Post by: dolphin on January 27, 2007, 08:11:12 AM
Milton Berle, Red Skelton, Henny Youngman and others were masters of the one liner.
Post by: Highmac on January 27, 2007, 08:20:58 AM
Tell him I can't see him now.
Doctor, doctor - I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together man!
The UK's late lamented Tommy Cooper
Post by: dolphin on January 27, 2007, 09:17:01 AM
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Post by: Gregg on January 27, 2007, 09:51:26 PM
Post by: dolphin on January 27, 2007, 10:14:04 PM
Post by: Highmac on January 28, 2007, 02:19:25 AM
Post by: dolphin on January 28, 2007, 06:23:58 AM
Post by: Highmac on January 28, 2007, 08:21:13 AM
I found it on the MacFormat forum - where did you find it?
Post by: kimmer on January 28, 2007, 11:55:30 AM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please? The
woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!
Post by: Gregg on January 28, 2007, 02:53:26 PM
QUOTE(dolphin @ Jan 27 2007, 10:14 PM) [snapback]117190[/snapback]
A mere technicality Gregg!
Yeah.
Post by: dolphin on January 28, 2007, 10:48:22 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jan 28 2007, 09:21 AM) [snapback]117199[/snapback]
Hey, no problem - I just copied and pasted quicker than you
I found it on the MacFormat forum - where did you find it?
I found it on the MacFormat forum - where did you find it?
A friend sent it to me in email.
Post by: RHPConsult on January 29, 2007, 12:54:34 AM
