Post by: Gregg on August 26, 2006, 03:24:56 AM
They write these scripts in Hollywood...
The call came to me from my loving wife on Thursday, just before lunch time. She had gotten word that Mom's condition was such that her doctor did not expect her to make it through the day. It was not a surprise, as she had been in the hospital since July 5th. I was stunned nonetheless.
I had already decided that the 7 hour drive was too long to embark on, especially by myself, if I could not leave in the morning. I wasn't packed to go, so that was not going to be possible. I did go home for the rest of the day, to call my sister, and get ready for the trip.
Mom could not talk, at times it had been difficult for her, but she always tried to talk when I called each day that I could not be at her side with my sister. So I told Lisa I had not slept well the night before, and was not about to endanger my life to try to rush to Mom's side before she died. The nurse had said she wouldn't make it through that shift.
Thanks to Tylenol PM, I got plenty of sleep that night, and set out at 8AM, driving through Chicago, where every road is closed due to construction. The biggest delay, however, was between the last town before my destination and my mother's hospital bed. Two bridges were out (I had forgotten that from my last visit on the 4th-7th when I called Lisa while making my last fill up) and two additional flag wavers were stopping traffic in between the earlier one lane, take-a-turn each way bridges. Lisa was still at the hospital, so of course, I went straight there.
Our Dad and Lisa's husband came back to be with us about 2 hours later. In that time, I tried to talk to Mom and tell her it was ok for her to let go and end her struggle. But she wasn't done loving us yet. I wiped a tear or two from her eyes as we kept vigil. We all told her how much we love her, but we did not know if she heard, but surely knew she understood.
Dad had to leave. They don't make the chairs with an octagenarian in mind. Shortly after, Mom opened her eyes again, and I began talking to her softly. I told her again, it was ok to let go. Lisa promised her we would take care of Dad. I told her she was going to a better place, and that she had to make it ready for us to join her (just like she made this place such a warm and comfortable, though fleeting, abode). I told her she was going to get to see her brother, parents, and son again - and her pain was going to cease.
A calm peace came over her. Her labored breathing grew quiet, and relaxed. Her tears were flowing, and then I knew: She heard me! She had heard every word when she stared blankly into our faces, and as we talked amongst ourselves. I said, "I know you hear me, because you're crying." What peace now, for us, and for her! Now she knew, for the first time, that we were sure she could hear and recognize us. Surely she had heard us asking each other if it could be so. (She heard everything going on in the hallway from the day she was admitted.)
Her now quiet breathing slowed. Lisa and I both looked into her her eyes and repeated "We love you" several times. She paused, as if holding her breath, then inhaled deeply; once, twice, a third time. Then she stopped. The struggle was over. Of course, we had told her that she had put up quite a fight. Her resilience had surprised the doctor and the nurses several times.
Our loss is great. Our hearts are heavy. But she truly is in a better place. We love you Mom.
Post by: gunug on August 26, 2006, 03:43:57 AM
Post by: Parker on August 26, 2006, 04:38:43 AM
my thoughts and prayers are with you as well gregg.
i've unfortunately done a lot of letting go this year :'(
yes she's thinking of you right now
and crying (well at least down here in south florida... idk about the rest of the world)
when i hear rain, i always think of those who are deceased.
them crying like we do now
you're story is very touching gregg
god bless you lisa... :'(
Post by: dolphin on August 26, 2006, 07:20:53 AM
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!
Post by: RobW on August 26, 2006, 07:31:53 AM
Post by: swhitset on August 26, 2006, 07:42:39 AM
Greg, I'm glad you were able to be there at the end. My most sincere condolences go to you and the rest of your family. Your story reminds me of the night a couple years ago that I spent in the hospital room with my Grandma. I was very close to her. So many emotions go through your head while that is happening... from numbness...grief etc... even guilt. I found part of me wanting it just to happen to get it over with just so it would end...part of me wishing it wouldn't etc...
Again let me say I'm sorry and remember the good times.
Steve
Post by: RNKIII on August 26, 2006, 07:47:25 AM
It's been a little over a year since we went through the same process with our Mom, and your post brought back a LOT of feelings....
My condolences to you and your family.
Take care,
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: D76 on August 26, 2006, 09:04:39 AM
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Post by: jwboyd on August 26, 2006, 09:30:55 AM
I wept as I read your post. It reminds me so much of my own experience a few years ago when my mother left us. Also of when my wife and I were with her mother when she died just this past March.
But life goes on, and we find strength for each day as it comes. One day, whether we like to think of it or not, our own children will face similar experiences. It's just part of the human condition, and the cycle of life (and death) continues.
One thing that really strikes me is the sense of community we have here at TS. It's not like other boards. We feel for each other, and that's truly a blessing.
Heartfelt condolences to you and your Dad, and to Lisa and other family members. Grace and peace be unto you.
Joe
Post by: kps on August 26, 2006, 09:31:03 AM
Post by: Audone on August 26, 2006, 09:50:13 AM
Post by: RHPConsult on August 26, 2006, 09:52:00 AM
There is all too little that helpfully may be communicated by people at a distance and at a time such as this, but I am certain you know that we are all thinking of you. From one more corner of our TeeEss “community”, I offer you and your family most sincere condolences at this time of profound loss.
Your moving tribute to your Mother is touching, indeed. Our hopes for you are that the best memories of the best years you were able to share with her are helping to conquer the weight of the loss you and her loved ones now are experiencing.
Over the years, coming to know you as we have in TeeEss’ delightful little endeavor, suggests that the patient and good-humored style you have regularly contributed to all of us here flowed from exceptional parents.
May God bless her.
Post by: Parker on August 26, 2006, 10:20:24 AM
Post by: kcourt on August 26, 2006, 12:05:46 PM
I went through this with my dear husband a little over a year ago - I let him go, but his sons would not let him go. He chose to go early in the morning all by himself - just he and his God.
We all go through times like this but as we look back, the wonderful memories sustain us.
My prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time..
Kathy
Post by: Paddy on August 26, 2006, 12:08:38 PM
Post by: kimmer on August 26, 2006, 12:11:33 PM
This poem was sent to me when my dad died, and the words touched my heart. Perhaps they will help to ease your sorrow as well.
~The Master Weaver~
The pattern of our lives is formed with tender loving care,
And He who does the weaving works in colours dark and fair.
We see odd strands of colour as the tapestry unfolds,
Not understanding there must be greys among the golds.
But in the Master Weaver's eye the whole design is clear,
For He alone knows why and where the dark threads must appear.
And if we trust His guiding hand, then one day we shall see
The final picture woven in a perfect tapestry.
~ Author UnKnown ~
Post by: jepinto on August 26, 2006, 05:36:52 PM
My thoughts are with you. I'll raise a glass in respect this week, blessing her passage onto the better place. May all our trips be as well accompanied.
Hugs from all of us, be secure in knowing we (all of TS) feel your pain and wish we could be there in person for you.
Post by: jcarter on August 26, 2006, 07:16:02 PM
My brother has made some amazing photo albums for us.
Life does indeed have to end, but the wonderful times that we have had and the lifetime of fun and good times is what we have made our family albums and talk on. And we do have a lot of family gatherings, weddings, and get togethers,,,,,and all of them are times when we talk about the loving people in our lives who are no longer here. Its really something that makes a lot of great stories come alive for the grandkids. You need to make hard copies too, with a lot of notes and text along with the pictures.
Yes, its hard when it happens, but its the great life and love that they gave us that we remember.
Jane
Post by: themagpie on August 26, 2006, 07:39:08 PM
Margie
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 27, 2006, 04:06:13 PM
Post by: Gregg on August 27, 2006, 09:33:29 PM
Steve, I had the same mixed feelings you expressed. I wanted her suffering to end, by getting better. I held on to that for a long time. But, that final night, I knew for sure that the way to do that was to let go. Lisa had been by Mom's side every day for 52 days. She reached that point long before I did. Lisa did so much for Mom in those visits. She stayed there for the final 36 hours or more. I could say so much more about her...
Jennie, a great lady indeed! Your wish that we all be so well accompanied has brought me to tears several times today. That is a wonderful affirmation that ranks as high as Lisa's "That was the greatest thing you've ever done." (as you see, modesty is one of her many strengths)
Dick, you are so right, as usual.
Thanks for the poem. I'm sorry that I can't remember for sure who posted it. Today, I found one that is very similar that Mom had clipped out and kept in her Bible. That makes the one you found for me even more special.
Bob and Joe, your words touched me also. I'm just not able to remember them at the moment to say something more meaningful.
Everyone who recounted similar experiences, I share your loss. That you can all look back now and give words of wisdom is such a comfort. Thank you.
Everyone who expressed condolences (and that was all of you), thank you.
I know I will read through your posts again (never at work though!) and see thoughts that really touched me that I haven't mentioned here. I deeply appreciate them all.
Post by: Parker on August 28, 2006, 12:13:09 AM
i hope everything is going smoothly now
:'(
Post by: krissel on August 28, 2006, 12:51:18 AM
My sympathies are with you and your family.
Bless your Mom. We know she raised a good son.
Post by: Gregg on August 28, 2006, 10:10:29 PM
Tonight he was recounting stories of his service in WWII and the 3C's and just growing up. I know he's shared some of those before, but he had my rapt attention -even with "my" Cubs on TV! It's ironic that the Cubs and Cardinals were playing last Friday evening, and the TV was on in Mom's hospital room, tuned to the game, but with the sound turned off. I looked at it from time to time, but of course I don't remember when it was turned off. My sister told me tonight that she did that at some point. Mom didn't like baseball, but I'm sure she was not aware of the TV. I'm almost sure Dad was not aware of what was on the TV either. Dad is a lifelong Cardinals fan. He didn't try to influence my choice of a favorite team.
I'm feeling bad that my rambling has turned this post into sports talk. But that's a big father-son thing too. I took Dad to his only big league game in Chicago, and to a minor league game in Denver. At that one, the opponent happened to be a Cardinals affiliate, wearing the same uniform as the big league team. There we sat, me in a Cubs hat, Dad in a Cardinals hat that I had given him. That got us more than a few knowing smiles. It's one of my best memories.
My sister said tonight that Mom's newest final gift to us was the chance to get closer to Dad. I'm sure there will be many more "final gifts" from her. (Dad's hearing has been a problem for years. With Mom here, we would sit and talk with her in the kitchen while Dad would be watching TV, checking in on our conversation, but not able to catch it all. The back and forth nature of it, and two people talking at once made it hard for him to hear anything but "noise".)
We also discovered that Mom had left baby blankets that she had knitted for each grandchild, the youngest now 10 years old, to have for their firstborn. (They have 4 great grandchildren now.) I eagerly await the arrival of my wife and two sons tomorrow to present theirs to them. Mom left an envelope in both of theirs.
Well, that's more that anyone here wanted to know I guess, but it's good therapy for me - right Lorraine?
Post by: DaveF on August 28, 2006, 10:52:26 PM
For some inexplicable reason, until tonight, I've missed your moving tribute to your mother. I want to add my heartfelt condolences to those already sent to you from the many kind and caring TS'ers.
Dave
Post by: cdub1988 on August 30, 2006, 01:59:12 PM
I'm pulling in the trail end here, too.
Sorry it is so late, but even more sorry to hear about your loss.
Take care,
Chris
Post by: Gregg on August 30, 2006, 09:33:09 PM
Today was the funeral and interment at the cemetery. I stopped at Mom's mother's grave and was shocked when I did the math... 15 years between their parting this earth. It seems like Grandma has been gone for much longer. We raised our kids in that time (now 20 and 23). For those who remember detail (from the first post) yes, Mom's Dad and brother are also buried next to Grandma.
Today was an overcast day, but there was only a slight drizzle for a brief moment or two on the 1 hour drive to the cemetery. At least there wasn't a heat wave. Dad would have wilted. I think he held up pretty well. We continue to have long talks. I will miss that when I have to return home. I guess I'll be calling more and yelling into the phone so he can hear me. I always talked to Mom on the phone, but when she was in the hospital, I called her there daily, and I called Dad every Saturday at home.
So we begin a new chapter in our grieving... going about our lives as best we can. I'm so glad that my sister Lisa is close and able to look after Dad. It will be up to her to step in for Mom. But she says, "He's not a burden, he's my Daddy." I'll be visiting more often, as I began to do in March. I only wish the recent ones had been for other reasons.
Post by: jwboyd on August 31, 2006, 09:18:52 AM
Your posts are so moving and eloquent. Lisa's tribute ("He's not a burden, he's my Daddy.") is tender and touching -- a true classic.
You mentioned your Dad's hearing problems. I want to tell you about a new telephone I got a couple of months ago, which might improve the quality of your communications with him. It's a Clarity phone, manufactured by Walker, available at Radio Shack. It comes in several different versions. The one I got has a cordless handset. The ringer also activates a flashing light. And it has a volume control. I can use it with or without my hearing aids, and it's been most helpful.
Hope this helps.
Blessings,
Joe
Post by: chriskleeman on August 31, 2006, 12:17:46 PM
Just want to add my voice to the chorus here. My mother is still well, even approaching 81, but my Dad passed away in 1997. Those were some of the toughest times in my life, and all my sympathy to you and your family. All I can tell you is that it will get better, and give yourself lots of time and room to grieve. Remember to take good care of yourself too!
Chris K
Post by: Mrious_be on August 31, 2006, 12:39:29 PM
Really sorry for your loss Gregg, i know for sure she will live on in your memories as a treasure.
My sympathy to you and your family.
Post by: Frances144 on August 31, 2006, 12:40:02 PM
I read your post the minute it went up but it really touched me and I didn't know what to write.
So, now I have had time to think, I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear your news and I am thinking of you.
Your tribute was beautiful and you wrote it so with such compassion and feeling. It was very real.
Love
Frances
Post by: Gary S on August 31, 2006, 01:26:16 PM
Words are hard to find in these situations.
Like Krissel said, we all react diffently based on our own experiences. I lost my Mom in 1987 and still there are those days when I think of calling her....so I do.
My thoughts are with you.
Post by: Gregg on August 31, 2006, 02:11:06 PM
Edit: The notes Mom left for my two boys and their cousin said "I may not be here when you fall in love, get married, and have children. So I'm leaving these blankets which your Mom can keep for you for that special time in your life."
Today is the start of getting financial matters in order. I was just looking online for phone numbers. Mom had things in order for her own insurance, even though we all expected Dad to go first since he was born almost 10 years earlier. Edit: Dad had been speaking lovingly of his beautiful wife, and now he is nearly as impressed with her "smarts".
This (TS) is a wonderful retreat for me while I'm away from my wife and our two sons. The younger one is likely to be gone for college before I return home. He had been home for less than a week from his internship in Germany when I was called away. Of course, they came down after me, but public school started today, and my wife had to go back home too to prepare for the school year. My older son is starting a new job. My job is in a state of animated suspension, or something.
Post by: Steve_J on August 31, 2006, 09:35:45 PM
So hard to know what to say in times like this. Your tribute was so moving........just know, that you have the support of all at TS.
Post by: LR827 on September 02, 2006, 09:14:16 AM
The most beautiful description of what that relief may feel like, passing from this plane of existence to the next: "Suddenly you feel as though you are wearing the heaviest fur coat on the hottest day of summer... And then you take it off."
Post by: sandbox on September 02, 2006, 12:43:13 PM
Though we’re faced here with family loss on a monthly basis, it’s usually from the business end. Working in and around end of life makes one seem and feel almost callous. Systems and failures, families with little interest, and lonely people can put you in a place where saying Next is the only way to deal with it after your work is complete, knowing that right around the corner a beautiful person that you’ve come to know is losing their struggle and another battle with systems and failures is just over the horizon.
Your post demonstrates the pain of caring, a reasoned understanding and a deep commitment to family. What it lacked, that i most appreciated, was the systems and failures and unreasonable expectations that so often accompany loss.
These are hard times, especially for your dad, and your wisdom may be called upon to create an environment that keeps him active. Tears can never replace the pain, only time has that talent .... as they say, so extra attention to daily activities is crucial in many instances.
I feel your pain to the extent one can in this venue, and hope that you continue sharing your wisdom with those who’s lives you touch.
Thank You.
Take Care!
Post by: Dreambird on September 02, 2006, 12:56:47 PM
Post by: sandyman on September 02, 2006, 02:22:35 PM
Condolences from both myself and Elaine. She especially knows how you are feeling right now as she lost both her Mum and Dad in 10 months.
A few lines that both of us found comforting come from Ecclesiastes
Post by: Gregg on September 02, 2006, 08:18:47 PM
I'm back home now. It was hard to leave Dad this morning, even though I know Lisa and her husband will look after him. If there was a daughter and son-in-law of the decade award, they'd win it hands down.
I hope the memories I am stirring up are not too raw, but gentle and helpful. That passage was one of the choices for the printed rememberances handed out at the funeral. It was my initial choice, but Lisa reminded me how Mom so liked the "Serenity" poem(?) and we went with that.
Thanks again to all. This might be my last post in this thread.