “It gets late early out here.”
10. “If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”
11. “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
12. “Pair up in threes.”
13. “Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.”
14. “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
15. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”
16. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
17. “Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.”
18. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
19. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
20. “I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.”
Modal Trigger
Joe DiMaggio and Yogi Berra in 1955.
21. “I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”
22. “I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”
23. “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”
24. “In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”
25. “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
26. “I never said most of the things I said.”
27. “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”
28. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
29. “I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.”
30. “So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”
31. “Take it with a grin of salt.”
32. (On the 1973 Mets) “We were overwhelming underdogs.”
33. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
34. “You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
35. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
(Sources: Los Angeles Times, Baseball Almanac, Baseball Digest, Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker), Sports Illustrated)

[Xairbusdriver]

Thanks for reminding me that there is still humor in this world!

[Xairbusdriver]

A mechanic, a programmer and an engineer are driving in the mountains. Going down a steep hill they realise the brakes cannot slow, much less, stop the car. They miraculously miss all traffic, make all the curves and eventually stop at the bottom of the hill.

The mechanic says he needs to take the brake system apart and fix whatever is broken.

The engineer says the brakes are oviously too small for the car and need to be redesigned.

The programmer says "We just need to push the car up the hill and see if the failure happens again"!

stolen from Dave Plummer (retired Windows programmer)

[jchuzi]

Clever play on words...........a morning smile
                 
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
 Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.

8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.

15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.