Techsurvivors
Archives => 2003 => Topic started by: jepinto on January 14, 2003, 05:59:00 AM
-
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."
-
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TECHNICAL GEEK WHEN ...
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmetic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some McIntosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's Apple Macintosh."
[ 01-14-2003, 07:38 AM: Message edited by: jepinto ]
-
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
The first one is prostitution, IIRC. And yep, you are right.
-
quote:
Originally posted by Vijay:
[ IIRC.
http://tuxedo.org/jargon/
-
I do know what IIRC means...
-
quote:
Originally posted by Vijay:
I do know what IIRC means...
I know you do, but I didn't! And thought others might not...
-
WHY?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask here the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your body? *Think about it, I cleaned up a word *
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
-
>30 Years Makes a Difference:
>>
>
>
> 1972: Long hair
>
> 2002: Longing for hair
>
>
> 1972: The perfect high
>
> 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
>
> 1972: KEG
>
> 2002: EKG
>
>
> 1972: Acid rock
>
> 2002: Acid reflux
>
>
> 1972: Moving to California because it's cool
>
> 2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>
>
> 1972: Growing pot
>
> 2002: Growing pot belly
>
>
> 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
> 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
>
> 1972: Seeds and stems
>
> 2002: Roughage
>
>
> 1972: Killer weed
>
> 2002: Weed killer
>
>
> 1972: Hoping for a BMW
>
> 2002: Hoping for a BM
>
>
> 1972: The Grateful Dead
>
> 2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>
>
> 1972: Going to a new, hip joint
>
> 2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>
>
> 1972: Rolling Stones
>
> 2002: Kidney Stones
>
>
> 1972: Being called into the principal's office
>
> 2002: Calling the principal's office
>
>
> 1972: Screw the system
>
> 2002: Upgrade the system
>
>
> 1972: Disco
>
> 2002: Costco
>
>
> 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
>
> 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
>
> 1972: Passing the drivers' test
>
> 2002: Passing the vision test
>
>
> 1972: Whatever
>
> 2002: Depends
>
-
quote:
Originally posted by jepinto:
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
No. It just gives you something to do while waiting.
-
10 Things Mom Would Never Say
10. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
9. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
8. "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"
7. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
6. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
5. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
4. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
3. "I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"
2. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
1. "You go right upstairs and get started on those video games!"
-
quote:
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
I may be the only person on earth who likes burnt toast. Have to unplug the smoke alarm whenever I make it.
quote:
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Tells you something about your breath, huh? And to just think where a dog often puts its nose...
-
Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, bu Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
-
For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have.
To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
Orginality is the art of concealing your source.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
I post therefore I am.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Your computer may beat you in chess, but never in kickboxing!
This webpage has been brought to you by the number 1 and the number 0
This website looks best when viewed on CompanyTime
Notice: Webmaster carries less than $20 in cash
You have reached the end of the internet, please turn your browser around.
error: system failure: Please enter any 11 digit prime number to continue.
Error: Keaybord not found: Please press F1 to continue.
Spank the keyboard to continue...
Kneel before me, for I am ROOT
Will work for bandwidth.
-
And my 2 cents worth!
Kentucky hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Army gave him a tooth brush.
On the next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...that afternoon Herman went AWOL.
-
Hey Sandbox:
Outside computers it's 'he who laughs last has just thought of the dirty meaning....'
-
I learned this from observing birds (and humans) and have tried to live by it for most of my life:
"Don't crap in your nest."
Bbob with a Cube
-
Getting back to the subject of burnt toast, there is one
other, besides krissel, that often has to depress the lever
in order to darken the toast just a tad more. MMM could
we are related? That's for sure. Why not have a toast poll?
-
Just ran across this bit of computer humor. Even worth a re-read by those who previously chuckled at this classic.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
-
I don't rite thes thangs, I jest passes 'em on.
Brains For Sale
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope."
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've actually been used."
[ah sed ah don't rite em ]
-
EVER WONDER
why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & SpencerBreadPudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company.
I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
-
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
I. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the lamp-post.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide
to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
20. Funny, I don't remember being... absent-minded...
Now I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10, oh send it to a bunch of your friends -- if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back.
-
Why is it, when you are winding through a VCR tape and stop to check where you are, it always stops on the commercials....?
Why is it, when you are ironing, it is so easy to iron a crease IN accidentally, and almost impossible to iron it OUT again....?
-
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified; she was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice...
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!
-
Jen i might be out of my league and can,t spell but are you still living in the 60,s & triping? Or do you need a girls night oot?brenda
-
The American Medical Association declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures MUST be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra - than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease Research.
The AMA now projects that by the year 2015 there will be fifty-million Americans wandering around with huge breasts and large erections - and - who can't remember what to do with them.
_______
Editor's Note - Did you guys 'forget" to reply ??? You realize now that you guys and gals are part of the AMA projected 15 million???
[ 01-19-2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: neokm ]
-
Krissel said:
quote:
I may be the only person on earth who likes burnt toast. Have to unplug the smoke alarm whenever I make it.
My ex-wife loves burnt hot dogs...YUCK!!! Always tried to get me to eat them. NO WAY!
[ 01-18-2003, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: dolphin ]
-
Editor's reply:
O-o-p-p's, I think "I forgot" the correct number is 50 million.
-
quote:
Originally posted by brensun:
Jen i might be out of my league and can,t spell but are you still living in the 60,s
Yep quote:
& triping?
Maybe quote:
Or do you need a girls night oot?brenda
DEFINITELY!!!!!
Wanna go bowling? Stay and not come home until the next day? Pack the cooler? you know what beer I like Call the troops! I'm ready!
-
quote:
Originally posted by dolphin:
My ex-wife loves burnt hot dogs...YUCK!!! Always tried to get me to eat them. NO WAY!
Oh, Roy, I guess I'm sinking farther down your list.... I don't eat red meat anymore but I hated boiled hot dogs, only liked them crispy black off the grill.
-
Very good, however, if things in life were simple (which they are) unlike 17 police cars that need to go to a small crash site involving 2 cars and no casualties, no injuries.
I often thought since all the officers are at the 2 car collision, gee, all the other criminals can go and commit their crimes.
Politicians make promises to the people to get the vote, but none of them ever keep the empty promises they offered to the voter in the first place, but the voters time after time keep falling for the same sales pitch from the politicians.
Then we ask why the ones that didn't win, lost by a big margin.
Why do people act a certain way and why do they do things that just don't make since?
We all at one time have asked ourselves that question, and never really found the answer to it.
It's called simplicity, don't fix anything if it's not broken, and if it's broken don't fix it...
Get a new one!
-
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. " by Jack Handy
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " Frank Sinatra
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. " Ernest Hemingway
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. " Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. " Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! " Brian O'Rourke
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. " Dave Barry
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
And saving the best for last, As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers... One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
[ 01-21-2003, 08:51 PM: Message edited by: jepinto ]
-
It hard finding clean joke....
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is .. . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is .. . . having sex.
At age 35 success is .. . . having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . having money.
At age 60 success is .. . . having sex.
At age 70 success is .. . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 80 success is .. . . not peeing in your pants.
-
I got this from my wife! I wonder if she thinks I have nothing better to do?!
Feed the frog (click near its mouth).
Jim C.
-
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
-
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly
kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians
and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they
let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at
150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the
storeroom door.
-
Got this from a friend today and naturally thought of this thread...
. . ....WE MUST STOP THIS SINISTER PLOT!
Have you ever noticed that as the years go by, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper, groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was horrified to discover how long our street had become! I never noticed when I was younger that it's been changing!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also have a feeling that these people are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, something has been making people who used to be my own age so much older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ... and I noticed that even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Clothing manufacturers are part of the conspiracy too! Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are in on it as well. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that dial? Hah! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon *everyone* will have to suffer these awful indignities.
Jim C.