Post by: dolphin on March 22, 2007, 05:24:05 PM
"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I
REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED
MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1958. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT,
GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-***** ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 22, 2007, 08:40:08 PM
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about "Living in the Past"
We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and wile the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!
Post by: RHPConsult on March 22, 2007, 09:07:38 PM
• • • •
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
• • • •
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a newborn baby!"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
• • • •
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." " Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
• • • •
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients beingdischarged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
• • • •
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
• • • •
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
• • • •
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
• • • •
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor.
"What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."
• • • •
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"Morris replied, " Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Post by: bil207 on March 22, 2007, 09:11:11 PM
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. B@$t@rd$!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
Post by: dolphin on March 23, 2007, 06:23:27 AM
one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave
the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited
about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey
was very nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the micro-
phone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need
to know."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 23, 2007, 08:17:46 AM
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and
a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life. . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,
you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and
your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the
90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them ".
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen... Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who
is with us our entire life is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10 . Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments that take our breath away.
Post by: kimmer on March 23, 2007, 11:33:15 AM
QUOTE(RHPConsult @ Mar 22 2007, 06:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
• • • •
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Post by: Gregg on March 23, 2007, 12:10:12 PM
QUOTE(Texas Mac Man @ Mar 23 2007, 08:17 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
That may be the best advice ever given. And I like the final quote too!
Post by: dolphin on March 23, 2007, 11:43:37 PM
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed.
"God please give me the strenght and the tools to cross the river." Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed. "God please give me the strenght and the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Post by: gunug on March 24, 2007, 12:39:26 AM
http://blog.wired.com/cultofmac/2007/03/novell_launches.html
Who knew Linux was a red-head?
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 24, 2007, 09:39:00 PM
SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
Post by: kcourt on March 24, 2007, 10:33:55 PM
everyone - I had a lot of chuckles over these great jokes.I laughed so hard, I almost....well, you know!
Kathy
Post by: krissel on March 25, 2007, 02:37:31 AM
QUOTE(kcourt @ Mar 24 2007, 11:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
everyone - I had a lot of chuckles over these great jokes.I laughed so hard, I almost....well, you know!
Uh, well, that depends...
Post by: Highmac on March 25, 2007, 04:09:57 AM
Interviewer: How long does it take to do your hair?
Dolly: Dunno - I'm never there....
Post by: MamaMoose on March 25, 2007, 06:20:22 AM
MamaMoose
Post by: Gregg on March 25, 2007, 02:54:44 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Mar 25 2007, 03:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Mention in Dick's 'Branson' thread
Saw a Dolly Parton impersonator once. She was pretty good. Don't know how she got the, ahem... outfit to "measure up", but she got off a pretty good line.
"Hello up there in the balcony! Those seats aren't so bad after all, eh fellers?"
Post by: jepinto on March 25, 2007, 05:44:58 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 25, 2007, 08:44:34 PM
Post by: jcarter on March 25, 2007, 09:06:52 PM
And by the way, another wonderful banner! Looks like a bit of KPT and texture filters here?
Jane
Post by: kimmer on March 25, 2007, 09:33:58 PM
QUOTE(jcarter @ Mar 25 2007, 06:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And by the way, another wonderful banner! Looks like a bit of KPT and texture filters here?
Jane
Jane
Sneakers says:
Thanks!
I can't get KPT to run in 10.4.9, so Coral Paint was used to create the background and everything else was done in PS.
Mrs. Sneakers
Post by: Highmac on March 26, 2007, 02:13:19 AM
QUOTE(Gregg @ Mar 25 2007, 08:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE
*Mention in Dick's 'Branson' thread...
This one...
Post by: jcarter on March 26, 2007, 07:12:01 AM
I just looked at my other Mac the one I just went to 10.4.9, and KPT runs fine.
Did your KPT run OK in 10.4.8?
It should work OK. Lets see if we can troubleshoot it, as it would be difficult to live without KPT.
I did buy Corel Paint recently, but havent used it yet much. If I took some lessons or hit the Lynda tutorials on it, I would probably love it.
Jane
Post by: Gregg on March 26, 2007, 07:35:14 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Mar 26 2007, 01:13 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yes, I know. Look again.
Post by: RHPConsult on March 26, 2007, 09:43:36 AM
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?. . . . . . . .
"No," said the little boy . . . "It's a puppy!
Post by: kimmer on March 26, 2007, 10:58:29 AM
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital, and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."
Post by: RHPConsult on March 26, 2007, 11:10:57 AM
Post by: Highmac on March 27, 2007, 02:12:55 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Mar 26 2007, 08:13 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ahh.... A new day has dawned - and I've finally worked out what you were getting at Gregg
A true
moment on my part. Sorry!----------------------------------------------
I'm at the age when I bend down to tie my shoe laces and ask myself if there is anything else I need to do while I'm down here...
You go into a room and can't remember why.... it's the bathroom...
Post by: Gregg on March 27, 2007, 07:33:43 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Mar 27 2007, 02:12 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ahh.... A new day has dawned - and I've finally worked out what you were getting at Gregg
A true moment on my part. Sorry!
You go into a room and can't remember why.... it's the bathroom...
A true
moment on my part. Sorry!You go into a room and can't remember why.... it's the bathroom...
No problem. Just "giving you an elbow". At least you have a built-in reminder for the other memory lapse.
Post by: kimmer on March 28, 2007, 02:48:34 AM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that In case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.
Post by: Highmac on March 28, 2007, 03:34:54 AM
The goal is to remove all laptop computers by 31 March 2007 and all desktop computers by 30 April 2007 as a part of the ongoing cost-cutting around the organization.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing email.
4. No more worries about power cuts.
5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q : My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Regards
IT Technical Support Team
Post by: Gregg on March 28, 2007, 07:30:33 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Mar 28 2007, 02:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I thought you'd like to know that there are a lot of changes that are going to be taking place across the board as far as the servers & personal computers go.
Or...
I thought you'd like to know that there's going to be a bit of a shake-up around here.
-Jerry Lee Lewis
Post by: RHPConsult on March 28, 2007, 12:54:13 PM
I don't know about this little number, but since we don't yet have an OT – Amazing! thread on TeeEss, here goes . . .
Let it run to completion . . . almost unbelievable.
PS: Wednesday eve . . .sorry gunug, I hadn't seen your earlier post.
Post by: Dick Miller on March 28, 2007, 01:20:25 PM
Post by: Johanbgoot on March 28, 2007, 02:13:46 PM
Here's one a friend sent me yesterday.
Now I know it's sorta a dumb blind joke but with a twist!
Johan
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
Post by: kimmer on March 28, 2007, 09:13:34 PM
QUOTE
"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
ROFLOL!
Post by: Gregg on March 29, 2007, 07:28:45 AM
QUOTE(Dick Miller @ Mar 28 2007, 12:20 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Someone has way too much time on their hands.
...or way too many hands on their time.
I thought it was going to go back and turn on the alarm clock in the first frame. Did I miss something having no sound?
Post by: dolphin on March 29, 2007, 08:34:04 AM
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work"?
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week"?
"You're the sixth," he said.
Post by: RHPConsult on March 29, 2007, 10:43:46 AM
QUOTE
Did I miss something having no sound?
Yes.But, get to work!
Post by: kimmer on March 29, 2007, 10:53:12 AM
Post by: Gregg on March 29, 2007, 12:12:36 PM
QUOTE(kimmer @ Mar 29 2007, 10:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Fisherman and the mirror ...
Rather; Manfisher and the mirror...
QUOTE(RHPConsult @ Mar 29 2007, 10:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Yes.
But, get to work!
But, get to work!
Yore two hours behind me! Now go have lunch...
Post by: dolphin on March 29, 2007, 11:01:51 PM
of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could
he, with just two worms?"
Post by: krissel on March 29, 2007, 11:27:13 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkzr0naZnZ0
Post by: jcarter on March 30, 2007, 07:33:28 AM
There is another one wich is really fun, I will see if I can find it today, the link is on my old Mac I think.
Here tis.
http://www.atomfilms.com/film/animusic_pipedream.jsp
http://www.animusic.com
Jane
Post by: RHPConsult on March 30, 2007, 03:49:39 PM
NAME GAME GIVES PLEASURE TO THOSE WITH EAR FOR IRONY
DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed the columns you've printed about people whose names matched their professions, and wonder if you would be interested in an incident that happened to my sister. Her name is Dragony, and she works in a pharmacy located in a medical building. Her license plate reads DRAGONY. Well, someone went into the pharmacy and asked the girl at the counter, "Who is Dr. Agony?" I still laugh when I think about it. -- KATHI IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR KATHI: Funny! Your sister's license plate reminds me of one that belongs to my neighbor, who happens to be an anesthesiologist. Her license plate reads: EPIDURL.
I am still hearing from readers offering names -- and some of them are a hoot. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I was office manager for a printing company that did work for the American Tobacco Co. in North Carolina. The purchasing agent's assistant there was a woman by the name of Flicka Ashe. Can you believe it! -- DOLORES IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: I have sold real estate for 18 years, and no one ever forgets my name. It's ... BETH NEWHOUSE, MAYVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: My grandma fell and broke her hip last summer and had to have surgery. Her surgeon? Dr. Mark Cutright! -- KATHY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR ABBY: Shame on you! How could you forget your fellow member of the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry -- Dr. John Looney? -- FRANCES ROTON BELL, DALLAS
DEAR ABBY: Here's an item that might qualify. It's from the Jan. 16 edition of our local newspaper: "Charles T. Sprinkle, 27, of Sandpoint was cited on a charge of urinating in public at 11:52 p.m. in the 200 block of Main Street." -- LARRY S. IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: Would you like more names that match? My optician was named Ralph Glance, my daughter's allergist was Dr. Eitches, and my children's dentist is Dr. Spitz. -- SUSAN K., HAYWARD, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, there was a family with the last name "Braa." Guess what the mom's first name was? "Iona"! My initials are "B.S.," but this story is not.
-- B.S., FARIBAULT, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: When my sister and I were children, we'd play a game called "I Spy" during road trips from Georgia to Alabama. On one of them we spotted a septic tank installation and maintenance company named "Seth Poole and Sons." -- LARRY IN DOERUN, GA.
DEAR ABBY: I used to work with a young woman named Linda Snow. She met and married a wonderful man. When she did, she became Mrs. Snow-White! -- A FAN, SUN CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: My salesman husband was dealing with a particularly difficult client who demanded to speak to the boss. The reply: "I'll be happy to transfer you to him. His name is Robin Hood; if he isn't in, you can speak with his secretary -- Marian!" True story, real people. -- JENNIFER IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: This isn't occupation-related, but I thought you might get a kick out of it anyway. I went to school with twins Esther and Lester Chester and their big brother, Chester Chester Jr. And no, I'm not kidding. -- L. LEGGETT, MAGNOLIA, MISS.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.
Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069
Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069
Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren 03/15/07
Copyright 2007 Universal Press Syndicate
Copyright 2007 Universal Press Syndicate
Post by: jcarter on March 30, 2007, 04:24:28 PM
Poor kid. It is not spelled right, perhaps the kid will be very happy about that when he gets into school.
Jane
Post by: Gregg on March 31, 2007, 09:09:08 AM
Dick, (yes, order is important) would you believe that a local prosecutor who is now running for Judge is named Chris Legal? It's true!
In a paper the other day, a gentleman by the name of Olaf Olafson was quoted. I wondered, shouldn't it be Olaf Olafson, Jr. ???
Post by: jcarter on March 31, 2007, 09:37:51 AM
And the kid that my college friend has for a grandson, Blue Waters. Maybe he will grow up to be better guitar player than Muddy Waters(McKinley Morganfield was his real name).
I still get a kick out of this site,
http://www.babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html
Jane
Post by: dolphin on March 31, 2007, 10:10:24 AM
Post by: dolphin on April 01, 2007, 03:38:02 AM
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out,
"Aces!"
Post by: gunug on April 01, 2007, 03:52:03 AM
http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyarchives/941.html
When I tracked that one back I went to some of the older one's and found this one particularly neat:
http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyarchives/938.html
I would entirely spring for the Steve Jobs Rabbit Ears!
I honestly can't read most of the stuff the rest of you guys have posted without thinking of my father (now gone) who would send me that kind of stuff on a regular basis. People (kids for the most part) would whisper jokes to him at church:
Q. How did the farmer know how many cows he had after he got back from the sale barn?
A. He used a cowculator.
Q. What do you call a pig that does karate?
A. A pork chop.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toenail's red?
A. To hide in cherry trees.
Q. How did Tarzan die?
A. Picking cherries.
Q. Why did the man with one hand walk across the road?
A. To get to the second hand shop.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Police
Police who?
Police stop telling these knock, knock jokes.
Post by: dolphin on April 01, 2007, 11:30:57 AM
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he
replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been
wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Post by: Gregg on April 01, 2007, 03:29:30 PM
QUOTE(gunug @ Apr 1 2007, 02:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I would entirely spring for the Steve Jobs Rabbit Ears!
Me too!
Post by: gunug on April 01, 2007, 06:11:06 PM
QUOTE
Me too!
It must be a guilty pleasure of many MAC users!
Post by: dolphin on April 02, 2007, 04:57:25 PM
Post by: dolphin on April 02, 2007, 10:49:22 PM
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
The lady replied "Only the Ten Commandments".
Post by: Gregg on April 03, 2007, 06:56:43 AM
Do you know how many psychologists it takes to change a light bulb?
...
...
...
Only one, but the light bulb really has to want to change!
Post by: kimmer on April 03, 2007, 11:03:58 PM
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"DID YOU PASS OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Post by: Gregg on April 04, 2007, 07:32:27 AM
Post by: Gregg on April 05, 2007, 07:14:22 AM
A guy is driving around Arizona and he sees a sign in front of a
house:
Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wantsfor the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
Post by: kcourt on April 05, 2007, 12:29:32 PM
Love the talking dog!
everyone!Kathy
Post by: bil207 on April 11, 2007, 09:44:58 AM
2. Click on Maps.
3. Click on Get Directions.
4. From: New York, New York.
5. To: Paris, France.
6. Then, read line #23.
7. Laugh.
Post by: dolphin on April 11, 2007, 10:55:28 PM
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Post by: Gregg on April 12, 2007, 07:49:55 AM
You would've thought one of 'em would've seen the door.
Post by: gunug on April 12, 2007, 08:20:12 AM
QUOTE
So a class of disgruntled Vista users are suing Microsoft, claiming it engaged in deceptive marketing practices while touting its new OS.
I dunno. Suing Microsoft for deceptive marketing is like suing Paris Hilton for being blonde. It's in their DNA, they can't help it. Since DOS 1.0 Microsoft has been widely accused of spreading fear, uncertainty, and doubt throughout the industry. The interesting thing is that, with Vista, they've managed to spread FUD for one of their own products. Way to go, Bill-co!
I dunno. Suing Microsoft for deceptive marketing is like suing Paris Hilton for being blonde. It's in their DNA, they can't help it. Since DOS 1.0 Microsoft has been widely accused of spreading fear, uncertainty, and doubt throughout the industry. The interesting thing is that, with Vista, they've managed to spread FUD for one of their own products. Way to go, Bill-co!
Well I thought the above was funny! This is a quote from a recent ROBERT X. CRINGELY column:
http://weblog.infoworld.com/robertxcringel...a_thy_name.html
Post by: kimmer on April 12, 2007, 10:56:52 AM
After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
Post by: Gregg on April 12, 2007, 09:56:45 PM
Those who can do math
And those who can't.
Post by: RHPConsult on April 13, 2007, 02:30:26 AM
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
Post by: Highmac on April 13, 2007, 03:02:05 AM
Only really worked for one series - after that the "victims" were in on the joke, and it wasn't nearly so effective.
Post by: krissel on April 13, 2007, 03:21:08 AM
(OK Rob, don't go there.
)
Post by: gunug on April 13, 2007, 09:17:09 AM
by Kliban; I've misplaced the url!
Post by: dolphin on April 13, 2007, 10:44:32 AM
[attachment=241:attachment]
Post by: dolphin on April 14, 2007, 12:30:13 PM
Post by: Highmac on April 15, 2007, 12:05:26 PM
It says the Assertiveness course is available only on demand....
Post by: Gregg on April 15, 2007, 06:20:28 PM
Post by: jepinto on April 18, 2007, 06:11:10 AM
Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan
Or the days of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Oh, there was truth and goodness
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.
For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in his heaven
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We longed for love and romance,
And waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.
We danced to "Little Darlin'",
And sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr Wizard,
But not a Mr T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We'd never heard of Microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at
The bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
Buicks came with portholes,
And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
And middle-aged was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.
And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land of Sandra Dee.
So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children
of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land of Sandra Dee.
- annonymous
Post by: Jack W on April 18, 2007, 08:53:27 AM
Post by: RHPConsult on April 18, 2007, 10:14:00 AM
Post by: Gregg on April 18, 2007, 12:33:11 PM
QUOTE
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.
To cover both your cheeks.
At least some things have improved.
Post by: RHPConsult on April 18, 2007, 02:58:49 PM
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it,"the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of Seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Post by: krissel on April 19, 2007, 01:11:08 AM
...and thanks Jennie for a trip back.
Post by: Highmac on April 19, 2007, 02:30:05 AM
ad infinitum.... Here's another one....
Two Arctic explorers were feeling the chill as they paddled up a freezing river in their canoe, so one suggested lighting their little kerosene stove in the bows. The vessel burst into flames and sank. Proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Post by: dolphin on April 19, 2007, 03:45:18 AM
QUOTE
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of Seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
We dolphins have been taking the wrap for what this guy did for eons! I for one hate seagulls and am tired of it. My lawyer will be in touch!!!
Post by: Bruce_F on April 22, 2007, 06:07:46 PM
One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson. "
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied.
"She sells C cells by the sea shore."
Post by: krissel on April 23, 2007, 02:02:59 AM
"MARTIN GARDINER writes to tell us that he was wondering about phone phobia - as one does - so he visited changethatsrightnow.com, the website that offers advice on how to "live free of fears, phobias and anxiety attacks".
The site defines phone phobia as "a persistent, abnormal and unwarranted fear of telephones". It goes on: "To learn more about our 24-Hour Phone Phobia Program, please call us at 1-800-828-7484..."
And:
FROM an AFP news release earlier this month: "John Billings, founder of the natural contraceptive system known as the Billings Method, has died in Australia aged 89, his colleagues said Monday... Billings is survived by his wife and eight of their nine children."
Post by: jepinto on April 23, 2007, 07:08:26 AM
Post by: dolphin on April 23, 2007, 07:16:33 AM
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
Post by: Gregg on April 23, 2007, 07:37:01 AM
QUOTE(jepinto @ Apr 23 2007, 07:08 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
[attachment=254:attachment]
Toro! Quick! Send those unsold snowblowers to Florida!
Post by: kimmer on April 23, 2007, 10:16:57 AM
Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Post by: Gregg on April 23, 2007, 12:05:26 PM
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or ..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins!! We could have been here ten years ago!"
Post by: gunug on April 24, 2007, 06:12:17 AM
The man died last night (age 76) but the music goes on and on! I'd like to see Putin do this! My wife would tell you that I like Yeltzin a lot because he looks like my Grandfather!
Post by: RHPConsult on April 25, 2007, 11:53:17 AM
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back toschool as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Post by: RHPConsult on April 26, 2007, 01:37:13 AM
The 2006 Winners
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon: (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Post by: Gregg on April 26, 2007, 12:12:20 PM
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
See? It really does work . You're smiling already.
Post by: RNKIII on April 26, 2007, 12:33:54 PM
Works very nicely, thank you Gregg!!!
bob K. rnkiii
Post by: RHPConsult on April 26, 2007, 02:03:50 PM
I never really "believe" the so-called Darwin Awards. but they are amusing, if only as examples of creative writing. Here's what's now being passed around as the roster of "winners" of the award (several posthumously) for 2007.
• • • • •
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious Winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, off icer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
The 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD Winner
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted t o trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Post by: dolphin on April 27, 2007, 04:02:43 PM
My 5 New Boyfriends
I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, WILL POWER helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see JOHN.
Then CHARLIE HORSE comes along. And when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, ART RITIS shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with BEN GAY.
What a life!
Oh YES, I'm also flirting with AL ZYMER.
I think I know some of these folks!!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 27, 2007, 05:14:47 PM
Post by: dolphin on May 08, 2007, 01:35:21 PM
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times... but this one is real, and it's important. So please
send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!! They only want
to see you naked!!!!
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid
Post by: Gregg on May 08, 2007, 08:49:42 PM
Roy, what about the lawn care company that calls every spring to tell me there have been lots of people in the neighborhood reporting ants inside the house? Maybe it's another insect scam!
Post by: krissel on May 10, 2007, 02:03:39 AM
the blazes.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level.
So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would
be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
Post by: dolphin on May 10, 2007, 06:48:02 AM
He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm
and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him,
"You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he
sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives
home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail
address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
Post by: Gregg on May 10, 2007, 07:31:08 AM
QUOTE(dolphin @ May 10 2007, 06:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
Then your doorbell rang...
Post by: Highmac on May 10, 2007, 10:41:01 AM
Couple of YouTube offerings:
Vista Install in two minutes
and
Voice "recognition"
Post by: dolphin on May 13, 2007, 10:59:38 AM
Does anyone know or is it possible to know what the longest thread i.e. # of views, # of responses; longevity of activity on the board is or was??? 
Hope this makes sense. 
Post by: RHPConsult on May 14, 2007, 09:30:11 AM
To keep this one going, here are 3 commentaries on marriage . . .
- A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." - Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
- A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Post by: Highmac on May 14, 2007, 10:10:33 AM
- You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both - if you know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem - see a doctor.
- All men see only 16 colours, like Windows default settings (I suspect this list is quite old!); Peach for example is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
- Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work.
- Crying is blackmail.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" then we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying but it's not worth the hassle.
- If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear will be fine... Really!
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- Yes I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but men don't really mind - it's like camping.
Post by: Highmac on May 14, 2007, 10:45:12 AM
And it rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they know as little as their parents.
Post by: Gregg on May 14, 2007, 12:15:39 PM
*Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after
7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Post by: Highmac on May 14, 2007, 12:22:48 PM
QUOTE(Gregg @ May 14 2007, 06:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
UK version: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the offside rule, refereeing decisions or off-roading
Post by: underdog on May 16, 2007, 08:53:47 AM
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Missouri quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists.
Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.
Post by: dolphin on May 16, 2007, 09:37:49 AM
Post by: jepinto on May 16, 2007, 09:38:36 AM
Post by: dolphin on May 16, 2007, 01:06:15 PM
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
4. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
5. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
6. What disease did cured ham actually have?
7.How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
12. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
13. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
14. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
15. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
16. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
17. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
18. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
19. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
20. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
21. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
22. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
23.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Post by: Buck on May 16, 2007, 01:29:08 PM
Right away one of them sits down and changed from hiking boots to sneekers.
One buddy asks, what you changing shows for? You can't out run no bear!
I know that his buddy says. But all I have to do is out run any one of you dudes.
Post by: kimmer on May 20, 2007, 03:24:42 AM
A lady related to us that she watched her newly retired husband rearrange the contents of all her kitchen shelves.
"Didn't you try and stop him?" one of her friends asked her.
"No," the lady said calmly. "I just waited until he was through. Then I went down to the basement and rearranged all his tools."
*****
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
'Me, too" said the second. "let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate, and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second one.
“O.K" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner had they fallen asleep , a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them all up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, " I love baskin' robins."
*****
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
*****
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit a glob into his hand and said, "You have to
keep the worms warm!"
*****
Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.
In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.
Waste not want not, so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tosses them in the lion's cage at feeding time.
"Darn," roars the lion, "not finch and chimps again."
Rim Shot!
Post by: RNKIII on May 20, 2007, 08:13:04 AM
Thanks,(?) Kimmer...
Bpb K. rnkiii
Post by: RHPConsult on May 20, 2007, 08:44:23 AM
QUOTE
It was a cold winter day in Owatonna, Minney-sota, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake . . .
Post by: jepinto on May 20, 2007, 10:10:41 AM
Post by: chriskleeman on May 20, 2007, 10:20:10 AM
Having just purchased another motorcycle, I just about laughed myself off the couch!!!
Chris K
Post by: kimmer on May 20, 2007, 10:34:29 AM
QUOTE(RHPConsult @ May 20 2007, 05:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hey, Kimmer, didn't you mean to say
QUOTE
It was a cold winter day in Owatonna, Minney-sota, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake . . .
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!
Jennie, that ad is toooooo funny!
Post by: kimmer on May 20, 2007, 11:47:34 AM
Post by: jepinto on May 20, 2007, 12:01:50 PM
Post by: kimmer on May 20, 2007, 12:35:35 PM
Post by: jepinto on May 20, 2007, 03:41:35 PM
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves Chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."
Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.
Post by: kimmer on May 20, 2007, 06:30:14 PM
QUOTE(jepinto @ May 20 2007, 12:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
... there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.
ROFLOL!!!!!!
Okay, I now have a grand case of giggles.
HAHAHAHAHA
Post by: dolphin on May 20, 2007, 09:35:04 PM
QUOTE(jepinto @ May 20 2007, 11:10 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
[attachment=297:unknown.jpg]
Oh my...too funny Jenny!!!
QUOTE(kimmer @ May 20 2007, 12:47 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Oh my Kimmer...between you and Jenny my ribs hurt from laughing!!!
Post by: krissel on May 22, 2007, 02:19:13 AM
That cartoon you posted is by the brother of a very good friend of mine.
His stuff is off beat and very funny. He also has some raunchy stuff which is not online.
http://joekohl.com/cartoons.htm
Post by: Gregg on May 22, 2007, 08:11:44 AM
After all, they're doing two things that could kill you.
Post by: Highmac on May 22, 2007, 11:48:56 AM
It appeared yesterday in one of our national papers (Metro - given away free on trains and buses!)
Post by: kimmer on May 22, 2007, 12:06:51 PM
QUOTE(krissel @ May 21 2007, 11:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Hey kimmer!
That cartoon you posted is by the brother of a very good friend of mine.
That cartoon you posted is by the brother of a very good friend of mine.
Oh! My! Word! I had to put my coffee cup down cuz I'm laughing so hard. HYSTERICALLY funny stuff!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Thanks for the link.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
PS: You can remove the cartoon links if it's a prob.
Post by: kimmer on May 22, 2007, 12:26:18 PM
"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."
* * * * *
Dog Has To Take Pills
My dog has to take these pills. She has something wrong with her gastrointestinal tract.
The gastrointestinal tract of a dog represents all that I find objectionable about the species. From the teeth that chew the toes out of my shoes, the wet tongue that awakens me at 6:00 AM on a Saturday, the throat which produces frantic barking when the neighbors commit the crime of walking in their own driveway, the stomach which made room for an entire leg of lamb on Easter when I left the room for half an hour, to the production center which plops dog stools all over the back yard----I don't want her gastrointestinal tract cured, I want it REMOVED.
Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely fond of my dog, the only creature in the house who treats me with something other than contempt.
Me: "No one is going anywhere until the garage is cleaned up!"
Children: "We hate you!"
Dog: Wag wag wag.
The dog's current affliction made itself known to me one night with the sound of a balloon being released. I opened my eyes, half expecting to see my dog flying around the room in circles until totally deflated.
Instead, I was treated to the olfactory equivalent of a hydrogen bomb-it was as if our bedroom had become the staging area for Saddam Hussein's biological warfare program.
"Oh my God! Get out! Get out!" I shouted.
"You always blame the dog," my wife mumbled.
I assumed that what the kids soon came to refer to as the dog's "butt blasters" would pass once whatever she had eaten, roadkill or my new suit or the couch in the basement, had found its way down the alimentary canal and out onto my lawn. When, after a few days, this proved not to be the case, I took the dog to the vet and was given some pills to administer twice a day.
The vet's instructions made the process of giving medicine to a dog sound pretty easy: open her mouth, pitch the tablet onto the back of her tongue, and stroke her throat until she swallows.
The reality is that administering a pill to a dog is like trying to give a root canal to a great white shark. The process starts with opening the medicine bottle, which alerts the dog that the games are about to begin. She sits upright, ears cocked, lips slightly drawn back to remind me that she has relatives in Africa who are pulling down water buffalo. I approach my pet with a piece of limp bologna in my hand to disguise the existence of the capsule of anti-butt blaster medication, making friendly "I'm not going to give you a pill" sounds.
She doesn't buy it. Her ears drop back flat against her skull and she slinks to the ground, eyes cold as they dart from me to couch, gauging the gap even as I maneuver to close it. "Want some bologna?" I suggest.
At the sound of my voice she explodes into action, streaking across the floor. The kids lunge from the kitchen, cutting off that avenue.
She brakes and swerves and I dive, rolling on the carpet. I grab fruitlessly at the air.
With a click of teeth, the bologna vanishes, the pill bouncing away. A lamp crashes over as I come to a stop.
The few times I have managed to grip her by the jaws and force the medicine down her throat, it has come firing back out as if shot from a pellet gun. Worse, the exertion triggers the very symptom the pills are supposed to address, so that I am caught trying to run around the room without BREATHING. The children abandon me at this point, leaving me alone with the butt blaster. When I finally am forced to inhale, my eyes tear so badly I can no longer see my adversary.
Frankly, I don't think the dog WANTS to get better. This is the same animal who delights in rolling in dead squirrel parts, so that her fur is imbued with a stench is so powerful every canine in the neighborhood howls with envy. Whenever she rattles the room with a butt blaster, her eyes take on a radiant gleam, a "hey, that was my best one yet!" expression which is undiminished by the fact that the rest of her family is gagging and falling to the floor.
My son claims to have an idea which will solve our problem. I'm not sure what he has in mind, but when I told him I was ready to try anything he began assembling a pile of tools which included his slingshot and a fifty foot garden hose. Now he is filling water balloons with beef bullion and talking to himself about the "end of butt blaster as we know it."
The dog, watching from the corner, doesn't look very worried to me.
Post by: jepinto on May 22, 2007, 04:03:48 PM
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect y our memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you messin' with me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you messin with me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law!!!
Post by: Gregg on May 23, 2007, 07:46:40 AM
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head
down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a
look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.
As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is
carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.
The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to
himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.
She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!" Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on May 23, 2007, 08:32:46 PM
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
TRUE story, but not by me.
***********************
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tinyfoot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's ske.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just .. . . just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . that . . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs.
Post by: RHPConsult on May 24, 2007, 04:39:07 PM
PARENT - Job Description
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them – frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Post by: dolphin on June 09, 2007, 06:59:35 AM
Here are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? ( Sweden)
A: So, it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one .
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ?
(England )
A: When, did your last slave die?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?( England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , right after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? ( Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? ( USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is .. illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Post by: Shades of Gray on June 09, 2007, 09:01:00 AM
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several h ours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man I tell her to fix her a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
===================
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Post by: Highmac on June 14, 2007, 06:44:16 AM
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7 This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Post by: Gregg on June 14, 2007, 07:50:56 AM
Cool, cat!Reminds me of an e-mail I sent to a friend when my Broncos were about to play the Packers in the Super Bowl. I crafted it such that each sentence was on one line, with a space between lines, and the first letter of each line spelled out my prediction:
Broncos Win
After they did, I let him in on the secret code. It "bowled" him over!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on June 14, 2007, 10:01:39 AM
her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and
told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money
back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what
she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back
again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually
happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.
................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard
that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free",
she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches
and I walked out the door.
................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said,
"Where?"
................They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate a gent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
................They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
................They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
................They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
................They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
................They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces."
................Yep, They Walk Among Us!
Post by: dolphin on June 14, 2007, 10:15:06 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jun 14 2007, 07:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7 This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7 This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
This is funny cat
Post by: dolphin on June 15, 2007, 07:13:16 AM
oops! It's not secret anymore!
Sounds tasty...but check out the gas price!
McDeath
Post by: dolphin on June 15, 2007, 07:20:58 AM
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and
the Irish Railway Company: Iarnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only
mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.
~~~~~~~
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train
in the last two years!
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
Post by: Gregg on June 15, 2007, 07:55:15 AM
QUOTE(dolphin @ Jun 15 2007, 07:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David...
What is that, pray tell?
Cute one!
Post by: Highmac on June 15, 2007, 11:46:14 AM
So here is the classic letter of complaint sent (allegedly!) to UK cable company NTL by an extremely disgruntled customer.
QUOTE
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,
Yours psychotically
John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,
Yours psychotically
John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]
It was a toss-up whether I put it here or in Dick's customer service thread in Tech
Post by: Texas Mac Man on June 19, 2007, 04:43:18 PM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
Cheers, Tom
Post by: sandyman on June 20, 2007, 11:52:45 AM
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment” said the genie. “As a reward I shall grant you one wish.”
“Well,” said Charles, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.”
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
“Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me ?” Charles asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. “This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?”
Charles thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana” said Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
“But now I love this woman called Camilla,” and he showed the genie the second photo.
“You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?”
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let's have a look at that dog again.”
Sandy
Post by: Highmac on June 20, 2007, 03:17:10 PM
Post by: Gregg on June 21, 2007, 07:24:42 AM
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in
his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered
warm milk, etc.. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy
enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car
and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the
kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the
car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would
be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car
a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the
kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt
terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen
a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten; So he prayed, "Lord,
I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his
business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed
to see cat food. This woman was a 'cat hater' and everyone knew it, so he
asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her
little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a
few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her
little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe
this, but I saw it with my own eyes! A kitten suddenly came flying out of
the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!"
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!!
And if Snopes says it's an urban legend, then it's just a joke, not a true story.
It's cute anyway.
Post by: dolphin on June 22, 2007, 06:56:35 AM
Post by: dolphin on June 25, 2007, 12:59:52 PM
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. ?"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. ?"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
??'???o ,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o???'?
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and talk, than to sit and listen."
???'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
???'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,, o???'???o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
???'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. ?Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
???'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'???o??
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. ?She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an airplane. ?So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. ?But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
??'???o,,,,o???'???o???'???o,,,,o???'??
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. ?She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. ?"God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused. ?"Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. ?"God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he."
Post by: Gregg on June 25, 2007, 01:02:27 PM
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail then." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 25, 2007, 03:13:53 PM
It reminded me that I need a faster Mac to allow faster 'refreshes'!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on June 25, 2007, 05:47:06 PM
Cheers, Tom
Post by: RHPConsult on June 26, 2007, 11:34:20 AM
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Post by: dolphin on June 30, 2007, 06:15:08 AM
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
There are only 5 questions, so don't get all excited and confused yet.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces between the question and answers below are there so you don't see the correct answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," maybe you should give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," maybe you shouldn't even attempt to answer the next question. Your brain is apparently over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall , Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're in real bad shape and for your own sake you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? Or have you forgotten it was YOU driving the BUS!!
Post by: Gregg on June 30, 2007, 08:52:14 PM
I didn't miss any
Post by: dolphin on July 02, 2007, 07:26:39 AM
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
---------- ----------------------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."<
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 03, 2007, 05:29:42 PM
Turn on your speakers.
Craig Ferguson (Late night TV talk show host) is trying to become an
honorary citizen of every state in the Union because his application with
the INS is taking so long.
And apparently, someone in Texas Gov. Rick Perry's office has a sense of humor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70vwzqUgrbk
Post by: jepinto on July 04, 2007, 03:20:36 PM
Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan,
Or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Oh, there was truth and goodness
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.
For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in His heaven
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.
And they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and rumbling
in the Land That Made Me Me.
We longed for love and romance,
And waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.
We danced to "Little Darlin'",
And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George, with Lipstick
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr.Wizard,
But not a Mr.T,
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins weren't Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at
The bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Buicks came with portholes,
And side show came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land That Made Me Me.
There were no golden arches,
No Perriers to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land That Made Me Me.
But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.
And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land That Made Me Me.
So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children
of the way it used to be,
Long ago, and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.
--Author unknown
Post by: Highmac on July 05, 2007, 05:08:58 AM
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying...
know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...."
"You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Post by: sandyman on July 06, 2007, 05:52:32 AM
In the UK this would be classed as NSFW, "Not Suitable For Work", but would still probably get a mention on post watershed humourous (humorous
) TV showsThe Register
Look for the article which says "Warning: no IT angle"
Be sure to read the follow up comments as well
Sandy
Post by: Highmac on July 06, 2007, 06:37:16 AM
QUOTE(sandyman @ Jul 6 2007, 11:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
humourous (humorous )
Sandy
)Sandy
Pedant alert: UK spellings - humour, humorous; US spellings - humor, humorous. But if you fancy joining a lengthy debate on spellings, check out this interesting Wikipedia page. If it was possible to come to blows over the internet I think some of this lot would have
Incidentally, I think it was Marie Antoinette who said "The pedants are revolting..."
Post by: Highmac on July 14, 2007, 07:13:18 AM
-----------------------------------------------------------
NEW VIRUS...
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1955
Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.
---------------------------------------------------------
Remember???????????
I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did... or did you send it to me??
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
---------------------------------------------------------
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being. . . . . absent minded...
---------------------------------------------------------
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh heck!, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen... I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think.... Or just make them laugh if they remember how......
Post by: kimmer on July 14, 2007, 11:56:32 AM
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Post by: Gregg on July 15, 2007, 04:35:46 PM
QUOTE(kimmer @ Jul 14 2007, 11:56 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
...you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
That's a funny one!
What does the smell of fresh rain sound like?
good one, Jennie!
Post by: jepinto on July 16, 2007, 07:39:22 AM
QUOTE(Gregg @ Jul 15 2007, 05:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
What does the smell of fresh rain sound like?
Green
Post by: jepinto on July 16, 2007, 12:33:03 PM
Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it's done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.
Click on the link below & you'll find out. Once it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle & you'll see how the magic works.
Follow this link...... http://www.1-click.jp/
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 16, 2007, 08:59:19 PM
Post by: Gregg on July 17, 2007, 07:37:04 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 16 2007, 08:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Try a left-click on that cursor site!
Ha! Right click does nothing, but at one point, a couple of the "mouse wheels" let go and took a stretching break. I couldn't reproduce the action intentionally.
Post by: dolphin on July 17, 2007, 08:13:19 AM
It was fun being a baby boomer - until now. Some
Of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits now
With new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers.!
They include:
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely
Walker."
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip."
Bobby Darin -- "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash."
Ringo Starr -- "I Get By With a Little Help From
Depends."
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your
Face."
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now."
Paul Simon -- " Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
The Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times to the
Bathroom."
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts."
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping."
The Temptations -- "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone."
Abba -- "Denture Queen."
Tony Orlando -- "Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You
Hear Me Fall."
Helen Reddy -- "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore."
Willie Nelson -- "On the Commode Again
Post by: dolphin on July 18, 2007, 10:06:51 AM
> double pane energy-efficient kind.
>
> Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
> He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I
> still hadn't paid for them.
>
> Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
> So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last
> year....
> Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
>
> Helllooooo? It's been a year! There was only silence at the other end of
> the line, so I finally just hung up.
>
> He didn't call back. Boy, I bet he felt dumb!
>
Post by: Gregg on July 19, 2007, 02:02:29 PM
Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous
flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above
the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the
table...everywhere.
Then some of the birds turned mean:
They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of
my own pocket.
And others birds were boisterous and loud:
They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and
night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. That's what I
get for trying to be a bird lover!
Post by: Gregg on July 19, 2007, 03:25:48 PM
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh- and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative .
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIETELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)
Post by: dolphin on July 20, 2007, 06:08:24 AM
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: . . .
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she tur ned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
Post by: krissel on July 23, 2007, 03:41:44 AM
QUOTE(Gregg @ Jul 19 2007, 03:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. That's what I
get for trying to be a bird lover!
get for trying to be a bird lover!
You can borrow a couple of my hawks.
Post by: Gregg on July 23, 2007, 07:40:16 AM
QUOTE(krissel @ Jul 23 2007, 03:41 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Gregg @ Jul 19 2007, 03:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. That's what I
get for trying to be a bird lover!
get for trying to be a bird lover!
You can borrow a couple of my hawks.
I'll trade you 2 er, 8 bunnies, and a passel of chipmunks!
Post by: pendragon on July 23, 2007, 08:29:19 AM
Post by: Gregg on July 23, 2007, 12:10:51 PM
QUOTE(pendragon @ Jul 23 2007, 08:29 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, does he still need correcting?
It depends.
Is it a virgin forest?
Post by: krissel on July 24, 2007, 04:40:42 AM
QUOTE(Gregg @ Jul 23 2007, 08:40 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'll trade you 2 er, 8 bunnies, and a passel of chipmunks!
Sorry, no deal. Too many of those already.
Post by: Highmac on July 24, 2007, 12:48:44 PM
QUOTE(pendragon @ Jul 23 2007, 02:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, does he still need correcting?
E-mailed this one to a former colleague (female) and got the following response.
QUOTE
I think he should take his own Tippex with him ...
Don't know if Tippex is universal, but over here it's the white stuff used for correcting typing errors. Remember them?
Post by: jwboyd on July 24, 2007, 01:04:26 PM
Post by: Jack W on July 24, 2007, 02:38:48 PM
Post by: Paddy on July 25, 2007, 11:00:37 AM
"I'm not 50! I'm $49.95 plus tax."
Post by: sandyman on July 25, 2007, 03:09:20 PM
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I want you make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks.....
I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah,
"Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Yup".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Uh huh".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Indeedy"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
Sandy
Post by: kimmer on July 25, 2007, 05:19:52 PM
And 2 more groaners ... one visual, one not.
[attachment=487:ATT333.jpg]
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your a**".
Post by: jepinto on July 26, 2007, 07:37:59 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI
Post by: Gregg on July 26, 2007, 07:44:09 AM
QUOTE(Paddy @ Jul 25 2007, 11:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
T-shirt slogan for women of a certain age:
"I'm not 50! I'm $49.95 plus tax."
"I'm not 50! I'm $49.95 plus tax."
Change your post count! Yikes! 6,666
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 26, 2007, 08:04:28 AM
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house…mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following.
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty, so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, “I've Got Worms.”
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat. Hose the dog doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start it again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
Post by: Jack W on July 26, 2007, 02:13:42 PM
QUOTE(jepinto @ Jul 26 2007, 08:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here is a video that still has me laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI
Hey Jennie —
indeed cute! I'll bet they'd have trouble keeping those line straight without the bars tied to their feet and bodies!
Good one.
- Jack
Post by: RNKIII on July 26, 2007, 03:49:45 PM
Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this.
Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it is.
1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road.
On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches
on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)
4) You used to 'drag' Main .
5) Most people went by a nickname
6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers,
because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old
you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides,
where would you get the money?
8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes,
you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.
9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.
10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn
by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field.
13) The golf course had only 9 holes.
14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.
17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.
18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.
19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the dairybar.
20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of
your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask
if you wanted a ride.
24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
27) There was no McDonalds.
28) The closest mall was over an hour away.
29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.
31) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is true, and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small town.
Post by: Jack W on July 26, 2007, 07:33:09 PM
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiftil, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t think so.
---------------------
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, “Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?”
“Sure that sounds great!” said Julie.
“Well, how much do you want me to pay you?” asked the man.
“Is fifty bucks all right?” Julie asked.
“Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage.”
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
“Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?” asked the wife.
“Well, she must, she was standing right on it!” her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. “I’m all finished” she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
“You painted the whole porch?”
“Yeah,” Julie replied, “I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!”
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
“Oh, and by the way,” said Julie, “That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
------------------------
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. These four friends were so confident about their grades that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time—however, after all the hardy-partying, they didn’t make it back to Duke until
Monday morning, right as the final exam was beginning in the chemistry class.
Rather than taking the final right then, they waited until after the test was finished, then found their professor and offered him their agreed upon explanation. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final, but begged to be allowed to make it up.
The professor thought it over briefly, then agreed they could make up the final on the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.”
Each finished the first problem and turned thc page. On the second page was written: “(For 95 points): Which tire?”
--------------------------
Clever these professors!
Post by: dolphin on July 26, 2007, 10:06:30 PM
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Post by: Gregg on July 27, 2007, 07:37:11 AM
QUOTE(jepinto @ Jul 26 2007, 07:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here is a video that still has me laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI
Is the guy in the headdress a true Native American? If not, I guess this wasn't an NCAA sponsored event.
Post by: dolphin on July 30, 2007, 03:02:14 AM
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts."
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks."
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons."
Forget it.
At their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
Post by: sandyman on July 31, 2007, 04:57:04 AM
Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This is a stick up. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote!
Two hunters from Michigan
(true story)
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.
The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?
Post by: dolphin on August 01, 2007, 10:24:20 PM
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on.
So He called one of His ANGELS to go to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down
another ANGEL to get a second opinion. "
So God called another ANGEL and sent him to earth for a time also.
When the ANGEL returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.
The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being > good.">
God was not pleased. So He decided to E -mail the 5% who were good,
because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something > to help
them keep going ...
Do you know what the E -mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking with you.
I didn't get one either!
Post by: Paddy on August 04, 2007, 06:18:16 PM
tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa"
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I
buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie"
At 4 am the next morning the police arrived in force and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.
The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie."
Post by: jepinto on August 06, 2007, 03:44:32 PM
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Post by: jepinto on August 06, 2007, 07:39:10 PM
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya O. K . Now? - No!
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Post by: jepinto on August 06, 2007, 07:45:09 PM
They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!
Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my --- .
Post by: Gregg on August 07, 2007, 09:07:46 AM
*********************************************************************
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?
*********************************************************************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******************************************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; It hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
********************************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," hereplied.
************************************************************ ********
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
************************************************************ *******
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me, and always she was correct.But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
********************************************************************
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*********************************************************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
************************************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
Thegrandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"
********************************************************************
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
********************************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
Post by: jepinto on August 10, 2007, 07:19:36 AM
Post by: jepinto on August 12, 2007, 08:41:10 AM
Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn, the preacher says, "Bubba,what you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to Pray for my Hearing."
So the Preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and the other hand on top of his head, and prays a while. After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your Hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know, Preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Memphis."
Post by: kimmer on August 12, 2007, 01:20:13 PM
Post by: Highmac on August 12, 2007, 02:02:29 PM
Video that made me laugh, anyway!
Post by: jepinto on August 12, 2007, 04:59:05 PM
Highmac:
Post by: jepinto on August 13, 2007, 07:39:26 AM
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So.. he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 13, 2007, 06:19:57 PM
Fortunately in was in a much less stressful situation...
Post by: dolphin on August 13, 2007, 08:35:48 PM
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
- Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
Post by: Gregg on August 14, 2007, 07:20:30 AM
Neil, English has got to be the wurst! Words sound the same, are spelled differently, and the other way around. Or they're spelled the same, with different meanings... An English teacher will be along to tell us which ones are synonyms, etc.
Post by: sandyman on August 15, 2007, 01:20:24 AM
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on August 15, 2007, 01:10:57 PM
One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter
line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and
watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket. "How are the three
of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch
and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three
Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly
after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He
knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just
a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took
it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed,
so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money. That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a
single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment,
the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to
travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and
learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a
toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the
way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the
war.
Post by: David on August 16, 2007, 05:06:52 PM
We had a wonderful evening - the ambiance was truly Gallic and the food was "par excellance".
She had Frog's Legs, Chicken Breasts and ...
... a Great Personality!
After 212 previous contributions, I hope you haven't heard it before.
Post by: jepinto on August 16, 2007, 08:12:27 PM
Nope, ain't heard it.
Post by: Gregg on August 17, 2007, 07:24:46 AM
QUOTE(David @ Aug 16 2007, 05:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Last night, I took a girlfriend to a French Restaurant.
You've got more than one?!
Post by: dolphin on August 18, 2007, 05:31:40 AM
" I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't
you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the
psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved
all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -
Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 18, 2007, 09:36:09 AM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
A Wife's Prayer :
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, I don't know how to crochet, and if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
Post by: jepinto on August 19, 2007, 08:13:33 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Aug 18 2007, 10:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A Wife's Prayer :
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, I don't know how to crochet, and if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, I don't know how to crochet, and if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.
Post by: Gregg on August 19, 2007, 01:43:13 PM
Post by: dolphin on August 21, 2007, 08:47:35 AM
I'm writing you this letter to tell you
that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you
for seven years and
I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the
last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't
even notice that I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal and even wore
a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER
and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. It's true that you and I
have been married for seven years,
although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a
girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned
away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and
I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the
letter you wrote ensures you won't get
a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.
Post by: DaveF on August 22, 2007, 07:32:12 PM
Saved this to read sometime when I think I've had a bad day. Best tonic I can think of.
Dave
Post by: kimmer on August 26, 2007, 08:16:11 PM
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Post by: RHPConsult on August 29, 2007, 09:47:35 AM
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."
Post by: krissel on September 05, 2007, 12:06:41 AM
http://shizzville.com/invisible-rope
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 05, 2007, 11:14:20 AM
QUOTE
People are so gullible.
Not to mention stupid! What did those guys think would happen? Any sane person would slow down until sure that they wouldn't harm the idiots holding some kind of rope/string/wire across the road. At least I would. Of course, in Memphis, we would suspect that the guys were trying to slow you down so they could either rob or carjack you. And the 'rope holders' would also be putting their 'too-much-free-time' lives in jeopardy of getting shot by some driver, anyway! 
xABD
------
They told me I was gullible
and I believed them!
Post by: jwboyd on September 05, 2007, 12:47:54 PM
Given the strange behavior being exhibited, a prudent person would be cautious. In addtion, I would try to be very alert.
Joe
Post by: krissel on September 06, 2007, 12:54:38 AM
However that doesn't make me any less gullible.
Post by: RHPConsult on September 06, 2007, 03:27:13 AM
I'll keep my speculations to myself.
Post by: Gregg on September 06, 2007, 07:40:29 AM
Ar, can saw one talkin' on that thar cell phone.
But, I noticed lots of "dead time". It was probably all edited.
Post by: Paddy on September 11, 2007, 07:38:52 PM
QUOTE
25 funny analogies taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Post by: RHPConsult on September 11, 2007, 08:33:02 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 11, 2007, 09:58:11 PM
Post by: kimmer on September 21, 2007, 11:49:28 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."
A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar is serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A guy walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.
A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money."
A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."
This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.
A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible--the three wise men came from afar."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him. "I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts--they're complementary."
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign--I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."
A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today."
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."
Post by: sandbox on September 21, 2007, 01:08:46 PM
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 24, 2007, 07:48:44 PM
Do you know why a Chicken Coup has two doors?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because if it had four doors, it'd be a Chicken Sedan!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 25, 2007, 03:47:56 PM
***********************
I was deliberating over a new TV and asked the young salesman its country of orgin.
"I'll have to look on the box", he said, disappearing into the stockroom.
On his return, he announced, "Built in Antenna, sir."
***********************
Hopefully, he's not old enough to vote yet!!!!
Post by: kimmer on September 25, 2007, 07:41:12 PM
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within
minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer
started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same,
no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how
materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your
possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can y ou say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the
elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Oh no!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Post by: kimmer on September 26, 2007, 12:21:21 PM
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The piano burns longer.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Two foxes are chasing a hare. Gasps one to the other: "I hate fast food!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From Sneakers:
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME....
A man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his backside. Police suspect a cereal killer.
Post by: kimmer on October 01, 2007, 01:49:34 AM
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Post by: sandyman on October 01, 2007, 02:33:38 PM
A little boy got on the bus in Dublin , sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. ' Oi am a Father.'
The little boy replied. 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar loike dat .
The priest looked up from his book and answered. ' Oi am da Father of many.'
The boy said. 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and he doesn't wear his collar dat way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. ' Oi am da Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. 'Maybe ya should wear yer pants backwards instead o ' yer collar.'
Sandy
Post by: Gregg on October 01, 2007, 08:30:36 PM
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about
her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the
doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little
girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart,
thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument:"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
==================================================
A WISE LITTLE GIRL
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in
Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says that's wrong."
==================================================
TOO ROUGH
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
==================================================
THUMB SUCKING
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what *you've* been doing."
Post by: sandyman on October 05, 2007, 04:11:55 PM
Don't follow the link if you are at all easily offended.
Personally I thought that it was hilarious, but that may just be a Brit sense of humour thing.
If you visit The Register you know what sort of things you can expect. The Register
Sandy
Post by: Gregg on October 06, 2007, 04:38:59 PM
E-Mail Procedures
A blonde went to her mail box several times early one
morning, long before it was time for the mail carrier to come
around. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and
asked if she was waiting for a special delivery. "No," she
said, "but my computer keeps telling me I have mail!!"
Don’t jump
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The
news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette
says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and
saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
Jump!
Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette,
"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps
and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams
into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the
blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump"! "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away"! "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
Blondes are smarter than Lawyers
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she
would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a
nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy
and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Blonde Painter
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so
she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after
her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying
on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a
ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He
then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
(scroll down)... I love this one ...
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
" Never Let A Blonde Paint Your Porch "
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Hail Damage
A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when suddenly she found herself in the middle of a really bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls and her car was dented quite badly. The next day she takes it to a repair shop to have it looked at.
The repair guy noticing that she`s blonde and quite dingy when she speaks , decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tailpipe really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all the dents to pop out.
When she gets home she starts blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend who is also a blonde shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tailpipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "what are you doing?"She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tailpipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
Blonde with Class
On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Post by: Highmac on October 07, 2007, 11:42:48 AM
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The blonde replies... "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Post by: jepinto on October 07, 2007, 01:39:39 PM
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just mules.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep being nauseous long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the butt are permanent.
Post by: Highmac on October 07, 2007, 01:54:10 PM
Post by: jepinto on October 08, 2007, 07:03:20 PM
"When someone shares something of value and it benefits you, you have a moral obligation to share it with others."
Chinese Proverb
Post by: Gregg on October 08, 2007, 09:02:58 PM
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.
Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the
first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir
came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until
the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday
to you. Happy birthday to you..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned
in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his
engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress
and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied,
"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Post by: Highmac on October 10, 2007, 09:12:10 AM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers....
Post by: krissel on October 11, 2007, 10:34:55 PM
Post by: kimmer on October 12, 2007, 02:37:39 AM
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon a great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed they would meet in twenty years at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long, came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"
"No, it's not."
"Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."
"Don't be silly. You can't tell a brook by its clover."
- = - - = - - = - - = - - = - - = - - = -
The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."
Post by: Highmac on October 15, 2007, 02:29:20 AM
http://www.blip.tv/file/340692
Post by: krissel on October 16, 2007, 11:03:16 PM
Post by: dolphin on October 17, 2007, 05:28:51 AM
Post by: RHPConsult on October 19, 2007, 09:01:04 PM
When Russ found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said as he walked up to her, 'but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
Post by: krissel on October 19, 2007, 10:02:40 PM
I saw that one coming half way through...
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 20, 2007, 08:25:08 AM
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."
Post by: gunug on October 20, 2007, 10:40:42 AM
Post by: Gregg on October 21, 2007, 06:06:59 PM
test papers.
- A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant
orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay,
the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big
Bang Theory."
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others
preferred to be oil.
- All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived
peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and
condoms.
- Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in
France.
- Men are mammals and women are femammals.
- Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
- Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
- Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to
science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
- The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
- A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you
don't, why you should.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is
known as constipation.
- The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
- Some people say we condescended from apes.
- If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
adolescence.
- When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
expire.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube.
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader.
- Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire.
- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
- The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowls, of which there are five a, e, i, o, and u.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops.
- For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artificial perspiration.
- For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her
arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of
the nearest medical doctor.
- For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.
- For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead.
- For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it
drops in your throat.
- To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 25, 2007, 08:09:21 PM
Two new eBooks may be of help to some Apple customers:
I haven't ordered my copies yet but they sound like great 'stocking stuffers'!
Post by: sandyman on October 29, 2007, 10:00:58 AM
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
Sandy
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 29, 2007, 03:23:19 PM
Post by: Gregg on November 01, 2007, 01:08:46 PM
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of
Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked
for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...It creates a hostile work environment
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 01, 2007, 02:52:03 PM
You probably already know the answer...
"No 'mam, these are all dead."
Post by: Gregg on November 01, 2007, 04:00:38 PM
On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.
As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
Post by: RHPConsult on November 01, 2007, 04:17:11 PM
RSVPs to the Invitation to the Scientists’ Ball
• Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
• Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
• Ohm resisted the idea at first.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
• Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
• Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
• Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
• Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
• Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
• Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule
• Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding.
• Descartes said he'd think about it.
• Newton was moved to attend.
• Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
• Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
• Otis thought it mights have its ups and downs
Post by: krissel on November 02, 2007, 05:40:35 AM
• Archimedes calculated he could make it on time
• Bohr couldn't go because he had to conserve his energy
• Copernicus thought his presence would eclipse the importance of the other scientists
• Franklin was keyed up at the idea of attending
• Sagan had a billion reasons for not going
Post by: Gregg on November 02, 2007, 08:00:11 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 02, 2007, 10:02:29 AM
Post by: sandyman on November 05, 2007, 12:36:21 PM
I can't remember if these have been posted before
TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO.
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or starts a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY.
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY.
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
WOOFies.
Well Off Older Folk.
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING
Sandy
Post by: Gregg on November 06, 2007, 07:25:55 AM
QUOTE(sandyman @ Nov 5 2007, 12:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
New Words
I can't remember if these have been posted before
I can't remember if these have been posted before
That's ok, maybe Jim will understand a few of them this time.
Post by: krissel on November 07, 2007, 02:50:55 AM
Post by: RHPConsult on November 07, 2007, 11:42:38 AM
It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
Post by: kcourt on November 07, 2007, 12:26:24 PM
I'm older than dirt. How about you?????Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died. Also, most of our moms stayed at home while our dads worked.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was in college. It was, of course, black and white, and a screen about 7" wide.
Our family only had one car until I was in high school. When my sister and I went off to college, our dad bought us a second hand Dodge. We had to shift gears and was hard to drive but we did not complain. Most of our friends had to take the bus. I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which they could keep 2 cents. They had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, they had to collect the 42 cents from their customers. Their favorite customers were the ones who gave them 50 cents and told them to keep the change. Their least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many of these do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes. (my grandmothers' was made of real wood, and they delivered a big 50 pound ice cube each morning.)
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
OLDER THAN DIRT QUIZ: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards (my mom’s favorite car)
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
26. Box cameras
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-26 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Kathy
Post by: RHPConsult on November 07, 2007, 07:27:57 PM
Thanks, Kathy. VERY good! Wonderful, in fact.
A few misteakes or oversights or additions.
- The Daily Pantagraph (Bloomington-Normal, Illinois) was 25¢ a week. My triumph as a "carrier-salesman" was to persuade more of my subscribers (than any other boy) to PIA, pay in advance @ $1 a month. I made about $5 a week as I recall. which was about 20 times the allowance I was getting before entering the workforce!
- The 45 rpm disks with the BIG hole were "hi tech", replacing the 78 rpm shellac records . . . that we played on a turntable with a sharpened cactus spine (I am NOT making this up!) to protect the tracks . . . or something
- As I recall, our 37 Dodge coupe had a stick shift about 5 ft long!!!!
- In the summer, if you were lucky and enterprising, when the "Ice Wagon" stopped in front of your house, you could scoop-up a few slivers of ice from its wooden floor left when the Iceman had chipped one of those 50 lb blocks from the "inventory" he was carrying around town. "Bacteria, from the floor? What bacteria?" It was summer and the ice was the coolest thing around. And, of course, the horse "knew the route", so when the iceman hoisted the block onto the leather protecting his shoulder, the horse would walk ahead to await him at the next house.
- The first "turn-signal" I ever saw was on my Aunt Virginia's '38 Buick coupe (which she called her "machine') . . . a small 2-position switch, mounted on a little box protruding from the left side of the steering column. (Aunt Virginia was, of course, married to a lawyer!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 08, 2007, 12:24:05 PM
Now, I'm sure there is a place on the Internet that will explain the reason that those three common rotation speeds existed...so here's an interesting one:
Post by: Texas Mac Man on November 08, 2007, 03:27:49 PM
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Post by: dolphin on November 09, 2007, 02:15:54 PM
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
to WALMART!
Why WALMART???
WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!
Post by: Gregg on November 10, 2007, 07:25:29 PM
"BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER"
1) (AROUND A PICTURE OF DANDELIONS) I FOUGHT THE LAWN AND THE LAWN WON
2) SO FEW MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
3) I SUFFER OCCASIONAL DELUSIONS OF ADEQUACY
4) GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS
5) IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING
6) AT MY AGE, I'VE SEEN IT ALL, DONE IT ALL, HEARD IT ALL ... I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT ALL
7) MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS
8) I JUST DO WHAT THE VOICES INSIDE MY HEAD TELL ME TO DO
9) (WORN BY A PREGNANT WOMAN) A MAN DID THIS TO ME, OPRAH
10) IF IT'S CALLED TOURIST SEASON, WHY CAN'T WE HUNT THEM?
11) SENIOR CITIZEN: GIVE ME MY DAMN DISCOUNT
12) PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG
13) NO, IT DOESN'T HURT (ON A "WELL-TATTOOED GENTLEMAN")
14) (ON THE BACK OF A PASSING MOTORCYCLIST) IF YOU CAN READ THIS, MY WIFE FELL OFF
15) I USED TO BE SCHIZOPHRENIC, BUT WE'RE OK NOW
16) (OVER THE OUTLINE OF THE STATE OF MINNESOTA) MY GOVERNOR CAN BEAT UP YOUR GOVERNOR
17) VENI, VEDI, VISA: I CAME. I SAW. I DID A LITTLE SHOPPING.
18) WHAT IF THE HOKEY POKEY IS REALLY WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT
19) I DIDN'T CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN
20) (ON THE FRONT) YALE IS JUST ONE BIG PARTY (ON THE BACK) WITH A $25,000 COVER CHARGE
21) COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
22) LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR ... WILL THINK FOR MONEY
24) IRS -- BE AUDIT YOU CAN BE
25) GRAVITY ... IT'S NOT JUST A GOOD IDEA. IT'S THE LAW.
26) IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
27) WANTED: MEANINGFUL OVERNIGHT RELATIONSHIP
28) THE OLD PRO ... OFTEN WRONG ... NEVER IN DOUBT
29) IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, SKYDIVING ISN'T FOR YOU
30) OLD AGE COMES AT A BAD TIME
31) IN AMERICA, ANYONE CAN BE PRESIDENT. THAT'S ONE OF THE RISKS YOU TAKE.
32) FIRST THINGS FIRST, BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.
33) THIS RADIO IS PERFECTLY IN TUNE DO NOT ADJUST THE KNOBS.
(34)MY WIFE SAYS I DON'T LISTEN TO HER -- AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I THINK SHE SAYS
(35)IF I COULD REMEMBER YOUR NAME, I'D ASK YOU WHERE I LEFT MY KEYS
(36)TAXATION WITH REPRESENTATION ISN'T SO HOT, EITHER
(37)THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE -- THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T
(38)"I'M NOT 30. I'M $ 29.95 PLUS TAX"
(39) BAD SPELLERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
(40) ON A VERY OBESE LADY: “I BEAT ANOREXIA”
(41) IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY PEACHES, DON'T SHAKE MY TREE!
(42)WIFE'S T-SHIRT: "I ONLY SLEEP WITH THE BEST" HUSBAND’S T-SHIRT: "THE BEST"
(43) I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN. IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING TRY TO KEEP UP.
(44) RETIRED, BUT I STILL WORK PART TIME BEING A PAIN IN THE...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 10, 2007, 09:44:44 PM
The display was very simple: one arrow pointing right with some text saying, "Starboard", another arrow pointing left, it's text simply "Port".
The humorous part is that the text is upside down, it was printed for the wearer to be able to read it!
Post by: Highmac on November 11, 2007, 04:34:56 AM
QUOTE(Gregg @ Nov 11 2007, 01:25 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
"BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER"
(43) I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN. IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING TRY TO KEEP UP.
(43) I AM A BOMB TECHNICIAN. IF YOU SEE ME RUNNING TRY TO KEEP UP.
When we flew to LA in May 2001, we were talking to a dog handler at Heathrow and asked if his dog was on the lookout for drugs. "No", he said, "explosives. If you see us running you want to be in front...."
Wonder if HE runs a T-shirt shop now....
Jim: Don't they still have shops over there that make T-shorts to order... with your "own" design
Post by: RHPConsult on November 11, 2007, 11:17:28 AM
QUOTE
Jim: Don't they still have shops over there that make T-shorts to order... with your "own" design wink.gif
That's right, Neil. One example is . . . TeeEss' "own", with Krissel's art . . . @ Cafe Press
Post by: Johanbgoot on November 12, 2007, 11:37:02 AM
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of
us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
Post by: RHPConsult on November 12, 2007, 01:38:44 PM
Post by: sandyman on November 14, 2007, 11:22:15 AM
The Guardian
How dumb can you get?
Sandy
Post by: Gregg on November 14, 2007, 11:55:01 AM
Maybe the guy figured his fate couldn't be any better if he got caught.
Post by: kimmer on November 15, 2007, 12:04:50 PM
The visitor was duly impressed, until the secretary's voice floated back into the room, loud and clear: "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.
One wore the top half and one wore the bottom half.
They went as an upper and lower GI.
Post by: bil207 on November 16, 2007, 08:22:11 PM
1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.
I know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
Post by: krissel on November 17, 2007, 01:33:47 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 17, 2007, 09:40:47 AM
QUOTE
While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot...
Does this phenomenon occur when sitting in other locations?! Or do I just need to move my computer some where else?
Post by: Bruce_F on November 18, 2007, 06:46:18 PM
Post by: dolphin on November 20, 2007, 06:00:47 AM
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?""
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak
to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't
go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads were not paved.
--------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think
of Algebra class.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to
pull up your zipper. But it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
-------------------------------------------
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they
collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What
does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! Tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife
look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's go look for yours."
*********
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...Amen.
*********
Live Well * Laugh Often * Love Much!
*********
Post by: dolphin on November 20, 2007, 06:52:10 AM
[attachment=775:ATT8.jpg]
Post by: RHPConsult on November 20, 2007, 10:13:08 PM
The Forty-two Pound Turkey
Author Unknown
It all started in July at a grocery store promotion. "How large is this turkey?" the local grocery store asked. Guesses ran to 30 pounds or so, but actually it was 42 pounds. This was, needless to say, a large turkey. But in July, no one wanted the turkey, and it was put in the freezer till a more auspicious time. And, so it came to pass that Mom was in the store just before the holidays in 1994, and since she is a naturally talkative person, she struck up a conversation with the butcher at the counter.
"I need a kind of big turkey for my family coming," said Mom.
To which the butcher replied, "Well, if you are looking for a big turkey, I may have just the thing."
And he hauled out the 42-pound bird for Mom.
"Nice big bird," said Mom, "but it would cost far too much for my fixed income budget."
"Here's the deal," said the friendly butcher. "I can't move this bird at all at the usual price. No one wants a bird this big, so tell you what I'll do. I'll sell you this turkey for 49 cents a pound."
Mom, being nobody's fool, thought that such a purchase would be entirely reasonable. After all, $20 for a really BIG turkey would be a reasonable price. And besides, of such stuff are Really Neat Family Legends made. (Little did she know.)
"Sold," said Mom.
It took four days to thaw out.
I showed up in Fargo two days before, and Mom was all a-twitter with ideas for how to put on a family dinner tour-de-force. We are talking major stuffing here. And so, off we went to the various stores to purchase dinner-making stuff.
Let me point out something important here. No one makes a roasting bag to handle a 42-pound turkey. And, few roasters can handle it either. So, we bought one of those nifty open aluminum roasting pans, figuring to cover it with, oh, an acre or two of aluminum foil. But there were some other interesting engineering problems to deal with. Like how to lift it.
"No problem," said Mom, "we'll just get some cheesecloth, wrap the bird in a kind of sling, and lift it that way. Elegant solution. Mom, methinks, has missed her true calling of engineer.
And so, the night before the big day, figuring we'd need a really long cooking time, we stuffed, slung, positioned, covered, vented the bird, and popped it in the oven at about 1:30 a.m. And so to bed, for a long winter's nap.
---Wrong.
At 3:15 a.m., I heard my Mom calling my name. Now you have to understand, when things are going well, I am "Don" to everyone, including Mom. But when that is not the case, I become "Donald." And Mom has a special way of saying Donald. "Donald," she said, "Oh, Donald!"
I responded groggily. "What? Whatsamatter?" I know Mom, and waking folks at 3:15 a.m. is just not her style.
"Donald," she said, "we have a problem."
"What," I responded, "problem do we have?"
"Our turkey is running over," said Mom. The shift from the turkey to our turkey was subtly done, in retrospect. At the time, it was effective. This was now a joint crisis.
For those who do not see such things clearly, it turns out that turkeys, in the process of cooking, release large quantities of juices, which for normal birds often later become gravy. For this bird, it had become a flood, and had overflowed the all-too-shallow roasting pan into the bottom of a hot oven.
Smoke. Small apartment. Smoke detectors at 3:16 a.m., roughly corresponding to opening the oven door. And cleaning turkey juices from the bottom of a hot oven at 3:19 a.m. is no easy thing, I can assure you. Many towels, not of the paper variety; even some other cloth materials I still do not recognize were used. (Mom is ready for any crisis of spill, it seems.)
And, so it got cleaned up. The towels got put in the washer at about 3:30 a.m., the fans blew the smoke out of the apartment. The smoke detectors got reset, and so to bed, for an altogether shorter winter's nap.
---Wrong. (again)
The turkey overflowed again at 5:20 a.m. Same scenario, in all relevant ways. This time, we tried to suck up some of the juices from the roaster, but the turkey-baster bulb was bad, and wouldn't create a vacuum. Smoke alarms, much general good-natured grousing, and Mom standing around saying gratuitous things like: "If I had known this would happen, I never would have bought that turkey."
There is no way an eldest son can respond to that appropriately, other than with variations on a theme of, "Oh, it's all right, Mom. This is just Another Neat Adventure on the Road of Life, and Someday We'll All Laugh At This Together."
So we each played our preordained roles in the crisis, and by that time, it was time to shower and shave, and get ready for the siblings, grandchildren, etc., and just hang out.
By about 11:30 a.m., the tiny kitchen was crowded with sisters, each moving in a mysterious choreography, getting in each other's way, using the Very Dish That I Needed for things like glorified rice and other holiday dishes, and the general buzz of Big Holiday Meal Preparation.
When the time came to lift the bird, out it came in Mom's cheesecloth sling, just as nice as you please, and if I do say so myself, it looked like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting on its platter.
Much frenetic activity followed, including the required Making of the Gravy from what remained of the copious turkey juices in the bottom of the pan. Mom is not one of your cornstarch gravy people. She does a flour paste, mixing it thoroughly and putting it in a bowl, thereafter to be stirred into the gravy juices for several minutes, and it really is quite wonderful.
Now I have to tell you, I was standing right there, and I don't know how it happened. But somehow, the white glass bowl with the flour/water mixture in it ended up on top of the stove. On a burner. Which was on. The bowl was opaque white glass, not Pyrex, and not made for this kind of insult. And the bowl exploded. I don't mean cracked and fell apart, I mean "exploded," with a loud bang, and the throwing waist-high of glass splinters mixed with flour and water all around the kitchen, including onto the aforementioned hot burner, which promptly gave off a cloud of smoke, setting off the aforementioned smoke alarms yet again, which caused the smallest children to panic and cry.
Well, you get the idea. Rising (well, stooping actually) to the occasion, I:
1. turned off the burner
2. threw everyone out of the kitchen
3. disconnected the smoke alarm
4. opened the windows
5. started to clean up the mess
Mom had been standing there all this time, watching this happen with an air of almost mystic detachment. I was looking directly at her when she recovered her equanimity.
"Shoot!," said Mom, "That was my last flour. I'll have to go to the store and get some more."
And she put her coat on and out the door she went. Leaving yours truly once again to reorganize the scene. And when she got back with flour, about 15 minutes later, all was again in order, and the day progressed more or less uneventfully.
The dinner was magnificent. The quantity and quality of the leftovers was astonishing. It was, in every possible way, An Event of Significance. But (you may already have surmised) it was Not Yet Over.
Afterwards, the sisters took over the kitchen, cleaning everything up and generally fulfilling the role of Dutiful Daughters (no sexism implied, as I had already fulfilled the role of Dutiful Son for most of the previous long winter's night), packing the dishwasher, putting stuff away, etc. And, as it turned out, Turning On the Self-Cleaning Oven.
Now, for those not familiar with the technology, SCOs heat themselves up to a relatively high temperature, lock themselves (this is important) with a solenoid so that no one can open it again, then heat way up and literally burn the stuff off the inside, reducing it to a fine ash that can easily be wiped out or even sucked out with a small vacuum cleaner.
Remember the turkey juice that had overflowed? Well, there was still a fair amount of it left on the bottom of the oven. We had not gotten around to sponging it out, and the late-arriving sister didn't know that needed to be done. So, oven really hot and locked, turkey juice on the bottom, and a vent for excess heat.
Smoke....
Not just a little smoke; we are talking SMOKE here -- billows of smoke, clouds of acrid smoke, really serious smoke. And the aforementioned smoke alarms, causing little children to panic and cry.
Open windows, and smoke billows out. Open doors to hallway, and smoke fills the entire apartment complex. Which, of course, has its own smoke alarms and automatic fire department call relays. And we can't open the oven, which takes a while to cool down, and still pours smoke out the vents.
So, smoke, alarms, neighbors, fire department folks -- We gave them all some fudge, put fans in the windows, and assured everyone that The Situation is Temporary and Really Under Control. Mom moved wraith-like through it all, and kept saying:
"Boy, we're going to remember this one for a long time."
"We're going to remember this one for a long time."
Happy Thanksgiving
Post by: Gregg on November 21, 2007, 07:23:56 AM
I wish I knew how to get the Thanksgiving themed cartoons my aunt sent me into this thread as a follow-up.
Post by: george on November 21, 2007, 11:20:51 AM
I have chosen to upload this piece of humour but somehow it is not happening.
back to the drawing board.
G
/Users/georgehiggins/Desktop/Goodbye_golf.pps
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 21, 2007, 11:59:48 AM
I think there is a list of formats in the full editor screen, mostly jpeg, gif, tif, etc. Basically smaller, 'normal' graphics formats.
Post by: george on November 21, 2007, 12:04:03 PM
G
Post by: Gary S on November 22, 2007, 12:40:52 PM
Happy Thanksgiving!
Post by: RHPConsult on December 06, 2007, 08:08:06 PM
Time for Christmas Humor (humour)
QUOTE
189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company.
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces, and mailed it off to the company.
Post by: Gregg on December 07, 2007, 07:16:16 AM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 12, 2007, 04:59:26 PM
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you WHO is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
Post by: RHPConsult on December 19, 2007, 10:56:56 PM
The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks, Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy, replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great, Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these
humps to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why are we in the San Diego zoo?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 22, 2007, 09:51:42 AM
PS, leave your political correctness sensor OFF while reading these!
And I have not approved all of these stories, I haven't even read all of them!
Post by: Highmac on December 22, 2007, 11:40:08 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 22 2007, 03:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
...I haven't even read all of them!
I have
One of my favourites....
QUOTE
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction!
Post by: Gregg on December 22, 2007, 02:41:44 PM
Post by: Bill-R on December 22, 2007, 07:27:04 PM
I guess I should add something entertaining to this while I am here.
This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Alaska:
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Alaska
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Alaska
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Alaska
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Alaska
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Alaska
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Alaska
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Alaska
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Alaska
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Alaska
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Alaska
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Alaska
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Alaska
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Alaska friends & others, you live or have lived in Alaska
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 26, 2007, 05:14:41 PM
<icanhascheezburger.com>
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 09, 2008, 04:37:25 PM
<looks like the bulb’s burnt out on the closest UV bed>
<I not need prinz dat bad>
Post by: dolphin on January 14, 2008, 08:40:27 AM
POEM
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...
Post by: RNKIII on January 14, 2008, 08:52:56 AM
This one could keep you occupied for hours.
It's certainly a way to get rid of your aggression.
This is also really good for improving hand-eye coordination and timing.
See how far can you smack the penguin!
Click to make the penguin jump and then click again,
in time to make the polar bear swing the bat to hit the penguin across the ice.
Warning : Very addictive
http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
Bob K.
Post by: jwboyd on January 14, 2008, 09:18:05 AM
Hint: Try to hit a fly ball instead of a grounder.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 16, 2008, 02:27:50 PM
<iBed>
For all you Dog lovers:
Be careful who you ask for at tech support!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 18, 2008, 04:50:48 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 19, 2008, 11:58:06 AM
[attachment=831:displann...81093750.jpg]
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 19, 2008, 01:29:38 PM
missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck,
slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower
stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then
suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
I found the remote," he mumbled.
Post by: dolphin on January 24, 2008, 01:44:01 PM
Quiz for Smart People
This is a test for Smart People.....I have determined that you
qualify.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! Do Not Scroll before answering each question first
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you
learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting
says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader???
_____________________________________________________________
Post by: krissel on January 27, 2008, 01:22:42 AM
Submitted by Dmitri Davydov on Mon, 2007-10-29 11:54.
Posted in: Odd Numbers
None of this is made up. People really did put this stupid crazy stuff on their resumes or job applications.
1. I am very detail-oreinted.
2. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
3. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
4. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
5. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
6. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
7. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
8. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
9. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.
10. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
11. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
12. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
13. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
14. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
15. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
16. Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco.
17. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
18. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
19. I am a rabid typist.
20. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
21. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
22. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
23. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
24. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.
25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
26. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
27. Special skills: Thyping.
28. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
29. I can play well with others.
30. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
31. Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
32. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.
33. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
34. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
35. I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.
36. Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.
37. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.
38. Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
39. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
40. My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.
41. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
42. Referees available upon request.
43. Previous rank: Senior instigator.
44. I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
45. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
46. Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
47. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
48. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.
49. Strengths: Impersonal skills.
50. Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.
51. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
52. Vocational plans: Sea World.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 29, 2008, 08:28:52 AM
[attachment=841:SAT_question.jpg]
Post by: Highmac on January 29, 2008, 12:01:00 PM
Post by: bil207 on January 29, 2008, 03:19:13 PM
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeaze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeaze, please please please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or, "We don't need no stinkin' light bulb."
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Doberman Pinscher - While you change the lightbulb, I'll just curl up in your spot on the couch.
Post by: dolphin on February 03, 2008, 11:59:48 AM
One day Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food.' So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Post by: bil207 on February 14, 2008, 05:16:44 PM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the
Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us. "The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do"
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair
of
dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said,
"Sorry
lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're all using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the
heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again
the bouncer said, "Sorry lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a
Chihuahua?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 25, 2008, 05:10:34 PM
[attachment=857:Language_Explained.jpg]
[attachment=858:Buy_Toy_play_w_box.jpg]
The last image couldn't be placed with the "Manage" button. Oh well...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 25, 2008, 05:18:31 PM
Who's desk is this, anyway?![attachment=860:Just_Enu...Keyboard.jpg]
Who had the audacity to use that flash camera?!!!
[attachment=861:how_U_th...sh_thing.jpg]
Post by: kimmer on February 25, 2008, 06:58:46 PM
QUOTE(bil207 @ Feb 14 2008, 03:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?"
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Feb 25 2008, 03:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
From my own (!) cats portfolio...
Who's desk is this, anyway?!
Who's desk is this, anyway?!
HAHAHA! I have pics like that of Sneakers and one of our former cats.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 28, 2008, 08:16:58 PM
A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys."
The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."
Post by: dolphin on February 29, 2008, 06:25:16 AM
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and....," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little pimplehead, what are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was deafening.
I just love senior citizens!!!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 03, 2008, 06:07:50 PM
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Post by: sandyman on March 05, 2008, 12:30:13 PM
This is for those of you who may have considered buying a Macbook Air. Now you can also have the Air Poo to go with it
Sandy
Post by: sandyman on March 07, 2008, 04:26:38 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Sandy
Post by: sandyman on March 08, 2008, 09:23:13 AM
at all. Just Brit humour (humor)An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Sandy
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 08, 2008, 11:58:37 AM
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother t aught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'
Post by: kimmer on March 12, 2008, 01:29:49 PM
"Two hundred seventy-four," he replied.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is one plus one?"
"Tuesday," replied the second man.
The doctor said to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's one plus one?"
"Two," said the third man.
"That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Post by: dolphin on March 14, 2008, 04:11:03 PM
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra .
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
Post by: krissel on March 15, 2008, 02:46:34 AM
QUOTE(dolphin @ Mar 14 2008, 05:11 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Works everytime!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 15, 2008, 02:55:34 PM
<What wuz dat noyz?>
<Burf Weak fyv>
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 15, 2008, 09:21:07 PM
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
-------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe', try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Post by: Highmac on March 17, 2008, 10:03:05 AM
“That's easy,” I stammered, “the living one.”
Post by: RHPConsult on March 21, 2008, 07:57:07 PM
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Post by: sandyman on March 22, 2008, 01:16:56 PM
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Sandy
Post by: Gregg on March 22, 2008, 02:15:17 PM
QUOTE(sandyman @ Mar 22 2008, 01:16 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Sandy
I like the ones that don't have to resort to trickery. Real words, real syntax...
Post by: Highmac on April 22, 2008, 02:18:05 PM
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZbGGuxNkkQ
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 28, 2008, 07:27:55 PM
More?
<AND using Keynote?!>
<Just for laughs!>
Post by: krissel on May 05, 2008, 05:12:25 AM
For those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Ladies, you may want to forward this on to men you know. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be looking out for this scam.
Post by: Gregg on May 05, 2008, 07:10:56 AM
Shucks! The Home Depot closest to our house is closing. Seriously.
Post by: RNKIII on May 05, 2008, 07:13:52 AM
I only got 'scammed' twice this weekend... the line of guys in their cars was so long that I couldn't get through any more!! Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Jack W on May 05, 2008, 10:31:24 AM
QUOTE(krissel @ May 5 2008, 06:12 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Do It Yourselfers - BEWARE OF THIS SCAM!
For those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Ladies, you may want to forward this on to men you know. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be looking out for this scam.
For those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Ladies, you may want to forward this on to men you know. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also March 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be looking out for this scam.
This guy's either a slow learner or a sex fiend!
Did he have stock in a wallet company???
- Jack
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 05, 2008, 02:18:35 PM
"How many hammers do you need, honey?"
Post by: Gregg on May 07, 2008, 07:19:15 AM
I've been there six times in the last three days, trying to be the bait to help catch these evil women. :uhhuh:
Butt, I haven't seen any.
I took my credit cards and driver's license out of my wallet. That way no one could prove I was, er, I mean, that way no one could steal my identity. You can't be too careful with these women on the prowl.
I hope they find me, er, we catch them before the store closes. Butt, they might be avoiding that store because it's getting out of the business, I mean going out of business.
Well, gotta run. Butt, I be sure to keep everyone abreast of the situation.
Edit:
This just in: Department Stores located near Home Depot and Loews home centers have reported a run on leather wallets. The price of leather worldwide has increased by more than 50% since the same time last month!
Post by: sandyman on May 20, 2008, 03:46:42 PM
1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments about the toilet seat - use the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
Sandy
Post by: RHPConsult on May 21, 2008, 10:03:15 AM
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and he took along a few pictures to show to them. Thehostess looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
Post by: Highmac on May 21, 2008, 11:23:50 AM
There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses never would scan
When asked why this was
He said "It's becauseI like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
AND
There was a young man from Peru
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Whose verses all stopped at line two.
This one works best when spoken - it's great to watch people either get it immediately or ponder awhile, waiting for the next line because they haven't been listening. Then you can see the light come on over their heads
Post by: Highmac on May 21, 2008, 11:31:43 AM
Which just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Post by: dolphin on May 24, 2008, 07:22:57 AM
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could g ive him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly
Post by: Gregg on June 03, 2008, 03:13:52 PM
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where
Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid *** against the railing, killing him instantly.
So, this probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of your friends who send you those heart-warming stories.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on June 04, 2008, 07:24:24 PM
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
Post by: Highmac on June 05, 2008, 01:54:05 AM
QUOTE
A simple explanation of cricket....
There are two sides, one out in the field the other one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.
There are two sides, one out in the field the other one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.
According to the experts at work, in cricket you can have a "winning draw" and a "losing draw"
However, don't ask me for any other explanations. My eyes glaze over when the game is mentioned.
My final question..... Who's on next?
Edit to add: Wikipedia "Although intended to be comical and being very difficult to understand, this is an entirely correct explanation of Cricket."
Post by: sandyman on June 05, 2008, 06:58:21 AM
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas Cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E; in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth...
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
Post by: LR827 on June 05, 2008, 12:11:38 PM
Post by: krissel on June 06, 2008, 01:16:13 AM
QUOTE(sandyman @ Jun 5 2008, 07:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Being British
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
Actually if you substitute America for Britain in all of those and 'British shows' it would also be true.
Post by: Gregg on June 06, 2008, 07:19:27 AM
QUOTE(krissel @ Jun 6 2008, 01:16 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Actually if you substitute America for Britain in all of those and 'British shows' it would also be true.
I was thinking the same thing, until I got to this:
QUOTE(sandyman @ Jun 5 2008, 06:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
NOT TO MENTION..
Good strategy!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 06, 2008, 05:46:27 PM
Most know what the ampersand means and I assume the "E" is for Emergency? But "A"...
Of course, over here, it would be Arts and Entertainment ( cable ) Network. Not much Art nor Entertainment, but what do you expect from American television? And our local cable company has even removed CSpan2 from the basic package! The "C" stands for CABLE for crying out loud! Why would a cable company remove a channel that they help pay for?! But it's not all bad, they replaced CSpan2 with another shopping channel. Now we can watch a completely different one every day of the week! I'm sure they are trying to help jump start the economy...Anywhere else call Christmas lights "fairy lights?"
Post by: sandyman on June 07, 2008, 12:18:47 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jun 6 2008, 11:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And "A&E" means...
Most know what the ampersand means and I assume the "E" is for Emergency? But "A"... Of course, over here, it would be Arts and Entertainment ( cable ) Network. Not much Art nor Entertainment, but what do you expect from American television? And our local cable company has even removed CSpan2 from the basic package! The "C" stands for CABLE for crying out loud! Why would a cable company remove a channel that they help pay for?! But it's not all bad, they replaced CSpan2 with another shopping channel. Now we can watch a completely different one every day of the week! I'm sure they are trying to help jump start the economy...
Anywhere else call Christmas lights "fairy lights?"
Most know what the ampersand means and I assume the "E" is for Emergency? But "A"...
Of course, over here, it would be Arts and Entertainment ( cable ) Network. Not much Art nor Entertainment, but what do you expect from American television? And our local cable company has even removed CSpan2 from the basic package! The "C" stands for CABLE for crying out loud! Why would a cable company remove a channel that they help pay for?! But it's not all bad, they replaced CSpan2 with another shopping channel. Now we can watch a completely different one every day of the week! I'm sure they are trying to help jump start the economy...Anywhere else call Christmas lights "fairy lights?"
Accident and Emergency
Sums up a lot of television over here though. In more ways than one
Sandy
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 07, 2008, 03:45:15 PM
BTW, would one say "I'm going to A&E," as you do when mentioning a hospital? As in "I'm going to hospital." On this side of the pond we usually insert "the" between "to" and "hospital." Rather a waste of energy, words and letters, I'll agree but I don't remember hearing you leave out a "the" when mentioning any other facility/store/place/area/building/etc.
Post by: Highmac on June 07, 2008, 05:21:10 PM
to A&E, also sometimes just called 'Casualty'. The 'the' varies in different areas. In Coventry, older people even talk about factories in terms of "He worked at the Triumph..." (car company), something I'd never heard anywhere else. We would 'go to hospital', but in Nuneaton people just say they're "going to the George Eliot" and leave out hospital because everybody knows it. Here endeth tonight's lesson - I'm off to bed now.
Say goodnight, Gracie.....
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 07, 2008, 06:18:08 PM
'Round these parts we say we're "goin' to thuh Walmart."
Maybe a lot of Coventry expats?
Many of our 'roots' go back to England and nearby countries to the North and West!
Post by: Gregg on June 09, 2008, 07:22:59 AM
So. to use the other example, we would most likely say "I'm going to Walmart" or "I'm going to "the store". "Which one?" would still be a likely response for the latter, and might also be asked if you say "the Walmart" since there is more than one around here.
Post by: Highmac on June 09, 2008, 11:59:53 AM
A DOG walks into a grocer's shop with a basket in its mouth. The shopkeeper spots there's a shopping list and some money inside the basket and fishes it out. He reads the list, places items on it into the basket along with the change and watches, awestruck, as the mutt leaves the shop, the heavy basket in his teeth.
This continues for weeks.
Finally, the shopkeeper decides to follow the dog. He watches as the dog trots up the driveway of a rundown property a mile away from the grocer's shop.
The pet places the basket gently on the ground and presses the doorbell with his nose.
A little old lady opens the door and begins striking the canine with a stick. "Stop! Stop!" shrieks the shopkeeper. "How could you do such a thing? That is the most intelligent dog I've ever seen."
"Intelligent, my arse!" shouts the old crone.
"That's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 10, 2008, 02:36:47 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on June 16, 2008, 09:21:56 PM
Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, The Redneck Rebel Gazette in Senatobia, Mississippi, reported the following:
After digging to a depth of 30 feet in a corn field near Strayhorn, Mississippi, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone wireless.
Post by: kimmer on June 16, 2008, 10:18:05 PM
QUOTE(Texas Mac Man @ Jun 16 2008, 07:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone wireless.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Post by: sandyman on June 23, 2008, 04:03:44 AM
A scroungy dirty lookin guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No chance. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up to the piano and starts playing Elton John songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly great on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing Michael Bolton numbers. He has a superb voice and great pitch. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $400 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the 400 bucks and hands the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you nuts???! You sold a singing frog for $400? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"
Sandy
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 26, 2008, 09:26:24 PM
Math/Language Challenge:
3 X 4 = 2 X 6
If N = 3 and E = 4
And L = 2 and y = 7
If J = J and U = U
Then J U N E ≠ J U L Y
If N = 3 and E = 4
And L = 2 and y = 7
If J = J and U = U
Then J U N E ≠ J U L Y
And how about these weird letter combinations?
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 19, 2008, 08:35:20 PM
Need more proof about who it is that really innovates? When you have somebody else doing your R & D and they come up with a winner, the logical thing to do is to copy them! See, I could be a CEO, too!
Do they have no one on the board who can tell the officers that it's not the building that people come to buy?!
A more delightful store will simply make the RS junque look even more shabby! Can you imagine any employee there ever being called a "Genius?"
Post by: Gregg on July 20, 2008, 11:56:56 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 19 2008, 08:35 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A more delightful store will simply make the RS junque look even more shabby! Can you imagine any employee there ever being called a "Genius?"
Yes, I can. My favorite Radio Shack has Mike. Every RS should have a Mike. Mike knows his stuff. Now, if you're talking Best Buy, that's a whole 'nother story.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 20, 2008, 09:43:48 PM
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
Eating a Little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe .
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Post by: krissel on July 20, 2008, 11:28:03 PM
QUOTE
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
What's a pay phone?
Post by: Highmac on July 21, 2008, 02:04:18 AM
Post by: Gregg on July 21, 2008, 07:00:37 AM
QUOTE(Texas Mac Man @ Jul 20 2008, 09:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Ha! I had my hand on my mouse until I got to the first line quoted above. I was using the scroll wheel. As soon as I could see that I had come to the end (all the triple spacing!), the hand came off.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 27, 2008, 07:25:32 PM
Dear Tech support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother- In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
(Maybe this should have been posted in the Tech forum)
Post by: krissel on July 27, 2008, 10:24:31 PM
Post by: Highmac on July 28, 2008, 07:18:43 AM
QUOTE
Scientists have found a food which reduces a woman's physical desire by 95 per cent.... it's called wedding cake
Post by: Gregg on July 28, 2008, 12:09:32 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 29, 2008, 05:23:53 PM
Post by: jwboyd on July 29, 2008, 08:33:05 PM
-- Radio was invented. Fans got to hear the Cubs lose.
-- Television was invented. Fans got to see the Cubs lose.
-- Baseball added fourteen new teams. Fans got to see the Cubs lose to more teams.
-- Halley's Comet passed Earth ... twice.
-- The NBA, NHL, and NFL were formed, and Chicago won the championship at least once in each of those sports.
-- Man landed on the moon. No truth to the rumor they found several home run balls given up by Cubs pitchers.
-- Sixteen U.S. Presidents were elected, some of them more than once. None were Cubs fans.
-- There were eleven amendments added to the U.S. Constitution. None of them helped the Cubs.
-- Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown. Several thanked Cubs pitchers.
-- Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were added to the United States, giving Cubs fans more places to watch their team lose.
-- The Titanic was built, sailed, sunk, found, and turned into a smashingly successful motion picture. This gave Cubs fans the hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
Post by: Gregg on July 30, 2008, 07:10:45 AM
QUOTE(jwboyd @ Jul 29 2008, 08:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
SINCE THE CUBS LAST WON THE WORLD SERIES...
-- Sixteen U.S. Presidents were elected, some of them more than once. None were Cubs fans.
-- Sixteen U.S. Presidents were elected, some of them more than once. None were Cubs fans.
Well, Reagan was born in Illinois, and lived within "earshot" (via that radio they invented) of Chicago. He even called games on the radio. I suspect he was a Cub fan, as the Sox were embroiled in a scandal about that time.
Having said that...
This is the year!!!
Living in Milwaukee, I get Cubs and Brewers on radio and TV. Last year's division race was just as exciting as it's been lately. Cubs fans have invaded Milwaukee once again this week. Lots of $$$ being spent here, but most importantly...
Cubs Win! Cubs Win!
Post by: Gregg on July 31, 2008, 07:21:14 PM
And oh by the way...
Cubs Win! Cubs Win!
Post by: krissel on August 03, 2008, 12:57:53 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 29 2008, 06:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If you're a Font Fanatic, you'll enjoy this video! But you'll have to listen closely!
Well done!
Post by: sandyman on August 03, 2008, 11:24:01 AM
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
Sandy
PS There are bound to be some "Smart Ass" replies so don't be shy
Post by: jwboyd on August 03, 2008, 02:29:59 PM
But who said humor has to be true??
http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.asp
Post by: sandyman on August 03, 2008, 02:33:15 PM
Idiot Sighting: The hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large enough" motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
Idiot Sighting: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
Idiot Sighting: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City!
(Editor's comment: anyone who thinks that they have "chefs" working at Taco Bells is -- yep -- an idiot.)
Idiot Sighting: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Alabama.
Idiot Sighting: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.
Idiot Sighting: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
Idiot Sighting: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know -- I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi.
I MUST remember to use the airport one when I go to France later this year
Sandy
Post by: Highmac on August 04, 2008, 01:54:54 AM
QUOTE(sandyman @ Aug 3 2008, 08:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I MUST remember to use the airport one when I go to France later this year
Sandy
Sandy
DO be VERY careful how you joke in any airport, Sandy - they can always have the last laugh with those surgical gloves.....
Post by: Highmac on August 04, 2008, 06:47:50 AM
Play guitar and harmonica at the same time, like Neil Young or Bob Dylan, and you'll be called a genius.
Try to add a rhythm section by strapping cymbals between your knees......
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 17, 2008, 03:47:41 PM
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head, lifts his eyes and head to the Heavens and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy: "Leroy, how is your hearing now?
"Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 17, 2008, 04:44:14 PM
'You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
31. You notice that there is not a number "5" in this list.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 17, 2008, 04:58:07 PM
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. [ed. I seriously doubt the credibility of that claim]
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Post by: Gregg on August 17, 2008, 08:06:35 PM
One of the most respected leaders of the congregation was at the lectern...
".... Now, please go to me in prayer."
silence, knowing glances and smiles exchanged in the "pews"
"...uh, go with me in prayer."
Cracked everybody up! We knew what he meant.
Post by: jwboyd on August 17, 2008, 08:24:10 PM
My father-in-law, a minister, prayed: "Lead us in plain plaths, we play ."
Post by: Highmac on August 18, 2008, 02:24:49 AM
Two samples.....
QUOTE
4. Don't mention the rain. When you're there, don't go on about the weather back home, especially if you live in Florida or California. It rains a lot in the UK. Don't remind the British that in other parts of the world there is such a thing as hot and sunny weather. It doesn't go down well.
5. Don't complain about the beer being warm. There is a reason for this. It's to let the drinker taste the flavour of the beer. Be warned: some British ales can be VERY strong. If a friendly local buys you a pint of beer and starts smirking at you, you can be guaranteed that within a few drinks you'll have your arm round him and be inviting him back to your home town for a vacation - no bad thing, if that's what you want.
5. Don't complain about the beer being warm. There is a reason for this. It's to let the drinker taste the flavour of the beer. Be warned: some British ales can be VERY strong. If a friendly local buys you a pint of beer and starts smirking at you, you can be guaranteed that within a few drinks you'll have your arm round him and be inviting him back to your home town for a vacation - no bad thing, if that's what you want.
Post by: kimmer on August 26, 2008, 01:38:10 PM
The owner of the store in the middle knew he had to act fast or he'd lose business. After careful consideration, he hung a larger sign over his front door that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 28, 2008, 09:45:09 AM
Deep in the back woods, of FLOYD County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Bad Day?
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Always have a tie!
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find a little
old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are
only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'
'OK,' said the old Jew, 'it does not matter that you don't want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If
you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely, Zagat-rated restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you
need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back..
'Your brother won't let me in without a tie !'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I mean what I say!
When I say I'm Broke -- I'M BROKE !!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!'
Said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well..
Let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity This morning.
Post by: kimmer on August 31, 2008, 08:39:45 PM
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A man sitting in a library reads the births and deaths statistics. After a few minutes he whispers to the person next to him: “Do you realise, every time I breathe in and out someone dies”. The other man replies: “Try a better mouthwash”.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A very old man in his nineties is coerced by a friend to buy a lottery ticket. As luck would have it his ticket wins many millions of pounds. His friend is very reluctant to tell the old man of his good fortune in case the shock gives him a heart attack and kills him.
He decides to ask the vicar to break the news gently to him. The vicar agrees, and on his next visit to the old man he broaches the subject carefully.
“Tell me my friend,” he starts “life can be somewhat unpredictable at times. What would you do for instance if by some chance you were to win millions of pounds on the lottery?”.
The old man thinks for a while and says: “Well vicar, I’ve had a long and happy life. At my age I don’t need millions of pounds … I have no family or close friends. If I won that much on the lottery I would give it all to you”.
The shock of hearing this gives the vicar a heart attack and he dies.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A guys wife got attacked by a wart hog. He called 911 and the dispatcher ask him what was his emergency. The man said that his wife was attacked by a wart hog and was hurt pretty bad, could they please send an ambulance right away.
The dispatcher asks him the name of the street.
The man said he was at 102 Eucalyptus street.
The dispatcher asks if he could spell the street name.
The man said, "Aw... I'll just drag her over to Oak street and you'll can pick her up there."
Post by: Highmac on September 01, 2008, 01:48:43 AM
Tell him I can't see him now.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together, man!
A man walks into a doctor's surgery and says he thinks he's a moth.
"That sound like a psychiatric condition - I'll send you on to a psychiatrist."
"I was on my way there when I saw your light was on....."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 01, 2008, 09:24:06 AM
QUOTE(Mashable.com)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 03, 2008, 10:35:31 AM
ps:Use of Blackmoor LET font encouraged!
Post by: kimmer on September 03, 2008, 01:28:25 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Sep 3 2008, 08:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
ps:Use of Blackmoor LET font encouraged!
So how did you find that charming (HAH!) font that is oh-so-easy on the eyes (and obviously needs to be bumped up in size for readability)? It's not in the font drop down list.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 03, 2008, 02:19:59 PM
[attachment=1043:Post_Image.jpg]
My question is that if you don't have Blackmoor LET installed, how can it show on your screen?!
I would not think the TS software is able to send that kind of 'info.' I assumed no one would see that font unless they already had it installed. More than likely, it came with Elements. Adobe seems to always install fonts they think everyone should have, whether they need them or not. And they usually put them in yet another Font Folder! I was just looking for a font that resembled the NYT logo. That was as close as I could get with what I had available. <Here's a link to get a copy>, don't be fooled by the FREEfonts.com domain.
The font runs around $30 - 40 retail.It is owned by International Type Corp., designed by David Quay. It's only $25.95 from them!
<http://www.itcfonts.com/fonts/font/pid/203754/Blackmoor/>
Post by: kimmer on September 03, 2008, 03:55:13 PM
You are correct, the font is installed in my system -- didn't know, I've never used it. Guess I never thought about typing a name of a font installed on my machine and letting it rip and see what happens when others try to view it. Am I making sense? Probably not. Don't worry. I know what I mean.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 04, 2008, 02:45:09 PM
I used to have a much larger collection but when I jumped to X I've been rather 'stuck in the mud' using whatever is already there...QUOTE
Am I making sense? ...Don't worry. I know what I mean.
Well, you've got ME beat!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 05, 2008, 09:31:07 AM
Where to live after Retirement
You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
Or You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
Or You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature'.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
Or You can Live in Minnesota or Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
Or You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
Or You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
Or Maybe You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'
AND LAST BUT NO LEAST, You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 08, 2008, 09:52:17 PM
'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.
'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 22, 2008, 03:48:40 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 29, 2008, 04:42:24 PM
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The short clairvoyant who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist & a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you a flat minor.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
AND; The man pried loose from a printing machine was depressed.
Post by: kimmer on September 29, 2008, 05:52:43 PM
QUOTE
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Post by: kbeartx on September 29, 2008, 06:42:09 PM
I've see quite a few of those beef-ore, but many were new to me.
My fave is the first one about the approaching baseball growing larger....
KB
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 04, 2008, 11:25:45 PM
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card ... and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
+ + + + + + + + + +
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right"
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow."
Post by: krissel on October 05, 2008, 02:51:40 AM
Post by: george on October 10, 2008, 04:07:12 AM
Q: What's the difference between a banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still put down a deposit on a BMW
Post by: kimmer on October 10, 2008, 12:35:37 PM
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Get Away!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."
Post by: weldiger on October 10, 2008, 03:47:19 PM
DUI in NC
From the county where driving while under the influence is considered a sport,
comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston, North Carolina. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his
keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall
into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left
the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on
and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a
couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved
the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles
left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had
consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to
ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment
must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated
decoy.'
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 10, 2008, 07:16:05 PM
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Post by: jwboyd on October 20, 2008, 05:40:02 PM
http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter
I agree with all of these except Stonehenge. We had already been in London for several days and were on our way to Bath and Stratford-Upon-Avon, at the beginning of a two-week road trip. Stonehenge was right on the way, and I thought it was awesome.
Post by: Highmac on October 21, 2008, 06:52:45 AM
QUOTE(jwboyd @ Oct 20 2008, 11:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here's something to add to Highmac's earlier post about Americans visiting the UK:
http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter
I agree with all of these except Stonehenge. We had already been in London for several days and were on our way to Bath and Stratford-Upon-Avon, at the beginning of a two-week road trip. Stonehenge was right on the way, and I thought it was awesome.
http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter
I agree with all of these except Stonehenge. We had already been in London for several days and were on our way to Bath and Stratford-Upon-Avon, at the beginning of a two-week road trip. Stonehenge was right on the way, and I thought it was awesome.
Thanks for a fascinating link..... Robert Burns wrote about having the "power to see ourselves as others see us", and that's probably as near as you can get to it!
I'm glad so many people found a warm welcome from the natives over here, but I must say we had an equally warm welcome on our two trips to the States - west side in May 2001 and east side two or three years later. People seemed genuinely delighted to meet a couple of 'Brits', and we often found ourselves shaking hands - not something people often do with strangers over here these days.
It produced an idea and I've started a new thread here.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 21, 2008, 03:06:54 PM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
(You're gonna LOVE this....)
The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Post by: Highmac on October 22, 2008, 07:30:30 AM
QUOTE(jwboyd @ Oct 20 2008, 11:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here's something to add to Highmac's earlier post about Americans visiting the UK:
http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter
http://current.newsweek.com/budgettravel/2...isrc=newsletter
From that link:
QUOTE
Lewis is pretty basic, but it is possible to rent a car [a beater, true, but I'd recommend it anyway -- Lewis would be a great place to practice your left-hand driving, since you only see another car about every 20 minutes!
From the context, it's obvious he's referring to a rather old car, presumably what over here would be called a 'heap' or a 'shed'. But where does 'beater' come from?
Post by: RNKIII on October 22, 2008, 08:50:58 AM
Been there, done that, have the insurance claims to prove it!!!
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Highmac on October 22, 2008, 11:22:19 AM
Post by: RHPConsult on October 23, 2008, 08:23:24 PM
Post by: Gregg on October 25, 2008, 10:21:36 AM
QUOTE(RHPConsult @ Oct 23 2008, 08:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Today I went into town to buy a new toaster – they gave me a bank.
I received one that's worse than that:
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
little cute jokes....
Sounds to me like she's been 'sweeping' around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: sandbox on November 07, 2008, 10:48:55 PM
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them
all, so they decided that 1 had to leave,
otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because,
as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her
husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping .
Post by: krissel on November 08, 2008, 02:23:41 AM
Post by: kimmer on November 19, 2008, 02:00:34 PM
Dear Sir or Madam:
One of my checks was returned and marked 'insufficient funds.'
In view of developments in the banking industry, I have a question: Does this refer to me or to the bank?
Please advise.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 21, 2008, 07:22:06 PM
<Posting and You...>
Post by: krissel on November 27, 2008, 03:09:25 AM
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
--------------
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 01, 2008, 02:48:40 PM
<TS Mapple>Do you think we should demand payments for using our copyrighted moniker?!
Post by: jwboyd on December 01, 2008, 04:43:53 PM
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
--Sharron Jones, quoted by Dave Aufrance in his Monday Fodder blog
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 06, 2008, 05:03:24 PM
The priest asks, “How long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never been to confession – I’m Jewish.”
“So why are you telling me?”
“Telling you?” the old man says, “I’m telling everybody.”
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 09, 2008, 01:41:48 PM
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Post by: kbeartx on December 11, 2008, 02:35:22 AM
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I 'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
KB
Post by: sandyman on December 16, 2008, 08:01:46 AM
Some of these are possibly known to you already
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Radiation cause interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to you, right then and there.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all police investigations. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
Most dogs are immortal.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
Kitchens don't have light switches.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
Sandy
Post by: kimmer on December 17, 2008, 03:05:15 AM
And then the fight started...
========
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 Seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=======
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=======
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
=======
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. ''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
=======
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road And slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
Post by: krissel on December 17, 2008, 03:18:22 AM
My favorite peeve:
QUOTE
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
Post by: Jack W on December 17, 2008, 11:32:43 AM
QUOTE(krissel @ Dec 17 2008, 04:18 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My favorite peeve:
QUOTE
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
While talking on your cell phone!
Post by: kimmer on December 17, 2008, 06:08:13 PM
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...
Hawk, lion, and stinker.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 17, 2008, 09:42:20 PM
Post by: sandyman on December 19, 2008, 07:11:27 AM
New Format for Music
OK, I know that there are USB Turntables, but it's still quite humorous
Sandy
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 19, 2008, 01:43:40 PM
They should be looking for ways to enhance their products and make people want to buy them! I heard one chap ask why the record company's and the movie studios get together and sell records, especially the 'sound track' kind inside the theater? Get the customers while their hot! Of course, they may also be broke after paying for the movie...
Post by: krissel on December 26, 2008, 01:38:16 AM
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "...the...balcony..."
Post by: Highmac on December 26, 2008, 02:54:50 AM
One says: "I'm going out with one half of a pair of twins"
His mate asks: "How do you know which is which?"
"Simple" replies the first one. "Her brother's got a beard..."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 03, 2009, 06:58:04 PM
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' Said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 07, 2009, 11:40:36 AM
1. The site is in Japan, thus very little of the text will be readable by many people. Fortunately, the "Start" and "Replay" links are in English. And so is the report of you brain age! Some might have wanted that otherwise...
2. The object of the game.
2.a. View a set of numbers (0 through 9) randomly placed in an on-screen box.
2.b. You will have only a short period of time to view and 'memorize' them.
2.c. Next, the digits will be replaced by empty circles in exactly the same positions of the digits.
2.d. Your task is to click the circles, in the correct order of the previously seen numbers, from smallest to largest.
3. The number of digits in the box will start at three, probably, and increase as the test continues.
Don't expect to be able to remember the sequence for all the screens, especially as the number of digits increase. I don't think the time to see the digits decreases with each level or the number of digits, but it will probably seem that way!
Note that any of the ten digits may be presented at each showing but never more than one of each digit. The only time all ten would be visible would be when, by some stroke of The first time I played, I didn't even remember the instructions and clicked the circles in the reverse order. Obviously, completely failing those three screens!
[attachment=1168:Test__1.jpg][attachment=1169:Test__2.jpg]
I'm not sure how the final score is computed but I suspect it takes into account both the number of correct answers, the number of digits shown and the time you take to complete the test. Also, be aware, of course, that a brains age is no indication of the wisdom (if any) within it!
Here's the site: <F l a s h . . F a b r i c a>
Good luck!
Post by: sandbox on January 19, 2009, 06:50:51 PM
The George W. Bush Library
Dear Fellow Constituent:
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning
stages and accepting donations. The Library will include:
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first visit, they make
you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican senators.
The Decision Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
And don't miss the Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous quotes by George W. Bush:
'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
'We have the best educated American people in the world.'
'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
Sincerely,
G.W. Bush Library Board of Director
Post by: Sylvi2909 on January 20, 2009, 05:51:59 PM
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends homes,
Baseball games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damn old!!
You pass this way only once so enjoy it while you can;
Live A Lot,
Laugh A Lot and
Love A Lot!
Post by: jwboyd on January 20, 2009, 07:19:11 PM
Where none of the women can get pregnant,
and all the men look like they are!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 21, 2009, 07:51:00 PM
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on wa s a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stopped Fishing
One Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking...but I've stopped fishing.
Post by: Highmac on January 23, 2009, 12:13:50 PM
None - they never get the house.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they've banned the Flintstones in Dubai ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's because they don't understand it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But the people from Abu Dhabi do..!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 23, 2009, 04:32:52 PM
Post by: sandbox on January 25, 2009, 02:25:20 AM
Post by: Paddy on January 25, 2009, 09:29:23 AM
Post by: Paddy on January 25, 2009, 09:39:48 AM
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
Post by: Paddy on January 25, 2009, 09:48:25 AM
An enthusiastic but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was waiting to see the purchasing agent of an engineering firm. The salesman was there to submit his company's bid, or price quote, for a particular job. He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on the purchasing agent's desk. Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a juice can. The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, and the salesman reached over and lifted the can. His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB pellets pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.
Post by: Paddy on January 25, 2009, 10:10:06 AM
Post by: chriskleeman on January 25, 2009, 10:13:42 AM
On the first day, God
created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this,
I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog
said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God
agreed.
On the second day, God created
the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks,
and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span."
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty
years? That's a pretty long time to perform How about I give
you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and
said:
'You
must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of
sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough
life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and
I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed
again.
On
the fourth day, God created man and
said:
'
Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll
give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty
years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow
gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the
dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said
God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first
twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the
next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front
porch and bark at everyone.
Life
has now been explained to you.
Post by: Paddy on January 25, 2009, 10:21:38 AM
The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.
Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.
Post by: chriskleeman on January 25, 2009, 10:32:56 AM
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven, ' says St. Peter. ' Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. '
'No problem, just let me in, ' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. '
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,'says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules. '
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
E veryone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven. '
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. '
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,'stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today you voted!!!'
Post by: chriskleeman on January 25, 2009, 10:45:02 AM
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Post by: Highmac on January 25, 2009, 11:21:21 AM
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Hyde Park and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the car fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into yours.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife. XX
PS: Your girlfriend phoned.
Post by: Highmac on January 25, 2009, 11:28:43 AM
The next in was the Redhead. "How many D's are there in Bonanza?" to which the Redhead replied "None, of course!" so she went through to the next round too.
Last to be interviewed was the Blonde. After being asked the same question she didn't say anything at first. On being prompted she replied "I haven't finished yet... can I have another moment?" `After a few more minutes had passed she was asked again "How many 'D's' in Bonanza?
Again she asked for more time. The boss asked her again a few minutes later "How many D's are there in Bonanza?"
To which she proudly replied "Seventy five!"
"How many?" asked the boss, "How do you get to that number?"
To which she replied "Dun der der dun der dee dun dunnnnn... "
Post by: Highmac on January 25, 2009, 11:37:14 AM
angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the
idea and try e mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or
Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
(I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just
off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire
building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how
the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time
soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a
saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy
pills.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms
and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so
far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath
night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a
Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This
will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen
actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
???????
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you
have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community
Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen
you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and
infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the
moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand
basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by
MI5 to look for Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian
without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman
to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to
these twats that they might want to play their strange football game
elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within
spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being
the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact
!!!
Post by: Highmac on January 27, 2009, 05:18:47 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 27, 2009, 03:52:43 PM
Post by: RHPConsult on February 06, 2009, 02:56:10 AM
She asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens. The bride said, "No, keep all that." She just wanted to change the name of the groom.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 06, 2009, 07:04:23 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 07, 2009, 01:07:51 PM
Mr. Balmer provides a graphic demonstration of what the Windows "experience" is like. Observe the image at this page. It is a single frame of a movie that shows where his fist lands on his head...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 09, 2009, 06:51:55 PM
Here's an answer to a question here at TS a while ago.
For those who understand the whole LOL cat "thing.
Post by: kimmer on March 09, 2009, 09:24:03 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Mar 9 2009, 03:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Poor kitty!
Post by: kimmer on March 10, 2009, 03:51:32 PM
..................................................................
..................................................................
bag of peanuts.
The bartender nods and asks, [rimshot] "Why the big pause?"
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 11, 2009, 07:52:15 PM
Post by: RNKIII on March 16, 2009, 08:56:55 AM
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something
for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl(in formaldehyde)
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not
screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from
Tijuana.
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Highmac on March 30, 2009, 03:30:43 AM
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn’t reach any conclusion. GB Shaw
Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s - movement and positioning. Ron Atkinson (an English football manager)
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln
The Republic-of-China - back in the Olympic Games for the first time. David Coleman (an English sports commentator)
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget butler. WC Fields
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Robin Williams
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 02, 2009, 11:55:44 AM
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 13, 2009, 03:35:32 PM
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the EASTER BUNNY, and he is DEAD!!
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel TERRIBLE!" he explains, "I accidentally hit the EASTER BUNNY with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead EASTER BUNNY, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The EASTER BUNNY jumps up waves its paw at them and hops down the road.
Ten feet away he stops turns around & waves again. He hops down the road another 10feet, turns & waves, and repeats this again & again & again & again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is ASTONISHED!! He runs over to the woman and DEMANDS, "What is IN that can? What did you spray on the EASTER BUNNY?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.."Hair Spray" …RESTORES LIFE to DEAD HAIR, & adds 'permanent' wave."
Post by: krissel on April 15, 2009, 03:25:03 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 16, 2009, 09:43:28 PM
QUOTE
I lately lost a preposition:
It hid, I thought, beneath my chair.
And angrily I cried: "Perdition!
Up from out of in under there!"
Correctness is my vade mecum,
And straggling phrases I abhor;
And yet I wondered: "What should he come
Up from out of in under for?"
BTW, not being a Latin (nor any other kind of) scholar, I had to look up the "vade mecum" reference. It hid, I thought, beneath my chair.
And angrily I cried: "Perdition!
Up from out of in under there!"
Correctness is my vade mecum,
And straggling phrases I abhor;
And yet I wondered: "What should he come
Up from out of in under for?"
"Handbook" comes pretty close. 
But it doesn't have enough syllables...and doesn't rhyme as well with "come," I guess... 
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 03, 2009, 04:00:31 PM
Post by: krissel on May 04, 2009, 01:01:21 AM
Post by: Highmac on June 04, 2009, 01:33:51 PM
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8082995.stm
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 04, 2009, 09:08:52 PM
Post by: gunug on June 05, 2009, 12:56:27 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Cent_Beer_Night
This happened 35 years ago yesterday!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 09, 2009, 02:50:02 PM
:yawn:Post by: jwboyd on June 09, 2009, 03:02:41 PM
Is that a euphemism for what most of us would like to do to Windows?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 09, 2009, 03:27:44 PM
Post by: kimmer on June 09, 2009, 04:23:17 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jun 9 2009, 11:50 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
See what Windows 7 can do? Well, we can't actually show you ....
Guess not. The thing doesn't even play for me in FF, and to see the opening scene I have to scroll the browser window up and then all I see is the bottom portion of where the vid would be. Some kind of win only thing? Oh yeah, great way to advertise. I guess "I'm a PC" doubled is still zero.
Post by: jwboyd on June 09, 2009, 08:18:54 PM
You may remove this post, and my previous one, now that no one knows what we're talking about.
Joe
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 09, 2009, 09:38:19 PM
Nor do I know much about bowling, so I missed the 'gutter humor.'
Post by: kimmer on June 09, 2009, 11:15:45 PM
QUOTE(jwboyd @ Jun 9 2009, 05:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Just a little gutter humor, Jim!
You may remove this post, and my previous one, now that no one knows what we're talking about.
Joe
You may remove this post, and my previous one, now that no one knows what we're talking about.
Joe
I like this humerus twist and removing it would brake the strange converstation flow.
Post by: chriskleeman on June 10, 2009, 09:50:48 AM
Chris
Post by: jwboyd on June 10, 2009, 11:27:57 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 10, 2009, 01:38:11 PM
QUOTE
I like this humerus twist and removing it would brake the strange converstation flow
Where are the Pun, Spelling and Grammar Police when you need them?! 
Post by: krissel on June 11, 2009, 12:28:02 AM
Good one, Kimmer.
Post by: Highmac on June 11, 2009, 12:36:41 AM
I just went from bard to verse.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 03, 2009, 04:02:17 PM
Humility is never wasted!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 03, 2009, 04:09:34 PM
Post by: Highmac on July 03, 2009, 04:21:43 PM
Post by: kimmer on July 03, 2009, 05:15:11 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 3 2009, 01:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Don't want to see it, either!
Post by: krissel on July 04, 2009, 01:51:52 AM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-MGx-3t8CJ-k/vcr_hack/
Post by: Highmac on July 04, 2009, 05:27:40 AM
Post by: Highmac on July 04, 2009, 05:39:15 AM
QUOTE(RNKIII @ Mar 16 2009, 02:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Bob K. rnkiii
Bob K. rnkiii
One of our digital services, UKTV History, changed its name to "Yesterday". It operates only in daytime, so when it closes down the screen reads: "Yesterday will be back tomorrow"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 04, 2009, 08:21:10 AM
So, while I still have 'today,' I'm off to the store for a big bag of marshmellows!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 06, 2009, 11:14:55 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 06, 2009, 11:45:58 AM
I just feel so honored to live in a town that is so concerned for my visual enjoyment. The fact that the dirt pile cannot be seen unless one drives to the back of the property seems to be stretching this concern for satisfying visual experience just a little, is irrelevant, of course, to our diligent, hard-working city employees and the superlative legal support staff. I, of course, feel responsible for this visual distraction and have taken steps to rectify it as soon as possible. When completed, our church will have the prettiest dirt pile in the city!
Post by: jwboyd on July 14, 2009, 01:04:51 PM
Can you post "before" and "after" pictures of your dirt pile?
Joe
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 16, 2009, 01:47:24 PM
Post by: Highmac on July 18, 2009, 02:59:34 AM
Post by: krissel on July 18, 2009, 04:54:25 AM
Just a few more of these and we might have a balanced budget.
Post by: Highmac on July 24, 2009, 02:27:15 PM
He shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
So Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F#minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A Flat major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord!!!".
Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
Post by: Highmac on July 24, 2009, 03:35:34 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 28, 2009, 07:48:44 PM
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Post by: kbeartx on September 06, 2009, 07:24:26 PM
A month later a cow showed up at his ranch house carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe it. He raised the book heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
The cow replied, "Not really. You wrote your name inside the front cover..."
Kb
Post by: RNKIII on September 07, 2009, 04:46:49 PM
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: sandbox on September 07, 2009, 07:49:26 PM
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 20, 2009, 12:15:55 PM
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!
Post by: kimmer on September 25, 2009, 05:41:37 PM
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic!
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
.
.
.
.
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 28, 2009, 10:42:06 AM
The story:
Several months ago, our church leaders planned a marriage enrichment seminar for this past weekend (26th and 27th). The seminar would begin on Saturday afternoon, include dinner, and end with an evening session. The seminar was really good. The information was presented with Power Point, dinner table discussion topics, and other group participation methods, and was well attended with at least 100 participants from young to old.
Joe and I had been at church since 1:00 that afternoon assisting with the set up for dinner and food prep, and had helped with serving, so we were pooped by the time the evening session started. About 7:30, they gave us a short break, so we headed to the refreshment table for water to keep us awake. About half way through, there was something I needed under my chair (who knows what). Putting my water glass between my legs, I leaned forward to pick up my purse. Well, you know what happened. My full large cup of water and ice went down both legs, into my shoes, and all over the floor. Managing not to scream, I kicked off both shoes in a nano-second and sent Joe for paper towels. Now, this was right in the middle of a serious session on marriage. And here Joe and I were, trying to wipe up a quart of water and ice around tightly packed chairs without creating a scene. Of course Joe and I were laughing, as was everyone immediately around us. My pants and shoes were soaked…and very cold, I might add. We had used half of a roll of paper towels by then and just about the time we had most of it cleaned up…...you won’t believe this….Joe spilled his cup of water! Well, if that didn’t beat all! If anyone didn’t see the first spill, they certainly saw the second one. So, we started all over again and used the other half of the roll of paper towels. The speaker had talked about empathy with your spouse earlier, so Joe leaned over and said, I just did that so you wouldn’t feel so bad. Sure, you did!!!
Talk about disrupting class! After the session was over, some young couple came up to us and said, “We enjoyed your water show!” We had never seen those people before in our lives! How embarrassing was that? Hope that is not the only thing they remember about the seminar! So what did I take away from the seminar? The family that spills together stays together!
Baptizing my shoes,
Liz
Post by: Highmac on September 30, 2009, 01:10:45 AM
Some great examples of exam answers from the most clueless - and inventive - of students. Some are very nearly right ("What happens to your body when taking a breath? Your chest gets bigger"), but some are very wrong indeed (Is the moon or the sun more important? The moon gives us sight at night when we need it. The sun only provides light in the day when we don't. Therefore the moon is more important). Laugh...and weep for the state of education!
1) _Classical Studies_
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin
2) _Biology_
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie
3) _General Studies_
Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.
Answer: How much TV do you watch?
4) _Classical Studies_
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones
5) _Biology_
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death
6) _Geography_
Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain
7) _Biology_
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television
8) _English_
Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.
9) _Geography_
Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
Answer: Homeless
10) _Religious Studies_
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony
11) _Biology_
Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit
12) _Physics_
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels
Answer: Fire
13) _Geography_
Question: Define the term "intensive farming".
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.
14) _Maths_
Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal
Answer: 7.8
15) _Geography_
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar
16) _General Studies_
Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation
17) _History_
Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?
Answer: Children
18) _Business Studies_
Question: Explain the word "wholesaler".
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - eg, a whole cake
19) _Geography_
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria
20) _Geography_
Question:What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?
Answer: The Sewage Canal
21) _Geography_
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse
22) _Maths_
Question: Expand 2 (x + y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )
23) _Business Studies_
Question: Assess Fashion House plc's choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very fashionable.
24) _History_
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
25) _History_
Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.
---------------------------
Someone questioning whether these are genuine points out that: "A person who was not sure of the meaning of the word 'lava' despite the context of the question would NEVER correctly spell 'pre-pubescent caterpillar' AND get it gramatically correct."
Post by: krissel on September 30, 2009, 05:38:19 AM
I tried to get them to think of things that would include a lot of activity.
One of the suggestions was to depict a "Fair". In attempting to get the kids to offer ideas for what could be included in such a picture I asked, "What is a Fair?"
A hand shot up in the back of the room.
"Yes?", I said.
The child blurted out, "I'm not really sure but my Mom's having one with the man who lives next door."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 30, 2009, 07:44:48 PM
Had lunch a few Sundays ago with a lady who helps with a group of very young children. The Pastor's wife was leading the group asking for help in drawing Man's departure from Eden. She asked the kids to name some sins. The expected list was coming fast and furious; lying, cheating, hitting, being mean to sister, sticking your tongue out, etc. Obviously, the children didn't really have a concept of "sin" in the Christian sense, but they knew it was something bad. The point of the exercise was for the Pastor's wife to write the sin and draw something depicting it on the white board. Thinking she had just about enough options, a little boy raised his hand. "OK, one more." Three words she soon grew to wish she'd never uttered!
"Calling someone a S.O.B.!" And, he didn't need to abbreviate it, he knew all the words!
Post by: krissel on October 01, 2009, 12:59:43 AM
What did she draw?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 01, 2009, 03:53:40 PM
Nor was this the first time there had been some rather pointed, obviously parent-sourced comments made. If only the parents knew what their children were saying! It's no wonder our ancestors thought children should be seen, not heard!
Post by: RNKIII on October 01, 2009, 03:57:40 PM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 08, 2009, 07:43:40 AM
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
-------------------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 08, 2009, 10:50:34 AM
So, why do you feel the advice was bad?!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 13, 2009, 05:58:33 PM
Heard this on Morning Edition this morning, almost missed it, but you can now also hear it. I plan on looking for this place next time I'm in Chicago!
<Prison Puns Annoy Neighbors Of 'Felony Franks'>
With ex-convicts as staff, he offers "misdemeanor weiners" and "probation burgers." Their slogan: "Food so good it's criminal."
With ex-convicts as staff, he offers "misdemeanor weiners" and "probation burgers." Their slogan: "Food so good it's criminal."
Post by: kimmer on October 13, 2009, 08:30:00 PM
"Waste not, want not," he says as he puts them in the sack with the finches.
Later, at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lion's cage.
"Oh, heck!", roars one lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"
Post by: gunug on October 14, 2009, 10:40:37 AM
http://xkcd.com/649/
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 20, 2009, 09:10:15 AM
Anyway, it bares repeeting!QUOTE
Hope this helps someone today!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
Done my part!!!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
Done my part!!!
Post by: Highmac on November 09, 2009, 05:41:37 AM
Don't worry too much about the foreign dialogue since the principle is pretty clear.
However, the plug-in doesn't work on UK computers since it's a French connection.....
Post by: krissel on November 10, 2009, 04:16:29 AM
That product is hysterical!
Reminds me of the banking commercial over here that has a "Viking" cramming money into the optical drive on his laptop and "sending" it over the internet. I love the warning at the end of that video about abusing alcohol being bad for your health.
Be sure to click through to the page showing the three colors available. Click on them and you get a message that bothers to explain that it is really just for your amusement. Well, duh.
Post by: Highmac on November 10, 2009, 10:46:17 AM
Don't know why the customer was surprised. He works as a clairvoyant. But is he any good, I wonder.
Also, if you go in to cash a cheque, do they give you a cheque?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 11, 2009, 01:06:34 PM
Is that word derived from French?!
Post by: jchuzi on November 11, 2009, 02:27:08 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Nov 10 2009, 11:46 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Don't know why the customer was surprised. He works as a clairvoyant. But is he any good, I wonder.
Also, if you go in to cash a cheque, do they give you a cheque?
Clairvoyant? James Randi (aka The Amazing Randi) met a self-styled psychic at a party. That person asked Randi, "Would you like me to read your mind?" Randi replied, "If you have to ask, don't bother."Also, if you go in to cash a cheque, do they give you a cheque?
A dwarf from Czechoslovakia was running from the police and he looked for asylum in someone's house. He asked (brace yourself), "Can you cache a small Czech?"
Post by: Highmac on November 11, 2009, 03:07:53 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 23, 2009, 04:30:02 PM
Post by: Highmac on November 24, 2009, 03:20:03 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Nov 23 2009, 10:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I thought of our 'cousins' 'across the water' when I heard this <interview> this morning of the British Ambassador to the USofA.
Thanks Jim Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 02, 2009, 12:28:26 PM
It seems there were a couple of Lepidoptera experts from the late Eastern Communists countries of Poland and Czechoslovakia. Now, some of you may doubt the veracity of this story, but you can check the reports in the <Lepidopterist Society> publications.
Anyway, these two scientists had studied virtually every species of butterfly in their respective countries (and several others) but they sincerely wanted to study one species of Lepidoptera found only in Yellowstone National Park. Unfortunately, 20 years ago, it was difficult to get approval from their governments, at least from both at the same time. Usually the Polish scientist would get travel approval and the Czech wouldn't. Or, the Czech would and the other one wouldn't. This went on for over ten years, until, finally, both the Polish and Czech governments agreed to allow both scientists to travel to the USA at the same time.
To make a long story short, the extremely happy (and obviously patient!) scientists, made their way to Yellowstone. They immediately contacted the Park Headquarters and explained their mission.
To their utter dismay, the officials stated, in no uncertain terms, that a study just after the Winter thaw would be unacceptable due to the extremely hungry and dangerous Grizzly bears coming out of hibernation! The Czech complained that it had taken over ten years to arrange this trip and that they must return to their countries within two weeks! The park rangers refused to allow them to enter the wilds alone and they just didn't have the personnel to spare to accompany and protect them. Still, the Czech begged, pleaded, complained, and harassed the rangers until they finally got permission to enter the park! But they were given a cell phone and told to report three times a day (morning, noon and evening) so the rangers would know they were still OK.
Gratefully, the Pole and Czech set out the very next morning to begin they study of the unique butterfly of Yellowstone National Park. They made a camp near the species nesting/over-Wintering site and expectantly awaited their exit from dormancy. Of course, they faithfully called back to park headquarters three times a day, usually the Czech made the calls as he had better English.
About five days after the scientists left for their study, they failed to call one morning. Concerned as they were, the rangers decided to wait for the noon checkin. When they again failed to hear from the Czech, they decided it was time to find out what had happened!
Within two hours, the rangers had found the camp of the two scientists, but they were frightened to find it covered with torn tents, scattered equipment and, worst of all, blood! The rangers instinctively knew what had happened and began a search for a Grizzly! Before they could even leave the camp of the Pole and the Czech, however, they were greeted by two snarling, horrendous, and angry bears! Their only choice was to shoot and kill both Grizzlies.
The first one they got to still had blood around its mouth and the rangers felt sure that these two bears were the villains, or at least this one was, especially since it was a female and probably had cubs to feed. To be completely positive, they cut the female's stomach open. Sadly, there was the body parts of the Polish guy, as well as the cell phone (still in working order, amazingly!). Of course, this could mean only one thing....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...the Czech was in the Male.
Wishing I could take credit for this, I actually heard this story, not from the Lepidopterists but from <Click and Clack, the Car Guys> last Saturday morning.
Post by: kbeartx on December 04, 2009, 01:15:39 PM
QUOTE
...the Czech was in the Male.
While I am a big fan of Car Talk, and this version is a good retelling of the joke, it's been around for many years.....
Kb
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 06, 2009, 03:42:18 PM
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Damn, man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday."
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
So, Here I am .
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 06, 2009, 04:24:48 PM
My theory is: The shorter the punch line, the longer the story should be. Truth be told, the majority of stories have a "history." This is but one of many that rely on a commonly heard phrase (often one that has been said by he listener) but in a completely different situation than normal.
The best thing about this story/joke is that one can remember the general story easily but create as much extra 'information' (the more distracting the better) and details as one has time to fill! And the punch line is so simple and easily recognized that 99% of the audience will get it! Although, in a telling of it last night, one lady so a little angry that I would tell such a painfully graphic story of two poor scientists...I really think she thought I was telling a true story!
I started it by relating that I had seen the story on one of the local TV stations. I called it one of those "filler" stories the networks feed to stations to use when the local news is a little slow one day. No reason to try to say the story is current, you know...it depends too much on the inability of these two fellows getting permission to travel together in the same year. Communist 'governmental' sluggishness, ineptitude, etc. I think it's best used in a smaller number of people, some people won't have the patience to listen to a long story line. Or maybe a poor story teller? Personally, one of the most rewarding things I do is to make people smile, laughing out loud is even better!
Post by: kimmer on December 06, 2009, 10:44:33 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 6 2009, 02:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Personally, one of the most rewarding things I do is to make people smile, laughing out loud is even better!
Smile is good; but let's watch the "laugh out loud" stuff. It hurts too bad right now.
Post by: Highmac on December 07, 2009, 01:09:30 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 08, 2009, 06:48:05 PM
QUOTE
but let's watch the "laugh out loud" stuff
Well, I also try not to make anyone do that while they are drinking milk...
Post by: Highmac on December 09, 2009, 12:51:10 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 9 2009, 12:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE
but let's watch the "laugh out loud" stuff
Well, I also try not to make anyone do that while they are drinking milk...It's quite funny as long as it doesn't come down their nose on to YOUR carpet.....
Post by: jwboyd on December 16, 2009, 07:21:45 PM
I was replying to an e-mail from a high school classmate, and was telling her I didn't get to sing in our Christmas Cantata this year because I'm just getting over my annual "flu-bronchitis-etc." I had to laugh when the spell check came up as "flibbertigibbet." I didn't even know that word was in the dictionary!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 17, 2009, 10:06:45 PM
Post by: RNKIII on December 17, 2009, 10:12:35 PM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: sandbox on January 26, 2010, 10:39:21 AM
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen
restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts
and they can smoke without getting hassled.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is
very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there
in peace and quiet
and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon
that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is
wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they
discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that
they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because that would be a great
idea since they have never been there before..
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 26, 2010, 11:46:38 AM
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
Now, guess what OS she was using?
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 28, 2010, 06:00:51 PM
http://www.thelaughtermovie.com/miami/
Post by: Highmac on February 23, 2010, 01:14:55 PM
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Post by: Johanbgoot on February 24, 2010, 11:10:49 AM
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion..
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done..
Post by: RHPConsult on March 03, 2010, 08:57:18 AM
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 03, 2010, 10:20:19 AM
Post by: jchuzi on March 06, 2010, 08:14:17 AM
An 85-year-old man was hard of hearing and his family urged him to get a hearing aid. After much thought, he made an appointment with a doctor and received the hearing aid. At a follow-up appointment, the doctor asked, "How do your children like the hearing aid"? He replied, "I haven't told them". When asked why he hadn't told them, he said, "I sit around listening to my kids talk about me and I've already changed my will three times".
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 09, 2010, 08:42:26 AM
Another persons take: <The Brads - a comic about web design>
Post by: RHPConsult on March 10, 2010, 02:34:25 AM
Posted @ George's request . . .
These ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
These ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
_____________
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk.... Sorry...
_____________
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
_____________
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello.... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
_________
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print.. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
_____________
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
_____________
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
_____________
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK!
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... That one does work.
_____________
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
_____________
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
_____________
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
_____________
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
_____________
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
_____________
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle
next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
_____________
And last, but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Post by: kimmer on March 10, 2010, 10:42:26 AM
Post by: RHPConsult on March 10, 2010, 12:34:26 PM
He iSighted me just after midnight (PST) last night, after not being able to hang a URL. So I told him I'd be happy to post, so he could get about his day and I could begin my night!
Post by: kimmer on March 10, 2010, 08:24:24 PM
QUOTE(RHPConsult @ Mar 10 2010, 10:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Credit, George.
Okay. Priceless, George, priceless.
Kim - who has never iSighted anyone in her life
Post by: krissel on March 11, 2010, 12:41:59 AM
QUOTE
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
Post by: RHPConsult on March 11, 2010, 08:59:45 AM
QUOTE
Kim - who has never iSighted anyone in her life
Just Do It!
Organizational Note: Members of the Senior Caucus of TechSurvisors.net (UK; USA - Eastern, Midwestern, Western and Pacific Divisions) do it, Oh!, weekly . . . at least.
Post by: george on March 11, 2010, 09:26:39 AM
and the band played "Believe it if you like"
George
Post by: Highmac on March 17, 2010, 04:04:20 AM
Lots more Apple cartoons here
Post by: kimmer on March 17, 2010, 12:32:16 PM
Post by: jchuzi on March 18, 2010, 05:17:50 PM
"I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard in college, got into medical school and become 'Fred Johnson, MD'. After practicing medicine for several years, I became bored so I went to dental school. Then, I was 'Fred Johnson, MD, DDS'. I also had a girlfriend who gave me an unwanted present, so I became 'Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, VD'.
"The ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS. That left me as 'Fred Johnson, MD, VD'. Unfortunately, the ADA told the AMA and the AMA took away my MD, making me 'Fred Johnson, VD'. My personal MD managed to take away the VD but before that happened, the VD took away my Johnson. So now, I'm just plain 'Fred'."
Post by: george on March 18, 2010, 06:00:04 PM
George
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 18, 2010, 10:36:35 PM
Ouch, and pass out the cigars! Note to Admins: Please announce
we have reached a new low for
"jokes!" Can we now start a climb
to that far distant higher level of
humor we once saw?!
Maybe I can help...Why did the chicken cross the river? No, wait, uhmm...What did the blonde say to the chicken...no, that's not it...wait, it's on the tip of my brain, or...
Did I mention I had a stroke last week? No lingering side effects, thankfully. Now, where was !? Oh yeah, Why did the old Norwegian farmer leave Minnesota for North Dakota?
BTW, no lingering side effects from that stroke...none at all...If I cross my wife, what do I get? No side effects at all...
Well, lets' see if this will help:<The Auto Accessory Everyone Should Have!>
Post by: jchuzi on March 19, 2010, 06:11:34 AM
A limerick gets laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 19, 2010, 06:29:54 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 19, 2010, 08:30:24 PM
Post by: Highmac on March 20, 2010, 06:02:10 AM
There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses never would scan.
When asked why this was
He said "It's because
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"I like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can....."
Post by: jchuzi on March 20, 2010, 08:24:01 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Mar 19 2010, 07:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Nice try, Jon, but don't give up your "day job!"
Being retired is my day job. When people ask me what I do all day, I reply "Nothing, and it takes me all day to do it."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 20, 2010, 10:22:48 AM
Seems like everyone thinks you have time to do stuff for them since you don't have a clock to punch! Actually, I'm extremely happy not having to punch anything! QUOTE
There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses never would scan.
Whose verses never would scan.
Neil, maybe that guy's poetry was being 'scanned' in the wrong direction? Left to right instead of vice versa!
Post by: jchuzi on March 20, 2010, 11:32:00 AM
Post by: Highmac on March 20, 2010, 11:52:25 AM
Post by: RHPConsult on March 20, 2010, 09:10:46 PM
Let's see if this one gets past the Airbusdriver Screening:
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...”YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stood there and stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don't know - I thought you were watching!?”
MORAL OF THE STORY -
- Not all Irish are drunks…
- Not all blondes are dumb...
- But, all men are . . . men!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 20, 2010, 09:46:49 PM
- Got a war to win?
- There's an <app for that>!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 23, 2010, 07:23:33 PM
Well, the picture at <this site> shows what could happen to anyone acting like a smart a** around there!
Post by: RHPConsult on March 23, 2010, 07:31:10 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 23, 2010, 08:47:03 PM
I think that guy may even be an unauthorized alienfrom some other planet!
Why is wearing that mask?! From whom is he hiding? It's all a conspiracy, I tell you!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 26, 2010, 02:09:43 PM
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Post by: RHPConsult on March 26, 2010, 03:36:31 PM
Bravo, Tom!!!!!
Post by: krissel on March 31, 2010, 09:57:27 PM
QUOTE
Demetri Skalkos, co-owner of McNamara's liquor store, said about 3 feet of water stood in the basement. He said he was worried about losing business over the traditionally busy Easter period.
"This is the Holy Week," he said. "If we don't do business now, when are we going to do business?"
"This is the Holy Week," he said. "If we don't do business now, when are we going to do business?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 01, 2010, 09:51:00 PM
And now, since you brought up the subject of water: <For all you fishermen out there>
Post by: kimmer on April 01, 2010, 11:10:13 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Apr 1 2010, 06:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Priceless.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 02, 2010, 10:10:56 AM
Only problem I see is retrieving that seat! those things are not cheap!
Post by: kimmer on April 02, 2010, 12:15:22 PM
I passed it on to all the folks in our little fishing club.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 19, 2010, 03:53:56 PM
Naturlly, we jumped out of the way and that goat ran straight taward that hole and, without even a short hesytachun, jumped right into the hole, head first! We finely heered a 'splat' and figered it was a might to deep to climb down that hole! So we decided to get back to the house.
'Bout that time a farmer come along and asked if we'd seen anything of a goat 'round these parts. Well, sure nuff, we told him bout that hunert mile an hour goat that had jumped into that hole! But he said that weren't hisen, cause his was tide up to a big old transmission...
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 19, 2010, 07:36:04 PM
Post by: kimmer on April 19, 2010, 07:36:34 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Apr 19 2010, 12:53 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
.... cause his was tide up to a big old transmission...
Now that's good enough to share with all my pals.
Post by: jchuzi on April 19, 2010, 07:41:30 PM
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy..
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair..
Post by: Johanbgoot on April 20, 2010, 06:11:43 PM
A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone
with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'
KEEP SMILING
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 21, 2010, 08:09:54 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 24, 2010, 05:01:54 PM
QUOTE
From the Department of Things You Did Not Know You Needed comes... the see-through toaster.
The Magimix Vision toaster, which has glass sides so you can watch your bread brown, is being introduced at Williams-Sonoma stores nationwide this spring.
And at $299.95 a pop, this device takes some serious bread -- sorry. But store officials believe there is a clear market for a transparent toaster.
Sure sounds more like a "Never Two Many Puns!" site... The Magimix Vision toaster, which has glass sides so you can watch your bread brown, is being introduced at Williams-Sonoma stores nationwide this spring.
And at $299.95 a pop, this device takes some serious bread -- sorry. But store officials believe there is a clear market for a transparent toaster.
Post by: Highmac on April 26, 2010, 02:30:47 AM
I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.
It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.
Iceland goes bankrupt, and then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.
Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.
Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.
Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually".
Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change then - just a regular student pad.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 26, 2010, 10:16:54 AM
BTW, I forwarded all those to my friends (all three of them), taking full credit, of course...
Post by: Jack W on April 26, 2010, 11:36:21 AM
you cracked me up!
good adds Jim!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 26, 2010, 09:02:51 PM
This is mythical and deep...
- Truly beautiful...
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...
...NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"
Hey, almost any reason to use that smiley is worth it!
Post by: jchuzi on April 28, 2010, 07:17:46 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 22, 2010, 06:38:10 PM
- Dearest Arkansas Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved across the river.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Indiana family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Post by: jwboyd on May 22, 2010, 07:35:41 PM
We struck oil on our farm, and with all the money coming in we decided to hire a carpenter to build us a new house.
We have one room that all we do in it is sleep. They call that the bedroom. In another room all we do in it is eat. They call that the dining room.
There’s another room the builder calls the bathroom. Took us a while to figger it all out, but I think we’ve got it. There’s one doohickey where we wash our hands, and a big horse watering trough where you can take your Saturday night bath if you need one. The third thingamajig had us buffaloed for a while. We finally decided it must be a foot washer. You can stick one foot in the water and wash it, then you pull a chain to change the water so you can wash the other foot.
It had two lids on it, but we decided we didn’t need them and took them off. We use one for a breadboard and framed Grandpa’s picture with the other one.
Love,
Mom
Post by: Highmac on May 23, 2010, 06:52:50 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ May 23 2010, 12:38 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
I was in a local store a while back and a woman went to weigh herself. She took off her coat and hung it over her arm before putting the money in the machine....
Last time I saw a similar letter it was Irish - and Irish jokes were banned by the PC brigade over here years ago....
Though apparently it's still OK to tell them if you ARE Irish....
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 23, 2010, 07:03:38 AM
QUOTE
Irish jokes were banned by the PC brigade over here years ago
Not sure out that 'brgade,' but I think most of them require a complete lack of any sense of humor before accepting an applicant... They also may not accept anyone who doesn't bleed when their skin is touched with a feather... OTOH, I love self-deprecating humor/discussions/attitudes and that who solve many of the problems the 'brigades' want to solve, as well as the ones they create.
Post by: jchuzi on May 24, 2010, 06:44:57 AM
One of my favorites is this one:
A violist stopped playing during rehearsal and glared at his stand partner. The conductor asked him about it and he replied, "My stand partner loosened one of my pegs and he won't tell me which one."
Here's another: What's the difference between a viola and a chain saw? You can tune a chain saw.
Post by: Highmac on May 24, 2010, 08:03:28 AM
Post by: jchuzi on May 24, 2010, 08:18:35 AM
Post by: Highmac on June 09, 2010, 02:43:45 PM
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FLAMIN' PORRIDGE YET"!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 09, 2010, 03:52:53 PM
QUOTE
FLAMIN' PORRIDGE
Sounds good to me, I like my oatmeal very thick. If I can turn the bowl upside down without it falling out, it's like Little Red Riding Hood (or was it Little Miss Muffet...) would have said, "This one is just right!" Just mix in a little brown sugar, a pat of real animal fat (aka, butter) and maybe a few peanuts...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 11, 2010, 03:11:30 PM
Post by: george on June 11, 2010, 03:37:52 PM
George.
Post by: Highmac on June 12, 2010, 03:28:38 AM
I guess I need to put on record that I was fairly small, and my father could be quite creative; so in retrospect I can't be sure whether that was a fact or speculation on his part. Sounds very plausible though
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 12, 2010, 09:31:50 AM
I'd simply use peanut butter. Much healthier. Now, I will go mow the yard to work off the pounds I gained simply thinking about my favorite foods!!!
Post by: george on June 12, 2010, 11:09:08 AM
George
Post by: jchuzi on June 12, 2010, 02:54:23 PM
My grandfather would return from work at 6 PM. Grandma wanted to be sure that he had a hot meal so she began heating the peas at 2 PM and kept at it. On Sundays, Grandpa liked to have scrambled eggs for breakfast. She began cooking them at 7 AM. Unfortunately, he didn't get up until 9. It was family lore that her matzoh balls were more akin to cannon balls than anything else.
During WW II, Grandma (being a patriotic soul with two sons in the service) wanted to do something for "our boys". She told Grandpa that she would volunteer to cook for the soldiers. Grandpa told her that, if she wanted to help the war effort, she should cook for the German army.
To this day, if something claims that it is "just like Grandma used to make", I won't eat it.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on June 14, 2010, 06:01:35 PM
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 19 46, the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there
with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric
starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed
on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Low, Norm, Hi,
and Max -- on the controls. And, that's the truth.....
Post by: jchuzi on June 24, 2010, 04:50:10 PM
He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, above the limit he could bring into the U.S.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth.
So Morris explained:
"Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products, but, I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?
"Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but, I am so orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food...."
The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What
about the fifth set?"
Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
Post by: RHPConsult on July 13, 2010, 02:46:41 AM
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.
The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
Post by: kimmer on July 13, 2010, 02:53:06 AM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
Post by: Highmac on July 13, 2010, 08:13:36 AM
While the surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike, the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to him. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 13, 2010, 03:17:16 PM
QUOTE
The city could become the first in the country to ban the sale of all pets (except fish), the San Francisco Chronicle reports.
Oops! Leave it to the free press to shout our secrets!!!I think this paragraph describes the "thinking" behind such a ban, supposedly to protect "us" from ourselves?
QUOTE
People buy high-strung, nocturnal rodents because they're under the temporary impression that hamsters are cute and cuddly. But the new owners quickly learn that hamster are, in fact, prone to biting, gnawing through expensive wiring and maniacally racing on their exercise wheels at 2 a.m.
To which, a commenter replies:QUOTE(Julien Couvreur (Dumky))
People have babies because they're under the temporary impression that babies are cute and cuddly. But the new parents quickly learn that babies are, in fact, prone crying frantically at 2 a.m., not doing as they're told and messing your place up. And that's not even counting for puberty. Many parents eventually have to release the young adults before things start improving again.
Post by: george on July 22, 2010, 02:19:37 AM
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
_____________________________________ ` _______
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog...
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL’S MEDICINE!!
Post by: RHPConsult on July 22, 2010, 01:00:05 PM
• • • • •
Read the Caption on the first photo BEFORE scrolling down to the second photo.
Oh yes, and don't forget to count your blessings
Oh yes, and don't forget to count your blessings
[attachment=1917:Flagstaff_Nr_1.jpg]
Just outside Flagstaff, AZ, on U.S. Hwy 100.Look at this picture and you can see where this driver broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert, where the people are standing on the road, pointing. The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. Its 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.
The vehicle flipped end-over-end, bounced off and across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which it had been traveling.
Now, for the rest of the story . . . in pic Nr. 2
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
[attachment=1916:Flagstaff_Nr_2.jpg]
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
[attachment=1916:Flagstaff_Nr_2.jpg]
If this guy didn't believe in God before these events, do you suppose he believes now?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 22, 2010, 04:52:07 PM
QUOTE
...Its 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.
And in need of a change of underwear? OTOH, what idiot built a road that close to a
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
culvert?!!!
BTW, that second image has been compressed, width-wise, which gives the impression of an increased depth to the 'hole.' Assuming it is not a 'photoshopped' image, it is probably still deep enough to cause severe headaches to anything that lives through a fall to the bottom.
Post by: kimmer on July 22, 2010, 10:16:52 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 22 2010, 01:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
BTW, that second image has been compressed, width-wise, which gives the impression of an increased depth to the 'hole.' Assuming it is not a 'photoshopped' image, it is probably still deep enough to cause severe headaches to anything that lives through a fall to the bottom.
Not photoshopped; but took place on State Route 59 near Hurricane City, Utah (not Flagstaff, AZ, on U.S. Hwy 100).
http://www.snopes.com/photos/accident/culvert.asp
Post by: RHPConsult on July 22, 2010, 10:28:38 PM
That "mining" environment does seem more consistent with Utah.
One thing that's probably true, Snopes or not: a "change of underwear" was called for.
I made a horseback estimate that the "cliff" was about 300 ft in heieght.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 23, 2010, 11:42:55 AM
Post by: krissel on July 24, 2010, 04:07:03 AM
Funny, Tom.
Post by: RHPConsult on July 24, 2010, 09:43:43 AM
I can hardly wait for your first trip to the Great SouthWest and your report on sightseeing at the Grand Canyon from this vantage point . . .
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 24, 2010, 12:40:48 PM
Post by: RHPConsult on July 25, 2010, 02:06:07 AM
A very old man lay dying in his bed. At death's door, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
His aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral”.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 25, 2010, 02:35:33 PM
Post by: kimmer on July 25, 2010, 06:28:27 PM
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 25, 2010, 09:44:29 PM
This is the basic problem with a women trying to tell a joke!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 26, 2010, 10:01:36 AM
QUOTE
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to
his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much
the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a
few beers."
his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much
the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a
few beers."
Post by: kimmer on August 01, 2010, 09:12:34 PM
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Post by: Highmac on August 05, 2010, 11:05:29 AM
Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue
Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
"I am Tweety of Borg. I tawt I attimiwated a puddy tat!"
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I do a lot of thinking in the toilet. Says a lot for my thoughts.
I'd like to help you out - which way did you come in?
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
I'm just killing time. I like it better dead.
Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.
Never moon a werewolf.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Someday you will look back on this moment and plough into a parked car.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Schizophrenia: an unauthorized autobiography.
The death rate on Earth is one per person.
The trouble with being punctual is that no-one's there to appreciate it.
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They're not laughing now.
To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Blessed are the censors; for they shall inhibit the earth
Post by: kimmer on August 06, 2010, 03:11:23 AM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in he basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
Then down he went.
Post by: Highmac on August 06, 2010, 12:46:20 PM
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Post by: kimmer on August 06, 2010, 05:05:53 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Aug 6 2010, 09:46 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or almost) - but it is beneficial for people of all ages.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on August 07, 2010, 10:53:18 AM
Q : Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A : Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q : Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A : No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q : How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A : Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q : What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A : Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain ... good!
Q : Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q : Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q : Is swimming good for your figure?
A : If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q : Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
REMEMBER:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - Chocolate in the other - "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"
AND
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies ...
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer, eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Post by: jchuzi on August 07, 2010, 12:49:46 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 07, 2010, 04:23:15 PM
QUOTE
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
OK, ok, I read the entire exercise, but I still don't see the part where you bake the potato and then slather it with real butter, sour cream, real bacon pieces and some salt and pepper. Where's that part? Huh?! Not very funny to me, I'll tell you that.
Post by: gunug on August 07, 2010, 04:41:02 PM
Happy Birthday Garrison K! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garrison_Keillor
Post by: kimmer on August 10, 2010, 01:33:20 PM
The bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine really."
"What about that eye patch?
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."
The pirate looked rather sheepish. "It was my first day with the hook."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 10, 2010, 09:32:59 PM
Post by: gunug on August 15, 2010, 08:15:39 PM
I first saw this bit (same ice cream vendor, different customer) on Rick Steves travel show on PBS! I suppose that something that involves juggling and slight of hand would be funny in any language!
Physical humor cannot be explained, only experienced!Post by: Texas Mac Man on August 16, 2010, 02:37:47 PM
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Post by: sandyman on August 17, 2010, 06:09:27 AM
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"
Post by: gunug on August 17, 2010, 06:12:48 PM
Who's there !
Banana !
Banana who ?
Banana split so ice creamed !
I think this is only funny if you know how to tell it and you tell it out loud! I'm sure this is one my father once told me; and I don't know that he got it from a little kid, probably an older, funny looking kid!
Post by: Highmac on August 26, 2010, 01:19:19 AM
A new special store just opened up in Manhattan. This store sells husbands. That's right - women can browse men from floors of choices.
Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing additional positive attributes... a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
Post by: krissel on August 26, 2010, 04:07:14 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Aug 26 2010, 02:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
Actually the women were hoping that the last floor would have men that also didn't lie or cheat.
Post by: Highmac on August 26, 2010, 09:06:08 AM
QUOTE(krissel @ Aug 26 2010, 10:07 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Highmac @ Aug 26 2010, 02:19 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
Actually the women were hoping that the last floor would have men that also didn't lie or cheat.
We're already taken
Post by: Highmac on October 01, 2010, 12:37:46 AM
And that's when the fight started.....
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 04, 2010, 05:35:09 PM
QUOTE("an email")
Subject: Wayward Cessna
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the Security Police surrounded the plane...only this time there was a man and a woman in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but you have to tell my wife where I spent last night !!!!
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the Security Police surrounded the plane...only this time there was a man and a woman in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but you have to tell my wife where I spent last night !!!!
Post by: jchuzi on October 04, 2010, 06:47:52 PM
Sunday services were proceeding in a normal fashion in church when the Devil appeared in a huge puff of smoke. Everyone screamed and ran out except for one elderly man. Satan looked at him and asked, "Do you know who I am?" He calmly replied, "Yes, I do." Satan then asked, "Do you know that I could kill you with one flick of my finger?" The man said, without flinching, "Yes, I do." Satan then asked, "Why aren't you scared?"
The man's response: "You're nothing. I've been married to your sister for the last forty years."
Post by: kimmer on November 17, 2010, 10:32:27 PM
One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Post by: Highmac on November 18, 2010, 04:16:46 AM
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
You must have heard of Gullible's Travels.......
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 29, 2010, 11:28:02 AM
Rocket Scientists Not as Smart as Originally Thought
<http://tinyurl.com/y7a38wz>
<http://tinyurl.com/y7a38wz>
Post by: jchuzi on November 29, 2010, 01:28:29 PM
Post by: Highmac on November 30, 2010, 01:48:06 AM
QUOTE
Sent to my mobile from school
"This is a test to see you get a text from school in case we need to use this system for a closure. If you don't get the text please let me know".
Anybody want a cowboy outfit for Christmas?
"This is a test to see you get a text from school in case we need to use this system for a closure. If you don't get the text please let me know".
Anybody want a cowboy outfit for Christmas?
Post by: krissel on November 30, 2010, 03:39:50 AM
Post by: Highmac on November 30, 2010, 06:53:05 AM
Post by: jchuzi on November 30, 2010, 04:37:30 PM
The wife replies, "My best guess is the funeral director."
Post by: kimmer on November 30, 2010, 07:17:11 PM
Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that year...
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 07, 2010, 04:23:33 PM
This is an article submitted to the Louisville (Texas) Sentinel newspaper contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the heck is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 07, 2010, 10:21:22 PM
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Post by: Highmac on December 08, 2010, 02:22:56 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 8 2010, 04:21 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This sounds like it came from our friends "across the pond?"
Good try, Jim, but language differences point to a joint effort, probably re-edited several times as it's been sent around the world
ATM - generally just called a cash machine over here;
Cell phone - over here, almost universally referred to as a mobile phone or just a mobile (as in "I'll call you on my mobile");
Parking brake - almost always 'handbrake' over here;
Handbag - UK name for what Americans call a purse
"purse" here is the small cash-holder like this, carried somewhere in the depths of the handbag
Historically, I could not remember ever reading about a drive-through ATM in this country; Google search only turned up this handout about a trial run - no date, but London phone codes changed from 0181 (used in the document) to 020 in 2000; and the NCR data is for deliveries in 1997.
So I reckon it's of American origin .....
Sorry, am I boring you?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 08, 2010, 01:13:51 PM
- UH?!
- What?
- Sorry, I didn't have me 'earing aids turned up!
We Yanks have lost the ability to walk more than 20 steps, so everything we do is 'auto-accessible!'
And even some stores have drive-ins that their owners didn't know they had! <Quick! I need some fresh, warm baked goods! Can I trade you a half-baked excuse for this "drive through?">
Post by: RNKIII on December 26, 2010, 09:35:34 PM
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.
Post by: krissel on December 27, 2010, 04:58:01 AM
Post by: kimmer on December 27, 2010, 11:30:47 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 21, 2011, 05:27:55 PM
I'm jest sayin', "There oughta be a law..."
Post by: Highmac on January 22, 2011, 02:32:50 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jan 21 2011, 11:27 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Neil, is this kind of thing legal in England?!
I'm jest sayin', "There oughta be a law..."
I'm jest sayin', "There oughta be a law..."
"I shouldn't have had that last coffee....."
BBC's Walk On The Wild Side series (YouTube link).
Dunno about legal. It's almost compulsory.... We need something to laugh about!
Post by: jchuzi on January 22, 2011, 05:20:21 AM
He politely waited until the old gentlemen was finished and then asked, "How long have you been doing this?"
The man replied, "Every day for 60 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"I pray that the Jews and the Arabs will amicably settle their differences and live in peace and harmony."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Like I'm talking to the wall."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 28, 2011, 04:12:03 PM
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Post by: jchuzi on January 28, 2011, 04:31:49 PM
PLANNED PARENTHOOD: ENTRANCE IN REAR
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 28, 2011, 07:58:31 PM
Post by: RNKIII on January 28, 2011, 08:43:23 PM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: jchuzi on January 29, 2011, 07:11:09 AM
WE'RE NUMBER 1 IN THE NUMBER 2 BUSINESS
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 29, 2011, 09:50:00 AM
And, don't forget the "A blind man is driving this truck!" label on the window blind installers vehicle.
Post by: Highmac on January 29, 2011, 10:45:36 AM
And we have a septic tank service called "Suck-Cess"
*Septic tanks are also known as cesspits over here.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 29, 2011, 08:49:38 PM
Post by: jchuzi on January 30, 2011, 11:17:11 AM
Post by: kimmer on February 03, 2011, 07:06:11 PM
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later the Indianapolis Star reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Lafayette, Indiana, Henry, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Henry has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Indiana had already gone wireless".
Hoosiers are such a proud bunch.
Post by: jchuzi on February 04, 2011, 04:48:52 PM
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it, "the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
Post by: Highmac on February 09, 2011, 09:00:54 AM
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'
The man replied, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'
Post by: kimmer on February 09, 2011, 02:19:22 PM
About halfway through, 'The wife' writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do ?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on February 10, 2011, 08:05:35 AM
A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates,
who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And that is how it all began.
Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 11, 2011, 12:42:12 PM
- It's winter in Kentucky
And the gentle breezes blow,
40 miles per hour at 10 below!
Oh, how I love Kentucky.
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave Kentucky,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.
I'm hoping this is not KentuckyJohn!
Post by: george on February 16, 2011, 11:56:27 AM
A real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially enviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime,whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.
Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 16, 2011, 02:57:28 PM
Unfortunately, I suspect the recipient failed to grasp either the humor or the sarcasm...and is probably still upset at paying his share. Not to mention being beaten at his own game!
Post by: kimmer on February 22, 2011, 10:48:05 PM
One of them said to the other, "You man the gun; I'll drive.
Post by: kimmer on February 22, 2011, 11:21:03 PM
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
His friend glared at him for at least three minutes; he just stared and glared at him. Finally he said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Post by: kimmer on February 24, 2011, 04:02:04 AM
The Rabbi declined because, if the sharks ate him, he could not tell his people of the amount of Faith he found during his time being stranded. The Priest also declined because he too said that if the sharks ate him, he couldn't tell his story to his followers either. The lawyer sighed and said "FINE! I'll do it then!" He jumped off, swam to shore, and later that day, he brought rescuers.
Amazed, both the Rabbi and the Priest asked how he managed to not get eaten by the sharks. "Was it your faith in God?", asked the Priest. "No", replied the lawyer. "Well, then, what else could have protected you from those relentless and vile creatures?" The lawyer smiled and said "Call it, 'professional courtesy'."
============
What do you call a lawyeer buried neck-deep in sand?
"WE NEED MORE SAND!"
============
This wasn't my morning.
After a particularly trying day yesterday, I went home early, and except for an hour or so, here and there, basically slept through to almost noon. That's like a week's worth of sleep for me, and my body just can't take it.
Then, to top it off, some kid's ball rolled in front of my car about an hour ago, and when I slammed on my brakes, one of those jacked-up monster off-road SUVs broke the rear glass of my station wagon. I don't care if insurance covers it, it's always iffy whether the rear defroster will work properly on those after a replacement, so I figured I was looking at months of blown fuses and taillights -- and police stops for blown taillights.
Then the driver climbs out -- and I do mean "climbed": he was, to all appearances, a very muscular achondroplastic dwarf.
He swaggers over to my door, taps on it for me to get out, and in his most menacing growl, has the nerve to tell *me*, the rear-ended victim, "I. Am. Not. Happy."
Purely in the interest of collecting insurance information, I replied "Well, which one are you, then?"
That's when the fight started.
The preceding was a joke, of course. Complete fiction.
============
Two termites walk in a restaurant and asks "Is the bartender here?"
============
A cowboy goes to use an outhouse and spots an Indian down in the bottom of the pit. He asks how long he was down there for and the Indian replies...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Many moons
============
Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market on a Monday and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions today. Mr. O'Leary replies that he doesn't have any onions today and won't have them til Saturday.
Tuesday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions today. Mr. O'Leary replies that he doesn't have any onions today and won't have them til Saturday.
Wednesday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions. Mr. O'Leary replies "I told ya Monday, and I told ya yesterday, I don't have any onions and I won't have them til Saturday."
Thursday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions. Mr. O'Leary replies "I told ya Monday, and I told ya Tuesday, and I told ya yesterday, I don't have any onions and I won't have them til Saturday."
Friday comes by and again, Mrs. O'Shaunnasy visits the local market and asks the store keeper, Mr. O'Leary if he has any onions. By this time, Mr. O'Leary has gotten irritated with her and replies "Now, let me ask ya... Who put the 'Tom' in Tomatoes?" The woman shrugs as he continues; "Who put the 'Pot' in Potatoes?"; once again, the woman shrugs as he asks "Who put the frell in the onions?" The woman replies "There ain't no frell in onions!!" The storekeeper says "That's what I've been trying to tell ya and there won't be any til Saturday!!"
Post by: kimmer on February 24, 2011, 01:05:21 PM
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David .
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don 't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 24, 2011, 03:26:17 PM
Post by: kimmer on February 24, 2011, 07:19:45 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Feb 24 2011, 01:26 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Very good! Amazingly so, for a woman!
Post by: Jack W on February 25, 2011, 08:18:17 AM
QUOTE(kimmer @ Feb 24 2011, 08:19 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Kimmer,
I liked your response!
Jack
Post by: Highmac on February 26, 2011, 01:49:12 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 26, 2011, 01:27:18 PM
Wouldn't surprise me to hear about some Yank miss-identifying the flag of any country, however... The vast majority of foreigners in Libya are Chinese, of course. Evacuating those thousands or people requires slightly more than a ferry or two. Also read that a Canadian aircraft and crew left with no evacuees since they couldn't find any Canadians trying to leave. Not sure if it was actually a Canadian aircraft or just Canadian chartered.
Post by: Highmac on February 26, 2011, 02:38:02 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 02, 2011, 12:34:46 PM
QUOTE
when we talk in common language about personal privacy, personal correspondence, personal interest, personal influence, we're really not talking about corporations. We're talking about human beings.
And personal privacy, he said, evokes human concerns, not entities' concerns like AT&T. And he had a kicker to his decision, sort of clever...
...we trust that AT&T will not take it personally.
My opinion? "Corporations" are not as important as "humans." And personal privacy, he said, evokes human concerns, not entities' concerns like AT&T. And he had a kicker to his decision, sort of clever...
...we trust that AT&T will not take it personally.
Post by: Highmac on March 09, 2011, 04:10:53 AM
It explains how the system and the show work and includes a glossary of our slang terms, most of which are correct. However, they've got their vowels in a twist with "knackers = pants"
In fact it's "knickers" = women's underpants
Let's just say that men find being kicked in the "knackers" extremely painful....
Ah, the British art of self-deprecation - it's one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 09, 2011, 09:39:53 AM
"Traditions!?" Unfortunately, it still doesn't make me trust/respect all lawyers! Thoughts of "wolves in sheep's clothing," "lipstick on a pig," etc. keep flooding my mind... "Law & Order" is a very old program and has been on a steady decline in quality as it descends into more and more gore and abased behaviors of the criminal mind. And the formulaic beginnings are usually the most entertaining parts. How will the usually mutilated body be found in the first 120 seconds of the show?
As for the "explanations" you complain about, "don't get your panties in a wad!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 09, 2011, 04:16:03 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 10, 2011, 06:27:32 PM
[attachment=2158:System_P...Snapz001.jpg]
Just press command-option before clicking the Display icon in System Preferences.
Post by: krissel on March 11, 2011, 12:40:24 AM
Doesn't do anything for me.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 11, 2011, 09:43:05 AM
OR
You're
spending
too
much
time
on
Rock,
Paper,
Scissors...
spending
too
much
time
on
Rock,
Paper,
Scissors...
Post by: Jack W on March 11, 2011, 01:04:20 PM
Post by: kimmer on March 11, 2011, 08:54:21 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 12, 2011, 05:22:42 PM
), here is a short, highly technical and astounding professional video (strictly limited availability, BTW) showing and telling you, one more time, how to <Rotating Your Monitor Screen (image) Video>
Believe me, you won't believe how long the actual url is...
Believe me, you won't believe how long the actual url is...
Post by: Jack W on March 12, 2011, 07:16:39 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 12, 2011, 07:45:51 PM
QUOTE
ok ok, I got it!
Now, what in the world will you do with it?!
Post by: krissel on March 13, 2011, 01:01:02 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 13, 2011, 11:26:24 AM
I know the software has to be just right! There may be some interactions between the "hardware" and the "CPU" controlling it, also. I must say that the new QT capabilities are nice and iMovie seems less finicky about opening a "mov" file.
Post by: kimmer on March 23, 2011, 11:53:40 AM
This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena , says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"
Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"
Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.
Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says
"Clarence is 13 ft. 6 In."
Post by: Highmac on March 24, 2011, 02:06:37 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Mar 12 2011, 11:22 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
OK, Boys & Girls. After fighting with Comcast and their ridiculously user-unfriendly Page Creation pages for a couple of hours (actually took about three times as long to get this simple page uploaded as it did to make the whole movie! ), here is a short, highly technical and astounding professional video (strictly limited availability, BTW) showing and telling you, one more time, how to write a never-ending sentence... Rotate your Screen via the Display Pref Panel.
), here is a short, highly technical and astounding professional video (strictly limited availability, BTW) showing and telling you, one more time, how to <Rotating Your Monitor Screen (image) Video>
Believe me, you won't believe how long the actual url is...
Believe me, you won't believe how long the actual url is...
OK, I've saved that valuable QT into my movies folder, so if you ever lose it you have an off-site backup
The option is available on my MBP, but I'm unsure about how that computer would appreciate being stood on end
The only situation I've seen a screen used in portrait mode seriously is by newspaper page-designers, where the screen then matches the proportions of the page. There must be plenty more, though.
Post by: Highmac on March 24, 2011, 02:34:08 AM
For more info - their website
Post by: RNKIII on March 27, 2011, 04:21:29 PM
"I'm so excited about Spring.... I wet my plants!"
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: kimmer on March 27, 2011, 07:39:43 PM
Post by: kimmer on March 28, 2011, 11:18:47 PM
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people'.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician'. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession'.
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
Post by: kimmer on April 02, 2011, 08:24:52 PM
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here's a recap.
Four worms and a lesson to be learned.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the demonstartion the minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol: Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke: Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup: Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil: Alive.
So the Minister asked, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Rachel--sitting in the back--quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
[That pretty much ended the service.]
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 19, 2011, 07:50:45 AM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
“Hair Spray”
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 19, 2011, 06:05:46 PM
Post by: RNKIII on April 21, 2011, 07:47:41 AM
my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone
had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite
toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed
in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was
just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy
tea, my mom came home.
My dad made her wait in the living
room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with
a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother
would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can
reach to get water, is the toilet?".
Bob K. Rnkiii
Post by: jchuzi on April 21, 2011, 08:25:29 AM
They came upon a street vendor with a sign that said "Hot Dogs". Naturally, they were curious and decided to sample the local cuisine. Both looked at their hot dog with some dismay and finally, one asked, "Which part did you get?"
Post by: kimmer on April 22, 2011, 08:43:29 PM
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."
Post by: Highmac on April 24, 2011, 03:41:36 AM
QUOTE
Doctor, I think I'm going deaf
What are the symptoms?
What's that got to do with anything? An American cartoon family...
What are the symptoms?
What's that got to do with anything? An American cartoon family...
Post by: kimmer on May 18, 2011, 07:59:58 PM
They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,
"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
Post by: kimmer on July 24, 2011, 02:35:58 PM
Here's my current contribution ...-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"
Post by: jchuzi on July 24, 2011, 04:15:36 PM
Three elderly British women are riding in the same train compartment. The train slows as it approaches a station and the first says:
"Is this Wembley?"
The second replies, "No, it's Thursday."
The third then declares, "So am I. Let's go to a pub!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 24, 2011, 04:44:44 PM
QUOTE
Don't we have any humor in our souls around here?
BAH! Humbug!!! For laughs lately, I watch the House of Representatives, the Senate, and most of the Republicans running for President. But I must admit, I usually end up crying... 
"Never have so many taken so long to do so little."
And that includes the Memphis City Schools Board! A few months ago they 'surrendered' their charter and claimed the county would have to take over operations. Yet they still meet and accept money for "working." On the other hand, they did reduce their catering budget to $16,000 a year (from the original $25,000). Apparently, they all feared dying of starvation without a paid meal every week? I suspect that they actually feared someone trying to put a 'brown bag' over their head should one of them bring their own food...
Post by: Highmac on July 25, 2011, 02:17:00 AM
Post by: Highmac on September 08, 2011, 02:45:42 AM
Courtesy Keith Moon when he sat in for DJ John Peel in 1973
Post by: sandyman on September 23, 2011, 12:50:41 AM
Later, a baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The baker was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week..' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut!!
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES
NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN
AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 23, 2011, 12:10:57 PM
Reminds me of the saying that there are two places one should never go: A sausage factory and Congress/Parliament/politicians office!
Post by: Jack W on September 23, 2011, 02:44:51 PM
Just kidding Jim !
But I did like it.
Post by: jchuzi on September 23, 2011, 03:18:57 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 25, 2011, 07:22:23 PM
Oh, Sweet Justice! - A Facebook mom teaches her son a valuable lesson:
Hi, this is XXX's mom. I wanted to let all of you know that he is no longer allowed on Facebook because of choices he made today. He posted on Facebook personal information about someone that, regardless if it were true or not, was rude. Because he chose to try and make her mad by spreading personal information, I thought he should know how it feels when the tables are turned. He wet the bed until he was eight.
Post by: gunug on September 27, 2011, 10:45:35 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICbc8DpcX3w...eature=youtu.be
We were breaking up here in the shop!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 27, 2011, 02:24:24 PM
And this had been such a beautiful day...
Post by: Paddy on October 05, 2011, 12:18:55 PM
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 05, 2011, 03:35:23 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 05, 2011, 03:40:35 PM
- Random Acts of Thinking
I want to become a vegetarian, but I'm not sure I can quit eating meat cold turkey.
I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that *everything* I see is an optical illusion?
I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.
Do fishermen live in the reel world?
You want to know a really, really hugely annoyingly bad habit? Over-exaggeration.
I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.
My wife and I love each other. I rub her back and she massages my ego.
When he who lives in a glass house invites he who is without sin for dinner, bad things can happen.
You can't stop progress, but you can unplug a good chunk of it.
A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to spell.
Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
My life no longer needs an extreme makeover. Now it just needs a complete do over.
A friend of mine has a nose ring. She keeps the volume pretty low, though, and sets it to "vibrate" at the movies.
I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.
Yesterday I pushed my luck. It was clearly too weak to move by itself.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 10, 2011, 04:04:45 PM
Post by: kimmer on October 10, 2011, 06:31:27 PM
QUOTE(Texas Mac Man @ Oct 10 2011, 02:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A Police officer approached a blond female motorist....
Post by: jchuzi on October 10, 2011, 07:09:13 PM
Post by: kimmer on October 10, 2011, 09:19:14 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Oct 10 2011, 05:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Two blonds decided to go hunting....
Double
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 11, 2011, 08:25:36 AM
QUOTE
Two blonds...
The biggest reason for the increasing sales of hair coloring?!
Post by: Paddy on October 13, 2011, 01:38:36 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI
Post by: Highmac on October 14, 2011, 06:00:46 AM
QUOTE
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down and still wear shorts and T-shirts.
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadians have the last cookout of the season
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadian Girl Guides still sell cookies door-to-door.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes; makes dry ice.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get a day off work to go tobogganing.
-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down and still wear shorts and T-shirts.
32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadians have the last cookout of the season
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadian Girl Guides still sell cookies door-to-door.
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.
-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes; makes dry ice.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get a day off work to go tobogganing.
-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
In turn it reminded me of this little ditty from The Weavers back in the 60s.
The BlackBerry sketch was based on this 1976 one from The Two Ronnies (Corbett and Barker). Corbett decided to play the customer this time. From memory it was from a tribute show dedicated to the late Ronnie Barker
Post by: kimmer on October 19, 2011, 08:35:27 PM
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes'.
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats'.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'It's not a Porch. It's a Lexus'.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 20, 2011, 05:04:18 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 20, 2011, 07:35:47 PM
This is funny!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: sandyman on October 21, 2011, 06:41:17 AM
World economic models explained by cows
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbors.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with
an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot,
and block the roads, because you want three cows.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market
it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 1000 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. And then invade Poland.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
are. You decide to have lunch.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You
charge the owners for storing them.
CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
INDIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You worship them
BRITISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CAPITALISM: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
part of a Democracy...
NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The one on the left is looking pretty sexy
AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
I hope this does not go against the forum rules on politics :-)
Sandy
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 21, 2011, 09:14:50 AM
QUOTE
I hope this does not go against the forum rules on politics
Have no fear (from me, at least!), I think you've disparaged 99% of the world's societies/cultures/countries. We're nothing if not fair at TS! I think that list has been updated since the last time I saw it.
Post by: jchuzi on October 21, 2011, 11:09:50 AM
Post by: kimmer on October 22, 2011, 01:39:45 PM
- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
- I had amnesia once -- or twice.
- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Post by: jchuzi on October 24, 2011, 05:08:34 PM
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it."
~~~~~~~
At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2,4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 25, 2011, 05:18:10 PM
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree.. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory: On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle. Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to
resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 25, 2011, 06:36:25 PM
As Mr. Abe Lincoln said, "The trouble with quotations on the Internet is that it's difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine."
Post by: RNKIII on October 26, 2011, 12:14:13 PM
in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. y'know.
"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching."
Attributed to one of my most favorite left coast iChatters.....Thanks RHP..
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: kimmer on October 26, 2011, 12:50:47 PM
Post by: Jack W on October 27, 2011, 09:49:49 AM
Mayday! Mayday!
A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot has a heart attack and dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control receive her call for help and answers back, "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat."
Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father.... who art in Heaven.... "
Post by: jchuzi on October 27, 2011, 04:51:21 PM
As he was walking back to the lab, he came across a statue of a cougar that was stamped "California". There was little room on either side so he had to step over it in order to get to continue his journey. A policeman then jumped out of hiding and arrested him.
The charge? Transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.
Post by: Jack W on October 27, 2011, 06:09:43 PM
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends
Post by: Jack W on October 27, 2011, 06:25:05 PM
"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
"My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
________________
THINGS CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . .
"A lion will not cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood!
Post by: jchuzi on October 27, 2011, 06:55:27 PM
Post by: Jack W on November 07, 2011, 07:49:15 AM
[attachment=2378:WineInstead.jpg]
[attachment=2379:Logoff_Warning.jpg]
[attachment=2380:LifeBefore.jpg]
If so, please ignore.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on November 08, 2011, 04:56:43 PM
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I 've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow
But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid....
Post by: jchuzi on December 08, 2011, 07:25:27 PM
A man hears that a certain guru, located in Tibet, knows the answer. He sells all his possessions, travels for a year and half, endures unspeakable hardships, and locates the wise man at last. Here is the conversation:
"What, O Master, is the meaning of life?"
"My son, the answer is The Hokey Pokey."
"The Hokey Pokey?!!!" (aghast)
"That's what it's all about."
Post by: george on December 15, 2011, 11:49:23 AM
Telephone
Television
Tell a woman.
Ain't that the truth!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 20, 2011, 07:11:00 PM
QUOTE
****** 23 ADULT TRUTHS ******
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
But I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
But I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 21, 2011, 07:58:27 AM
QUOTE
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
How to fold a fitted sheet.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 21, 2011, 09:50:56 AM
And she made at least one false claim: She said folding instead of wadding would "double the available storage space in a closet." That is blatantly untrue! We only have one fitted sheet in a couple of closets and even when I used the trash compactor to mash the correctly folded sheet, there was little more than 10 cubic inches more storage space in either of this closets. However, when I used the compactor on all the other items in the closet, it did drastically increase the unused space in the closet! But, even then, the actual space in the closet did not increase!
I get so tired of people believing everything they see on the interwebs!!! Secondly, every mattress I've ever bought has come with a 'fitted' plastic covering. Why cover that up with a sheet?!
Just another example of women trying to 'fix' what isn't broke!!! I'll have to admit, of course, that it is hard to find mattresses along the roadside that still have those 'fitted' plastic coverings... I guess you just get what you pay for.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 27, 2011, 02:09:30 PM
<A Story of a Perfect Couple?>
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 07, 2012, 03:48:31 PM
QUOTE("A. Nony Mus")
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole are currently serving in the United States Senate.
Post by: jchuzi on January 07, 2012, 04:01:06 PM
'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you
are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 09, 2012, 11:01:10 AM
QUOTE("forwarded email")
Pastor Ole of the North Minnesota Community church was asked to help out the county road department, since there was a terrible ice storm and they were short of workers.
He and Deacon Sven were out next to the road at the church sign which read "The end is near !"
A car sped by on the icy road and a loud crash was heard over the hill.
Deacon Sven said to Pastor Ole, "See? I vas telling you dat 'BRIDGE IS OUT' vas better dan 'The end is near !'"
He and Deacon Sven were out next to the road at the church sign which read "The end is near !"
A car sped by on the icy road and a loud crash was heard over the hill.
Deacon Sven said to Pastor Ole, "See? I vas telling you dat 'BRIDGE IS OUT' vas better dan 'The end is near !'"
Post by: kimmer on January 13, 2012, 08:07:46 PM
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 13, 2012, 10:10:59 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 15, 2012, 08:34:52 PM
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad... After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 26, 2012, 07:20:13 PM
surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And mine is.........
27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Post by: Highmac on January 27, 2012, 03:55:39 AM
If at first you don't succeed.... you're running about average.
If at first you don't succeed.... don't take up skydiving.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Post by: jchuzi on January 27, 2012, 05:32:03 AM
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom; otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies "Roughly a gallon."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 28, 2012, 08:57:00 PM
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance,
"you can't come in here without a Thai."
Post by: Jack W on February 08, 2012, 12:43:09 PM
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Post by: Jack W on February 12, 2012, 06:09:51 PM
[attachment=2477:ATT1.jpg][attachment=2478:ATT2.jpg][attachment=2479:ATT3.jpg]
[attachment=2480:ATT4.jpg][attachment=2481:ATT5.jpg][attachment=2482:ATT6.jpg]
Wait, there's more:
[attachment=2483:ATT7.jpg][attachment=2484:ATT8.jpg][attachment=2487:ATT9.jpg]
[attachment=2486:ATTA.jpg]
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 12, 2012, 10:59:30 PM
It appears your uploading caused the forum software to crash and it uploaded one image twice!!!I gotta forward a couple of those to some PC 'friends!'
Post by: Jack W on February 13, 2012, 08:24:46 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Feb 12 2012, 11:59 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It appears your uploading caused the forum software to crash and it uploaded one image twice!!!I gotta forward a couple of those to some PC 'friends!'
Jim,
That's totally weird. When I tried to edit the post to delete the duplicate,
it DOESN'T show up.
WEIRD
Maybe the forum software did CRASH.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 13, 2012, 08:48:20 AM
QUOTE
That's totally weird. When I tried to edit the post to delete the duplicate,
it DOESN'T show up.
I think that's the infamous image insertion hiding just below the edit window problem... :thinking
it DOESN'T show up.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 14, 2012, 03:20:34 PM
QUOTE
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The best answer:
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket.
Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion, or family because if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my collection...
The best answer:
[attachment=2494:pistol.gif]
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket.
Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion, or family because if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my collection...
Post by: kimmer on February 23, 2012, 06:44:52 PM
A gentleman was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the man returned to the doctors office, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 40lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The gentleman guy nodded.
'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from all that skipping.'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 23, 2012, 07:37:23 PM
The only thing 'funny' around here is the weather! It reached ~
Actually a new record high was set: 79°F! 
Post by: Jack W on February 27, 2012, 10:21:42 AM
WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS MARY, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALDING,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SOB
ASKED,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Post by: kimmer on February 28, 2012, 01:40:40 PM
The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these older-but-wiser firefighters, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Vell,' said the 70-year-old fire chief, '.....da furst ting vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck.'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 29, 2012, 01:46:52 PM
QUOTE
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Post by: jchuzi on March 09, 2012, 09:08:34 AM
Dell Computer advertised for a tech support person and a man showed up for an interview. He said, "I am Mujibar and I am here for the job interview".
The interviewer replied, "Very well. We must be sure that you can speak English correctly. Please say something using the words GREEN, PINK, and YELLOW."
The man said, "The telephone go GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, I PINK it up, and I say YELLOW, this is Mujibar. How may I help you?"
He was hired immediately. (In fact, I think that I talked to that guy once.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 09, 2012, 11:53:51 AM
"Jon," I said, "did you forget this is supposed to be a costume party?"
"Why, no! Can't you see I'm wearing a costume?"
"Well, not really, all I see is that your girl-friend is hanging on your back! What are you supposed to be dressed as?"
"Don't you know who that is on my back? It's Michele! I'm dressed as a snail!"
Can't take credit/blame for this one. Heard it last weekend on the Annual Joke Show on Prairie Home Companion.
Post by: kimmer on March 15, 2012, 09:27:49 PM
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, and painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 22, 2012, 02:42:02 PM
Post by: Jack W on April 09, 2012, 09:11:38 AM
http://www.wired.com/underwire/2012/04/alt-text-apple-abuse/
It's a riot!
Post by: jchuzi on April 20, 2012, 02:46:21 PM
1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2.The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3.The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8.The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
10.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11.The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12.The Key West Citizen is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THAT THEY GET ELECTED.
Post by: george on April 21, 2012, 09:33:08 AM
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
When your Mum is mad at your Dad don't let her brush your hair.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
When your Dad is mad and asks you "do I look stupid" don't answer him.
Never tell your Mum that her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Felt tipped pens are not good as lipstick.
When you get a bad mark at school, show it to your Mum when she's on the phone
Never try to baptise a cat.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 21, 2012, 10:12:29 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 26, 2012, 10:05:57 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 27, 2012, 09:21:28 AM
<I don't know what she said, but I'm sure she's right.>
I hope she said this guy should be fired!!!
I hope she said this guy should be fired!!!
Post by: gunug on May 08, 2012, 12:46:25 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=playe...p;v=hwlDik1ovuU
As with Dr. Who, it's in need of subtitles!
Post by: sandyman on May 10, 2012, 06:09:57 AM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you're stupid, Larry?”
“No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ...”
Sandy
Post by: kimmer on May 31, 2012, 05:49:14 PM
"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.
"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."
=-=-=-=
A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
Post by: jchuzi on May 31, 2012, 08:11:21 PM
A big voice in the sky then said (brace yourself!), REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE.
Post by: Jack W on June 13, 2012, 02:39:44 PM
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer...
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 25, 2012, 10:01:58 AM
Just sign the print outs! With a real signature! WOW! Still not sure why an image of a signature is useful while being secure! Seems to be a great way to have one stolen/abused. "Would you like my bank account number, also?" "You're welcome."
Post by: Highmac on July 11, 2012, 03:08:26 AM
"Good grief" said the miserable actor. "My career's going from bard to verse."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 12, 2012, 09:41:50 PM
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
(You'll love this....)
(I know you will...)
.
.
.
.
.
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
Post by: Highmac on July 20, 2012, 05:06:30 PM
"He's not one of these people who licks their thumb to turn the page, is he?"
"No," said her colleague seriously.
Then the light dawned...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 20, 2012, 07:52:19 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 30, 2012, 10:21:17 PM
Subject: Fw: Two Women in a Bar
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember!
Post by: dolphin on August 04, 2012, 08:51:15 AM
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century", she said, "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad".
I tell you, that damn fly never knew what hit it.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on August 07, 2012, 03:11:56 PM
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No?
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't remember if I've seen this joke or not.
Post by: jchuzi on September 21, 2012, 07:08:19 AM
The clone is a brilliant lawyer with a fatal flaw; he has a foul mouth. He swears at the judges, curses at the clients, and otherwise alienates everyone. The law practice falters and the lawyer decides to get rid of the clone.
He brings the clone to the top of a cliff, throws him over the edge, and the clone dies. The lawyer was arrested for (brace yourself!), MAKING AN OBSCENE CLONE FALL.
Post by: Highmac on September 25, 2012, 01:57:28 AM
Post by: dolphin on September 27, 2012, 04:46:30 PM
Try this (It came from Wales)
This is incredible.... YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS ....
See if you can do this accurately.
Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order
be careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
Scroll down ...........................
It's so easy to amuse Seniors
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's
Post by: jchuzi on September 27, 2012, 04:58:00 PM
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 27, 2012, 06:30:22 PM
QUOTE(dolphin @ Sep 27 2012, 04:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Try this (It came from Wales)
This is incredible.... YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS ....
See if you can do this accurately.
Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order
be careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
Scroll down ...........................
It's so easy to amuse Seniors
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's
This is incredible.... YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS ....
See if you can do this accurately.
Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order
be careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
Scroll down ...........................
It's so easy to amuse Seniors
TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have really made my day so much happier! I'm just not sure I will be able to make it through tomorrow with the anticipation of even a better day!
Post by: sandyman on October 03, 2012, 05:31:40 AM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 27 2012, 10:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
.....
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
.....
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Golf and Whisky......
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. I have a wee nip of whisky on each hole, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dad died?'
The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had another wee dram, and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad could’nae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Apologies for the Scottish dialect
Sandy
BTW this was sent to me by my 83 year old uncle
Post by: sandyman on October 03, 2012, 10:15:48 AM
A Felonious Monk
Sandy
Post by: kimmer on October 03, 2012, 12:40:50 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 12, 2012, 02:33:04 PM
After the wedding date was set, the bride broom told the groom broom that they would have to marry earlier because she was expecting a whisk broom. He replied (brace yourself!), "That's not possible. We haven't swept together."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on October 12, 2012, 09:31:59 PM
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he is not sure if sex is WORK or PLAY.
So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search,
I am positive that sex is WORK and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a Priest know about sex? So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man,
and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is WORK, and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with this reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of a thousand years of tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to see a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely PLAY.
Shocked, the man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure it is PLAY when so many others tell me sex is WORK?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were WORK, ...........my Wife would have the Maid do it.
Post by: jchuzi on October 13, 2012, 05:33:34 AM
In consternation, the man asked his wife what he should do. She replied, "See the rabbi. He's the smartest man in the village. He'll know."
Following her advice, he went to the rabbi and explained the problem. The rabbi thoughtfully stroked his beard and said, "The cow; she must be from Minsk." The man was delighted that the solution might be close at hand and said, "Yes rabbi, that's right! How did you know?" The rabbi looked wistful and said, "My wife is from Minsk."
Post by: jchuzi on October 13, 2012, 07:25:50 AM
The priest said, "Rabbi, we've been friends for a long time and I'm curious about something. Did you ever eat ham?"
The rabbi thought for a moment and said, "I must confess that, when I was a young man, I wanted to know what it was all about. I knew it was a sin, but I tried it anyway. But tell me, Father, did you ever have a woman?"
The priest blushed and said, "When I was a young man, I did. I knew that it was a sin, but my youthful lust got the better of me."
The rabbi gave a knowing look and said, "It sure beats ham, doesn't it?"
Post by: dolphin on October 13, 2012, 11:51:56 PM
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead... well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Post by: sandyman on October 14, 2012, 11:55:01 AM
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
Wait for it.......
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
Another one from my 83 year old uncle.
Sandy
Post by: sandyman on October 18, 2012, 04:21:55 AM
[attachment=2734:Make_it_...eresting.jpg]
Sandy
Post by: jchuzi on October 18, 2012, 05:41:08 AM
That's horrible, disgusting and offensive. I loved it.
Post by: Jack W on October 19, 2012, 09:32:15 AM
[attachment=2735:As_we_get_older.jpg]
Remember to wear a bicycle helmet!
Jack
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 19, 2012, 12:06:45 PM
If anything, I'd say they violate the "Beauty" standards for even the interwebs!
There should be a warning label saying something like: "Viewer discretion has been violated if this image is seen!!!" 
Post by: jchuzi on October 19, 2012, 03:22:23 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 19, 2012, 03:48:29 PM
Fortunately, that principal was promoted up the chain and no longer created problems for the school... the problems affected the entire school system!
Post by: jchuzi on October 22, 2012, 04:08:57 PM
(he) Do you have any grounds?
(she) Oh yes, about 3 acres.
(he) You misunderstand me. Let me rephrase the question. Do you have a grudge?
(she) Certainly. It holds both cars.
(he) No, no! Let me put this another way. Does he beat you up?
(she) That lazy bum? He doesn't get up until 10:00.
(he, exasperated) WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
(she) We just don't seem to be able to communicate.
Post by: krissel on October 23, 2012, 11:23:02 PM
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his
headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest .
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 24, 2012, 10:10:53 AM
As so often it is said, "Now you tell me!"
Post by: jchuzi on October 24, 2012, 12:42:57 PM
Post by: Jack W on October 24, 2012, 01:14:16 PM
Loved that one Kris,
Good punch line!
-Jack
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 26, 2012, 11:43:04 AM
Some have reported a problem with Acoustic Impedance with the installation show in the Facebook image. The following instructions should correct that problem should you encounter it in your vehicle. You are welcome.
[attachment=2737:Impedance_problem.jpg]
Note reversed polarity.
Note reversed polarity.
The new Sound Techs motto after getting no real help from 'performers' during a 'sound check': "Don't blame me, I can't make 'em better, only louder!"
Post by: kimmer on October 26, 2012, 12:40:15 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Oct 26 2012, 09:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here's a picture of an installation of two 12" subs that cost less than $25!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 26, 2012, 01:11:32 PM
It wil be Dec 12, this year!
"Testing...
One two / one two / one two..."
If you've ever tried to "EQ" a mic, you'll know how useless it is to hear a few numbers... When some one 'offers' that, I usually ask them if that's what they plan on saying or singing...
Just talk/sing normally (that's why I'm playing your music ).
Post by: Jack W on October 28, 2012, 08:55:04 AM
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have
had brushes with the authorities on our way home from
the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some
friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off
with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but
because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 30, 2012, 10:03:30 AM
[attachment=2738:funny_fedex_ad.jpg]
Post by: kimmer on November 27, 2012, 02:14:02 PM
Post by: dolphin on November 28, 2012, 10:31:00 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Oct 30 2012, 10:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Remember those unique trucks supposedly photographed around Europe? Obviously Photoshopped but they are still being made. Here's one sent to me by a fellow retired pilot. I'm not sure if he thinks it's real or not. I see it as humor, anyway:
[attachment=2738:funny_fedex_ad.jpg]
Well you know that FedEx and UPS are going to merge...it'll then be called FedUP!
Post by: jchuzi on December 11, 2012, 09:18:58 AM
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Guys will get it the first time.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 11, 2012, 01:09:14 PM
As you say, it's perfectly logical! Same thing happened to me just last week... different items but same result. No body was laughing then, either.
Post by: Highmac on December 19, 2012, 03:54:02 AM
"That dog must be smart" said the man.
"Not that smart" one of the players said.
"Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail"
Post by: sandyman on December 19, 2012, 07:27:00 AM
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back.
"You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."
Sandy
I'm not Anti Irish. I'm an "Equal Opportunities Racist". I hate everyone who doesn't come from (Central) Fife
Post by: jchuzi on December 21, 2012, 07:29:16 PM
~ Italian proverb
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
If life were fair Elvis, would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 22, 2012, 11:15:07 AM
[attachment=2771:perfume.jpg]
Post by: jchuzi on December 24, 2012, 09:17:15 AM
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Post by: kimmer on January 09, 2013, 10:52:32 PM
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was just fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a speeding ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Saskatchewan got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened the rear door and got in.
The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk then replied to the Mountie ...
"You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 10, 2013, 09:20:55 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 13, 2013, 10:22:35 PM
With all the problems in the World, not to mention our country (which ever that may be!), we don't have time for humor, jokes and laughter! NO! NO, I say again! It's past time to get serious about our problems and I think we should start my getting some politicians involved!!! Post by: Jack W on January 27, 2013, 08:33:51 AM
I friend of mine sent this to me via email this morning.
It went around some time ago, but I feel worth revisiting. (I hope nobody is insulted by this)
Windows vs. Ford
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?"
8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Post by: RNKIII on January 27, 2013, 09:08:28 AM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: jchuzi on January 27, 2013, 12:39:35 PM
1. On those cold, wet, miserable days when you shouldn't be driving, it wouldn't start.
2. The driver was guaranteed to never get a speeding ticket. It went from 0-60 in 6 minutes (downhill).
3. The reclining front seat (now there was a feature that a young would-be stud appreciated!) had its metal frame break in 523 pieces, so you had to drive while semi-reclined. There were so many breaks that it was impossible to weld.
4. The transmission would slip out of Drive when the car was barely warmed up. This only happened if you were unlucky enough to stop at a traffic light. The remedy was to gun the motor and let the transmission jerk itself back into gear (or shift into Neutral and then floor the pedal, after which you could shift back into Drive, maybe).
5. The automatic choke was less than automatic. On occasion, the only way to get a cold start was to remove the air cleaner and manually hold the butterfly closed while someone else turned the key.
6. The steering wheel would not return to the straight position when making a left turn, only a right turn. If you turned left, you had to manually pull the wheel back.
7. The distributor cap regularly admitted moisture into the distributor, resulting in a drastic loss of power (and you couldn't afford to lose any!). It didn't matter how many times you replaced the cap; the problem always returned.
Ah, to be back in the Golden Age of American cars... (I'm not making any of this up.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 27, 2013, 04:02:43 PM
QUOTE
Just before the Super Bowl, the NFL has reported discovered that the Harbaugh "brothers" are actually only one person! It's amazing that Jim Harbaugh has been able to get away with the hoax for so long but the NFL says they not only want half his pay returned but all of his frequent flyer miles!!
Apparently the hoax was discovered when Jim asked that his "brother" had some huge, unhealed zits and did not want any TV coverage during the game!
Apparently the hoax was discovered when Jim asked that his "brother" had some huge, unhealed zits and did not want any TV coverage during the game!
You can check this out at http://www.SEPONS.ten/HarbaughBowl.html
Post by: Jack W on January 27, 2013, 05:52:36 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jan 27 2013, 01:39 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
That reminded me of my first car. My dad gave me his 1962 Rambler Classic (remember American Motors?) when I graduated from college. It had many advanced features:
1. On those cold, wet, miserable days when you shouldn't be driving, it wouldn't start.
2. The driver was guaranteed to never get a speeding ticket. It went from 0-60 in 6 minutes (downhill).
3. The reclining front seat (now there was a feature that a young would-be stud appreciated!) had its metal frame break in 523 pieces, so you had to drive while semi-reclined. There were so many breaks that it was impossible to weld.
4. The transmission would slip out of Drive when the car was barely warmed up. This only happened if you were unlucky enough to stop at a traffic light. The remedy was to gun the motor and let the transmission jerk itself back into gear (or shift into Neutral and then floor the pedal, after which you could shift back into Drive, maybe).
5. The automatic choke was less than automatic. On occasion, the only way to get a cold start was to remove the air cleaner and manually hold the butterfly closed while someone else turned the key.
6. The steering wheel would not return to the straight position when making a left turn, only a right turn. If you turned left, you had to manually pull the wheel back.
7. The distributor cap regularly admitted moisture into the distributor, resulting in a drastic loss of power (and you couldn't afford to lose any!). It didn't matter how many times you replaced the cap; the problem always returned.
Ah, to be back in the Golden Age of American cars... (I'm not making any of this up.)
1. On those cold, wet, miserable days when you shouldn't be driving, it wouldn't start.
2. The driver was guaranteed to never get a speeding ticket. It went from 0-60 in 6 minutes (downhill).
3. The reclining front seat (now there was a feature that a young would-be stud appreciated!) had its metal frame break in 523 pieces, so you had to drive while semi-reclined. There were so many breaks that it was impossible to weld.
4. The transmission would slip out of Drive when the car was barely warmed up. This only happened if you were unlucky enough to stop at a traffic light. The remedy was to gun the motor and let the transmission jerk itself back into gear (or shift into Neutral and then floor the pedal, after which you could shift back into Drive, maybe).
5. The automatic choke was less than automatic. On occasion, the only way to get a cold start was to remove the air cleaner and manually hold the butterfly closed while someone else turned the key.
6. The steering wheel would not return to the straight position when making a left turn, only a right turn. If you turned left, you had to manually pull the wheel back.
7. The distributor cap regularly admitted moisture into the distributor, resulting in a drastic loss of power (and you couldn't afford to lose any!). It didn't matter how many times you replaced the cap; the problem always returned.
Ah, to be back in the Golden Age of American cars... (I'm not making any of this up.)
I used to have one of them Ramblers.
One trip we made out west, we had a cartop carrier, and it was all we could do to get up to 55mph on Interstates.
And what a dog in the Canadian Rockies.
It wasn't a whole lot better without the car-top carrier!
Jack
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 01, 2013, 08:37:40 PM
The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary! I've baked them, I've roasted them,I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender!"
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah ha!" the second cannibal replies. "There's your problem; those are friars!"
Post by: jchuzi on February 02, 2013, 05:17:07 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 02, 2013, 01:47:34 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 13, 2013, 04:33:45 PM
- [attachment=2817:34625500.jpeg]
Post by: jchuzi on February 17, 2013, 05:09:27 AM
Post by: kimmer on February 17, 2013, 11:42:17 AM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Feb 17 2013, 03:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Apropos Kimmer's post, that group of elk has just returned from orbit aboard the International Space Station. It was called, "The Herd Shot 'Round The World."
Post by: Highmac on February 21, 2013, 01:42:48 AM
The playschool teacher had been asked by one of the children to help him put on his Wellington boots.
She could see why he needed help - even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'They're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she dearly wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off than he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear them.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
Post by: Highmac on March 05, 2013, 12:17:05 AM
I was in the wrong thread.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 05, 2013, 09:40:53 AM
Post by: Frances144 on March 05, 2013, 11:31:35 AM
There, I've said it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JM75eXq_FQE
Post by: jchuzi on March 05, 2013, 04:45:55 PM
A scientist discovers that he can stop the aging process in porpoises by feeding them fledgling seagulls. Naturally, he has to obtain those birds for his experiments. So, he goes to a nesting area and collects as many as he can. While walking back to the lab along a narrow path, he comes upon a lion carved in stone. Stamped on the lion's flanks are the words "New Jersey". Since the path is too narrow to go around the lion, he carefully steps over it. Immediately, a policeman comes out of hiding and arrests him.
He is charged with (get your barf bag ready):
Transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 09, 2013, 11:42:42 AM
). Anyway, it just reminds me of what younger ones say and the joys of being around them (even if they aren't "kids" anymore!). So...- A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Post by: jchuzi on March 11, 2013, 08:38:44 PM
The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 12, 2013, 09:55:10 AM
Post by: jchuzi on March 12, 2013, 08:04:44 PM
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
Post by: dolphin on March 22, 2013, 04:58:47 PM
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth....
Post by: jchuzi on March 23, 2013, 08:27:43 PM
WE HAVE TO FIND HER AND STOP HER!!!
Post by: jchuzi on March 30, 2013, 08:12:20 PM
Post by: jchuzi on April 01, 2013, 08:03:52 AM
two words, COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand.
Some people say that there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
However, there is a BIG difference. When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
And, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.
Now you understand!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 09, 2013, 02:42:50 PM
QUOTE
Cletus won the grand prize at the carnival in Laurel, Mississippi.
It was a brand new bass fishing boat.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Mississippi a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!"
It was a brand new bass fishing boat.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Mississippi a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!"
I'm from Arkansas, so if anyone from MS is offended, just change "Mississippi" to "Arkansas." It's not as hard to spell, either... I've heard that's the reason some states (which shall remain nameless) around the Great Lakes have only FOUR letters!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 01, 2013, 08:55:51 AM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 01, 2013, 09:36:33 AM
...shhhh....
Meals on Wheels?
Meals on Wheels?
Post by: sandyman on May 13, 2013, 06:19:29 AM
Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown
Sandy
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 13, 2013, 09:41:34 AM
"Thanks, Sandy!" I said to myself without moving the upturned ends of my closed mouth nor vocalizing those thoughts with my relaxed vocal cords as I sat on the chair in front of my late 2011, 27", glossy-screened iMac sitting on its rotating Rain® matching brushed aluminum turntable, it's top covered with the usual desk top detritus of a retired male humanoid.
Post by: sandyman on May 14, 2013, 01:40:39 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ May 13 2013, 03:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't know who Dan Brown is, but that article is the funniest thing I read in years!
"Thanks, Sandy!" I said to myself without moving the upturned ends of my closed mouth nor vocalizing those thoughts with my relaxed vocal cords as I sat on the chair in front of my late 2011, 27", glossy-screened iMac sitting on its rotating Rain® matching brushed aluminum turntable, it's top covered with the usual desk top detritus of a retired male humanoid.
"Thanks, Sandy!" I said to myself without moving the upturned ends of my closed mouth nor vocalizing those thoughts with my relaxed vocal cords as I sat on the chair in front of my late 2011, 27", glossy-screened iMac sitting on its rotating Rain® matching brushed aluminum turntable, it's top covered with the usual desk top detritus of a retired male humanoid.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Unfortunately it sums up a lot of the "literature" that you see on the shelves in (the few remaining) bookshops these days
Sandy
Post by: krissel on May 15, 2013, 12:57:03 AM
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/b...-sentences.html
Post by: sandyman on May 18, 2013, 01:50:56 AM
The eight worst sentences in Dan Brown's Inferno
Sandy
Post by: jchuzi on May 18, 2013, 05:14:19 AM
Post by: sandyman on May 18, 2013, 09:20:28 AM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ May 18 2013, 11:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm sure that Mr. Brown takes this criticism very seriously. Undoubtedly, he cries all the way to the bank.
Whilst stoping of at the offices of Columbia to sign a deal on the film rights
Tom Hanks must be grinning in anticipation of another large pay check.
I actually tried to read The Da Vinci Code years ago. I threw in the towel after just a few chapters. It appeared, to me anyway, just a rehash of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail wrapped up in bad prose.
I was obviously in a minority given the sales of the book and the box office receipts!!!!
Sandy
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 18, 2013, 10:11:03 AM
"Popularity" has never been a criteria for anything, at least in my adult(?) life. I think using a Mac proves that!
Post by: kimmer on May 18, 2013, 12:13:55 PM
QUOTE(sandyman @ May 18 2013, 07:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(jchuzi @ May 18 2013, 11:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I'm sure that Mr. Brown takes this criticism very seriously. Undoubtedly, he cries all the way to the bank.
Whilst stoping of at the offices of Columbia to sign a deal on the film rights
Tom Hanks must be grinning in anticipation of another large pay check.
Oh, please, someone spare us.
Not that I'd watch it no matter who was in it. QUOTE
I actually tried to read The Da Vinci Code years ago. I threw in the towel after just a few chapters. It appeared, to me anyway, just a rehash of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail wrapped up in bad prose.
I was obviously in a minority given the sales of the book and the box office receipts!!!!
Sandy
I was obviously in a minority given the sales of the book and the box office receipts!!!!
Sandy
I actually read that book. I threw it across the room several times during the read. I slammed it shut. I got up and took walks. So why did I read it? Because 2 dear friends had read it and said "You've got to read this. Then we can have lunch and discuss!" They made it sound like a great book. So I forced myself to read the blasted thing. When done, we met for lunch and I asked what they liked in this book and they both said "NOTHING!"
When I asked why they insisted I read this piece of trash they replied, "Because we had and you needed to join us in our misery."
It's already been said, but brown can't write worth beans. I can't either, but I think I'm way more interesting, poorer, but more interesting.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 18, 2013, 03:02:08 PM
QUOTE
I asked why they insisted I read this piece of trash they replied, "Because we had and you needed to join us in our misery."
You may be more interesting but you don't seem too smart about picking friends! "With friends like that..."
Post by: jchuzi on May 18, 2013, 03:58:11 PM
QUOTE
"With friends like that..."
A man gave his wife fern fronds for their anniversary, although he usually gave her anemones. When she asked why, he replied "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 18, 2013, 08:51:28 PM
Post by: Highmac on May 19, 2013, 02:40:01 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ May 19 2013, 02:51 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Are "jokes" like that allowed here?!
You mean like this one?
QUOTE
Two men are out in a canoe in northern Canada and are feeling the cold. One decides to light a little stove inside to warm them up. The canoe catches fire and sinks.
Which just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Which just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Post by: krissel on May 19, 2013, 02:51:35 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ May 18 2013, 09:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Are "jokes" like that allowed here?!
Well, when it comes to fronds and anemones, anything grows.
BTW, I LOLed when I came across this comment in the last Dan Brown skewering:
QUOTE
Every time someone buys a Dan Brown book, a kitten dies.
(Hi Neil, good morning! I'm off to bed...well, soon.)
Post by: krissel on May 23, 2013, 10:13:42 PM
There was a bit of confusion at WalMart this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 24, 2013, 10:07:15 AM
As a senior, I take umbrage at your remarks about my age (which I can't exactly remember at this time). Besides, I need to get my Umbrage subscription refilled. 
Post by: jchuzi on May 24, 2013, 10:47:54 AM
Have a business card printed with the following:
Any chance of crawling into the sack with you tonight?
I'm not as good as I once WAS,
but I'm as good ONCE as I ever was.
Please return this card later as they are expensive.
You don't need to say yes, JUST SMILE.
Hand this to the first attractive person that you encounter. If nothing else, you'll get a lot of smiles.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 24, 2013, 02:50:02 PM
QUOTE
Hand this to the first attractive person that you encounter. If nothing else, you'll get a lot of smiles.
Not me! I still remember the look and the comment I got when I held a door for a "lady" many years ago... and she wasn't even that attractive!!! She probably wasn't wearing a bra, either. What we call chivalry or even respect for women in the South is considered 'sexual harassment' up North, I guess.
Post by: jchuzi on May 27, 2013, 01:50:28 PM
He says, "I know that you can't take it with you but I'm going to try. I have 3 million dollars and I'm giving one million to each of you, provided that you solemnly promise to put the money in my coffin when I'm buried." They all agree.
After the funeral, the three get together to have a few drinks. The alcohol loosens their tongues and they start to talk.
The teacher said, "I have a confession. I only put $900,000 in the coffin. I used the other 100K to travel around the world. But, I know that he would have approved because I used my experiences to better teach my students."
The doctor said, "I too have a confession. I only put $800,000 in the coffin. I used the other 200K to travel around the world. But, I know that he would have approved because my travels increased my medical knowledge and I'm better able to treat my patients."
The lawyer said, "I'm deeply ashamed of both of you. We all made a solemn promise. I'm happy to say that I put my very own personal check for the full amount in the coffin."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 01, 2013, 12:36:43 PM
Post by: jchuzi on June 01, 2013, 04:46:33 PM
Earthworms have a habit of crawling from East to West. When they get to California, they reach the end of land at the Pacific so they have to turn around. Normally, that's not a big deal but, if enough of them turn at the same time, the earth shakes. The original name for this phenomenon was earthworm quake but it has been shortened to earthquake. Naturally, if enough earthworms get into a traffic jam before reaching the west coast, they also have to stop or turn around, accounting for earthquakes in other regions of the US. And, of course, they all ask each other, "Did the earth move for you too?"
And you thought that you knew everything...
Post by: kimmer on June 02, 2013, 11:46:35 AM
"It's my wife! I have to hide", he whispered.
"Don't be silly, your wife can't possibly object to you having lunch with someone you work with" his colleague said.
"She can if she thinks I died in 1995".
Post by: jchuzi on June 02, 2013, 12:06:07 PM
Post by: Jack W on June 05, 2013, 05:55:07 AM
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Mal-Wart when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says,"Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 16, 2013, 04:13:19 PM
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have
died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows
eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of
impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none
could say "Truck".
Post by: jchuzi on July 27, 2013, 08:00:54 AM
The Jewish Samurai
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor.
"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead?" replied the Jewish Samurai!! "Dead is easy. But, Circumcision...??"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 27, 2013, 06:55:36 PM
Post by: kimmer on July 28, 2013, 03:44:16 PM
1. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
2. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
3. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
4. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
5. Bad decisions make good stories.
6. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection, again.
7. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
8. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
11. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
*There were 24 of these but some are stupid, and some are not fit for TS.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 28, 2013, 04:31:54 PM
Post by: Highmac on July 29, 2013, 01:20:02 AM
Unfortunately No 9 no longer works in our house.... "You didn't hear a word I said, did you?"
OK I'll switch them back on
Post by: Jack W on July 29, 2013, 09:00:27 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jul 29 2013, 02:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Feel free to share the stupid ones, anyway. Some of us may think they're very sensible
I totally agree with Neil!
Jack
Post by: krissel on July 30, 2013, 12:09:27 AM
I was just reading about the new optical replacement for BlueRay which is supposed to hold the new 4K films which aren't really out there yet.
Re: #10
Recently I wouldn't let a guy in who was in the left lane which merged with mine after plenty of signs indicating such. He had the nerve to run down his passenger window and say "Aren't you going to let me in?" I said, "Is this the first time you've driven on this road?" He replied, "No..." Then I said, "Well, then you knew the lane ended yet you thought you could pass everyone and force your way in, right? Well, you're not"
Needless to say, he wasn't too happy, but the guy in the car behind me heard the conversation, gave me a thumbs up and wouldn't let him in either.
Post by: jchuzi on July 30, 2013, 05:19:16 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 30, 2013, 05:10:55 PM
Many drivers around here are illiterate, so they wouldn't have understood the signs, anyway...
Post by: kimmer on July 30, 2013, 08:06:35 PM
QUOTE(krissel @ Jul 29 2013, 10:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Re: #10
Recently I wouldn't let a guy in who was in the left lane which merged with mine after plenty of signs indicating such. He had the nerve to run down his passenger window and say "Aren't you going to let me in?" I said, "Is this the first time you've driven on this road?" He replied, "No..." Then I said, "Well, then you knew the lane ended yet you thought you could pass everyone and force your way in, right? Well, you're not"
Needless to say, he wasn't too happy, but the guy in the car behind me heard the conversation, gave me a thumbs up and wouldn't let him in either.
Recently I wouldn't let a guy in who was in the left lane which merged with mine after plenty of signs indicating such. He had the nerve to run down his passenger window and say "Aren't you going to let me in?" I said, "Is this the first time you've driven on this road?" He replied, "No..." Then I said, "Well, then you knew the lane ended yet you thought you could pass everyone and force your way in, right? Well, you're not"
Needless to say, he wasn't too happy, but the guy in the car behind me heard the conversation, gave me a thumbs up and wouldn't let him in either.
Mac approves, he wouldn't have let him in either.
Post by: kimmer on July 30, 2013, 08:34:34 PM
QUOTE
Undeniable Adult Truths
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection, again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies … Quit Laughing.
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection, again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1 .7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies … Quit Laughing.
Post by: jchuzi on July 31, 2013, 05:43:16 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 05, 2013, 01:09:59 PM
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
Post by: jchuzi on August 05, 2013, 01:22:13 PM
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris , 1902-1981)
I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 09, 2013, 02:58:26 PM
QUOTE
knbgnu wrote:
So, they are going to make the data more secure by cutting jobs of the people they are afraid of and moving the data into [the "Cloud" and under] the control of third parties that probably have more sysadmins than the NSA.
Of course, making this announcement was after they fired all those Sys Admins. Otherwise, that would surely create disgruntled and possible leakers out of ~90% of your employees, right? So, they are going to make the data more secure by cutting jobs of the people they are afraid of and moving the data into [the "Cloud" and under] the control of third parties that probably have more sysadmins than the NSA.
QUOTE
Not just more admins. But admins working on contract through other companies. You just can't make up stuff like this.
"Management by Stupidity"This truly is ironically funny and tragically sad.
Post by: Highmac on August 22, 2013, 03:09:05 AM
Not sure which is funniest - the sketch itself or Martin being helpless with laughter as the "straight man"
Post by: kimmer on August 22, 2013, 02:22:24 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Aug 22 2013, 01:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here's a Bob Newhart one I'd never seen before - the toupee sketch with Dean Martin
Not sure which is funniest - the sketch itself or Martin being helpless with laughter as the "straight man"
Not sure which is funniest - the sketch itself or Martin being helpless with laughter as the "straight man"
HAHAHAHAHAHA
"I'd like a straight man who didn't laugh."
HAHAHAHAHAHA
This was when comedy was funny (not raunchy), and tv was worth watching.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 26, 2013, 06:09:58 PM
Anyway, there is a new, bigger is better, information storage/sharing site at which you probably already have an account! Best of all, there are NO ads, ever, it's FREE, and you have unlimited storage space!!
<PRSM>
Post by: jchuzi on August 31, 2013, 07:44:58 AM
The moral of the story: You can't heat your kayak and have it too.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 03, 2013, 03:11:51 PM
THE COWBOY WAS A GOOD BAPTIST….
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking...
Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 03, 2013, 03:19:34 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Aug 26 2013, 06:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I guess posting in this thread kinda gives away the surprise...
Anyway, there is a new, bigger is better, information storage/sharing site at which you probably already have an account! Best of all, there are NO ads, ever, it's FREE, and you have unlimited storage space!!
Anyway, there is a new, bigger is better, information storage/sharing site at which you probably already have an account! Best of all, there are NO ads, ever, it's FREE, and you have unlimited storage space!!
<PRSM>
Re: PRSM
Look at this site http://www.tomsguide.com/us/prsm-security-...news-17428.html
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 03, 2013, 10:40:31 PM
QUOTE
...but be warned: it's a total farce.
That's why I posted in this thread. There's was some concern expressed that it might cross the the "No Politics" line, but I think most people saw the humor/farce/parody in it. That's all I was hoping for, anyway. It seems many TV ad creators never see the humor int their own statements and 'promise-the-world' products. "But wait! Order now and we'll double the offer!!! ...just pay for shipping and handling...
Post by: jchuzi on September 04, 2013, 05:52:35 AM
Post by: jchuzi on September 04, 2013, 01:21:39 PM
A lawyer had a very successful practice but he became a victim of his own success. He was working 18-hour days and never had time for himself or his family. The solution, he decided was to have a clone made of himself and have the clone handle the business while he relaxed.
The clone was a brilliant lawyer but had some really bad traits. He would swear at the clients, curse at the judges, and otherwise make himself totally objectionable. The business suffered and the lawyer (the original, not the clone) decided that he had to do something. He tied the clone up, dragged him to the top of a cliff, and threw him over. Naturally, the lawyer was arrested.
The charge? Making an obscene clone fall.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 04, 2013, 04:13:35 PM
Me and my big mouth!
Post by: jchuzi on September 06, 2013, 07:24:27 PM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly...
Post by: kimmer on September 06, 2013, 07:36:57 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 6 2013, 05:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly...
If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 06, 2013, 09:10:21 PM
Post by: jchuzi on September 07, 2013, 05:55:09 AM
And for those men who still think that they can rule, here's a story:
A man comes home and says to his wife, "I'm the man of the house and my word is LAW. Tonight, you will cook me a delicious gourmet meal. After supper, we're going to have sex MY way. And tomorrow, who do you think is going to bathe and dress me?"
His wife replied, "My best guess is the funeral director."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 08, 2013, 03:34:27 PM
I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit him.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 08, 2013, 03:41:24 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 6 2013, 07:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly...
If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly...
Post by: jchuzi on September 13, 2013, 07:01:18 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 14, 2013, 09:30:12 AM
Post by: jchuzi on September 14, 2013, 07:31:58 PM
A Czechoslovakian man goes hunting with a Russian buddy and they come across two bears. Unfortunately, the bears overpower the hunters but the Russian manages to escape while his pal is being eaten. He gets help and the posse comes across the two bears, a male and a female. One of the posse members asked the Russian, "Which one ate your friend?" The Russian pointed to the male.
Then, the men let the female go and killed the male. When they opened his stomach, they found nothing.
The moral of the story: Never believe ANYONE who tells you that the Czech is in the male.
Post by: kimmer on September 14, 2013, 08:42:39 PM
That is so bad I'm gonna share it.
Post by: jchuzi on September 15, 2013, 12:35:19 PM
Once upon a time, there was an Indian tribe with three couples. The first couple slept on a deer skin, the second on a bear skin, and the third on a hippopotamus skin. In due course, the women became pregnant and gave birth. The woman of the deer skin had a boy, as did the woman of the bear skin. The woman of the hippopotamus skin, in contrast had twin boys.
The moral of the story: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Post by: Highmac on September 26, 2013, 06:35:44 AM
The centipede sticks his head out of his box and shouts 'I heard you the first time, I was putting my bloody shoes on!'
Post by: jchuzi on September 26, 2013, 07:34:05 PM
The man dutifully followed the directions but to no avail. He phoned the shaman and said, "The thong is over but the malady lingers on."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 26, 2013, 10:18:49 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 09, 2013, 07:20:44 PM
An African tribal chief lived in a grass house and built a carefully-hidden storage facility ten feet up, near the roof. He used it to keep his valuable throne from being stolen. One night, as he was sleeping, the ceiling collapsed. The throne fell onto the chief's head and killed him.
The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Post by: jwboyd on October 09, 2013, 07:30:15 PM
Farmer has a friend who drops in unexpectedly for a visit. Friend sees the farmer hugging and kissing on one of his farm machines. Friend says "What are you doing?" Farmer says, "Well, my wife and I have not been getting along well recently, so I asked our marriage counselor what I should do, and he said, 'You need to do something sexy to a tractor.'"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 09, 2013, 10:29:57 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 12, 2013, 05:43:52 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Oct 9 2013, 11:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Is there some kind of Filter settings in the TS innards?
The filter doesn't work. Here's proof: A man was strolling the streets of Salt Lake City when he heard the most beautiful music coming from a church. He couldn't identify the instruments being played but the sounds were so haunting and ethereal that he went inside to find out for himself. To his surprise, he saw a group of people who were clearly intellectually challenged. Each had a pencil and an apple. The apples were of different sizes and had been hollowed out to produce a specific pitch. The performers tapped on their apples in sequences that produced melody.
He was taken aback and asked a nearby parishioner the identity of this group. The parishioner replied, "Have you never heard of the Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 12, 2013, 10:11:14 AM
I only hope we can get to the core of the problem before anything else spoils...
I may start by notifying a certain (ex) computer maker about the use of their Trademark without attribution! As is often said, "There's more than one way to skin an apple!"
Post by: kimmer on October 13, 2013, 07:09:09 PM
Local guy figures he'll have some fun and asks, "Don't you like oysters?"
Texan: "Son, I'm used to eatin' beef. Say you eat these things?"
Local guy: "Yeah, all the time. We grow them locally. All the real men around here eat oysters."
The Texan slides his plate over, and the local guy sprinkles hot sauce on the oysters and asks where the little fork is.
Texan hands him the fork, and the local guy zips through the plate of oysters and smugly says, "That's how you eat oysters."
Texan smiles and says, "That's just amazin'. I had those babies down 3 times and jest couldn't keep 'em there."
Post by: Highmac on October 17, 2013, 12:29:47 AM
The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
----------------------------------------------------
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
----------------------------------------------------
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Post by: Highmac on October 17, 2013, 03:28:30 AM
QUOTE
Though there is no way to default to off in your profile, there IS a 'button' to enable/disable the Search Panel just to the right of where it says 'Search Panel'. Unfortunately the colour of the text is black on a black background, so it is somewhat difficult to see.
Considered putting this in tech, but reckon it belongs here
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 17, 2013, 12:00:01 PM
QUOTE
Considered putting this in tech
Tough call! I have a Pages document that I re-use to create the cues for each service at church for use in the sound booth. Rather than creating and deleting some items that may not be needed each week, I simply change their line/background/text colors to white when they are not needed. They are still 'printed' but since the inkjet doesn't have white ink, they are "somewhat difficult to see." Even if I used black paper!
Post by: jchuzi on October 19, 2013, 07:02:48 PM
Forrest looks a tad worried but agrees. Saint Peter gives him the first question: "Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." Forrest gets a relieved expression on his face and mumbles that that doesn't sound too bad.
The second question: "How many seconds are there in a year?" Now, Forrest starts to get upset.
The third question: "What is God's real name?" At this point, Forrest seems about to give up but he agrees to a week's prep time.
After a week, he comes back looking very confident and declares that he's ready.
"OK" says St. Peter. "Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." Forrest replies, "Today and tomorrow." St. Peter says, "That's not quite what I had in mind but I'll give it to you. Now, tell me how many seconds there are in a year."
Forrest replies, "Twelve." St. Peter looks apoplectic and says, "How in the world did you get THAT?" Forrest says, "Simple. There's January second, February second, March second..." St. Peter seems relieved and says, "That's certainly original and I'll concede. But now, tell me God's real name."
Forrest confidently says, "Howard!" St. Peter is totally flummoxed and says, "HOWARD? HOW DID YOU GET HOWARD?" Forrest explained, "In the Lord's prayer, it says 'Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name'. St. Peter then gives a rueful smile and says, "Come on in, Forrest."
Post by: jchuzi on October 26, 2013, 02:41:20 PM
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!......
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Post by: kimmer on October 26, 2013, 05:51:23 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Oct 26 2013, 12:41 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 26, 2013, 06:15:15 PM
QUOTE
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...
I agree kimmer, the story goes downhill from there...
Post by: jchuzi on October 31, 2013, 02:14:05 PM
It is a little-known fact that the Mayo Clinic, located in Rochester MN, was originally in the nearby town of Peek-a-Boo and was called the Peek-a-Boo Health Center. The move and name change occurred after the receptionist in the Intensive Care Unit got tired of answering the phone by saying, "Peek-a-Boo ICU."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 31, 2013, 03:03:23 PM
LOW!
Might I suggest to quit while you're ...behind!
PUH-leeez!!! Besides, it's too late to get even rotten tomatoes down here... so I'm out of
Post by: RNKIII on October 31, 2013, 03:06:25 PM
Actually, the Brothers Mayo originally set up shop in LeSueur, MN about 60 miles WNW of Rochester. But Rochester had a better rail connection to bring in their patients from all over.
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 31, 2013, 03:08:20 PM
Post by: RNKIII on October 31, 2013, 03:27:24 PM
Peas, beans, corn, mushrooms, and asparagus...
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 31, 2013, 06:48:18 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 31, 2013, 07:06:12 PM
Adam was walking in the garden and came upon the Lord. Adam said, "I have many strange feelings that I do not understand". The Lord said, "I know exactly what is happening and I will create a companion for you".
God then created Eve and told Adam to enter a cave where she was staying. After about 30 minutes, Adam emerged and God asked, "How do you like her?" Adam replied, "She's really nice but I have one question...
What's a headache?"
Post by: RNKIII on October 31, 2013, 07:31:53 PM
Two can play at that game.
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 31, 2013, 09:42:35 PM
Post by: jchuzi on November 01, 2013, 05:50:21 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 01, 2013, 10:19:35 AM
QUOTE
my age has finally surpassed my IQ
I'm WAY ahead of you there! Surpassed my IQ several decades agoMy wife got this today! We may not all have children but we've all had Mothers:
- WHY GOD MADE MOTHERS:
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
- 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
- 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
- 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
- 1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
- 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
- 1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
- 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
- 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
- 1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
- 1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
- 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
- 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Post by: krissel on November 01, 2013, 11:01:29 PM
QUOTE(RNKIII @ Oct 31 2013, 04:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Actually, the Brothers Mayo originally set up shop in LeSueur, MN about 60 miles WNW of Rochester. But Rochester had a better rail connection to bring in their patients from all over.
Bob K. rnkiii
Bob K. rnkiii
Jon's puns have so infected my brain that I had to read Bob's post a few times to see that it wasn't a pun.
Thanks Jim for more proof of a mother's influence on the child, family and the world.
Post by: jchuzi on November 06, 2013, 07:01:48 PM
QUOTE(krissel)
Jon's puns have so infected my brain that I had to read Bob's post a few times to see that it wasn't a pun.
I was afraid that Krissel might be recovering so I think that I should provide another dose of infection:The word "thug" is derived from the Thugees, a sect in India that worshipped the goddess Kali and practiced human sacrifice. In time, they become more gentle and sacrificed a cantaloupe instead of a person. After piercing the cantaloupe with a sacred knife, they chanted the sacred chant:
"Here's another melon, Kali baby."
Post by: Highmac on November 07, 2013, 01:04:22 AM
Post by: Frances144 on November 07, 2013, 01:42:22 PM
Post by: jchuzi on November 08, 2013, 11:05:34 AM
The good doctor worked long hours and liked to relax at a local tavern with a daiquiri after a hard day at the hospital. The bartender knew when to expect him and always had the daiquiri ready. One day, the bartender ran out of lime juice and decided to substitute hickory nut oil, figuring that the doctor might not notice. He did, of course, and asked what was in the cocktail. The bartender had to admit his scheme and said,
"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Post by: RNKIII on November 08, 2013, 01:21:33 PM
Saw that one coming and was able to duck...
Bob K. Rnkiii
Post by: RNKIII on November 13, 2013, 06:21:46 PM
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall..
The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards
an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Bob K. Rnkiii
Post by: Paddy on November 14, 2013, 05:17:27 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNELBM8bPGE
God only knows what he's going to do with today's bombshells.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 14, 2013, 05:30:43 PM
Post by: Highmac on November 15, 2013, 08:04:15 AM
Today's BBC report
QUOTE
It was announced that Mr Ford and his brother, Councillor Doug Ford, would get their own TV talk show next Monday, entitled Ford Nation.
The deal with Sun News Network follows last week's cancellation of the brothers' popular weekly radio show with a local broadcaster.
The deal with Sun News Network follows last week's cancellation of the brothers' popular weekly radio show with a local broadcaster.
Guessing Sun News is desperate to increase its audience figures
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 15, 2013, 11:06:17 AM
I just deleted some very intelligent and cogent remarks that I'm sure would have been amusing and enlightening. OTOH, I probably would have been banned from TS... For life!
:dervish:
Post by: jchuzi on November 15, 2013, 11:54:00 AM
A woman loved jewelry but didn't have enough money to buy diamonds. She could afford Cubic Zirconium, however, which is a diamond look-alike. She also did many good deeds and, after her death, was canonized. She became known as:
St. Frances of a CZ.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 15, 2013, 01:08:05 PM
I need to czhech on how to set up a pole... without using a SCAM.
Post by: Paddy on November 15, 2013, 10:13:12 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Nov 15 2013, 01:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
This may be get me banned from TS for life:
A woman loved jewelry but didn't have enough money to buy diamonds. She could afford Cubic Zirconium, however, which is a diamond look-alike. She also did many good deeds and, after her death, was canonized. She became known as:
St. Frances of a CZ.
A woman loved jewelry but didn't have enough money to buy diamonds. She could afford Cubic Zirconium, however, which is a diamond look-alike. She also did many good deeds and, after her death, was canonized. She became known as:
St. Frances of a CZ.
Hah...a very American joke - it doesn't work so well in Canada and the UK.
After 16 years in the US and now 7 back here, I'm half way between zee and zed. Depends on the day...
My husband loves puns; you two would get along well. My 18-year-old son makes a great show of groaning and rolling his eyes at them...
Post by: krissel on November 17, 2013, 01:59:55 AM
http://ask.metafilter.com/105603/Witty-pun...cross-the-globe
Thought this one was funny:
QUOTE
Hmm...this makes me think of an anecdote my friend's French professor told her. Many Americans mis-pronounce the last syllable of "Merci Beaucoup" (Thank you very much) so that the "coup" sounds more like the Frnech "cul" (ass). So instead it comes out like "Merci beau cul" (Thanks, nice ass).
Post by: jchuzi on November 17, 2013, 05:37:17 AM
A birch tree and a beech tree had been neighbors for many years in the forest. One day, the birch noticed a young sapling growing in the glen between them. He called to the beech and said, "That's a fine young birch" The beech said, "No, it's a handsome young beech."
They couldn't settle the issue so they asked a woodpecker for his opinion. The beech said, "You are obviously a connoisseur of fine timber. Can you tell us which it is?"
The woodpecker proceeded to peck at the young sapling and said, "It's neither a son of a birch nor a son of a beech. But it is the best piece of ash that I've ever had."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 21, 2013, 11:43:13 AM
Nuts Tied to Lower Risk of Death
Apparently, lack of knowledge of the grammatical rules of the English language make a great headline writer!?
Post by: jchuzi on November 21, 2013, 01:47:50 PM
My local newspaper (which has chimpanzees doing the proofreading) published an article about the New York State Troopers being taught judo and karate. The headline said, "TROOPERS LEARN MARITAL ARTS". And this is how my tax dollars are spent...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 21, 2013, 02:59:38 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 24, 2013, 03:24:19 PM
QUOTE
The fortune teller
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She woman took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" ___________________________________
For some reason, women tend to like this joke.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She woman took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" ___________________________________
For some reason, women tend to like this joke.
Post by: jchuzi on November 24, 2013, 03:45:17 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 24, 2013, 03:47:41 PM
I just loaded mine with blanks! Can't be too safe.
Post by: sandyman on November 25, 2013, 08:37:57 AM
QUOTE(krissel @ Nov 17 2013, 07:59 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Got to thinking about puns in other languages and did a bit of searching. Aside from the obvious Wikepedia pages I came across this from a few years ago.
http://ask.metafilter.com/105603/Witty-pun...cross-the-globe
Thought this one was funny:
http://ask.metafilter.com/105603/Witty-pun...cross-the-globe
Thought this one was funny:
QUOTE
Hmm...this makes me think of an anecdote my friend's French professor told her. Many Americans mis-pronounce the last syllable of "Merci Beaucoup" (Thank you very much) so that the "coup" sounds more like the Frnech "cul" (ass). So instead it comes out like "Merci beau cul" (Thanks, nice ass).
Krissel,
Thanks for reminding me of that one. NOT!!!!!
It took me a long to manage to pronounce 'ou' as opposed to 'u' in French. It provided hours of entertainment for my french friends. My excuse was that it was all due to my Scottish accent
Sandy
Post by: jchuzi on November 25, 2013, 03:04:35 PM
A former colleague spent a weekend at a ski resort in Vermont and met an English girl. They shared drinks and decided to get together to ski on the morrow. As he and she were walking in different directions out of the bar, she called to him and asked, "What time will you knock me up tomorrow?" In England,the phrase to "knock up" someone simply means to call for that person.
Here's another one (also true and involving the same colleague):
He was visiting England and was dining with some English friends in a restaurant. One of his friends asked if he wanted more to eat and he replied, "No, thank you. I'm stuffed." He couldn't understand why there was a sudden silence in the restaurant. Someone had to explain that, in England, if you tell someone to get stuffed, it means the same as telling someone in the US to do something that is generally considered to be anatomically impossible.
Post by: jwboyd on November 25, 2013, 04:29:23 PM
Post by: jchuzi on November 25, 2013, 07:47:34 PM
For more info, visit this Wikipedia page. The relevant part reads:
It was originally sold as Buick Allure in Canada because "la crosse" means 'masturbation' (or 'swindle') in Quebec French slang. It was once Buick's best-selling vehicle in Canada until 2008, when the Enclave became the brand's best-seller (which it remains as of 2010).
Post by: krissel on November 25, 2013, 11:15:55 PM
http://www.carmagazine.co.uk/Community/Gal...sive-car-names/
Funny
http://editorial.autos.msn.com/worst-car-names-ever
My choice for favorite bad car name is the GM "Impact", a prototype electric car. Why didn't they just name it the "Crash"?
Post by: jwboyd on November 26, 2013, 10:31:54 AM
"Camaro" is similar to the Spanish word for "shrimp."
Post by: jchuzi on December 08, 2013, 08:09:43 PM
But when he asks, "How many people have sex once a year?", a man with an ear-to-ear grin raises his hand. A bit perplexed, the teacher asks, "If you have sex only once a year, why are you smiling?" The man replies, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 09, 2013, 12:28:07 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 09, 2013, 08:02:54 PM
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Post by: Highmac on December 11, 2013, 01:45:39 AM
I think there may have been a US version, but this is a compilation of the British ones. Stick around for the surprise ending
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 11, 2013, 11:08:54 AM
Apparently, the instant communications between two selfish idiots (OK, maybe one one self-centered jerk) is a much longer lasting situation than the 'BOOMbox' fad. Or maybe too many people were simply not strong enough to carry those things around.
How about making cell phones that become very hot after one minute of a conversation? No temperature changes from texting/emailing or surfing (but only with a headset connected, of course).
Post by: jchuzi on December 13, 2013, 07:31:51 PM
The Brooklyn Dodgers had a star pitcher named Milt Famey. During a World Series game against the Yankees, Famey had an exciting pitching duel with Whitey Ford, the Yankee pitcher. Going into the bottom of the ninth inning, with the Yankees at bat, the score was tied at 1-1. Famey struck out the first two batters and then, Casey Stengel (the Yankee manager) had a brainstorm. He told the next batter to put on a fake beard. The batter was skeptical, of course, but did as he was told.
Famey became rattled at the sight and walked the batter. Emboldened by the success of this ploy, Stengel had the next batter do the same, and Famey walked him too. Likewise, it happened with the third batter.
When the fourth batter came to the plate wearing the beard, Famey was so discombobulated that he pitched four balls in a row, walking in the winning run.
Naturally, there was pandemonium after the game. A reporter asked Stengel about the strategy and he replied, "It was the beard that made Milt Famey walk us."
(If I don't get a lump of coal in my Christmas stocking, Santa must be asleep at the reins.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 13, 2013, 07:50:47 PM
But I'd suggest Santa put it on you about as far away from where you'd put a stocking on your foot as possible...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 14, 2013, 01:39:18 PM
QUOTE
With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice white wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before ----- I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way home, there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without
incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice white wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before ----- I took a cab home.
Sure enough, on the way home, there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without
incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
Post by: sandyman on December 22, 2013, 09:02:21 AM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else
he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird
and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Sandy
Post by: jchuzi on December 22, 2013, 09:32:04 AM
Another parrot had a similar problem: He would spew profanities. His owner was quite distressed and took the parrot to a vet, who had a suggestion. As it turns out, the vet had a female parrot that prayed the rosary all day and seemed to be very devout. The vet suggested that they put the two birds together so that the good habits from the female could be picked up by the male.
In due course, the two parrots were put into the same cage. The male took one look at the female and immediately made a coarse, sexual suggestion. The female, shocked, dropped her rosary beads and said, "My prayers have been answered!"
Post by: kimmer on December 22, 2013, 12:48:16 PM
The Knight
Having travelled many miles at a very fast pace, a knight stopped at an inn hoping to exchange his horse for a fresh one, but the innkeeper sadly shook his head and pointed to what looked like an old St. Bernard ready to go to his maker.
"This is all I have with 4 feet, m'lord."
Sir Watchagot considers his options and says he'll take the dog.
"My Lord!", cries the innkeeper. "You wouldn't get one mile before the poor animal would keel over!"
"Nevertheless", said the knight. "My mission is such that I must get to the castle very quickly. Saddle him up for me!"
"My lord, please!", begged the inn keeper once more.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The Butcher Dance
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on native dances.
At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh, mate. You are crazy. How can you say you have filmed every native dance if you have not seen the Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroboree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No, no, not corroboree. The Butcher Dance is much more important than corroboree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out in the bush. It takes many days of travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree—biggest tree you ever see. Leave your car there because it is too rough to drive. Walk due west for 8 days and you will find the village where you can see the Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
Eight arduous days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. It's very bad that you came today. The Butcher Dance was last night. You are too late. You missed dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! The Butcher Dance very special. It is performed once a year. If it is performed more, the gods get very angry and destroy village! If you want see the Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it.
However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains made the first leg of the trip very slow going and what should have been 8 days of hiking turned into 14 days because of various storms, injuries and such.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about midday.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. The Butcher Dance is tonight. You came just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid.
As dusk falls, the natives start to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant.
Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief."You are the first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."
Post by: jchuzi on December 22, 2013, 12:57:37 PM
I'll have to think of something suitably bad...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 22, 2013, 03:15:09 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 22, 2013, 07:17:58 PM
The association of the word Noël with Christmas came from a misspelling. A somewhat dim-witted elf in Santa's workshop wrote the word "Christmals". Santa spotted this, of course, and told the wayward elf that Christmas has no L.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 22, 2013, 08:12:00 PM
I know you're trying, Jon... very trying...
Post by: Highmac on December 23, 2013, 12:24:16 AM
I'm off to put it on a UK forum.
Probably get banned
Post by: krissel on December 23, 2013, 01:34:38 AM
Post by: Highmac on December 23, 2013, 10:18:21 AM
Anyone know if TextEdit has a word counter? I couldn't find one.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 23, 2013, 02:29:34 PM
QUOTE
Anyone know if TextEdit has a word counter?
I think this needs to be moved to the Tech side... I also think this is called "Thread Hijacking!" But the answer, anyway:
Yes, Virginia, TextEdit has a 'word count' function, it is very easy to use. Simply add the following to every word you type:
- The "x" is a sequential number, starting at '1' and increasing by one as you type each word. You can use a macro app to automatically add "
- " (there is a 'space' character between the "]" and the ending quotation mark) whenever you type a space. The number you enter in after the last word will (magically!) be the count of words in your document!
If you don't want to manually insert the correct numbers, just leave the inserted text as "
- " and fo a Find when you are finished with your epistle. Insert that character combination in the 'Find' box and press Return. At the right-hand end of the search entry area will appear a number showing how many words you have typed, assuming you pasted/typed the "
- " after each word.
You're
NOTE: Do not use any other character combination! This function works only with the example above. If you don't believe me, that's your problem. I will not accept responsibility for any damage done by not following my precise instructions.
Post by: Highmac on December 24, 2013, 12:24:38 AM
Maybe I should have a word with your missus
Edit: Fair point about the question going in Tech
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 24, 2013, 09:31:13 AM
Of course, a hand is a bad place to keep time, it always slips through my fingers...
Post by: jchuzi on December 29, 2013, 01:18:47 PM
A pizzeria decided to have a publicity stunt by piling as many pies as it could in front of the store. When the pile got to about 10 feet, it started to cant at an impossible angle but it remained standing. The pile became a neighborhood sensation known as The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
(I made this one up rather than plagiarizing from someplace else. Does this mean that it qualifies as being home groan?)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 29, 2013, 04:32:49 PM
I hate to admit it, but your second attempt (line two) is much better. Puns, the shorter the better, make the best groaners, IMHO. I'll take back half of what I've said about you! I'll decide later, with a two-headed-coin toss, whether it's the good or bad half...
BTW, "cant" is a word I don't see often. Has some strange definitions, also!
Post by: kimmer on December 30, 2013, 01:35:18 PM
From Sneakers:
So this moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her.
Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter's eighteen and living with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 30, 2013, 02:13:25 PM
PS: I think Mac has been using Linux too much!!!
Doesn't he have some fishing to do? He needs to get out of the house!!! OTOH, warm cookies might help him.
Post by: jchuzi on December 30, 2013, 07:07:04 PM
Post by: Jack W on December 30, 2013, 07:21:56 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Dec 30 2013, 08:07 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Actually, the Mac is based on UNIX. This was invented by harem guards who had too much time on their hands.
I'm still trying to look for some subtle tidbit hiding in there.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 30, 2013, 08:52:34 PM
I think he's trying to say the Mac is older than we think. Of course, the "Mac" I was referring to is the better half of a particular family on the left coast who contributes some of our nicer banners!Personally, I think Jon should change his screen name to "groaner!" OTOH, that might have some unintended consequences and repercussions...
I'm just hoping we hear about a New Year's resolution by him concerning an abandonment of certain types of puns. At least there's hope?
Post by: jchuzi on December 31, 2013, 05:44:00 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 31, 2013, 09:09:50 AM
Happy New Year to ALL!!!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 04, 2014, 07:34:13 PM
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
Post by: jchuzi on January 05, 2014, 05:46:47 AM
Fritz Kreisler (violinist) and Sergei Rachmaninov (pianist) were two of the greatest musicians of the 19th and 20th centuries. They often collaborated in concert and the following anecdote is widely known among musicians, although Kreisler insisted that it never happened.
They were performing Beethoven's Sonata No. 9 (aka Kreutzer) and, during the first movement, Kreisler got lost. He started noodling (musicianspeak for faking). Rachmaninov instantly knew what was happening. Being of a devilish nature, he offered no help but started noodling also. As the two were improvising, Kreisler sidled over to Rachmaninov and whispered, "Where are we?" Rachmaninov replied, "Carnegie Hall."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 05, 2014, 09:39:07 AM
QUOTE
Where are we?
Or as we say at TS, check your prefs!OT: How do musicians pronounce "Carnegie"? As the family does or as many of the rest of us do?
just wondering. Many people ask how to pronounce my last name. There is an 'a' in there and some make it a 'hard' 'a' as in 'make.' Others, my family included, use the same sound as in 'chaff'. I usually tell people it took me over a year to get it after I was born, so they shouldn't worry about getting it 'right' for at least that long. The Carnegie Foundation supports a lot of Public Radio and TV. When the supporters are mention, verbally, they emphasize the first 'e' and pronounce it as a 'hard' 'a'. Most folks around here make that 'e' more as 'neh' or 'soft' vowel sound with no emphasis at all. Of course, Bostonians drop the 'r' completely...
Actually, Bostonians don't really discard those 'r' sounds, they just put them different places...
Post by: Highmac on January 05, 2014, 10:52:26 AM
Post by: jchuzi on January 05, 2014, 11:42:52 AM
A musician is scheduled to give a performance in that venerable auditorium and needs directions. He asks a passerby, "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" The answer, of course, is "Practice!"
As an aside, I actually did perform in Carnegie Hall when I was in high school. It was the annual concert given by the All City Orchestra. I still remember the thrill of being on that stage. I arrived before anyone else, stood at the same spot that Heifetz did when he gave his historic debut, and played a few notes. Somehow, I'm sure that it didn't sound the same...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 05, 2014, 01:36:44 PM
QUOTE
stood at the same spot that Heifetz did when he gave his historic debut, and played a few notes.
But, if no one was there, did it still make a sound? I "hear" that's why forests are so quiet; there's no one around to hear anything...
Post by: jwboyd on January 05, 2014, 02:50:35 PM
It was only a few bars, and on the front steps, when my son and I were touring Europe.
My theme song today (January 5, 2014) is "Oh, the weather outside is frightful." We have a foot of snow and high temps tomorrow are predicted to be below zero F.
Post by: jchuzi on January 05, 2014, 03:54:00 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jan 5 2014, 02:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE
stood at the same spot that Heifetz did when he gave his historic debut, and played a few notes.
But, if no one was there, did it still make a sound? I "hear" that's why forests are so quiet; there's no one around to hear anything... Post by: jchuzi on January 06, 2014, 07:18:10 PM
Consider these two statements:
Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.
The moral of this post is that commas save lives.
Post by: jwboyd on January 06, 2014, 07:36:16 PM
Whereupon the teacher wrote out this sentence: "The principal says the teacher is wrong." She handed it to the principal and said, "Put commas after 'principal' and 'teacher' and then tell me whether commas are important or not."
Edit: Please forgive the gender-biased assumption that a principal is always male and a teacher is always female. I know better, but that's the way I heard the story forty years ago.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 06, 2014, 08:18:45 PM
Post by: jchuzi on January 07, 2014, 05:02:23 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jan 6 2014, 09:18 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I, assume, you, have, both, read, the, book, "Eats, Shoots and Leaves"?
There's a joke about that. It involves a koala but I can't post it in a family-type forum. Suffice it to say that it is quite salacious in nature (and funny, of course). Post by: Highmac on January 07, 2014, 05:32:16 AM
Could we all please remember that this IS a family forum.
We all love a laugh but some recent offerings – no names
– have been a bit too near the knuckle.Thank you.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 07, 2014, 10:27:31 AM
I've again been 'educated' and 'encouraged' by one of our British cousins in the use of their native tongue. While we Yanks have done our best to correct the spelin' of several English words, the original users seem to have a knack of putting their words together in new and sometimes strange ways. It could be my sheltered, back-water upbringing but I was oblivious to the term "too near the knuckle." For the two or three visitors who might be similarly uneducated I'll supply three links that helped me understand the meaning. I'm sure all TS members were already aware of and understood, this term, of course.Frankly, my brain went directly to the main use of "knukle" in my history: It's the 'hand-shaped' fastener between two rail cars, at least in most of the world. My mind is a lot like the typical toy train set many see on Christmas morning; it runs in circles and never gets anywhere!
Post by: Highmac on January 07, 2014, 10:46:33 AM
There seem to be several ideas of its origin, but the most common seems to be a reference to butchers cutting too close to a joint in a carcase so the customer ends up with sinews in the meat. Still don't see how that turned into the meaning it has now
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jan 5 2014, 09:54 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And if a husband is alone in the forest and speaks, is he still wrong?
I have to ask: Is that a rhetorical question?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 07, 2014, 10:49:52 AM
QUOTE
Still don't see how that turned into the meaning it has now
That's the beauty, mystery and history of language! Magnified by time and not enough notes by users... many of whom can't even write, even if they had had an iPad!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 07, 2014, 02:49:50 PM
Post by: jchuzi on January 07, 2014, 06:45:12 PM
A limerick gets laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Post by: Highmac on January 08, 2014, 01:36:40 AM
There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses never would scan
When asked why this was
He said "It's because
I like to get as many words into the last line as i possibly can"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 08, 2014, 10:19:30 AM
Looks fine to me, Neil! At least it's not a 'groaner!'
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 10, 2014, 07:21:20 PM
· I tried to catch some fog but I mist.
·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
·At the hospital they told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
·A dyslexic man walks into a bra ..
·PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
·The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
·What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
·Broken pencils are pointless.
·What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
·Velcro - what a rip off!
·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
·Earthquake in Washington obviously the government's fault.
·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
"Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light."
Post by: RNKIII on January 10, 2014, 07:58:39 PM
I hear they can use it to thaw out fish ponds…Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 10, 2014, 08:13:23 PM
It's back to Bermuda shorts tomorrow! 54°F right now! I don't even know where my snow shovel is! 
Post by: RNKIII on January 10, 2014, 08:32:11 PM
Just don't teach it any bad warm weather habits,
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: jchuzi on January 13, 2014, 09:27:16 AM
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Post by: jchuzi on January 15, 2014, 08:30:46 AM
Post by: jchuzi on January 15, 2014, 07:25:24 PM
In time, God agrees to answer the man's questions.
Man: "Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God: "So that you would like them."
Man: "Why did you make women so cuddly?"
God: "So that you would like them."
Man: "Why did you make women so stupid?"
God: "So that they would like you."
For some reason, women seem to like this joke. It is a joke, isn't it?
(My wife is still laughing.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 16, 2014, 10:54:31 AM
, you must then hope she doesn't say, "<Nothing>."
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 20, 2014, 11:16:01 AM
60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
Reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... Yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
But his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked
Up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did
You say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
Post by: jchuzi on January 20, 2014, 11:24:51 AM
It is said that, as you get older, three things deteriorate. The first is your memory. (I forgot the other two.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 20, 2014, 04:47:45 PM
)
Post by: jchuzi on January 20, 2014, 07:20:45 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 20, 2014, 08:25:25 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jan 20 2014, 01:24 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I can certainly relate to that story, Tom.
It is said that, as you get older, three things deteriorate. The first is your memory. (I forgot the other two.)
It is said that, as you get older, three things deteriorate. The first is your memory. (I forgot the other two.)
One thing that didn't deteriorate as I got older was my eyesight. In my 20s my vision was 20/200 and my driver's license was restricted with vision correction for 60+ years. I recently renewed my driver's license and passed the vision test without glasses or contacts. Now, no restriction.
I wish the other things (whatever they are) that usually deteriorate would improve the same way.
Post by: jchuzi on January 21, 2014, 05:52:03 AM
I guess that's called leading with your chin. (Her vision is fine with corrective lenses.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 21, 2014, 03:21:58 PM
QUOTE
(Her vision is fine with corrective lenses.)
Which are, obviously, newer than your marriage...
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 21, 2014, 06:54:39 PM
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Post by: jchuzi on January 21, 2014, 07:20:14 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 22, 2014, 05:30:03 PM
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.
Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........
Post by: jchuzi on January 22, 2014, 07:06:20 PM
Post by: jchuzi on February 01, 2014, 05:36:43 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 01, 2014, 08:54:49 AM
Post by: RNKIII on February 01, 2014, 10:19:14 AM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 06, 2014, 04:05:38 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 07, 2014, 10:47:44 AM
Post by: krissel on February 07, 2014, 10:25:32 PM
Post by: Highmac on February 08, 2014, 04:12:26 AM
Got the distinct impression some people don't take scientific research nearly seriously enough
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 08, 2014, 09:43:25 AM
I mean, if you watched Walt Disney back in the '60's you know they can make almost anything look real! Then there was the movie, "2001"! Where do you thing the current video editing apps came from? They were developed, just like the Internet, by 'the government'!!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 10, 2014, 11:07:01 AM
Some of us are considering 'down-sizing' or maybe just remodeling our current bathrooms. I discovered a way you can save some money! Consider hiring a Combo-Tradesman! I found a combo plumber/electrician that I'm sure can cut the costs of these two trades. Here are two examples of his recent work:
Don't you hate it when the lights go out right in the middle of a shower?!
I don't know how many times I've forgot to turn on the lights...
Problem solved! Post by: RNKIII on February 10, 2014, 04:32:09 PM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: jchuzi on February 10, 2014, 06:35:02 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 13, 2014, 03:09:48 PM
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Post by: jchuzi on March 02, 2014, 07:29:13 PM
Benjamin Franklin's mother had two sisters who lived together for many years. They trained parrots to talk and then sold them to make their living. Gilbert and Sullivan knew about this and based one of their best operettas on the story, namely The Parrots Of Ben's Aunts.
Post by: RNKIII on March 02, 2014, 07:41:50 PM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 04, 2014, 11:34:51 AM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 04, 2014, 05:09:02 PM
So, go get a big cup of coffee (preferably DRM free) and watch this: <Daisy & Cooper Visit McDonalds> They look like two dogs, but one of them is a PIG!
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 08, 2014, 01:07:05 PM
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave... The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
PLEASE SCROLL DOWN
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'
Post by: jchuzi on March 08, 2014, 07:21:39 PM
I'll try to think of something worse...
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 08, 2014, 07:54:39 PM
Post by: jchuzi on March 08, 2014, 08:18:32 PM
Post by: jchuzi on March 09, 2014, 01:18:26 PM
One dark night, while looking for santuary, he knocked on the door of a sympathetic partisan and asked, "Can you cache a small Czech?".
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 11, 2014, 07:53:25 PM
[attachment=2970:20Jokes.jpg]
Are there any Intellectuals at TS that understand?
Post by: jchuzi on March 11, 2014, 08:07:36 PM
A sign was posted on the door to the physics lab. It said, "Heisenberg may have slept here."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 11, 2014, 08:18:42 PM
Only a computer nerd would "print" them as an image!
Post by: jchuzi on March 11, 2014, 08:26:46 PM
"Most of our problems in life are relative."
"Where there's a will, there's a relative."
And an Einsteinian limerick:
A young astronaut named Dwight,
Traveled faster than light.
He floated away
in a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
Post by: kimmer on March 11, 2014, 09:33:39 PM
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 12, 2014, 02:39:36 PM
QUOTE
he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
...so who preached at his funeral?!
Post by: jchuzi on March 12, 2014, 08:10:05 PM
A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him. Consequently, he hired a private detective to ferret out the truth. After several weeks, the detective gave his report.
"I followed your wife into a restaurant where she had dinner with a man. Afterwards, they went to his house. I watched them through the window and saw them kissing. Then, they proceeded to disrobe. At that point, the man closed the shades and I couldn't see anything more."
The husband thought for a moment and said, "That's the problem. There's always an element of doubt."
Post by: jchuzi on March 17, 2014, 07:13:25 PM
A man was driving his Honda Odyssey while listening to the radio. All of a sudden, reception became very sketchy for no apparent reason. He stopped at a nearby gas station and fiddled with the antenna, which solved the problem.
That night, he noticed a terrible rash on his private parts. Early the next morning, he saw his doctor. The good doctor took one look and told him to go the hospital immediately. The doctor said that it was the worst case of van aerial disease that he had ever seen.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 17, 2014, 08:30:21 PM
On second thought, I wouldn't want to inflict your "humour" on anyone... I guess I should congratulate you on sinking to a new low?!
I really didn't think that was possible!
Post by: kimmer on March 20, 2014, 11:16:28 PM
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
=-=-=-=-=-=
These next 2 groaners come to you courtesy of "Craig", who has a grand sense of humor and inspires Sneakers and I every time we meet him in the clinic.
Do you know why hippies have long hair?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They don't cut their hair.
=-=-=-=-=-=
Dr. Brown was a renowned geneticist. He was sure he was close to finding a way to clone humans, but his grant money was running out. Rather than lose all his research, he smuggled some samples home and secretly worked in his basement lab. Needing a subject to clone, he decided to try himself. After all, he was well educated, smart, handsome, polite and loads of fun to be around at parties -- and he'd never tell on himself for doing something illegal.
Dr. Brown's clone test was a huge success, but he needed to test his clone in a work environment. So on Monday he sent the clone off to the hospital lab. The clone returned home and said all had gone well. Dr. Brown decided that he'd go to the lab himself on Tuesday to see the reaction. His co-workers were polite, but a bit distant; but no one seemed to know they'd interacted with a clone the day before.
On Wednesday, Dr. Brown sent his clone back to the lab; and he himself returned on Thursday. Again he found his co-workers polite, but distant. Dr. Brown sent the clone to the lab on Friday, and was eager for the weekend to be over so he himself could back to the office and see the reaction. When Dr. Brown returned to the lab on Monday he found none of his co-workers would speak to him, and all his "patients" had cancelled their appointments with him and moved to other doctors. This was truly strange and Dr. Brown knew he had to get to the bottom of the mystery.
That night at home he asked his clone what was going on, and the clone said he didn't have a $%^(*& idea. Dr. Brown was shocked. When did his clone begin swearing? Dr. Brown never swore, after all it wasn't polite, and simply showed someone's lack of good language skills--and Dr. Brown was proud of both his good manners and exceptional language skills.
The next few days as Dr. Brown interacted with his clone, he found the clone using coarser language each day. Finally Dr. Brown himself returned to the lab and asked one of his co-workers why everyone was distancing themselves from him. The co-worker replied that his vile language was totally offensive and everyone was tired of listening to it, and objected to being called horrible names.
Dr. Brown apologized and said he'd been under a strain du to his grant money ending, and he would refrain from using such terrible language in the future.
When Dr. Brown returned home, he walked upstairs and called out to his clone. His clone met him at the top of the stairs and asked Dr. Brown what the #$%^&*( he wanted. Dr. Brown asked his clone if he'd been using that offensive language at the lab. The clone spewed a string of obscenities at Dr. Brown and said yes, and there wasn't anything Dr. Brown could do about it because he (the clone) enjoyed cussing and seeing everyone's reaction.
Dr. Brown was enraged and as the clone stepped down past him on the stairs, Dr. Brown shoved him with all his might. The clone tumbled and feel down dead at the bottom of the stairs.
Just then Dr. Brown's housekeeper walked in, saw the dead "doctor", saw the live doctor and fled from the house screaming, "The doctor's dead! The doctor's alive!" The police were called and when they arrived they saw both the dead doctor and the live doctor. They asked the live Dr. Brown what happened. Dr. Brown told them that he'd shoved the clone down the stairs. He also said it wasn't a crime because the clone wasn't a real person, there was no record of him anywhere, and after all if you tested, you'd only find Dr. Brown's DNA -- and how could you charge Dr. Brown with killing himself when he was alive and well?
The police were stumped, but they conferred amongst themselves hoping to find something to charge Dr. Brown with, rather than let him go free. Finally the Capt. came up with the answer and arrested Dr. Brown for …
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
making the first obscene clone fall.
Post by: sandyman on March 21, 2014, 09:52:49 AM
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn spellcheck! I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Sandy
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 27, 2014, 01:50:58 PM
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the
Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the
Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Post by: Highmac on April 30, 2014, 01:55:42 PM
Bugs Bunny...
Post by: jchuzi on April 30, 2014, 02:18:32 PM
A scientist crossed a crocodile and an abalone. He called it an abadile but skeptics called it a crocabalone.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 30, 2014, 02:38:41 PM
I don't know but I usually...
...and then I laugh!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 03, 2014, 05:25:27 PM
- Scientists find a winning strategy for rock-paper-scissors
<ars technica article> by Casey Johnston - May 1, 2014
QUOTE("theleeWise | Aged Ars Veteran")
I'm pretty sure this is what happens to me - I get paralyzed in a series of nested "if they do this, then I should do this, but if they know this, then they do this [etc]" recursions until I babble incoherently and end up throwing a losing hand more often than not.
Post by: jchuzi on May 04, 2014, 06:53:56 PM
The genie said, "Benny, you may have anything that you wish provided that you never shave again. If you do, you will turn into a giant urn."
Benny agreed and, as the years passed, he had every conceivable possession that anyone could desire. By that time, his beard reached to the floor. He decided that the genie was bluffing so he shaved the beard. Sure enough, he turned into a giant urn.
The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 06, 2014, 03:44:46 PM
For example, here's one of the scarier comments:QUOTE
Most people don't even know what sysadmins do, but trust me, if they all took a lunch break at the same time they wouldn't make it to the deli before you ran out of bullets protecting your canned goods from roving bands of mutants.
Or this:QUOTE
Not a single living person knows how everything in your five-year-old MacBook actually works. Why do we tell you to turn it off and on again? Because we don't have the slightest clue what's wrong with it, and it's really easy to induce coma in computers and have their built-in team of automatic doctors try to figure it out for us.
Post by: jwboyd on May 08, 2014, 11:49:50 AM
Two farm boys are talking with each other. One says, " Do you know where Moscow is?" Other says, "Yes, she's out in the pasture with Pa's cow."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 09, 2014, 09:14:22 AM
Maybe she didn't attend school there, either? Here are the funnier parts, thanks to Grammar!
QUOTE
Honey, I was forced to write to you on humanitarian ground.
First, I just melt when a stranger calls me "Honey"! Even more when they are standing on "humanitarian" ground.QUOTE
my husband died after a heart operation highways
I already know hospitals are dangerous places, apparently, highways are even worse!QUOTE
Before my husband died last year There is this $ 8.5 million U.S. dollars Uniform State, which he deposited in a local bank here in Lome-Togo.
A wise man, indeed! the description of the amount and the nationality of the money reminds me of the OS X naming "convention": "Oh Es Ten Ten dot ten"... QUOTE
Knowing my condition [she has liver cancer and had a 'stroke'] I decided to donate this fund to no good God fearing brother or sister
Funny how a little single letter word ("a") can drastically change the meaning of a sentence when it is converted to a two letter word ("no")!QUOTE
God bless you as you ad a voice of reasoning
Spell chequers don't help when you use real words that sound like the one you really needed... There are more examples but they are all so blatant it gets less and less humorous... I can imagine a room with dozens of people sitting at 20 year old hardware busily copying parts of sentences off a huge blackboard... Who knows, these things may even be part of an English language class in some actual school?! Too bad they don't have a literate teacher. The only good news about this SPAM is that it got labeled as such by Hostgator: "Subject: [SPAM] Hello Dear". Still have to manually train SpamSieve to recognize it...
Post by: jwboyd on May 09, 2014, 02:09:05 PM
Our church has hired a new office secretary (oops! "administrative assistant"). The first email she sent out to the entire mailing list contained this sentence: "Please bare with me while I am getting to know you better."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 09, 2014, 05:09:59 PM
That night I looked at the bulletin section that had the scripture listing for both services. To my mazement, the evening scripture was listed as "Corinthians..." No I or II! Just "Corinthians"! I thought I was joking that morning! All he could do was roll his eyes when I showed him the bulletin.
Post by: jchuzi on May 10, 2014, 07:38:38 PM
Months went by and nothing untoward happened. Reasoning that he was entitled to a break, the guard slipped out for coffee. When he returned, the Shan was writhing on the ground and the place was in pandemonium. He asked a passerby what had happened, and the passerby replied, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"
Post by: jchuzi on May 12, 2014, 07:09:32 PM
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to SundaySchool' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 13, 2014, 08:26:31 AM
Unfortunately, I'm one of those imperfect "people". I have heard/read the one line sermon/lesson, more than once, that asks, "If you were on trial for being a Christian, would you be convicted?"
Then, there's the slightly less known, "You can't tell a book by it's bumper stickers."
Post by: jchuzi on May 13, 2014, 01:16:54 PM
Post by: jchuzi on May 15, 2014, 12:00:44 PM
1. There will never be a winner in the war between the sexes because there is too much fraternization with the enemy.
2. When a man gives flowers to a woman for no reason, there's a reason...
3. Never feel guilty because you have thought ill of your wife. She has thought much worse of you.
Post by: jchuzi on May 17, 2014, 03:19:10 PM
I deeply regret all the mistakes that I made when I was young.
I regret even more the mistakes that I didn't make.
Post by: Jack W on May 23, 2014, 09:07:21 AM
After a while, one looked at the other and said, 'From listening to ya, I can't help but think you're from Ireland ..'
The other woman responded, proudly, 'I surely am!
The first one said, 'So am I! And where bouts in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answered, 'I'm from Dublin. '
The first one responded, 'So, am I!! And what street did ya live on in Dublin?'
The other woman said, 'A loovely little area in the west end; Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one said, 'Faith and begorrah, it's a small world! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answered, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary.'
The first one got really excited then and said, 'So did I! So did I! What year did you graduate?'
The other woman answered, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'The first woman exclaimed, 'Good Lord! I can hardly believe the luck of us winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'
About this time, a regular, Michael, walked into the bar, sat down and ordered a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walked over to Michael shaking his head and muttering, 'It's going to be a long night, Michael!'
Michael asked, 'And why's that, Brian?'
-
-
-
-
-
-
--
-
-
Brian answered, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 23, 2014, 09:03:13 PM
Post by: jchuzi on May 24, 2014, 05:42:28 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 24, 2014, 08:59:55 AM
QUOTE
This humor thread is getting too big...We should all exercise a bit of mirth control.
I totally agree! Please practice safe posting!note to Admins: What happened to the "pun" rejection code?!
Post by: jchuzi on May 24, 2014, 01:22:37 PM
Post by: jchuzi on May 27, 2014, 03:34:24 PM
I may, finally, get a cell phone. I intend to use it only for emergencies so I don't need a smart phone. I'm also old enough to prefer actual conversation to typing a response. So, I guess that I'm a fan of oral text.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 27, 2014, 05:03:23 PM
- Who let you out of your room?!
Post by: kimmer on May 27, 2014, 09:07:08 PM
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 13, 2014, 06:47:54 PM
Every computer and person I know of with that name is superior!
Post by: kimmer on June 24, 2014, 07:48:08 PM
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Post by: kimmer on June 25, 2014, 10:47:56 PM
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
-=-=-=-=-
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
Post by: RNKIII on July 01, 2014, 10:04:44 AM
"Sweet dreams are made of cheese,
But who am I to dis a Brie."
Bob K. rnkiii
Apologies to Annie Lennox...
Post by: jchuzi on July 01, 2014, 11:35:19 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 01, 2014, 04:23:50 PM
Post by: kimmer on July 05, 2014, 01:49:48 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 05, 2014, 02:07:44 PM
I'm going to call my Congressman... as soon as I can find one that is smart enough to answer a phone... and is not a chicken to stand up to attacks on...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 10, 2014, 05:56:32 PM
QUOTE
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
Post by: kimmer on July 10, 2014, 08:15:22 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 10 2014, 03:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Got text of a Phishing email from RHP a couple of days ago. Might be on the lookout for this in your own mailboxes!
QUOTE
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
Nooooooooo!!!! Now I have to put up with soccer humor?!?!?!?!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 12, 2014, 05:46:42 PM
Corporate rule #1:"Eveything muss auf einer Palette sein!"
Efficiency expert:"Warum bekommen wir so wenige Pakete in einem Container?"
Post by: jchuzi on July 13, 2014, 12:04:54 PM
He lined them up and said, "I vill count to three und then you vill svay from side to side and say 'tick, tock'. Ein, zwei, drei, BEGIN!"
All the prisoners complied except that American soldier who, in the spirit of rebellion, said "tick, tick". The commandant heard him and screamed, "YOU IN ZE BACK! Ve have vays to make you tock".
Post by: Highmac on July 13, 2014, 01:07:45 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 12 2014, 11:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Efficiency expert:"Warum bekommen wir so wenige Pakete in einem Container?"
I just got round to asking Google to translate it for me.....
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 13, 2014, 02:00:48 PM
- Exercise 1
- 1. Create a list of 10 - 12 languages (try to gather from as many different roots as possible)
2. Enter a sentence in language 1 asking for a translation in the next language.
3. Take the output from the previous step and ask for output in that language+1.
4. Repeat step 3 until the last language is the original.
- Perform Exercise 1 using a different translation service at each repetition of step 3.
For extra credit, instead of using the web, get 10 - 12 native speakers of the languages. Caution: Do not attempt this experiment in a pub! Especially with speakers from opponents in any recent soccer tournaments!
Note to a certain TS member: "Groaner" is not a language!
Post by: jchuzi on July 13, 2014, 03:16:32 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 13 2014, 03:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Note to a certain TS member: "Groaner" is not a language!
I beg to disagree. I happen to be fluent in that language. I'm already considered a master of Pig Latin...Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 21, 2014, 09:57:18 AM
Ron Chestna was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
Post by: kimmer on July 24, 2014, 02:05:07 PM
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now ...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 24, 2014, 03:00:05 PM
Now, don't do that, again!!
Post by: jchuzi on July 24, 2014, 08:12:27 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 24 2014, 04:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If we had one at TS, I'd send YOU to the principle's office!!!
Now, don't do that, again!!
Jim, YOU should go to the principal's office. He might teach you the principles of spelling. Now, don't do that, again!!
Post by: kimmer on July 24, 2014, 08:42:50 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jul 24 2014, 06:12 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jul 24 2014, 04:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If we had one at TS, I'd send YOU to the principle's office!!!
Now, don't do that, again!!
Jim, YOU should go to the principal's office. He might teach you the principles of spelling. Now, don't do that, again!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 24, 2014, 09:01:52 PM
Post by: kimmer on July 31, 2014, 02:09:29 PM
- Why does rain drop but snow fall?
- What disease did cured ham have?
- What's the difference between unique and very unique?
- We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
- Can you cry under water?
- Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
- When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?
- Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
- Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
- Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
- Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
- Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Post by: jchuzi on August 19, 2014, 07:47:05 AM
Post by: kimmer on August 19, 2014, 06:51:18 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Aug 19 2014, 05:47 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I have to confess to a heinous crime. This morning, I stuck a knife in my bowl of granola and twisted. I guess that this makes me a cereal killer.
Post by: kimmer on August 19, 2014, 07:53:34 PM
The Englishman refused to drink his and ordered another.
The Irishman blew the fly away in a cloud of froth, and carried on drinking.
The Scotsman carefully lifted the fly out by its wings and held it over his glass. “Go on!”, he said. “Spit it out, ya wee bugger!”
-=-=-=-
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"
-=-=-=-
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The Rabbi stops and says, "Wait a minute! I'm in the wrong joke here!"
Post by: jchuzi on August 20, 2014, 05:58:45 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 26, 2014, 07:11:20 PM
A policeman stops a driver and asks to see her license. He notices that she is not wearing glasses and says, "According to your license, you have to wear corrective lenses". She replies, "I have contacts."
His rejoinder? "I don't care who you know; you're getting a ticket."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 27, 2014, 03:45:40 PM
Maybe you'd better call for reinforcements from your contacts... or put your glasses back on!
BTW, what color hair did that lady have...
Post by: jchuzi on August 27, 2014, 06:41:03 PM
Post by: kimmer on August 27, 2014, 11:56:38 PM
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. The one turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victorys. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 28, 2014, 10:08:02 AM
kimmer, as a comedian, you make a great tech repair person!
OTOH, you are certainly giving jon some stiff competition in the Groaner Championship!
Post by: jchuzi on August 28, 2014, 01:51:52 PM
I know, the competition is getting to me. Kimmer is a worthy opponent and I live for Jim's groans.
Post by: kimmer on August 29, 2014, 08:41:30 PM
Post by: jchuzi on August 30, 2014, 05:51:52 AM
Post by: kimmer on August 30, 2014, 11:02:17 AM
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 30, 2014, 11:05:11 AM
Post by: kimmer on September 02, 2014, 10:12:39 PM
"He's not for sale." Says the store owner.
"That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him."
The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal."
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it."
The store owner says " No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"
Post by: kimmer on September 04, 2014, 05:01:58 PM
An undertaker can be one of your best friends, he is always the last one to let you down.
My mom ran out of poultry seasoning so she winged it.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
The Mafia decided to include beauty salons in their business and started a campaign of blacknailing.
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Post by: jchuzi on September 04, 2014, 07:00:49 PM
Here's another:
A man walks into a bar with a talking bird perched on his shoulder. The man orders a beer and so does the bird. The bartender, however, says, "We don't serve mynahs".
Post by: jchuzi on September 05, 2014, 08:03:12 AM
Post by: kimmer on September 05, 2014, 11:32:03 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 4 2014, 05:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Well done, Kimmer! Your list of puns is sure to annoy Jim (which is one of my favorite activities).
Here's another:
A man walks into a bar with a talking bird perched on his shoulder. The man orders a beer and so does the bird. The bartender, however, says, "We don't serve mynahs".
Here's another:
A man walks into a bar with a talking bird perched on his shoulder. The man orders a beer and so does the bird. The bartender, however, says, "We don't serve mynahs".
speaking of birds ...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Remember how mom enjoyed reading those romance novels? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire collection of Harlequin romance novels. It took a bird trainer 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the book title, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent a letter to each son. "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 06, 2014, 09:42:26 AM
Just don't quit your 'day job'.
Oh! Wait! I think I see the problem!
Uhmn... does that local paper have a Help Wanted section?
Post by: kimmer on September 06, 2014, 02:57:29 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 06, 2014, 05:21:16 PM
Post by: kimmer on September 11, 2014, 09:59:50 PM
(edited to correct spelling, although my misspelled word was funny in its own way.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 12, 2014, 10:06:48 AM
QUOTE
2. Removal of Inactive Old Themes and Plugins
WordPress Themes and plugins that are sully installed over the website must be checked for current, inactive or old versions to maintain security risks.
Here's some text from a post by a youngster trying to fix an HP PC:WordPress Themes and plugins that are sully installed over the website must be checked for current, inactive or old versions to maintain security risks.
QUOTE
I have attempted to start the machine in safe mode, but I get a "System is not sully installed, please run setup again" Message.
Perhaps you had in mind the method used in this Salt Lake Tribune, August 16, 1931 ad?QUOTE
1 Westlnsbouse electric tnd coal combination, large full automatic flavor zone oven, all-gray porcelain. like new. Regular price 5265, now Sully Installed
I can only assume that "Westinsbouse" was the former name of "Westinghouse"? OTOH, they always say, "If you have to explain the punch line, the jokes on the hearer!" OK, they don't always say that, but often enough...
Post by: kimmer on September 12, 2014, 11:40:43 PM
toes by MrsMac1974, on Flickr
cut by MrsMac1974, on Flickr
Post by: jchuzi on September 16, 2014, 08:09:46 AM
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Post by: gunug on September 17, 2014, 12:38:44 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHFKyuu6clg
Technology can be very funny!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 17, 2014, 04:02:11 PM
Many of these often too short talks are funny and if you're not careful, you might even learn something!
Post by: kimmer on September 17, 2014, 09:48:35 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 17, 2014, 10:16:35 PM
Post by: kimmer on September 17, 2014, 11:42:28 PM
Post by: jchuzi on September 18, 2014, 06:03:12 AM
QUOTE(kimmer @ Sep 18 2014, 12:42 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I share groaner puns, or so I’ve been toad.
Someone thought that I was telling the truth about toads and frogs but I had to 'fess up. I admitted that amphibian.Post by: gunug on September 19, 2014, 02:13:16 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 19, 2014, 05:21:07 PM
Post by: kimmer on September 19, 2014, 09:37:45 PM
[attachment=3059:powerjoke.jpg]
Post by: jchuzi on September 20, 2014, 06:03:22 AM
Post by: sandyman on September 20, 2014, 07:49:19 AM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 20 2014, 12:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ohm my! I'm revolted! I'll try to develop some resistance to those puns. Not to worry, I'll put no impedance in your way. I amp sure that my capacity to accept this stuff will improve.
You're a bit of a bright spark
Post by: kimmer on September 20, 2014, 01:14:00 PM
QUOTE(sandyman @ Sep 20 2014, 05:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Sep 20 2014, 12:03 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ohm my! I'm revolted! I'll try to develop some resistance to those puns. Not to worry, I'll put no impedance in your way. I amp sure that my capacity to accept this stuff will improve.
You're a bit of a bright spark
To both of you:
You light up my life.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 20, 2014, 03:24:38 PM
Absolutely shocking behavior by "adults"!
Post by: jwboyd on September 20, 2014, 03:26:11 PM
AB C D QTT
M N O QTT
O S A R C M AB
O I C M S A R
Admins: I meant this to go in the humor thread. Please put it there. Thanks!
Your slightest wish...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 20, 2014, 03:43:58 PM
Anyway, if you'll give me a bit more thyme, I may be able to also say, "O I C"!
Post by: jchuzi on September 20, 2014, 06:55:18 PM
In due course, they got together at the rabbi's house. The priest sported a broken arm and the others asked what happened. He replied, "I found a bear and wrestled with him briefly until I had a chance to pour holy water on him. Consequently, he accepted Jesus as his savior."
The minister had two broken arms and said, "I came across a bear and we wrestled up and down a hill until I dunked him in a stream. He then accepted Jesus as his savior."
The rabbi was in the worst shape of all. He had two broken arms and two broken legs, not to mention fractured ribs. He said, "I wasn't as successful as the two of you. In retrospect, it might not have been best to start with circumcision..."
Post by: kimmer on September 24, 2014, 12:37:29 AM
Post by: kimmer on October 02, 2014, 10:01:06 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 08, 2014, 04:36:45 PM
- Orders a beer.
Orders 999999999 beers.
Orders a lizard.
Orders -1 beers.
Orders a sfdeljknesv.
Post by: kimmer on October 08, 2014, 07:39:25 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 11, 2014, 08:26:29 AM
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ........ "Ministers Do More Than Lay People"
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary..
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...
Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 11, 2014, 09:48:04 AM
Post by: kimmer on October 11, 2014, 01:05:21 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Oct 11 2014, 06:26 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Me!
Post by: kimmer on October 14, 2014, 09:28:56 PM
Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk.
Because the egg cracked a yolk.
Post by: jchuzi on October 15, 2014, 06:13:27 AM
Planned Parenthood
Entrance in Rear
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 15, 2014, 09:13:06 AM
Post by: kimmer on October 15, 2014, 01:31:31 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 15, 2014, 01:34:29 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 15, 2014, 07:06:37 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 29, 2014, 11:40:56 AM
Proving, once again, that eye-witnesses are the worst kind! OTOH, maybe we don't know as much about why we like things as we think. Maybe we don't even know how much our brain behaves when it takes in bad information.
Post by: jchuzi on October 31, 2014, 07:19:49 PM
A group of friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal is to transcend dental medication.
Post by: Jack W on October 31, 2014, 08:50:43 PM
You asked for it:
You're welcome/
Jack
Post by: jchuzi on November 02, 2014, 09:01:57 AM
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. By God , I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum....
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Post by: jchuzi on November 12, 2014, 06:56:23 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver)
I suppose "pretty sure" is sufficient for you. That's simply not the way we work in a cockpit. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're landing at the correct airport."
Reminds of me of a joke (what doesn't?). A rather dense pilot and his even stupider copilot are attempting a landing. The pilot says, "I have experience at this airport. The runways are extremely short so we'll have to reverse engines as soon as we touch down and stand on the brakes". They do exactly as the pilot says and stop just at the edge of the tarmac.
The copilot looks from side to side and says, "You're right. This is the shortest runway that I've ever seen but, man, is it wide!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 13, 2014, 10:18:18 AM
Post by: jchuzi on December 22, 2014, 06:44:13 PM
The man replies, "I certainly do. Five years ago, a trooper ran off with my wife. I thought that you were the one and I was afraid that you wanted to give her back."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 23, 2014, 09:57:58 AM
Same type of car. Same color car. Same kind of lights. Makes sense to me! What's the joke?
Post by: jchuzi on December 27, 2014, 12:47:58 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 27, 2014, 02:43:05 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 28, 2014, 06:51:27 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 27 2014, 03:43 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think you've set a new low for "bars"!
Maybe my humor is in limbo? Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 28, 2014, 08:21:43 PM
Post by: jchuzi on January 20, 2015, 01:36:10 PM
Post by: kimmer on January 20, 2015, 08:01:45 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jan 20 2015, 11:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Beware of a new terrorist! He specializes in exploding kitchen tiles, and goes under the name of Linoleum Blownapart.
This is sooooo bad. I think I'll share it.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 21, 2015, 03:52:56 PM
Post by: jchuzi on January 21, 2015, 07:19:17 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jan 21 2015, 04:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
PLEASE! Do not feed the animals!!
From the animal (and proud of it!):A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me.."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS."
For some reason, my wife likes the following one:
Why did God create man before he created woman? Because it is always necessary to produce a rough draft before you get a masterpiece.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 22, 2015, 10:06:34 AM
I rest my case!!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 22, 2015, 07:41:43 PM
Note: This is a true story told to me, privately, by a mutual friend of Jon and me. She asked not to be named.. or maybe it was not to name Jon... I forget... anyway, here's the true story:
QUOTE
As a bagpiper, Jon played many gigs. Recently Jon was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As Jon was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.
Jon finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Jon didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. Jon played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.
And as Jon played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished, Jon packed up my bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head was hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to my car, Jon heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, Jon is still lost... it's a man thing.
I understand that Jon no longer plays bagpipes... at least at funerals. We should be thankful for even little things! As Jon was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.
Jon finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Jon didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. Jon played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.
And as Jon played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished, Jon packed up my bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head was hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to my car, Jon heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, Jon is still lost... it's a man thing.
Post by: jchuzi on January 23, 2015, 04:55:54 AM
For better or worse, this being a family-type website, I won't post a really naughty joke involving a man who walks into a bar, an octopus, and bagpipes...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 23, 2015, 10:15:53 AM
Post by: jchuzi on January 27, 2015, 11:56:55 AM
BOSTON--"A Foreign Rodent is on the loose. Claiming responsibility for taking the wind out of the recent storm and also for sneaking into the New England Patriots supply room, the notorious Deflater Mouse has struck again!"
Post by: jchuzi on February 02, 2015, 06:29:34 PM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
(Advise me about this one. When I told it to my wife, she gave me a strange look and then laughed hysterically. Should I be concerned?)
Post by: krissel on February 03, 2015, 12:17:49 AM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Feb 2 2015, 07:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
(Advise me about this one. When I told it to my wife, she gave me a strange look and then laughed hysterically. Should I be concerned?)
Not if you bolt all the chairs to the floor.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 03, 2015, 09:06:41 AM
BTW, the CIA is probably the most secure place on the planet, at least if one enters by the front door. Judy "had to buy" a small purse before she left so she could take the few items you are allowed to carry into the buildings! OTOH, I didn't actually see a list from the CIA about this.
Judy said if she let me see the official letter, she'd have to shoot me. *DAR = Daughters of the American Revolution
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 09, 2015, 05:26:57 PM
QUOTE
Jim
A small boy named Jim lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia .
None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Jim".
One day Jim's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
Her face then started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Jim, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!
A small boy named Jim lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia .
None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Jim".
One day Jim's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
Her face then started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Jim, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!
Don't tell me you thought Jim became a heart-surgeon?!!!
Post by: jchuzi on February 10, 2015, 07:26:57 PM
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
(And my wife says, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.")
Post by: jchuzi on February 13, 2015, 07:27:53 PM
Post by: jwboyd on March 04, 2015, 01:31:44 PM
I got a BANG out of this
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 04, 2015, 01:57:36 PM
Post by: RNKIII on March 13, 2015, 07:46:54 PM
Ode to the Spellchecker
Eye have a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four mi revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write
It shows me straight a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore too long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lee ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
I’m shore your pleased to no
Its ladder perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
--sauce unknown--
Post by: jchuzi on March 14, 2015, 06:37:41 AM
"If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists testicles are an aphrodisiac, in 10 years they could be extinct ... "
Post by: jchuzi on March 14, 2015, 06:56:16 PM
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”
Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.’
You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "
Post by: Jack W on March 22, 2015, 05:21:41 PM
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”
"Yes?”
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
"Have you arrested the woman?”
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 23, 2015, 05:10:48 PM
Anyway, I got this from a friend and thought, at least, the men here would appreciate it.No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”
Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’
And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'Completely finished.'”
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
Post by: kimmer on March 23, 2015, 07:01:54 PM
QUOTE
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
And had me laughing right out loud! Funny joke!
Post by: jchuzi on March 23, 2015, 07:28:02 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 07, 2015, 01:33:30 PM
orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both overseas somewhere. When we
all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together, so I'm drinking one beer for each of my
brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
Post by: jchuzi on April 07, 2015, 07:24:36 PM
A wise person once said.
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Hansa, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit... A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Post by: jchuzi on April 08, 2015, 08:34:15 AM
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
Post by: jchuzi on April 11, 2015, 11:11:55 AM
I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cellphones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Birds of a feather flock together and then go on your car.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Post by: RNKIII on April 11, 2015, 01:35:06 PM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 11, 2015, 04:57:02 PM
Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex? It goes like this: "One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday. But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then, I said, "You don't understand. She's a dog." He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, "You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the Minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life. "After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said.
"Every room in the hotel was for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, "Me too." "Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said "Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely," I told him. He said, "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. You should get a dog."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 14, 2015, 03:55:30 PM
QUOTE
Of all the bugs in Yosemite, we get "10.10.3: Now with more Emojis!!!1!!"
Post by: jchuzi on April 21, 2015, 08:15:52 AM
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don't have white hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
Post by: kimmer on April 21, 2015, 05:27:19 PM
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
16. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Post by: jchuzi on April 21, 2015, 06:55:33 PM
QUOTE(kimmer)
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
Post by: jchuzi on April 26, 2015, 12:09:19 PM
"So, there's intelligent life?," asked the second.
"I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."
Post by: jchuzi on April 27, 2015, 07:17:39 PM
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 27, 2015, 07:29:05 PM
Post by: jchuzi on April 30, 2015, 07:35:36 PM
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy these quips. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one liners' from the man who was known for his clean humor.
I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. . .
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always.'
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't want to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 30, 2015, 08:11:14 PM
Post by: kimmer on May 01, 2015, 05:03:51 PM
The Basement
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now, all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on and he was here.
One morning I flicked the switch and nothing happened. I did it several more times.
"I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."
Need a Pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
Post by: kimmer on May 04, 2015, 05:06:54 PM
A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them.
Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.
The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat.
After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."
Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat.
Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.
"What are you doing"? The farmer asked.
The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."
Post by: jchuzi on May 04, 2015, 06:55:54 PM
Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?"
Man: "Is it because my license is suspended?"
Cop: "No, that's not it."
Man: "Is it because I just had two martinis?"
Cop: "No, that's not it either."
Man: "Maybe it's because there's a dead body in the trunk."
Upon hearing this, the cop called for backup. Another cop came along, sirens blaring, and spoke to the driver.
Cop: "I understand that your license is suspended."
Man: "Not at all." He shows him his perfectly valid license.
Cop: "I've been told that you were drinking."
Man: "No, I haven't. Give me a breathalyzer test." He passed with flying colors.
Cop: "What about the body in the trunk?"
Man: "Are you kidding? There is no body in the trunk." The copped looked, and, sure enough, there was nothing there.
The man then said, "I bet that other SOB cop also told you that I was speeding!"
Post by: kimmer on May 15, 2015, 12:40:30 PM
Post by: jchuzi on May 15, 2015, 06:21:14 PM
QUOTE(kimmer @ May 15 2015, 01:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Did you hear about the fellow who was recently crushed by a pile of books? He’s only got his shelf to blame.
Ouch! Groan! I love it!Post by: Highmac on May 17, 2015, 10:00:48 AM
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
'Ah! So sorry,'says the waiter.
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 17, 2015, 04:49:17 PM
Post by: Highmac on May 20, 2015, 03:33:48 AM
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on May 24, 2015, 12:20:38 PM
Judge Asks Woman Why She Wants A Divorce.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”
Post by: kimmer on May 27, 2015, 02:35:57 PM
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Potholes all over Australia.
Post by: kimmer on June 08, 2015, 08:18:30 PM
Winnie the phew!
What do you get when you cross a parrot & a centipede?
A walkie-talkie!
What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
A 6 foot toothbrush.
What do you get when you cross a baby goat with a hedgehog?
A stuck-up kid
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
Frostbite
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!
What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out a night!
What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A cat-a-logue!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A sourpuss!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A peeping tom!
What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
Santa Claws!
What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A Peking Tom!
What do you get if cross a Termite with a Dinosaur?
Dino-mite!
What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Cow?
A Turtle-Neck Jersey
What do you get if cross a Turkey with a Octopus?
Enough Drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving
What do you get if cross a Food Processor with a Word Processor?
Minced Words
What do you get when you cross oatmeal & ducks?
Quacker oatmeal!
What do you get when you cross a wolf and an egg?
A very hairy omelette!
What do you get when you cross a bank with a skunk?
Dollars and scents!
What do you get when you cross a Mustang and an elephant?
A convertible with a big trunk!
What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck!
What do you get when you cross a cheetah & a hamburger?
Fast Food!
What do you get when you cross a T-Rex with a dog?
Something that drinks out of any toilet it wants to!
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee Bah-Humbug
What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a computer?
A hairy reasoner.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a lion?
I don't know, but when it speaks you better listen. Q:
What do you get when you cross a ghost and a couple of bees?
A: boobies
What do you get if you cross a daffodil with a crocodile?
I don't know but I wouldn't try sniffing it!
What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
Ten feet of barbed wire.
What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockapoodledoo!
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
What do you get when you cross the worlds best fairy tale teller and the worlds worst mammal A Whale of a Tale
What do you get when you cross a blue cat and a red parrot?
A purple carrot!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: A bird that talks your ear off!
What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake ?
A: A sing-a-long!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo & a sheep?
A wooly jumper!
What do you get when you cross a cat, a dog, and an A+?
A: Paws-itively purrr-fect!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer!
What do you get when you cross a bat and a bell?
A dingbat!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a bunch of daisies?
Collie flowers.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino!
What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!
What do you get when you cross a strawberry with a road?
A traffic jam!
What do you get when you cross a lizard and a baby?
A creepy crawler!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 08, 2015, 08:37:50 PM
Post by: Highmac on June 09, 2015, 01:14:36 PM
Post by: jchuzi on June 09, 2015, 01:59:11 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jun 9 2015, 02:14 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Experience suggests that it's never a good idea to cross a lady...
Excellent advice. Here's another:Never win an argument with your wife. That's the start of a new argument.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 09, 2015, 01:59:54 PM
Post by: jchuzi on June 09, 2015, 07:30:46 PM
Post by: kimmer on June 09, 2015, 07:45:12 PM
What kind of birds always stick together?
Vel-Crows
What do you call a camel with no humps?
Humphrey!
Post by: kimmer on June 09, 2015, 08:10:53 PM
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside.
What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
Dino-Mite!
What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!
Post by: Highmac on June 10, 2015, 02:06:15 AM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jun 10 2015, 01:30 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
As my wife is fond of telling me, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
One of my Dad's favourite quips to visitors was: "I'm the boss in this house... And I have my wife's permission to say so..."
_____________________________________________
And, continuing Kimmer's theme, here are most of the entries in the Daily Telegraph list of "printable" Christmas cracker jokes:
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?
25. There’s "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep losing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward!
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?
He has Santa claws!
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!
Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger!
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!
Post by: kimmer on June 10, 2015, 10:59:35 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jun 9 2015, 11:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
And, continuing Kimmer's theme, here are most of the entries in the Daily Telegraph list of "printable" Christmas cracker jokes:
Post by: krissel on June 12, 2015, 12:40:31 AM
Post by: Highmac on June 12, 2015, 08:39:43 AM
Post by: jchuzi on June 15, 2015, 11:30:54 AM
My father claimed that, until he joined the Army, he never knew that you didn't have to have heartburn after every meal. Family lore had it that she could burn water. Zero Mostel must have known her when he quipped, "Jewish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler."
If a label says, "Just like Grandma used to make", I won't eat it.
JEWISH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Latkes
A pancake-like structure, not to be confused with anything a first-class health restaurant would put out.
In a latke the oil remains inside the pancake.
It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal.
Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but COULD also be used to comb your hair, shine your shoes or lubricate your automobile.
There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees, they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days.
What is certain is that you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.
It tastes GREAT but will stop your heart if the grease gets cold.
Matzoh
Israel 's punishment for escaping slavery, it consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all.
When made especially well, it could actually taste like a cardboard box recycled from the Tel Aviv city dump.
Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time--sometimes far too long--and you are advised to eat lots of prunes with it.
If the prunes do not work, try castor oil, or even gunpowder as a last resort before a surgeon has to mine it out.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known "delicacies" that is even more difficult to pronounce than it is to cook.
It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bowtie noodles (not macaroni).
Why bowties? Many sages in the Old Testament discussed this and agreed that an ancient Jewish mother must have decided, 'Son, you can't come to the table without a tie or, G-d forbid, place your elbow on the table."
If Mamma said 'bowties,' you better believe that's what the family used, even if they had to invent them on the spot.
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine's 'blintzkreig.'
Can you imagine the Jerusalem Post in '39 with huge headlines announcing:
'Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes on Poland. Shortage of sour cream expected'? Basically, this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzettes. They are actually offered on the menu at the local International House of Pancakes, but no one there knows what the hell they are.
In ignorant bliss, they often serve them frozen from the blintz factory. No modern woman will take time to make them if she can find a grocery store selling frozen ones (assuming she can find someone in that store who knows where they are kept).
Kishke
You know from Scottish Haggis? Well, this it ain't. Remember what I say if you should go to the Highlands .
You do not want to eat Haggis, no matter how much Scotch you've downed. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it to make kishke.
Today we use parchment paper or plastic (made in China). And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. The skill is not to cook it alone, but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
The gravy can be purchased in bulk at any southern Bisquitville drive-thru.
Kreplach
They sound worse than they taste. There is a rabbinical debate on their origins. One Rabbi claims they began when a Chinese fortune cookie fell into the chicken soup.
Another claims they started in an Italian restaurant, where the owner yelled at the chef, 'Disa pasta tastes like-a krep!' Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy, and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. Tastes best if made in a Manhattan deli where they serve the soup by the barrel-load.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries.
The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. Precursor of Superglue.
At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican refried beans: 'What, they serve leftover cholent here too?"
A Jewish American Princess once came up with something original for her guests (her first and probably last cooking attempt at the age of 25).
She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back. The dogs ate the burgers but later threw up and had to be taken by ambulance to the pet emergency room.
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his fishpond and a few of his fish got rather stuck and mangled.
His son (5 years old at the time) looked at them and asked, "Is that why we call it 'ge-filtered fish?" Originally it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually is comprised of small fish balls eaten with horseradish (pronounced 'chrain' to rhyme with 'insane,' which you have to be to inflict it on your innards) and is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
The VERY NAME OF THIS DISH FRIGHTENS FULLY GROWN AND SOPHISTICATED GENTILES and they actually run when it is merely mentioned.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon, the bagel?
Like most foods there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don't know any other than it was first discovered when unsugared donuts accidentally petrified.
There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox.
Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating smoked salmon or trout on white bread? Rye ? A cracker? Naaa! The Israel Defense Forces research lab looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room in desert-maneuvers ration kits.
And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there to indicate where the hole is placed
Post by: kimmer on June 20, 2015, 02:29:44 PM
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 20, 2015, 08:45:46 PM
QUOTE
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Unfortunately, it's often because we've forgot which house to stop at!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 29, 2015, 03:17:59 PM
QUOTE
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Post by: Highmac on July 01, 2015, 01:46:38 AM
QUOTE
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a 'Marriage' seminar, Ken and his wife Mary listened to the advisor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other"
He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Ken leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently, and whispered softly: "Homepride Self Raising, isn't it?"
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy..........
While attending a 'Marriage' seminar, Ken and his wife Mary listened to the advisor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other"
He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Ken leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently, and whispered softly: "Homepride Self Raising, isn't it?"
And thus began Ken's life of celibacy..........
Post by: kimmer on July 04, 2015, 12:46:34 PM
The Americans licked the British!
How come there's no Knock Knock joke about America?
Because freedom rings.
What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liber-tea.
What was General Washington's favourite tree?
The infantry.
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can't sit down.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington's army?
Laughayette
Why did the duck say bang?
Because he was a firequacker.
What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill
Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold.
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1772?
The Boston Flea Party.
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What do you call a duck on the fourth of July?
A fire quacker.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved.
Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!
Revolutionary War
During the Revolutionary war, a Lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
British General
"Well," snarled the tough old General Cornwallis to the bewildered soldier. "I suppose after you get discharged from the army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, General!" the soldier replied. "Once I get out of the army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Post by: jchuzi on July 11, 2015, 08:06:03 PM
He therefore took a trip to Minsk, a nearby town, to buy another cow. After returning with the cow, he knew that he would have to breed her with his bull in order to have her produce milk.
Unfortunately, the cow was totally repelled by the bull. The bull attempted to approach her but she always backed up against the fence so that it was impossible for them to mate. Understandably distraught, the man asked his wife for advice. She said, "Go to the rabbi. He's the smartest man in the village and he'll know what to do."
The man thought this to be an excellent idea. Consequently, he went to the rabbi and explained the situation. The rabbi stroked his beard and said, "The cow, she must be from Minsk." The man was delighted with the rabbi's perspicacity and eagerly awaited a solution to the problem.
He said, "Rabbi, that is true. How did you know?" The rabbi got a wistful expression on his face and replied, "My wife is from Minsk."
Post by: kimmer on July 23, 2015, 08:14:36 PM
Middle C, E flat, and G walked into a bar.
“Sorry”, the bartender said. “We don’t serve minors.”
=-=-=
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
=-=-=
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was baroque.
=-=-=
Why did the pirate buy a Pavarotti album?
Because he loved the high C’s.
=-=-=
A percussionist, tired of being ridiculed by other musicians, decides to change instruments.
He walks into a music shop and says, “I’ll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion.”
After a second, the shop assistant says, “Ok, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays.”
Post by: jchuzi on July 24, 2015, 06:43:54 AM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 26, 2015, 08:34:19 PM
http://youtu.be/miPE-cf_5UY
Post by: jchuzi on July 28, 2015, 07:29:59 PM
Post by: gunug on July 29, 2015, 09:27:06 AM
This was one of them:
Here lies Lester Moore; Four slugs from a .44; No Les No More.
~ Tombstone Arizona
Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim.
We made the mistake, But the joke's on him.
~Kansas Tombstone
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
~English Tombstone
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 30, 2015, 09:18:21 AM
QUOTE
- He was right.
- We was wrong,
- but we strung him up,
- and now he's gone.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 25, 2015, 09:56:35 AM
QUOTE
Officer at a scene of a problem: "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
Dispatcher: "Have you arrested her?"
Officer: "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
You can't make these things up!! Dispatcher: "Have you arrested her?"
Officer: "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Post by: jchuzi on August 25, 2015, 10:00:47 AM
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?'' "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta Love Grandmas!!!!
Post by: Highmac on August 25, 2015, 10:10:25 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Aug 25 2015, 03:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I bought a police scanner radio a few years ago. Haven't even had it on in months, but decided to give a listen yesterday.
QUOTE
Officer at a scene of a problem: "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
Dispatcher: "Have you arrested her?"
Officer: "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
You can't make these things up!! Dispatcher: "Have you arrested her?"
Officer: "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Hmmm... somebody already did, Jim
http://www.techsurvivors.net/forums/index....st&p=203230
and you posted the next joke....
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 25, 2015, 10:12:42 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 25, 2015, 10:33:58 AM
Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and
write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me,
Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson, from
Missoula, Montana. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized
that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry
was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred
Johnson, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave
me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred
Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then
the VD took away my 'Johnson', so now, I'm, Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.....
Post by: kimmer on August 25, 2015, 11:40:06 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Aug 25 2015, 07:10 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Aug 25 2015, 03:56 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I bought a police scanner radio a few years ago. Haven't even had it on in months, but decided to give a listen yesterday.
QUOTE
Officer at a scene of a problem: "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
Dispatcher: "Have you arrested her?"
Officer: "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
You can't make these things up!! Dispatcher: "Have you arrested her?"
Officer: "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Hmmm... somebody already did, Jim
http://www.techsurvivors.net/forums/index....st&p=203230
and you posted the next joke....
Post by: Texas Mac Man on August 28, 2015, 07:37:02 PM
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian draft beers, please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while drawing the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the Brits - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 28, 2015, 10:22:40 PM
Post by: jchuzi on August 29, 2015, 05:33:21 AM
A man goes to a psychologist and complains, "I have an uncontrollable urge to spank a stone statue. I think that I've hit rock bottom".
Post by: kimmer on August 29, 2015, 12:54:15 PM
I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit!
Post by: RNKIII on August 29, 2015, 01:15:26 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 29, 2015, 03:31:50 PM
Post by: jchuzi on August 29, 2015, 07:22:18 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Aug 29 2015, 04:31 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
...there should be laws against this type of abuse...
There is, and the penalty is capital PUNishment. Post by: jchuzi on September 01, 2015, 07:23:18 PM
The moral of story? He who has a Tate's is lost.
Post by: Highmac on September 04, 2015, 03:34:13 AM
An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do I come here often?"
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a martinus." The bartender asks him. "Don't you mean martini?" The man tells the bartender, "Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them."
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a packet of peanuts. The barman says, why the big pause?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not surprising."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."
A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar is serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A guy walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says the man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.
A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says "give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money."
A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots. His spurs are also made of paper. Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.
A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry." The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What have you got? "Fifty cents," is the reply.
A Northerner walks into a bar in the Deep South around Christmas time. A small nativity scene is behind the bar, and the guy says, "That's a nice nativity scene. But how come the three wise men are all wearing firemen's hats?" And the bartender says, "Well, it says right there in the Bible – the three wise men came from afar."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender. A few sips later, another voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man calls the bartender over. "Say, I must be losing my mind," he tells him. "I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts," explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar. "The peanuts?" "That's right, the peanuts – they're complimentary."
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign – I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the man tells his friend about it: "I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
A man walks into a bar looking sad, and the bartender asks him, "What's the matter?" The man says, "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. The month is up today."
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks in his pocket and orders another drink, looks in his pocket and orders still another drink. His curiosity aroused, the bartender asks, "What are you doing? What's in your pocket?" And the guy says, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."
Post by: jchuzi on September 04, 2015, 05:59:21 PM
Post by: jchuzi on September 11, 2015, 07:50:14 PM
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
Post by: jchuzi on September 21, 2015, 07:00:32 PM
1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation.
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
12. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
Post by: jchuzi on September 22, 2015, 06:49:13 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 16, 2015, 03:29:08 PM
QUOTE
1Password 5.4 ßeta update gems
Large type
If you’ve ever squinted at a password because you have to enter your it on a device without 1Password support, this is for you! 1Password for Mac now can now display passwords in Large Type to make them easier to read. Now it’s easy to look at your Mac and enter your password on an Apple TV or read your Wi-Fi password off to guests. Oh, and if your bank asks you for the 4th, 10th, and 12th digits of your passwords, you’ll be happy to see that we’ve numbered each character to make those easier for you to find.
Fixed:
If your system language is Persian, you can now edit dates. Sorry about that. {OPM-3153}
1Password mini would continuously log that it was waiting for discoveryd to return from its lunch break on Yosemite 10.10.4. We’ve convinced the mini that this was improper behavior. {OPM-3143}
The Wi-Fi Sync Server wouldn’t start if the computer name contained certain characters. We’ve given it some language lessons so this will no longer happen. {OPM-2836}
Two blinking cursors were sometimes shown in the details view in edit mode. We’ve sent the second one to a nice farm upstate. {OPM-3020}
In its enthusiasm, 1Password would prompt you to save changes if you placed your cursor in a text field but didn’t change any text, even after you pressed the “Cancel” button. We’ve toned down its exuberance. {OPM-2968}
We’ve fixed some leaks so 1Password mini’s memory is no longer like a sieve.
Large type
If you’ve ever squinted at a password because you have to enter your it on a device without 1Password support, this is for you! 1Password for Mac now can now display passwords in Large Type to make them easier to read. Now it’s easy to look at your Mac and enter your password on an Apple TV or read your Wi-Fi password off to guests. Oh, and if your bank asks you for the 4th, 10th, and 12th digits of your passwords, you’ll be happy to see that we’ve numbered each character to make those easier for you to find.
Fixed:
If your system language is Persian, you can now edit dates. Sorry about that. {OPM-3153}
1Password mini would continuously log that it was waiting for discoveryd to return from its lunch break on Yosemite 10.10.4. We’ve convinced the mini that this was improper behavior. {OPM-3143}
The Wi-Fi Sync Server wouldn’t start if the computer name contained certain characters. We’ve given it some language lessons so this will no longer happen. {OPM-2836}
Two blinking cursors were sometimes shown in the details view in edit mode. We’ve sent the second one to a nice farm upstate. {OPM-3020}
In its enthusiasm, 1Password would prompt you to save changes if you placed your cursor in a text field but didn’t change any text, even after you pressed the “Cancel” button. We’ve toned down its exuberance. {OPM-2968}
We’ve fixed some leaks so 1Password mini’s memory is no longer like a sieve.
Post by: jchuzi on October 19, 2015, 07:18:50 PM
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno ~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 19, 2015, 10:14:54 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 21, 2015, 07:06:15 PM
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Post by: jchuzi on November 01, 2015, 09:28:03 AM
The hospital denies any responsibility, saying his cataract removal was a complete success.
Post by: jchuzi on November 04, 2015, 06:19:55 PM
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Post by: jchuzi on November 21, 2015, 06:26:33 PM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just take off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you expel gas.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt - then things just keep getting worse.
20.. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Post by: kimmer on December 03, 2015, 02:04:50 PM
To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.
When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.
After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
"Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
Post by: jchuzi on December 29, 2015, 07:07:47 PM
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking. God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend,
reach & stretch. He looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it is God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you may
mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Do not ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 14, 2016, 11:19:20 AM
Post by: jchuzi on January 26, 2016, 06:45:40 PM
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 02, 2016, 09:29:51 AM
Post by: jchuzi on February 02, 2016, 10:06:18 AM
Post by: jchuzi on February 21, 2016, 06:57:00 PM
Subject: Maintenance Standards
Humor for the uninitiated:
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma
to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs
on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before
the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never,
ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 21, 2016, 08:01:18 PM
Read a good one recently, not about maintenance, but it applies to many pilots...
Do you know how to tell when a Marine fighter pilot walks into a room?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He'll tell you!
Post by: jchuzi on February 25, 2016, 07:23:06 PM
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy .
Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called .........,
POPE SE-COLA !
Post by: jchuzi on March 07, 2016, 07:21:31 PM
Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and no other word and no other language, can do it justice.
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand he would leave her $1.00 but never take a pretzel.
This offering went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in over 3 years.
Without blinking an eye she said: "They're $1.25 now."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 10, 2016, 09:31:16 AM
This is absolutely the best method I have ever seen to harvest your email addy! Just keep watching them and you'll see what I mean. And you'll definitely enjoy the journey.
Post by: jchuzi on April 02, 2016, 08:10:41 PM
Nuff' said!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 03, 2016, 01:31:02 PM
Still have her LP's upstairs... She may not have sung like those two "cats", but she could sing to me anytime! For those too young to have ever heard of her, she is the anti-"Lady" Gaga. Not "classical" but certainly a classic!
Post by: jchuzi on April 17, 2016, 08:21:10 PM
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.
Post by: jchuzi on April 17, 2016, 08:33:16 PM
Post by: jchuzi on May 02, 2016, 09:04:29 PM
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! " Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 04, 2016, 09:09:29 AM
QUOTE
gud talked with you because I did many I receive letters from you much longer it would start in 2009 until today mam until now i still changed the lives Instrumental promised me that on april 28 will be difficult pong expect many that I have received a letter once that I 'd burn it but hope I'm still with you that someday you will keep your word to me I told you to call me on this number I gave you maybe also recieve you that would make you a word I left nalang yung illness difficult to treat my illness to me so I hope you will help me and please do me paasahin the good word to .............................. meevening
It appears that they are stressing the efficient use of punctuation. Or they just place all the sentence ending periods at the end! I think this is the fourth 'message' from "princejake". Unfortunately, he is not showing much improvement with his vocabulary or sentence structure. I would give him a solid B for perseverance, however.
I believe we should always praise in public and reprimand in private.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 13, 2016, 01:03:17 PM
My grade in a 5 hr Calculus class would have allowed me to maintain a 1.0 GPA that semester!! I didn't impress anyone in those other classes, either!
Post by: krissel on May 27, 2016, 11:54:59 PM
(as I write from my old G4 tower...)
Post by: krissel on May 29, 2016, 01:37:06 AM
QUOTE(MakTekniko @ May 28 2016, 10:45 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
My gosh, Krissel . . . Isn't it time to give that thing last rites?
Noooo!
I have a hard time giving up on an old friend. I only recycled my 9600 just last year. It ran 10.3.9 really well.
This DA still runs fine and it has a ton of programs that won't work on my other Macs since Rosetta was dropped. I did upgrade this machine about 10 years ago with the latest innards at the time. Can't believe the two hard drives (500G and 300G) are still going. Yes, I've backed up. Actually I'm only using this old baby while I work on my house getting it ready to sell. My newer Macs are at the other place. Still, the only real complaint is not having a really good browser, Ten4Fox isn't cutting it anymore.
Post by: krissel on May 30, 2016, 03:38:05 AM
Up until last August Ten4Fox was doing great and was able to run many of the add-ons that Firefox allows. But something changed and now it beachballs on many sites and gets hung up even while starting. I've resorted to using Stainless a lot which functions but is bare bones.
Post by: Jack W on May 30, 2016, 08:05:52 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 30, 2016, 12:25:18 PM
Post by: jchuzi on May 30, 2016, 02:17:37 PM
Benny Hill, the famous comedian, got married. He and his bride decided to tour Transylvania on their honeymoon. As they were driving, a storm came up and they crashed into a ditch. Igor, the hunchback, found them and took them to a forbidding-looking castle where Dr. Frankenstein had his busy practice. The good doctor attempted to revive them, but to no avail. Extremely distressed, he tried to console himself by playing the organ. The sounds of the organ drifted into the examination room and Igor saw, with great joy, that Mr. and Mrs. Hill had regained consciousness!
Beside himself with excitement, he ran up to the doctor and excitedly exclaimed, "The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 30, 2016, 05:48:28 PM
It's been used so often, some of its colors are starting to fade! Too much friction in those interweb tubes, I guess.
Post by: jchuzi on May 30, 2016, 06:19:51 PM
A graduate student in ichthyology was studying electric eels. He went to capture one, but it turned out to be like no electric eel that he had ever seen. He went to his advisor, who looked at the fish and told him that he was going about his studies in an incorrect manner. The advisor said, "In order to complete your project, you must combine ichthyology and astronomy. You cannot catch electric eels during the full moon." (Now that you have read this far, brace yourself...)
"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a moray."
Post by: kimmer on May 30, 2016, 08:53:37 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ May 30 2016, 11:17 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To get back on track (and supply a groaner to my "legions" of fans):
Benny Hill, the famous comedian, got married. He and his bride decided to tour Transylvania on their honeymoon. As they were driving, a storm came up and they crashed into a ditch. Igor, the hunchback, found them and took them to a forbidding-looking castle where Dr. Frankenstein had his busy practice. The good doctor attempted to revive them, but to no avail. Extremely distressed, he tried to console himself by playing the organ. The sounds of the organ drifted into the examination room and Igor saw, with great joy, that Mr. and Mrs. Hill had regained consciousness!
Beside himself with excitement, he ran up to the doctor and excitedly exclaimed, "The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Benny Hill, the famous comedian, got married. He and his bride decided to tour Transylvania on their honeymoon. As they were driving, a storm came up and they crashed into a ditch. Igor, the hunchback, found them and took them to a forbidding-looking castle where Dr. Frankenstein had his busy practice. The good doctor attempted to revive them, but to no avail. Extremely distressed, he tried to console himself by playing the organ. The sounds of the organ drifted into the examination room and Igor saw, with great joy, that Mr. and Mrs. Hill had regained consciousness!
Beside himself with excitement, he ran up to the doctor and excitedly exclaimed, "The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Oh no! HAHAHAHA NO. NO. NO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jon, this one wins a prize. HAHAHAHAHA
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 07, 2016, 11:50:12 AM
QUOTE
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they’re very efficient and not very funny.
One, they’re very efficient and not very funny.
But another "two-liner" was directly aimed at me. I didn't think it was funny!
QUOTE
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Maybe I'm too German... Then they call me ugly and poor.
Post by: kimmer on June 07, 2016, 01:34:15 PM
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Post by: kimmer on June 07, 2016, 04:30:27 PM
QUOTE(MakTekniko @ Jun 7 2016, 11:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Very clever and well thought out.
Is it yours, Kimmer, or did you find it elsewhere?
Is it yours, Kimmer, or did you find it elsewhere?
Haha ... I am not that clever. I found them floating around in either an email or at facebook or somewhere. No idea who the original author is.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 07, 2016, 04:37:46 PM
Post by: kimmer on June 08, 2016, 03:18:43 PM
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.
- A man went to buy some camouflage trousers, but he couldn't find any.
- I went to the butcher's shop the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
- I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Post by: jchuzi on June 09, 2016, 05:43:21 AM
The Washington Redskins finally drop their offensive name.
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping " Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington” imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
(I posted this in the Humor forum, but I'm not sure if it's funny.)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 09, 2016, 08:13:13 PM
QUOTE
but I'm not sure if it's funny.
After all your "puns"?! Have you turned over a new leaf?I have some good news/bad news. Many of you know we live with a cat. Recently he low humidity has intensified the problem she has with static electricity. We took the cat to a vet (who did a dog scan) and broke the bad mews that we would simply have to suffer with the static electricity caused by Sweetie's fur. That's the bad news, of course.
Fortunately, at the same time we were at the vet one of the members of the local Draft Board overheard our sad story. So we now have some good news! The gentleman pulled some strings and had our cat deferred!
Post by: kimmer on June 10, 2016, 10:09:59 PM
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO.'"
Post by: kimmer on June 11, 2016, 06:20:34 PM
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
___________________________________
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York.
As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: "Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" asked the passenger.
"Yes or No," replied the attendant.
Post by: jchuzi on June 12, 2016, 01:27:11 PM
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Post by: kimmer on June 12, 2016, 03:52:26 PM
Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.
What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half.
Senior Thoughts:
- Is it just me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Post by: Highmac on June 13, 2016, 07:14:58 AM
QUOTE
How should you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
Post by: jchuzi on June 13, 2016, 08:09:08 AM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jun 13 2016, 08:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ah, you'll love this one then... seen in a kiddies' corner at a tourist attraction in Norfolk, England.
QUOTE
How should you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
I love it! Just remember to keep your cheese jokes brie and to the point.
Post by: Highmac on June 13, 2016, 09:59:49 AM
QUOTE
The definition of knowing what a woman really wants: “It’s like trying to figure out what colour the letter seven smells like.
I was not the only one who found it funny - the missus (married 10 years this week
) did too
Post by: jchuzi on June 15, 2016, 08:05:08 PM
The cowboy says, "Yes. On a trip through the Big Horn Mountains of Wyoming , I came upon a gang of bikers who were harassing a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you"'"
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 28, 2016, 10:59:18 AM
QUOTE
Dear uncle john harrison how are you uncle. I been waiting to hair from you. In your letter you want to give me a scret.yes please i want to be rich hair is my phone numbers uncle john harrison.07922224352 07871973748 do call me uncle john harrison i been have bad time.i need some financially help i been stugging for years uncle.i never win the lotter .i am so broke.hope to hair from you soon yours askel douglas
I just wondered if any of you know Mr. Douglas and can get word to him that I'll do everything I can to help him... as soon as I regain my composure! BTW, "John Harrison" is a SCAMmer who claims to be your long lost relative relative now living in Australia. His SCAM letter claims he has won "87 jackpots in 40 years! Making 2 jackpots a year or 13 million per year!" He was 97 when my Aunt got this letter, so he's at least 100 now, assuming his money hasn't killed him, yet! I think Mr. Douglas may need some help in coming up with the fees mentioned in the SCAM letter:
QUOTE
1 Check* for $39 made payable to my association: P.S.T.
2 Checks* for $25 made payable to my association: P.S.T. (one check you can cash now, one in a month)
As you can imagine, Mr. Harrison is having trouble and is probably running out of time to "give away" his secret to his newly found Nephew (Mr. Douglas). Any help you can provide (cash preferred, no credit cards, please) will be greatly appreciated. 2 Checks* for $25 made payable to my association: P.S.T. (one check you can cash now, one in a month)
At least we can get Mr. Douglas a keyboard allowing him to have uppercase letters...Admins: Is this too sad to be in the "Humor" thread?
Post by: jchuzi on June 28, 2016, 11:15:04 AM
Some years ago, the Washington Biological Survey tagged many birds to follow their migration patterns. The tags said, "Wash. Biol. Surv. If found, contact us at the following address...). A rural farmer in Iowa found one of the birds and the tag, and responded as follows:
"I found your bird and followed the instructions on the tag. I washed it, bioled it, and surved it. It was turrible! I thought you might want to know."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 28, 2016, 11:57:06 AM
Post by: kimmer on June 28, 2016, 12:21:11 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jun 28 2016, 08:15 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Maybe Mr. Douglas can profit from another person whose English left a bit to be desired (this story is, of course, apocryphal but still suited to the Humor forum).
Some years ago, the Washington Biological Survey tagged many birds to follow their migration patterns. The tags said, "Wash. Biol. Surv. If found, contact us at the following address...). A rural farmer in Iowa found one of the birds and the tag, and responded as follows:
"I found your bird and followed the instructions on the tag. I washed it, bioled it, and surved it. It was turrible! I thought you might want to know."
Some years ago, the Washington Biological Survey tagged many birds to follow their migration patterns. The tags said, "Wash. Biol. Surv. If found, contact us at the following address...). A rural farmer in Iowa found one of the birds and the tag, and responded as follows:
"I found your bird and followed the instructions on the tag. I washed it, bioled it, and surved it. It was turrible! I thought you might want to know."
Post by: jchuzi on July 26, 2016, 05:30:16 PM
characteristics of Jewish humor. This is such a story.
Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, "Thanks, Jew Boy, whatcha gonna to do about it?’ Moshe burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying. What's your problem?"
"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?”
Post by: kimmer on July 26, 2016, 08:30:27 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Jul 26 2016, 02:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
But enough about me, how's your day going?”
HAHAHAHA
Post by: jchuzi on August 03, 2016, 07:23:36 PM
1. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
2. What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”
3. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
4. A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
5. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
6. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says “make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
7. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
A plumber would say- ‘you-niun-ized’ ,whereas a chemist would say- ‘un-ayon-ized’. Gettit? Gettit??
8. Helium walks into a bar,
The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.
9. Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.”
The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too”
— and he died.
10. What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
“HeHe”
11. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
12. A hyperbole is an exaggerated claim. No, really, realllllllllllyyyyy exaggerated. I mean, like, the most exaggerated thing in the history of ever!!
13. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
14. I would make another chemistry joke but all good ones ARGON!
15. The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
16. I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called brightness, but it doesn’t work!
17. The Higgs Boson walks into a church.
The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”
The Higgs Boson says “but without me how can you have mass?”
18. I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like..
..”OMg”
19. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.
Post by: RNKIII on August 03, 2016, 07:29:32 PM
Bob
K. rnkiii
Post by: jchuzi on August 03, 2016, 07:41:48 PM
QUOTE(RNKIII @ Aug 3 2016, 08:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Not bad, not bad.... #7 went overhead....
Bob
K. rnkiii
Bob
K. rnkiii
The chemist said, "un ionized", as in not forming ions. If you got the rest, congratulate yourself.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 03, 2016, 09:07:09 PM
Post by: jchuzi on September 02, 2016, 06:13:22 AM
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 02, 2016, 08:21:10 PM
I've seen this guy before, he's a comedian, so I doubt the story is true, but it would give me great joy to hatch this kind of auto-mailing script!
Here's another one about how he handled a <Nigerian SCAMMER>.
Post by: Highmac on September 03, 2016, 04:05:37 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 03, 2016, 08:47:51 AM
QUOTE
Worst mistake I've ever made.
No. That would be posting about it here!
Post by: kimmer on September 03, 2016, 01:07:18 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Sep 3 2016, 02:05 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I was on the bus the other day and I saw a very old lady struggling as she got on. I obviously surrendered my seat so she could sit down. Worst mistake I've ever made. I mean, how was I to know she'd never driven a bus before?
Now that's funny!!!
Post by: jwboyd on September 03, 2016, 01:35:50 PM
What do you call a woman who is married to a hippie? Mississippi!
Jim: My son sent this to his daughter, who is a kindergarten teacher in Byhalia, MS (just a few miles from Collierville, TN).
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 03, 2016, 02:33:38 PM
I've been reminded just today how small this world is. I was waiting in a crowd of fellow FedEx retirees in the lobby of the church where we were to honor another retiree when I saw my cousin (I only have three!)! She was a good friend of the honoree's wife! Last time I saw her was a few months ago at the 100th birthday celebration for one of my wife's Aunts back in my hometown. Turns out my cousin's little Sister (I think that means she's one of those three cousins!) was a college room mate of the honoree's granddaughter!
Our family was not close, we all left our home town after High School or college and have never had any kind of 'reunion'. But I married into a family that is typical of many in Arkansas: Everyone in the family is already a cousin!
Going to 'the store' is usually a 'reunion'!
Post by: jwboyd on September 03, 2016, 02:44:37 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Sep 3 2016, 01:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
We have a main north/south street in our town named after Byhalia! You'd never guess where it goes...
I've been reminded just today how small this world is. I was waiting in a crowd of fellow FedEx retirees in the lobby of the church where we were to honor another retiree when I saw my cousin (I only have three!)! She was a good friend of the honoree's wife! Last time I saw her was a few months ago at the 100th birthday celebration for one of my wife's Aunts back in my hometown. Turns out my cousin's little Sister (I think that means she's one of those three cousins!) was a college room mate of the honoree's granddaughter!
Our family was not close, we all left our home town after High School or college and have never had any kind of 'reunion'. But I married into a family that is typical of many in Arkansas: Everyone in the family is already a cousin! Going to 'the store' is usually a 'reunion'!
I've been reminded just today how small this world is. I was waiting in a crowd of fellow FedEx retirees in the lobby of the church where we were to honor another retiree when I saw my cousin (I only have three!)! She was a good friend of the honoree's wife! Last time I saw her was a few months ago at the 100th birthday celebration for one of my wife's Aunts back in my hometown. Turns out my cousin's little Sister (I think that means she's one of those three cousins!) was a college room mate of the honoree's granddaughter!
Our family was not close, we all left our home town after High School or college and have never had any kind of 'reunion'. But I married into a family that is typical of many in Arkansas: Everyone in the family is already a cousin!
Going to 'the store' is usually a 'reunion'! Jim: I have a niece who lives at Signal Mountain (near Chattanooga) and goes to DAR state conventions. Might she have met your wife?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 03, 2016, 03:06:38 PM
Post by: kimmer on September 11, 2016, 04:40:12 PM
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Post by: kimmer on September 12, 2016, 03:24:57 PM
- I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza for dinner.
- Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Post by: kimmer on October 07, 2016, 04:21:39 PM
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
Post by: jchuzi on October 29, 2016, 01:15:53 PM
A man found that he could not get a light fixture to light. He replaced the bulb, replaced the switch, checked the circuit breaker, all to no avail. Finally, he summoned an electrician. The electrician told him to gather his family around the switch and to hold hands while he flipped the switch. Lo and behold, the bulb lit!
He asked the electrician to explain this, and was informed that "Many hands make light work."
Post by: kimmer on November 10, 2016, 03:35:30 PM
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."
Post by: jchuzi on November 14, 2016, 01:18:51 PM
Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.
The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurance, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!"
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which folks do you tink dey gonna send to Afghanistan first?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 14, 2016, 02:27:39 PM
Post by: jchuzi on November 14, 2016, 07:22:40 PM
A senior lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250. She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250 is the 'standard rate' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use".
"But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here and you could have", explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here", the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them and you could have", the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes of discussion and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is for $50."
"That's correct. I charged you $200 for sleeping with me", she replied.
"But I didn't", exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have".
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 20, 2016, 05:51:21 PM
Corrected link, I hope! Still, it does have an ad to sit through. OTOH, there's really nothing to hear on the video, so you can mute before using the link and hold your hand over most of the ad...
Post by: kimmer on December 20, 2016, 10:57:06 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 20 2016, 04:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Finally a good use for Facebook!
Whatever this was is no longer there.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 23, 2016, 08:35:15 PM
Post by: kimmer on December 24, 2016, 10:51:05 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 13, 2017, 09:30:14 AM
Post by: jchuzi on January 18, 2017, 01:22:27 PM
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
Post by: kimmer on January 18, 2017, 01:40:11 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 18, 2017, 02:56:19 PM
Post by: RNKIII on January 18, 2017, 04:10:40 PM
Some day when I've little else to do and limber fingers, I'll put it on here...
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 18, 2017, 05:14:27 PM
I'll try to remember not to be drinking milk when I read your epistle!
Post by: jchuzi on January 19, 2017, 01:51:08 PM
What? You didn't know? You mean you never heard of ... the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 19, 2017, 02:03:53 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 16, 2017, 03:54:24 PM
CODE
This love story should help enhance your sensitivity training for the year ahead.
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes...
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes...
Post by: jchuzi on February 16, 2017, 04:46:38 PM
Post by: jchuzi on February 21, 2017, 07:28:37 PM
At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”
Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”
Post by: jchuzi on February 22, 2017, 07:26:57 PM
Both Trump supporters and critics will laugh at this one.
The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the #$!& in Washington.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 22, 2017, 10:17:03 PM
Take an aspirin and DO NOT call mein the morning...
or afternoon...
or at night!!!
Post by: jchuzi on February 24, 2017, 04:10:11 PM
Spring is here. I'm so excited, I wet my plants.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and just had the biggest vowel movement ever.
For the rich, there's therapy. For the rest of us, there's chocolate.
Once you lick the icing off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.
I'm thinking of calling in Ghostbusters. I'm convinced that I live in a haunted house. Every time I look in the mirror, this old man comes in and stands between me and my reflection.
Relationship tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but..." DON'T DO IT!! IT'S A TRAP!! Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT correct that woman!!
Post by: kimmer on February 24, 2017, 04:28:41 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Feb 24 2017, 02:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Some smiles for everyone:
HAHAHA ... thanks for these.
Post by: jchuzi on February 27, 2017, 03:46:40 PM
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
Post by: jwboyd on February 27, 2017, 04:54:11 PM
"My dad wanted me to have a Bible name. When he first saw me, he exclaimed, 'That's Theophilus!'"
(See Acts 1:1)
Post by: jchuzi on February 28, 2017, 01:07:56 PM
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Post by: Highmac on March 07, 2017, 05:33:56 AM
QUOTE
If you visit a firm's website and a page fails to load, you usually get an Americanised apology on the lines of: “Oops, we've boobed!” So I was charmed a few days ago to have this same problem with the Royal Shakespeare Company website, which responded: “No page! How did that happen? We are indeed an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!”
Will would have approved.
Will would have approved.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 07, 2017, 10:22:45 AM
Just search for "funny 404 pages" or something similar, but be prepared to not get the page you want.
Post by: Highmac on March 09, 2017, 10:00:08 AM
QUOTE
Thanks to the boss for clicking on a phishing email today and potentially infecting his laptop, I've lost 2 hours this afternoon and most of the evening cleaning up his machine. He clicked a link in an "Apple Security Team" email and got a message saying "Ha ha, *****, your files have been locked by X-Ghost" - I pulled the Ethernet and turned wireless off to try and isolate the machine as soon as he alerted me but that was around 5 minutes after he'd clicked the link.
Luckily nothing serious discovered but AVG did [absolutely nothing]* to protect him from his stupidity. Malwarebytes found 1,572 items that posed a risk - mostly adware and tracking cookies I hope!! My main concern was the server is mapped out as a drive. Ironically, this is the boss who implemented our Internet Security Policy - couldn't make it up, could you?
I wonder what delights will pop up tomorrow?
Luckily nothing serious discovered but AVG did [absolutely nothing]* to protect him from his stupidity. Malwarebytes found 1,572 items that posed a risk - mostly adware and tracking cookies I hope!! My main concern was the server is mapped out as a drive. Ironically, this is the boss who implemented our Internet Security Policy - couldn't make it up, could you?
I wonder what delights will pop up tomorrow?
*replaces a much shorter phrase we wouldn't allow on this forum
Post by: jchuzi on March 10, 2017, 07:51:14 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 10, 2017, 08:36:55 PM
Perhaps Apple has inserted automatic redirects to thier iOS App Store?
Post by: kimmer on March 10, 2017, 09:55:21 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Mar 10 2017, 06:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I really did try to connect to the link connected to what I thought you might be referring to. The image/link for Mr Golding simply takes me (three times, my limit on doing the same thing while expecting different results) to the App Store 'hinting' that I might want to download/install the Pinterest(so?) app. No, I just want to read what the man said. I may use my favorite, non-personal data gathering search engine and see what Jon finds interesting about him. Thank you, very much!
Perhaps Apple has inserted automatic redirects to thier iOS App Store?
Perhaps Apple has inserted automatic redirects to thier iOS App Store?
It's a photo that is at Pinterest. You have to register to view the item. If you're on a mobile device, then you will be prompted to install the app and sign in, before you can view the item. The redirect isn't from Apple, it's from Pinterest.
If you want to see the photo, you'll find it here:
http://cuzyouwanttotakemypicture.tumblr.co...st/155875857196
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 10, 2017, 10:17:59 PM
Sorry, it's been a bad few weeks...
Post by: jchuzi on March 12, 2017, 08:34:33 AM
POLITICS comes from two Greek words, "poly", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".
VEGETARIAN originated as an Apache word, meaning "lousy hunter".
INNUENDO is Italian for "suppository".
BIGAMIST is also Italian for "pea-soup fog".
Post by: jwboyd on March 12, 2017, 02:09:52 PM
QUOTE(jchuzi @ Mar 12 2017, 07:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Etymology (the origin of words) is fascinating. Many English words originated from other languages. Here are a few examples:
POLITICS comes from two Greek words, "poly", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".
VEGETARIAN originated as an Apache word, meaning "lousy hunter".
INNUENDO is Italian for "suppository".
BIGAMIST is also Italian for "pea-soup fog".
POLITICS comes from two Greek words, "poly", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".
VEGETARIAN originated as an Apache word, meaning "lousy hunter".
INNUENDO is Italian for "suppository".
BIGAMIST is also Italian for "pea-soup fog".
And UNIQUE comes from two Latin words "unis", meaning "one" and "equus", meaning "horse".
Post by: jchuzi on April 01, 2017, 05:35:57 PM
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BEWARE ...
THEY WALK AMONG US
Post by: Highmac on April 02, 2017, 04:10:34 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 02, 2017, 08:36:26 AM
I've only been to Hong Kong a few times, but there seemed to be a lot of Chinese there! Never been to Australia, so I'm not sure about how many "foreigners" they might have. At least they sound kinda like Mericans. They do have a strange accent, of course, probably comes from the British prisoners that visited a while back. I think they travel on the wrong side of the road, also...I suspect 90% of those complainers were from the (previously) great US of A. Unfortunately, the "Ugly American" still exists. Hopefully, the soon to be built "wall" will prevent them from spreading south.
Post by: Highmac on April 04, 2017, 04:29:24 AM
Meanwhile, a list of Q&As from the Australian Tourist Board (first published way back in 2000 when Oz hosted the Olympics). They didn't need to pick on any particular nation for providing the stupid questions
QUOTE
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 04, 2017, 08:06:09 AM
Post by: jchuzi on April 17, 2017, 02:29:16 PM
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.''
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?' The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 17, 2017, 04:34:51 PM
Post by: jchuzi on April 21, 2017, 08:59:06 PM
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUPS.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Post by: jchuzi on April 24, 2017, 08:51:11 PM
"It was some crazy woman asking if the coast was clear."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 28, 2017, 12:09:46 PM
Walking on the Grass
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" Said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"
What a thoughtful husband!
Post by: jchuzi on May 01, 2017, 08:29:31 PM
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription."
Post by: jchuzi on May 05, 2017, 09:08:22 PM
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
True Love:
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!
This Man Died a Painful Death:
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 10, 2017, 11:36:17 AM
Money Box, After 60 Years
A Man Is Startled When He Finds Out His Wife Has Been Hiding Something From Him For Over 60 Years.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They has talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it. Until one day....
For all these year, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you. I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 17, 2017, 08:15:25 AM
QUOTE
Subject: Women!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking!'
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !!?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking!'
Post by: jchuzi on May 17, 2017, 09:21:17 AM
Post by: jchuzi on July 30, 2017, 08:12:40 AM
Post by: RNKIII on July 30, 2017, 08:38:15 AM
Bob K. rnkiii
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 30, 2017, 01:06:19 PM
QUOTE("Bob K.")
One of my favorite 'growing up' memories...
WHAT?! Are you saying you're a 'grown up'?! My filossofee is "You don't have a choice about growing old, but you can choose not to grow up!"
Post by: jchuzi on August 19, 2017, 08:27:28 PM
· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
· When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
· Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
· America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
· You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
· Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
· My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
· I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
· Money talks ... But all mine ever says is good-bye.
· You're not fat, you're just ... Easier to see.
· If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
· I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out?
· I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.
· My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
· My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
· Denny's has a slogan, “If it's your birthday, the meal is on us”. If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
· The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
· The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
· Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
· The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Post by: Highmac on September 06, 2017, 09:22:18 AM
She often noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.
She asked him, “Dad, why are you doing that every Sunday?”
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
Looking incredulous, she asks, “How come he doesn’t answer it?”
Post by: Highmac on September 16, 2017, 09:55:11 AM
QUOTE
Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
*No doubt the way it got on to THAT forum
Post by: kimmer on September 16, 2017, 01:03:08 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Sep 16 2017, 07:55 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here's another one, lifted shamelessly from another forum within hours of it being posted... *
Post by: jchuzi on October 18, 2017, 03:29:05 PM
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."BILL GATES SAID, "NO." I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK." BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW.."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
Post by: jchuzi on October 18, 2017, 03:40:16 PM
The Fairy Godmother visited Cinderella and said, "I see that you are troubled. I have the power to grant three wishes. What would you like?"
Cinderella pondered for a moment, then said, "I have no money. What can you do?" The Fairy Godmother replied, "No problem!" She waved her magic wand and POOF! Cinderella's bank account had $1 million.
Cinderella then said, "For my second wish, I would like to be young and beautiful again, not old and ugly as I am now." The Fairy Godmother said, "That's easy" and POOF, Cinderella was as gorgeous as ever.
The Fairy Godmother asked for the third wish, and Cinderella said, "Years ago, Prince Charming, that no good so-and-so, left me for a younger woman. I don't want him back, but I have a very affectionate, loyal cat. Can you turn him into a handsome prince?" The Fairy Godmother said, "Nothing simpler." And POOF, the cat was transformed into a handsome, virile young man.
At this point, the Fairy Godmother said, "My work here is done. Enjoy the rest of your life." And she departed.
Cinderella gave the young man a knowing, come hither, look, and he said, "I hope you remember that you had me fixed."
Post by: jchuzi on November 21, 2017, 06:41:45 PM
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
Post by: jchuzi on November 27, 2017, 01:37:53 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on January 20, 2018, 04:10:13 PM
in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched
briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"...the balcony..."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 29, 2018, 09:53:18 AM
[attachment=3470:vehicle_graffiti.jpg]
Vehicle graffiti?
[attachment=3471:two_feet.jpg]
Two Feet of Snow
Vehicle graffiti?
[attachment=3471:two_feet.jpg]
Two Feet of Snow
Post by: Jack W on January 29, 2018, 11:00:32 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jan 29 2018, 10:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
[attachment=3470:vehicle_graffiti.jpg]
Vehicle graffiti?
[attachment=3471:two_feet.jpg]
Two Feet of Snow
Vehicle graffiti?
[attachment=3471:two_feet.jpg]
Two Feet of Snow
Loved them !
Post by: Highmac on January 31, 2018, 03:46:08 AM
Post by: krissel on January 31, 2018, 11:55:31 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jan 31 2018, 04:46 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Loved them too... actually laughed out loud at the vehicle graffiti
Me 2.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on February 07, 2018, 11:07:43 AM
The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."
So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
Again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."
Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde?"
The clerk replied, "Because that is a microwave."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 07, 2018, 03:52:59 PM
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, golfing and taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them, "I like them."
And, it works! Just like Facebook!
I already have four people following me...
Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist...
Post by: Texas Mac Man on February 09, 2018, 07:30:54 PM
Finally, a good Trump joke.
Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his
limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse"! This
startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agents supervisor takes him aside and
asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald , duck!"
Post by: jchuzi on February 10, 2018, 06:18:54 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 10, 2018, 10:00:19 AM
Post by: jchuzi on February 11, 2018, 03:48:07 PM
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley."
Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: “I wasn't."
Post by: Highmac on February 19, 2018, 09:30:02 AM
I said, "Do you like my shirt? It's covered in cactuses."
He said, "Cacti."
I said, "Never mind the tie, what do you think of the shirt..?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 19, 2018, 09:32:01 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 28, 2018, 10:09:42 AM
QUOTE
I went fishing last week. After a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.
Frogs are great bass bait!
Knowing the snake couldn't biit me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whicky in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back and it went limp.
I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.
Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake... with two more frogs!
No animals nor alcohol was consumed in writing this. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.
Frogs are great bass bait!
Knowing the snake couldn't biit me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whicky in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back and it went limp.
I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.
Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake... with two more frogs!
Post by: Highmac on March 02, 2018, 09:58:20 AM
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out - we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Post by: jchuzi on March 02, 2018, 10:22:04 AM
I'm particularly font of that one.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 02, 2018, 11:05:45 AM
Or did you intend a small summit?! I gotta go... I'm send the list to all my friends! I think both will enjoy the jokes!
Post by: kimmer on March 02, 2018, 01:03:55 PM
QUOTE(Highmac @ Mar 2 2018, 08:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
I wonder if it ordered a synonym roll to go?
Post by: Highmac on March 02, 2018, 01:19:32 PM
Post by: jchuzi on March 09, 2018, 02:45:13 PM
"Son, you are one of the leading surgeons in the world. I wouldn't want anyone else to do this risky procedure. But I want you to be prepared in case the worst happens. If I don't survive, your mother will move in with you."
Post by: jchuzi on March 28, 2018, 06:54:36 PM
The man approached Artie, who was willing to do the job. But, when asked what his fee was, he replied that it was $10,000, payable up front. The man didn't have that much cash but offered to give Artie a down payment of whatever was in his wallet, with the remainder payable upon completion of the job. He opened his wallet but there was only $1 in it. Artie agreed with the stipulation that the outstanding balance be paid immediately after the deed was done. The man agreed, and told Artie that his wife shopped every day at Walmart.
The next day, Artie followed the wife into an aisle at Walmart, sneaked up behind her, put his hands around her neck, and strangled her. Unfortunately for Artie, someone else was in the aisle at the time, and, not wanting any witnesses, Artie ran over to him and strangled him also. Walmart's security cameras recorded all of this and the man was arrested.
Next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Artie chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 06, 2018, 02:01:55 PM
At least no children were hurt in this 'technology demonstration'.
Post by: jchuzi on April 08, 2018, 06:42:42 PM
The operator says, "Calm down. Let's take this one step at a time. The first thing is to see if he's really dead." The fellow agrees. A moment later, the operator hears a gunshot. The man gets back on the phone and says, "OK. What do I do next?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 08, 2018, 07:59:44 PM
That one is older than the 911/999 services!
Post by: Highmac on April 10, 2018, 01:04:15 PM
"So who's the woman on your back?"
"That's Michelle..."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 10, 2018, 11:00:02 PM
Post by: Highmac on April 11, 2018, 04:32:24 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Apr 11 2018, 05:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Who said the British don't have a sense of humour?!
Not me
We've given the world so many laughs over the centuries from William Shakespeare (though it takes some understanding) to Peter Sellers to Are You Being Served? (a tourbus driver in LA told us it was her favourite show of all time!) and Monty Python (who admitted in interviews that even they did not understand some of their jokes) and... the outstanding, seriously and highly intellectual quality of...
the Carry On films
However, it's probably fair to say that our respective senses of humour (thankyou!) do not always cross the Atlantic successfully.
Post by: jchuzi on April 11, 2018, 06:26:17 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 11, 2018, 07:31:54 AM
I think some folks misunderstand "stiff upper lip" with lack of humour.The longest laugh I've had in weeks was when I tripped over the cat and fell into the bathtub (both of us fully clothed, btw)... all the while thinking how I would keep from hitting my head! It seemed to take hours to finally end up staring at the ceiling! What else could I do but laugh with joy? Just wish I had filmed it...
I sent a link to the Monty Python "Dead Parrot" video just last week!
Post by: krissel on April 11, 2018, 11:59:04 PM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Apr 11 2018, 08:31 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
The longest laugh I've had in weeks was when I tripped over the cat and fell into the bathtub
Which one of you has lost the most lives so far?
Post by: jchuzi on April 12, 2018, 06:04:00 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 12, 2018, 10:28:05 AM
QUOTE
Which one of you has lost the most lives so far?
He has fewer left... At least he didn't laugh at my predicament... I guess he remembered who feeds him... Speaking of amusing (if painful) predicaments...
I got a new chair mat to put under my lovely wife's desk chair. I decided I would roll up the old one since they are very hard to cut into smaller pieces to put in the garbage can. Naturally, one should roll it up with the sharp spikes on the inside...
I was on the garage floor starting the roll up process when the edge slipped out of my hand. The thing tried to hit me in the face but my super fast reactions prevented that. Unfortunately, my reaction skills did not prevent me from falling forward and placing both hands, palms down on the spikes, I even managed to get one knee onto them! The fun part was trying to figure out how to push myself up... without using my hands! The pain decreased the time I had to think about that.
Eventually, I made it inside and got a couple of bandaids on the biggest punctures... My wife didn't know what had happened, she was busy sitting on the nice new pad working on her Mac. She did ask me a while later if I had any idea where the drop of blood on the floor came from.
I hope, Jon, you don't get a hernia from laughing about my pain!
Post by: Highmac on April 12, 2018, 02:07:05 PM
It's just that you don't wait...
Post by: jchuzi on April 14, 2018, 06:40:42 PM
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards,
Alan
NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed then grabbed his gun, ran next door and when Alan opened the door, he shot and killed him. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.
SECOND MESSAGE
"Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again. Sorry about the typo in my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 23, 2018, 07:31:40 PM
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance . . . never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's bottom?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir .. . . but . . . but I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, don't mess around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Post by: Texas Mac Man on April 23, 2018, 08:21:55 PM
[attachment=3549:Ape4.jpg]
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 30, 2018, 06:15:59 PM
"Most of them were reading Snow White and the Seven Dwarf's while being taught math. What they learned is that there are only two kinds of men: Dwarfs and Prince Charming. And the odds of finding the Prince is seven to one against you!
'Math' is simply too depressing!"
Emily Levine
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 03, 2018, 03:43:03 PM
He claimed I was crazy!
I told him I wanted a second opinion!
He said, "OK, you're ugly."
Roger Ebert "speaking (https://www.ted.com/talks/roger_ebert_remaking_my_voice#t-1137906)" at TED2011
Post by: jchuzi on June 03, 2018, 04:11:01 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 23, 2018, 10:24:42 AM
Post by: Highmac on July 09, 2018, 03:19:12 PM
One turns to the other and asks: "Can you smell fish?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 09, 2018, 04:15:23 PM
Perhaps those helicopters sprayed something as they flew over?!! :eek:
Post by: krissel on July 10, 2018, 12:19:44 AM
Two parrots sitting on a perch.:toothgrin:
One turns to the other and asks: "Can you smell fish?"
Post by: Texas Mac Man on July 25, 2018, 10:37:08 AM
19. Brussels Sprouts
18. Cannes Openers
17. Amsterdam Yankees
16. Vienna Sausages
15. Belgium Waffles
14. Manila Folders
13. Czech Bouncers
12. New Delhi Catessans
11. Buenos Airheads
10. Guadalajara Krishnas
9. Iraqi Raccoons
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Dublin Mint Twins
2. Prague Tologists
1. Peking Toms
Post by: Highmac on August 03, 2018, 03:06:17 AM
“Surely it’s not going to rain today?”
Siri said: “It will, and don’t call me Shirley.”
Forgot to take my iPhone off Airplane mode...
Post by: jchuzi on August 03, 2018, 06:07:27 AM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on August 06, 2018, 11:14:24 AM
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first".
Me: Okay, Ill have a beer.
Bartender: We have Molsons Canadian on tap.
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $8.00.
Me: Ok. Here you are. What's the wifi password?
Bartender: youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.....
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 06, 2018, 11:23:57 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 06, 2018, 02:33:24 PM
Commuters who share rides and go through the Lincoln Tunnel to New York have noticed that their fingers have become tingly while gripping the steering wheel. The new disease has been named Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Post by: jchuzi on August 17, 2018, 11:42:20 AM
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”
Post by: jwboyd on August 23, 2018, 10:11:55 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 23, 2018, 10:19:46 AM
Your Yearly Dementia Test (only 4 questions)
Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take this test to determine if you're loosing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.
#1. What do you put in a toaster?
|
|
|
Answer: 'bread.' If you
said 'toast,' just give up now,
and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself!
said 'toast,' just give up now,
and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself!
If you said, bread, go to Question #2.
# 2.
Say 'silk' five times.
Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?
|
|
|
Answer: Cows drink water. If
you said 'milk,' don't attempt the
next question.
Your brain is you said 'milk,' don't attempt the
next question.
already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate
literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water,' proceed to
Question #3.
# 3.
If a red house is made from red bricks,
and a blue house is made from blue bricks,
and a pink house is made from pink bricks,
and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?
|
|
|
Answer: Greenhouses are
made from glass.
made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!!
But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.
# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:
You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?
|
|
|
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!!
Don't you remember your own age?!?
It was YOU, driving the bus!!!
Don't you remember your own age?!?
It was YOU, driving the bus!!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 23, 2018, 10:21:39 AM
Quote
They considered calling it a Fabric Acquisition Road Trip, but decided not.Obviously age has brought wisdom! :yes: :rofl:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 23, 2018, 10:47:21 AM
I'm not sure what else I can do! :dntknw:
I bought her an electric-start, riding lawnmower. I now use the clothes line to hang my squirrel skins to dry after I bought her a brand new clothes dryer for the back porch! Now she wants me to vacuum! Perhaps I can find one of those with an electric starter? :doh:
Why Men Don't Vacuum (http://mid-southweather.com/Vacuum.gif)
Post by: jchuzi on August 23, 2018, 10:49:17 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 23, 2018, 02:49:11 PM
God created everything in six days, rested on the seventh, and on the eighth day said, "OK Murphy. You take over now."
Post by: jchuzi on September 19, 2018, 03:41:29 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 19, 2018, 07:35:54 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 01, 2018, 04:20:08 PM
Post by: jwboyd on October 01, 2018, 06:52:10 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 01, 2018, 07:11:58 PM
Post by: krissel on October 02, 2018, 02:55:52 AM
(no comments on my breath, please... :toothgrin: )
CHEMISTRY PRIZE [PORTUGAL] — Paula Romão, Adília Alarcão and the late César Viana, for measuring the degree to which human saliva is a good cleaning agent for dirty surfaces.
Post by: jchuzi on October 02, 2018, 10:30:34 AM
I heard this from a professor of economics: "If all the economists were laid end to end, they would never reach a conclusion."Economists exist in order to make astrologers look good.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 04, 2018, 11:35:14 AM
From MacRumors:
Quote
Apple has included over 70 new emoji characters, making it easier than ever to express yourself.... or to waste more time and language skillz! :wallbash:
Post by: Highmac on October 05, 2018, 06:11:26 AM
Life's too short... (Long pause while searching the group above for something appropriate)
OK, pot luck. Look away from screen and just prod smiley panel :eek: :WOW: :mrgreen: :thanx: :wallbash: :tears: :yahoo:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 05, 2018, 09:50:16 AM
"An Emoji is worth a word or two!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 05, 2018, 10:25:17 AM
Quote
Two of Elemental’s biggest early clients were the Mormon church, which used the technology to beam sermons to congregations around the world, and the adult film industry, which did not.
* Sorry for the technical jargon: "Teeninecie" describes the physical size of a circuit board. It is similar to the term "teenyweeny" but is more precise than "littlebitty".
Post by: jchuzi on October 21, 2018, 07:22:13 AM
A gecko was employed in Las Vegas to handicap horse races, predict winners in football, and similar things. He became famous and was known as The Lizard of Odds.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 21, 2018, 12:28:34 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 22, 2018, 09:52:10 AM
Quote
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.I'll be back later, I'm going to the Jim. :thumbup:
Post by: Highmac on November 02, 2018, 02:48:33 PM
A relative was telling my OH that her grandson Sam had got engaged to marry his girlfriend Ella. She added, however, that family members had agreed they must always call them Ella 'n' Sam, rather than Sam 'n' Ella...
Post by: jwboyd on November 02, 2018, 06:43:43 PM
I geddit!
Post by: jchuzi on November 03, 2018, 06:47:45 AM
Franz von Suppe, the composer, had a brother who was an even better musician but lacks recognition. When the brother joined the Austrian army, he was discharged for cowardice and was forever after known as Chicken Suppe.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 03, 2018, 10:00:23 AM
Where are
the admin
when we
need
them
:wallbash:
the admin
when we
need
them
:wallbash:
Post by: Texas Mac Man on November 28, 2018, 10:30:04 AM
1. Scintillate, scintillate, exiguous luminous celestial object.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Cogitation should precede salutations.
4. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.
Answers:
1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Beauty is skin deep.
5. Don't cry over spilled milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot doesn't boil.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 28, 2018, 10:46:42 AM
Post by: Highmac on December 14, 2018, 04:07:05 PM
My wife bought herself a book on slimming.
How much has she lost?
Thirty bucks….
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 14, 2018, 06:24:00 PM
Post by: Highmac on December 15, 2018, 05:26:30 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 15, 2018, 09:05:46 AM
Post by: jchuzi on December 16, 2018, 07:51:13 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 16, 2018, 08:50:24 AM
Post by: jchuzi on December 18, 2018, 03:09:40 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 19, 2018, 06:45:38 PM
"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.
“Hey mister! Great shoes!”
Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.
“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”
He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.
“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 19, 2018, 07:04:11 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 20, 2018, 06:44:20 AM
Michael Gorbachev had a brother, Rudolf Gorbachev, who was an ardent Communist, even after the collapse of the Soviet Union. He was sitting in his apartment on Christmas eve and looked out the window. "Is raining" he said to his wife. She replied "Is snowing". He said (louder) "IS RAINING'. She replied, even more loudly, "IS SNOWING".
In exasperation, he declared, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
Post by: Jack W on December 20, 2018, 07:40:10 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 20, 2018, 11:05:18 AM
Post by: krissel on December 22, 2018, 01:02:46 AM
"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."Oh, boy. That brought up a flashback of when I told a version of that joke about 25 years ago at work. Half the room just looked at me, the rest groaned and rolled their eyes.
Some things never change. :p
Post by: Highmac on December 23, 2018, 09:58:06 AM
Light blue :whoosh:
Post by: Highmac on December 23, 2018, 10:27:32 AM
My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”
and...
My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!
Post by: jchuzi on December 23, 2018, 11:50:14 AM
Post by: jchuzi on December 31, 2018, 01:27:36 PM
A limerick gets laughs anatomical
into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
so seldom are clean,
and the clean ones so seldom are comical.
And here's another one, and very philosophical:
The bee is such a busy soul,
it has no time for birth control.
And that is why, in times like these,
there are so many sons of bees.
Post by: Highmac on January 01, 2019, 04:28:07 AM
There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses never would scan
When asked why this was
He said 'it's because
I always like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can'
Found a very apt one on MadKane's Humor blog (http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/tag/new-years-humor/),
Resolutions ain’t sticky, I fear,
Be it sugar, tobacco or beer.
If you’ve broken that pledge,
Please don’t be on edge.
No worries! There’s always NEXT year.
On that blog you can also find this offer:
"If it's humor & lim'ricks you seek,
I can send you an email each week."
And my own offering, though not a limerick:
So Christmas is over,
We're into New Year.
Let's hope it's a good one,
With plenty of beer.
:drink:
(With apologies to John Lennon...)
Post by: jchuzi on January 01, 2019, 10:39:32 AM
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York'?
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K.., but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say?' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'
'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Post by: jchuzi on January 15, 2019, 06:57:49 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 23, 2019, 02:02:13 PM
Quote
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
No lawyers were injured in the making of this joke.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 26, 2019, 09:55:28 AM
A Public Service Announcement to all Cats
Catnip: Nepeta cataria is a perennial, herbaceous plant that resembles a typical member of the mint family. It contains the feline stimulant nepetalactone and is used as a recreational substance. However, overconsumption causes drooling, sleepiness, anxiety, unflattering leaping and stupid purring. Indulge responsibly and avoid operating heavy machinery.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 27, 2019, 01:58:57 PM
Cat Guidelines
I found a list of several which I will occasionally post. Feel free to post some of your own. Please start another thread if you think dogs deserve their own, different guidelines to show how much they adore their owners. Cats never bother with that subservient attitude!
To help get things started:
Computers
When your human is working at a computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, then lie on his lap or across his arm. It will help his concentration.
Post by: Highmac on January 28, 2019, 05:26:30 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 28, 2019, 04:28:35 PM
Actually, this "open door" activity is included in the Cat Guidelines:
Doors
Do not allow any closed door in any room. Meow until your human opens it. Then simply stand there, your job is accomplished.
Post by: jchuzi on January 31, 2019, 09:55:42 AM
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend 50,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost 1,500?”
The husband replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”
Post by: jwboyd on February 01, 2019, 09:08:33 AM
A polar bear family sat on the ice telling stories. Papa polar bear told a story, then said, "Mama bear, it's you turn." So Mama polar bear told a story, then said, "Baby bear, it's your turn." Baby polar bear said, "My tale is told!"
Post by: Highmac on February 03, 2019, 09:57:47 AM
They don't of course. It's a pigment of their imagination.
Post by: Highmac on February 15, 2019, 09:18:21 AM
"Relax. You're too tense..."
Post by: jchuzi on February 15, 2019, 11:08:31 AM
Post by: Frances144 on February 15, 2019, 12:44:14 PM
Post by: Highmac on February 18, 2019, 04:32:30 AM
Post by: jchuzi on February 18, 2019, 06:11:29 AM
Post by: Highmac on February 18, 2019, 08:25:58 AM
Quote
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
Post by: jchuzi on February 18, 2019, 06:40:24 PM
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the MANURE spreader!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 22, 2019, 04:29:15 PM
Usually the city announces each morning when the plows will be running and ask everyone to move their cars off of one side of the street. Odd numbered side one time, even numbered side maybe the next. But one day we had two problems . We were listening to the news and the announcer was just getting to the part telling which side of the street should be cleared and the power went out!! I told my wife I was now in a quandary about which side to park on. I certainly did not want to be ticketed for parking on the wrong side. Nor could I wait much longer since I had to leave for work very soon. My lovely wife suggested a solution that saved the day not to mention our wallet! "Why not just leave the second car in the garage this time?" :wallbash:
Post by: Highmac on February 27, 2019, 03:51:59 AM
They have the same middle name :toothgrin:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 27, 2019, 10:05:21 AM
In related news (we recently had a thread on the other side of TS concerning HP):HP Offers 'That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ntPxdWAWq8&feature=youtu.be&t=1m28s)
Post by: Highmac on February 28, 2019, 03:26:34 AM
Edit to add: Guess this could have gone on the 'Fed up with Facebook' thread :D
Post by: jchuzi on March 10, 2019, 06:06:42 PM
A certain umpire was known for his domineering, abusive behavior, both on and off the field. He was so bad at home that his 4-year-old son refused to sit on his lap. This proves that the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 22, 2019, 01:57:54 PM
I wonder what social media site he could possibly be talking about... :Thinking: :doh: :dntknw:
Post by: jchuzi on April 01, 2019, 11:51:30 AM
Post by: jchuzi on April 16, 2019, 03:39:41 PM
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
3. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
4. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
5. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
6. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
7. Years of development. (One finally worked)
8. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
9. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
10. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)
Post by: jchuzi on April 29, 2019, 09:57:17 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 29, 2019, 11:09:26 AM
Post by: jchuzi on April 29, 2019, 11:20:34 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 29, 2019, 11:29:00 AM
Post by: jchuzi on May 24, 2019, 07:52:09 AM
The headline in the local newspaper stated, "Small Medium At Large."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 24, 2019, 08:41:17 AM
Post by: jchuzi on May 24, 2019, 08:53:22 AM
On a related note: Why is television called a medium? Because it's neither rare nor well done.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 24, 2019, 09:46:37 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 05, 2019, 08:37:27 AM
Quote from: JWBower
My Dearest Rose,
I'm afraid I must be the bearer of bad news. My flight has already been delayed a fortnight, and I fear it will be longer. The army has shut down the airport and the airplane will not be invented for 6 score and 7 years.
Quote from: George T.
Apparently we took La Guardia Airport from the Brits in 1776 and have been trying to give it back for 243 years.
Quote from: M A K
"One if by sea, Two if by land and Three if by AIR"
Quote from: Laura H.
Martha,
Trying my damndest to make the 5:15 flight out of Philly, but the Valley Forge traffic is a nightmare. Leave a lantern on for me...
Yours, George
Quote from: Bearsheba
Airport PA:
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson
Please pick up the white courtesy horn.
Post by: krissel on July 06, 2019, 03:02:36 AM
My favorite:
Quote
“Listen, my children, and you shall hear, of the midnight flight delay of Paul Revere.”
Post by: jchuzi on July 16, 2019, 08:44:43 AM
“If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt." -Dean Martin
“I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." -Gerald Ford
“I'll always remember the day I broke ninety." I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine." -Bruce Lansky
“I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced." -Lee Trevino
“I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.” -David Brenner
“Most people play a fair game of golf…if you watch them like a hawk.” -Joey Adams
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun." – Jim Bishop
“The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.” -Mickey Mantle
“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it." -Ted Ray
“Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." -James Murray
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 16, 2019, 09:37:49 AM
Quote
I just had my patience tested.
I'm negative.
Post by: jchuzi on July 21, 2019, 09:33:23 AM
Parking is such street sorrow.
Post by: jchuzi on July 21, 2019, 07:09:36 PM
Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 30, 2019, 11:56:21 AM
Quote
Cletus is passing by Billy Ray Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left in a very tantalizing manner. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall slowly down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Ray Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Ray Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Post by: jchuzi on August 03, 2019, 05:42:25 AM
He replied, "Yes, I probably would."
She: "Would you sleep in our bed?"
He: "Certainly."
She: "Would she wear my jewelry?"
He: "I don't see why not."
She: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
He: "No, she's left handed."
She: Silence
He: "Oops!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 22, 2019, 04:23:25 PM
Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their beaks and vestigial wings, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
:scram:
:deadhorse:
:stop:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
:scram:
:deadhorse:
:stop:
Post by: jchuzi on August 22, 2019, 05:48:40 PM
Post by: jchuzi on August 23, 2019, 10:30:41 AM
Roy Rogers bought a new pair of cowboy boots and left them on the porch overnight. When he awoke the following morning, a mountain lion was busy eating them. He ran out on the porch but the lion escaped. Naturally, he was very angry and he told one of his ranch hands to catch it. An hour later, the ranch hand returned with the lion at the end of a rope, spitting and roaring. The ranch hand tapped Rogers on the shoulder and sang:
"Pardon me Roy,
Is this the cat who chewed your new shoes." :Devilish:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 23, 2019, 05:58:06 PM
FAKE NEWS!!!!
Louis XIV never saw any Roy Rogers TV shows!!! Movies, maybe...
But the Andrews Sisters weren't even born until he was gone!! :flail: :rant:
Post by: eric j on September 05, 2019, 10:27:41 AM
President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."
President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"
Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, "l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 06, 2019, 11:20:27 AM
Quote
Celebrating 50 Years Of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' (https://one.npr.org/?sharedMediaId=767095471:767095472)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 07, 2019, 04:16:16 PM
Post by: Highmac on October 08, 2019, 02:02:10 PM
More on "SPAM"!QuoteCelebrating 50 Years Of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' (https://one.npr.org/?sharedMediaId=767095471:767095472)
I'm pretty sure I still have (in a box somewhere!) a 45 single of the Spam Song, backed by the Lumberjack Song - which I'm sure was much appreciated in Canada. IIRC it was a publicity copy sent to the paper I worked for at the time and it was left in the "help yourself" pile on the end of a desk.
Wonder if it's worth more now than a tin of Spam :Thinking:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 08, 2019, 02:27:50 PM
Quote
Wonder if it's worth more now than a tin of SpamEasily!! :thumbup:
Post by: jchuzi on November 26, 2019, 06:11:27 PM
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey,! " died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 26, 2019, 07:47:54 PM
Perhaps then the rest of us can...
:wallbash:
:doh:
:scram:
:wallbash:
:doh:
:scram:
Post by: jchuzi on November 28, 2019, 09:19:51 AM
A man was consumed by his desire to know the meaning of life. He sold all his possessions and used the proceeds to travel around the world in search of a guru who could answer this important question. Finally, he found the guru at the top of a mountain in Tibet. The following conversation ensued:
man: O wise one, what is the meaning of life?
guru: The Hokey Pokey.
man (incredulous): The Hokey Pokey!!?
guru (shrugs): That's what it's all about.
Post by: Highmac on December 09, 2019, 06:01:25 AM
It's not a huge inconvenience.
But there is a knock-on effect...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 09, 2019, 08:07:57 AM
Post by: jchuzi on December 09, 2019, 08:12:47 AM
There will not be a Nativity Scene in Washington this Christmas. It seems that they could not find three wise men and a virgin.
Post by: Frances144 on December 09, 2019, 11:10:24 AM
Post by: Highmac on December 09, 2019, 01:15:49 PM
Many of them are the same ones he was cracking on Radio 1 back in the 60s....
Guess where the 'stolen bell' joke came from :toothgrin:
Post by: Frances144 on December 10, 2019, 10:51:58 AM
Post by: Highmac on December 11, 2019, 02:25:04 AM
Little lad comes home from school. He's in a terrible state - blood everywhere, shirt ripped, buttons torn off.
His mother takes one look at him and asks - "whatever happened to you?"
"I fell out with Jim."
"But Jim's your best pal."
"I know but we fell out, and as we'd been learning about duels, I challenged him to one - and one of the rules is that whoever accepts the challenge gets the choice of weapons."
His mother looked at the state of him and said "whatever did he choose?"
"His sister."
Post by: Frances144 on December 11, 2019, 11:35:09 AM
Post by: Highmac on December 12, 2019, 01:41:02 PM
Quote
The definition of knowing what a woman really wants: “It’s like trying to figure out what colour the letter seven smells like."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 12, 2019, 02:50:59 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 12, 2019, 03:30:19 PM
My mother would sometimes curse, and then she would say, "Excuse my French." On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher asked, "Does anyone know any French words?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 12, 2019, 04:46:54 PM
Quote
the teacher asked, "Does anyone know any French words?"Were you in my kindergarten? We actually learned French words for various things in a doll house! The first word of the previous sentence is the only French word I remember... OTOH, I think it's great that I can even remember attending kindergarten! :yahoo:
Post by: jwboyd on December 12, 2019, 07:10:56 PM
Post by: Highmac on February 04, 2020, 03:32:17 AM
Just found the Windows Waltz (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGKwx-BFO0E) on YouTube. Of course, I was looking for something completely different at the time - what did you expect? :D
Have to admit I had never heard of Rainer Hersch, but seems he has been around for quite a while creating music and laughter.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 17, 2020, 09:09:43 AM
Pointy-haired boss on "apadtors" (https://dilbert.com/strip/2020-02-17?utm_source=dilbert.com/newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=brand-loyalty&utm_content=strip-date)
Post by: jchuzi on February 17, 2020, 09:42:15 AM
Post by: jchuzi on March 17, 2020, 02:30:41 PM
A tourist passed by Beethoven's grave and heard scratching sounds. Becoming alarmed, she notified the authorities, who dug into the ground to reveal Beethoven erasing whole sections of his fifth symphony. When someone asked what he was doing, he replied, "decomposing".
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 17, 2020, 02:37:27 PM
:eek: :inspect: :wacko:
Post by: jchuzi on March 17, 2020, 05:05:45 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 18, 2020, 02:16:52 PM
Judy insisted on these shutters when we built the house. I’m thinking we might also want to put windows in these openings, also. :dntknw: :coolio: Might mke it harder for wasps and other creatures to 'visit'. :Thinking:
Post by: Highmac on March 19, 2020, 12:54:38 PM
Apparently Greece is running out of hummus and taramasolata due to stock piling.
Economists are predicting a double dip recession.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 19, 2020, 01:12:45 PM
Post by: Jack W on March 20, 2020, 07:59:37 AM
"Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn't forward that message to 10 other people."
"Like a good neighbor, stay over there."
"Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. Seems nice."
Above courtesy Bob Dyer, Akron Beacon Journal, from Facebook pages.
Jack
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 20, 2020, 09:22:45 AM
The Battle of Three British Grandmothers! (https://www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-51951583/coronavirus-three-grandmothers-self-isolating-together?utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20200320&utm_term=4470804&utm_campaign=news&utm_id=1982930&orgid=467) :salute: :thumbup: :clap:
Stop your whining and pass the wine!
Post by: Highmac on March 21, 2020, 08:11:59 AM
Neil, do you know these ladies?
The Battle of Three British Grandmothers! (https://www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-51951583/coronavirus-three-grandmothers-self-isolating-together?utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20200320&utm_term=4470804&utm_campaign=news&utm_id=1982930&orgid=467) :salute: :thumbup: :clap:
Stop your whining and pass the wine!
No - they are about 180 miles away in what's known to us in the south as "Oop North” :D
They are certainly a merry trio - loved the line about having been together for so long that "we do squabble - that's normal"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 21, 2020, 10:40:47 AM
BYT, I edited you raw code a bit, I think I may have made your label bigger than it was supposed to be, I think it was that unusual [size=78%] tag... :wallbash: [/size]
Post by: jwboyd on March 21, 2020, 01:55:33 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 21, 2020, 02:30:03 PM
Quote
You can find it on YouTube.WHAT?! You want us to spend our precious time searching because you are too lazy to copy and paste a link??!! Are you another of those beach-partying, invincible youngins'???!!! :p :yahoo:
.
.
.
On the other hand, I'm glad you didn't post a link! This is supposed to be a family-friendly site, ya no!!! :blush-anim-cl: :eek: :Devilish:
Post by: Highmac on March 22, 2020, 06:40:59 AM
Not sure what "Oop North" means. Perhaps you can enlighten us non-English speakers?
It's just the way people Up North say "Up North" :D
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 22, 2020, 09:12:46 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 26, 2020, 10:10:05 AM
Post by: jchuzi on March 30, 2020, 06:32:15 AM
He asked a listener who these people were. The listener replied, "What!? You never heard of the Moron Tap-An-Apple Choir?"
Post by: jchuzi on March 30, 2020, 10:10:44 AM
so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum x :yahoo:
Post by: Highmac on March 30, 2020, 10:58:55 AM
Yes, I know how to spell it... I just don't know when to stop :toothgrin:
Post by: Highmac on April 02, 2020, 06:02:03 AM
Because he was baroque...
Post by: jchuzi on April 02, 2020, 06:05:30 AM
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?That's really bad. I insist that you take it Bach. If you don't, you should go into Haydn. Just so everyone knows, I'm keeping a Chopin Liszt of all these musical posts when I go to the store.
Because he was baroque...
Post by: Highmac on April 02, 2020, 09:57:26 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 02, 2020, 09:59:40 AM
Post by: jchuzi on April 02, 2020, 06:51:40 PM
With today's situation a new car, a perfect lawn or garden, a new in-ground pool just doesn't have the impact of being "one up" on the neighbors.
Therefore, to make an impact that's sure raise your social standing, just put a couple of rolls of toilet paper in the window - more rolls means more respect and a higher social standing!
However if your neighbors are up to the challenge, and have matched you roll for roll, placing a bottle or two of hand sanitizer in your window is sure to show them who's the boss - especially if its Purell and not some store brand!
Be careful to make sure your home is secure first as you could be inviting trouble!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 17, 2020, 03:25:49 PM
Quote from: JG
...but remember, they still have to let 1st class, premier, super premier, super duper premier, super duper premier plus, super premier plus gold, silver, and bronze, active military (I support this one), people named Fred who look important, people who need extra time, people travelling[sic] with people who need extra time, families, people travelling[sic] with families, people who wished they had families, people with a lot of miles, people with less miles but spend a lot, people who don't have many miles, don't spend a lot, don't fly a lot, but paid the fee to get on early.....and then we will board from the back of the plane forward....oh wait, everyone's on....now if we can only get those over-sized carry-ons into the overhead bins...but wait...they can be checked in for free at the gate...bahaha to the fools who checked them curbside and paid for the service....you can't even get on early....but that's another post
Post by: jchuzi on April 17, 2020, 05:04:07 PM
Post by: Highmac on April 22, 2020, 10:02:16 AM
A. I DON'T KNOW AND I DON'T CARE.
Also, I don't care if jokes are repeated :D
Post by: jchuzi on April 22, 2020, 01:17:15 PM
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 23, 2020, 11:12:51 AM
Quote
Turns out my top 3 hobbies are:
1. Eating at restaurants
2. Going to non-essential businesses
3. Touching my face
Quote
Quarantine Day 20:
Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Post by: jchuzi on April 23, 2020, 12:00:08 PM
Post by: jchuzi on April 25, 2020, 12:53:16 PM
Post by: jchuzi on April 25, 2020, 12:54:49 PM
Post by: jchuzi on April 26, 2020, 07:43:56 AM
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Post by: Highmac on April 26, 2020, 11:54:42 AM
Despite the enforced isolation, my wife truly loves me. She will go to any lengths to protect me from corona virus. Just this morning, when I woke up, she was holding a pillow tightly over my face.
I see three possibilities:
1) You are not married
2) You are married but your wife does not know where you post
3) You are married and have a very strong password for your browser.
Alternative suggestions from other posters most welcome :D
Post by: jchuzi on April 26, 2020, 12:53:33 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 01, 2020, 05:25:04 PM
Post by: jchuzi on May 01, 2020, 06:19:22 PM
Post by: Highmac on May 02, 2020, 06:51:31 AM
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic, who straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.
"I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $1.5 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 07, 2020, 10:44:30 AM
Some of you disliked having chickens in the back yard. Llama's not only provide possibly useful anti-bodies, they will keep the grass cut!. Just remember:
Quote
“if they don’t like you, they’ll spit.”
Post by: jchuzi on May 07, 2020, 06:56:15 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 08, 2020, 09:42:55 AM
Post by: Highmac on May 09, 2020, 04:19:17 AM
A DOG walks into a grocer's shop with a basket in its mouth. The shopkeeper spots there's a shopping list and some money inside the basket and fishes it out. He reads the list, places items on it into the basket along with the change and watches, awestruck, as the mutt leaves the shop, the heavy basket in his teeth.
This continues for weeks.
Finally, the shopkeeper decides to follow the dog. He watches as the dog trots up the driveway of a rundown property a mile away from the grocer's shop. The pet places the basket gently on the ground and presses the doorbell with his nose.
A little old lady opens the door and begins striking the canine with a stick.
"Stop! Stop!" shrieks the shopkeeper. "How could you do such a thing? That is the most intelligent dog I've ever seen."
"Intelligent, my arse!" shouts the old crone. "That's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys."
Post by: Highmac on May 09, 2020, 11:52:16 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 09, 2020, 12:47:17 PM
WARNING!!
Keep your International Social Distancing from Neil!! He is obviously testing positive!!!
:scram:
Post by: jchuzi on May 09, 2020, 05:26:07 PM
Ten cows were put into orbit. It was the herd shot round the world.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 13, 2020, 05:43:42 PM
Got some shoes SWMBO ordered for me a few days ago. Left them in garage for several days until all the COVID-19 virus died. Not sure when the last ones were added to the boxes, so we just count the days since we find them on the porch. Also not sure if this virus is aware of their death time schedule... but I digress. Anyway, time to try them on and make sure they fit! Party time!!! :yahoo:
I always put on the left shoe first, as it is about one size larger than the right. Whoa! "What size did you order? This thing is seriously tight!!" :WOW: She claimed they were the exact size I am currently wearing, of course.
So I took the shoe off so she could check the size label. (You must understand, I am not capable of buying my own clothes. I wore a uniform most of my so-called 'adult' life, so it was my wife's job to buy my 'casual' attire. Made sense to me anyway. And she has much better taste in clothes [and practically everything else] than me!)
The size was correct, at least the new shoes claimed to be the same size as I wear in the same brand, model, style, etc. So, the obvious conclusion is that either my foot had grown in the last few months or the shoe company mis-labeled these shoes! What else could it be?! :Thinking: :doh: :eek:
Well, she came up with another reason... the wadded up tissue paper in the toe was still in the shoe!! :blush-anim-cl: :whistling: :nono: :wallbash:
I have no idea why she left that in there! :coolio: :rofl:
It did bring back memories of a similar incident when our #1 Son was still in those high-top shoes when he was just learning to walk. He was unusually 'fussy' all day, but had no noticeable problems. When we changed him into his PJs that night, the cause of his 'complaining' became obvious! Somehow, there was a wadded up sock in the toe of one of the shoes!!!
:flail: :oops: :why-me: :blush:
He taught me well?!
Post by: jchuzi on May 13, 2020, 06:51:48 PM
*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.
*Blue Skype thinking*
A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium”. Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.
*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.
*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.
*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.
*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.
*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.
*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.
*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.
*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.
*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.
*Coughin’ dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.
*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.
*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”.
*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.
Post by: jchuzi on May 16, 2020, 06:50:57 AM
Post by: jchuzi on May 22, 2020, 02:23:52 PM
The rabbi says, "I'll speak to your wife. Come back tomorrow and we'll talk."
The next day, the man returns and the rabbi tells him, "I spoke with your wife for about three hours yesterday. My advice is to take the poison."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 25, 2020, 09:33:28 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 25, 2020, 10:23:09 AM
If the holder is not used appropriately, the last image can be the result. That is not dirt on those keys. So far, the only operational result, after several weeks since "the incident", is the lack of the "&"/"7" key to register with the OS about 77% of the time. Since I dubul chek al my speling, that is not to bigg a problum. :p
Post by: Highmac on May 29, 2020, 03:40:45 AM
I called back "It's 1.30am".
Luckily he hadn't woken me because I was practising my bagpipes...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 29, 2020, 11:38:04 AM
Dilbert Perspective?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 29, 2020, 12:34:11 PM
How We Made: Airplane! (https://www.theguardian.com/film/2020/may/25/how-we-made-airplane-the-movie)
Post by: jchuzi on May 29, 2020, 02:36:00 PM
EDIT: Let me add some more: You Don't Mess With The Zohan, and all Pink Panther films with Peter Sellers. If you can deal with the bizarre, often outrageous (definitely not politically correct) humor, try Borat.
Post by: Highmac on May 30, 2020, 11:43:04 AM
Apparently she was not expecting me to say Marilyn Monroe :D
Edit to add: We would include the zany It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057193/). 1963 may be too far back for many of you, but it's worth seeing (IMHO), featuring most of the famous comedians of the era.
Post by: jchuzi on May 30, 2020, 12:52:06 PM
Post by: jwboyd on June 01, 2020, 06:49:56 PM
Too bashful to propose personally and too impatient to write, he said (by telephone) “My dear, dear Suzy, will you marry me?” She answered promptly “Yes, I will – who are you?”
Thanks, Frances!
(Edited to correct the date)
Post by: Highmac on June 17, 2020, 06:22:03 AM
A man and wife, now in their 60s, are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy comes to them and says they have been so good that each could have one wish.
The wife wishes for a world trip with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she has air/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wishes for a female companion 30 years younger.....
Whoosh!...immediately he turns 90!
Post by: Highmac on June 17, 2020, 09:38:52 AM
I got a Neighbourhood Watch email this week urging me to alert older relatives to scams. I'm now at an age where I have no older relatives, so I've forwarded it to my son... :toothgrin:
Post by: Highmac on June 26, 2020, 12:43:22 PM
"Thank you - but un oeuf is un oeuf"
How do scientists work out how heavy an orca is?
They go to the whale-weigh station
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 26, 2020, 02:34:16 PM
That last one only works well in Europe. We don't have many whale weigh stations in the US any more. Unless you are located along one of the very few "whale" lines outside the eastern Whale corridor. 100+ years ago, passenger trains were "superior" to all other "whale" traffic. Now it is exactly the opposite.
Post by: Highmac on June 27, 2020, 07:38:50 AM
Post by: jchuzi on June 27, 2020, 08:54:00 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 27, 2020, 11:37:53 AM
Post by: Highmac on July 08, 2020, 04:22:57 AM
To aid social distancing, lanes 1, 3 and 5 will have no water in them.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 08, 2020, 09:37:22 AM
Post by: jchuzi on July 09, 2020, 07:20:41 AM
After that incident, I decided to take up singing, for which I had even less ability. I went from bad to voice.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 09, 2020, 09:50:49 AM
Post by: jchuzi on July 09, 2020, 11:12:24 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 18, 2020, 10:02:26 AM
I'm negative!
:clap:
:clap:
Post by: jchuzi on July 18, 2020, 11:16:51 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 05, 2020, 09:31:13 AM
I'm ded. (https://www.npr.org/2020/07/22/894145741/typos-spell-trouble-for-mans-alleged-attempt-to-fake-his-own-death)
Quote
"Submitting fake documents to prosecutors is always a bad idea, ... failure to use spell check made this alleged fraud especially glaring.":coolio: :judge:
Wrong choice for a 'comfort animal'? :toothgrin:
...siblings Kevin and Carol — are now banned from a hotel in a tiny town in Australia's vast Outback. (https://www.npr.org/2020/07/28/896235721/emus-have-been-banned-for-bad-behavior-a-hotel-in-australia-s-outback-says) :nono:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 12, 2020, 11:24:00 AM
- K.C. Goodman
Gather all the little toys and trinkets in your house. Follow your housemates around showing off each toy while shouting “One euro one euro one euro!” - A.K. Barry
Wash all your unmentionables in the sink and then drape them over every possible bit of furniture in the bedroom. - G. Benner
Use suitcases for dirty laundry instead of a hamper. Then it is just like unpacking from vacation for every single load! - L.T. Winn
Tell everyone else in the house to pretend they don’t speak English and talk slowly and loudly to them. - M. Brouwer
Refuse to acknowledge anyone until they say, “Bonjour Madame.” - D.D. Fleenor
When you do get that occasional trip out, wear your money belt. To pay for things, pull up your shirt and dig out your money. - R. Aina
Stand in your linen closet with a suitcase and pretend you’re in a classic old European hotel lift. - M.L. Moore
Place your La-Z-Boy in front of your partner’s favorite chair then recline it all the way back as if on an airplane. - E. Reilly
Serve your housemates tepid water, and say you'll be right back. Return three hours later and ask if they would like some bread. - M.L. Nichols
Give your partner a random flower or sprig of rosemary and then yell at them when they don’t pay for it. - J. Kraft
Get up at 4 AM and set your suitcases outside the door. - A. Darbo
Drink your milk at room temperature. If you prefer it cold, have your roommate bring you one solitary cube of ice on a doily-lined saucer. - L. Miller
When someone does something wrong, wag your finger and say “Nein! Ist verboten!”
Post by: Highmac on August 17, 2020, 05:18:52 AM
Have you ever tried blindfold archery?
You don't know what you're missing..
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 18, 2020, 02:45:34 PM
Post by: kimmer on August 18, 2020, 07:06:21 PM
Airplane! is on my short list of the funniest movies ever made (I bought the DVD). The others, in no particular order, are Young Frankenstein, Some Like It Hot, The Princess Bride, The Great Race, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum, A Night At The Opera, and Duck Soup. I may have omitted some, but I definitely recommend these to aficionados of comedy.Late to the party, but who cares, right?
I'll agree on Some Like It Hot and The Princess Bride. I’ll add Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, Arsenic and Old Lace, What’s Up, Doc? Bringing Up Baby, Monsters, Inc; and for TV shows nothing compares to Keeping Up Appearances with Patricia Routledge.
I actually have a long list of comedies that I enjoy, as well as my very long list of movies that I enjoy. I won't bore you with those. ;)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 18, 2020, 09:22:37 PM
Quote
won't bore you with those.Bore? BORE??!! Just hearing someone outside the house talking [writing] about ... anything(!) helps me to remember there is still life in progress!! The mailman has stared hiding down the street until I go back inside just to avoid my attempts at 'conversations'! :dntknw: :tears:
Post by: jchuzi on August 19, 2020, 12:12:22 PM
1. Sense is not common.
2. Shortcuts take longer.
3. When Einstein concluded that human stupidity is infinite, he underestimated the size of infinity.
Post by: kimmer on August 19, 2020, 04:54:12 PM
Not much time to chat. I am busy sorting, trashing, packing. Moving date is set for 10/5.Quotewon't bore you with those.Bore? BORE??!! Just hearing someone outside the house talking [writing] about ... anything(!) helps me to remember there is still life in progress!! The mailman has stared hiding down the street until I go back inside just to avoid my attempts at 'conversations'! :dntknw: :tears:
Post by: Highmac on August 23, 2020, 10:41:35 AM
Never marry a tennis pro. Love means nothing to them.
Do you keep falling over for no apparent reason? Call tripadvisor.......
Post by: jchuzi on August 23, 2020, 11:15:16 AM
One atom said to another, "I think that I lost an electron." The second said, "Are you sure?" The first replied, "I'm positive."
Post by: gunug on August 28, 2020, 09:37:11 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 31, 2020, 07:13:19 PM
The wife fainted...
Post by: Highmac on September 02, 2020, 03:46:22 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 11, 2020, 10:31:49 AM
Dilbert 2020-09-11 (https://dilbert.com/strip/2020-09-11?utm_source=dilbert.com/newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=brand-loyalty&utm_content=strip-image)
:whistling:
:whistling:
Post by: jchuzi on October 08, 2020, 11:35:27 AM
Statistics show that women who carry some extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Post by: jwboyd on October 09, 2020, 03:39:37 PM
Groaners:
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do the letters D N A stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Post by: jchuzi on October 09, 2020, 04:31:57 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 19, 2020, 02:46:18 PM
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Felix in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 22, 2020, 01:38:16 PM
Quote
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.
:dntknw:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 21, 2020, 08:18:18 AM
Post by: jchuzi on November 28, 2020, 06:56:37 PM
"I'm tired of all you chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Post by: Highmac on November 29, 2020, 04:23:47 PM
Albert Einstein walks into a bar and orders a double whisky.
"Sorry", said the barman, "I can't serve you."
"Why not?", asked Einstein.
"You've had too much to think.”
Hey folks, we just need a few more to reach Page 100 by New Year
Post by: jchuzi on December 06, 2020, 05:59:14 AM
A computer is the perfect gift for the woman who doesn't find her husband sufficiently frustrating.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 07, 2020, 01:09:31 PM
Owners have reported they've sold $1.3 million in merchandise
Quote
includ[ing] their "Make America rake again" and "Lawn and Order" shirts.:rofl:
Post by: kimmer on December 09, 2020, 11:51:33 AM
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
A naive person said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 09, 2020, 03:48:56 PM
I think most new cars are built with Microsoft programs. Otherwise, why would you stop the engine by pressing the "Start" button? :doh:
Post by: jchuzi on December 09, 2020, 04:12:44 PM
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”
Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)...I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don’t sing!
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are...
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
Cronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Post by: Highmac on December 10, 2020, 04:10:04 AM
Post by: jchuzi on December 10, 2020, 07:48:06 AM
SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. "
SL: "It's logical. He wants us."
SM: "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."
A little while later...
SM: "It's not working."
SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too."
SM : "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."
SL: "The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."
The man decides to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me."
SM : "Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: "I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : "And...?"
SL: "He reached me."
SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up."
SM: " Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"
SL: "He pulled down his pants."
SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?"
SL: "Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down."
And for those of you who thought this would be dirty, Say two Rosaries!
Post by: kimmer on December 11, 2020, 09:02:40 AM
Quote
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: kimmer on December 11, 2020, 09:04:37 AM
2. Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, ”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.” The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow. The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He's Moving!
3. When my daughter asked about two look-alike classmates at her school, I told her that were probably twins. The next day, she came home from school all excited and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"
4. A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell. Yes, says the receptionist irritably. Excuse me, says the woman, but I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please? The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all.
5. I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
6. A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."
7. Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?" He answered, "Shut Up." He asked again "What's your name?" "Shut Up." The police asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!" "Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."
8. With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion
Post by: jchuzi on December 14, 2020, 08:45:15 AM
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel…you know how to fish!"
Post by: kimmer on December 16, 2020, 09:49:49 AM
A grumble bee.
2. A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
3. "Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
4. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it!
5. Did you hear about the man who bought a dog with no legs?
He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.
6. What Not To Tell A Friend: You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd really, really miss you and think of you often.
7. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
8. Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man. "You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" "I'm waiting," Jon said. "Waiting for what?" asked Jim. "Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."
9. An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yuck!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
10. What song does Tarzan always sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 16, 2020, 11:10:39 AM
So, Kimmer, "".
:scram:
Post by: jchuzi on December 16, 2020, 11:38:55 AM
My mother always told me that if I couldn't say something nice I should not say anything.Bette Davis must have known your mother. When Joan Crawford died, Davis said "Of the dead say nothing but good. Crawford is dead. Good."
So, Kimmer, "".:scram:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 16, 2020, 05:01:14 PM
Quote from: Sen Kevin Cramer
"Well, it seems to me that being elected by the Electoral College is a threshold where a title like that is probably most appropriate, and it's, I suppose you can say official, if there is such a thing as official president-elect, or anything-else-elect. And there's an inauguration that will swear somebody in, and that person will be the president of the United States, but whether you call it that or not, you know, there are legal challenges that are ongoing - not very many - probably not a remedy that would change the outcome but, so, I don't - again, I don't know how politician refers to another politician, but it does look to me like the big race is really between the inaugural committee and the Justice Department at this point, so we'll see how the emails turn out."
Who says life is not funnier than any comedian?
Bonus! If you can read that text aloud
with only one breath,
you will receive a free
pass to the
Inauguration Parade!
(transportation, food & boarding not included)
with only one breath,
you will receive a free
pass to the
Inauguration Parade!
(transportation, food & boarding not included)
Post by: kimmer on December 21, 2020, 08:46:37 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 21, 2020, 09:28:40 AM
Post by: kimmer on December 22, 2020, 08:32:17 AM
The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.' 'Fine.' I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.' I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'
Post by: kimmer on December 26, 2020, 09:49:14 AM
Post by: jchuzi on December 27, 2020, 12:37:07 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 27, 2020, 04:53:48 PM
Quote
President Trump escalates his attacks on TikTok, a Chinese-owned social media app that threatens our national security by causing millions of Americans to learn stupid dances while Chinese people are making useful products to sell to Americans. The president wants to force TikTok to be sold to Microsoft, apparently in the hope that Microsoft will render it unusable by means of “updates.”Pictures at Ten!
Post by: kimmer on December 28, 2020, 10:01:39 AM
Post by: jwboyd on December 28, 2020, 02:12:14 PM
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 28, 2020, 07:10:27 PM
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they'd had in their life.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff, he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.
Well, I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed up my gun,
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop, fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent, Roy, I'll see ya in court."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 29, 2020, 10:50:49 AM
1. Republicans: one, but they are so angry at being asked that they break two bulbs and the next time it needs changing they deny the dark.
2. Democrats: one, but they have no spares, then buy the wrong bulbs so they have to make two costly trips to the store to get it done.
3. Libertarians: none, since there is no government there is no electric power and light bulbs are unnecessary.
4. Trade Unionists: three. A senior bulb procurer hired by the Republicans that also greets at Walmart, a junior bulb locator hired by the Democrats to keep the bulb drawers filled, and an immigrant that screws bulbs.
5. Communists: thousands, since the five year plan will require public bulb screwing training for everyone on pain of death, but there are no light bulbs so everyone waits in the dark afraid to fall asleep.
6. Ex-Communist Oligarchs: three. A Senior bulb procurer hired by the Communists that also greets at Gum, a junior bulb locator hired by Cossacks to keep the bulb drawers filled, and a Trump primate that screws bulbs.
7. Liberals: two. One Democrat and one relative to stand around and complain about angst and guilt of not using LED bulbs.
8. Socialists: two. One to screw in the light bulb and one more to write an Op Ed experience about the ordeal for the house blog.
9. Progressives: two: a Democrat and someone to caucus with the Democrats about bulb screwing rights and privileges.
10. Fascists: five: One to screw in the light bulb and four as support staff to strafe passing civilians as cover.
11. Freedom Caucusers: two. One illegal immigrant who changes the bulb and another one to appear on Fox News to decry illegal immigrants for changing light bulbs.
What's your favorite "How-many-does-it-take" joke?
PS: Some may think this is political, but i think every 'side' is tarred equally! :thumbup: :clap:
Post by: kimmer on January 01, 2021, 09:50:27 AM
- What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
- What's a cows favorite holiday? Moo Year's Eve.
- They say New York City has the best New Year's celebration, but I say it's overrated. Every year they drop the ball.
- Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they didn't planet in time.
- Why do you need a jeweler on December 31? To ring in the New Year.
- I thought I got lost on New Year's Eve, but then I found the Auld Lang sign.
- My New Year's resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.
- I'm going to stay up late this New Year's Eve. Not to ring in the New Year, but to make sure this one leaves.
- My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate. I'll start tomorrow.
- I was going to give up all of my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that no one likes a quitter.
- Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.
- What did the ghost say on January 1? "Happy Boo Year"
- Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve? He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.
Post by: kimmer on January 04, 2021, 11:39:52 AM
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 04, 2021, 03:19:23 PM
Quote
"I left the room key in the car!"And that is why there are "house phones" on every floor. :Thinking: :yes:
Post by: kimmer on January 06, 2021, 04:51:19 PM
A: The outside.
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
Post by: kimmer on January 08, 2021, 10:02:19 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 08, 2021, 10:43:37 AM
Post by: jwboyd on January 12, 2021, 02:22:39 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpAKcQufacc
Post by: kimmer on January 12, 2021, 07:07:51 PM
My son sent me this link, along with permission to post it here. I had a good laugh over it. Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpAKcQufacc
:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
PS: I saw Snowball's cousin in there. :wub: (which seems to be missing from our smilies)
Edited because I'd missed the heart smiley, and now it's there thanks to xABD
Post by: jchuzi on January 18, 2021, 01:39:20 PM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill found a half frozen tiny bird as he walked home so he put it in his pocket to give it a chance of survival. When he showed the wife, she told him how much she loved him for being so kind and sensitive, so he thought he'd try for a bit of sex as she was in a good mood.
Aghast, she said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
Post by: kimmer on January 19, 2021, 10:07:13 AM
Bill found a half frozen tiny bird as he walked home so he put it in his pocket to give it a chance of survival. When he showed the wife, she told him how much she loved him for being so kind and sensitive, so he thought he'd try for a bit of sex as she was in a good mood.
Aghast, she said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Post by: kimmer on January 19, 2021, 10:17:30 AM
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, “Does anyone want a cup of coffee?” “Yes please!” we said. He replied, “What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!" The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 19, 2021, 10:25:19 AM
Post by: jwboyd on January 19, 2021, 02:13:56 PM
"We were so happy to say goodbye to 2020, but now we're stuck with 2021!"
Post by: kimmer on February 02, 2021, 12:35:18 PM
Knock knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine, Hawaii you?
Knock knock. Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are, asking me so many questions?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business.
Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? God bless you.
Knock knock. Who's there? Mustache. Mustache who? Mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.
Knock knock. Who's there? Amish. Amish who? Really? You don't look like a shoe.
Knock knock. Who's there? Gorilla. Gorilla who? Gorilla me a hamburger.
Knock knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.
Knock knock. Who's there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the volume, I love this song!
Knock knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock knock. Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Knock knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No, car go "beep beep"!
Knock knock. Who's there? Icing. Icing who? Icing so loud, the neighbors can hear.
Knock knock. Who's there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.
Knock knock. Who's there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!
Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Dang! All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.
Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in it's cold out here.
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my bubble gum!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 02, 2021, 03:24:31 PM
Who's there?
OH NO!!!
It's kimmer!!!
:scram:
It's kimmer!!!
:scram:
Post by: Highmac on February 02, 2021, 04:03:48 PM
Doctor...
Post by: kimmer on February 03, 2021, 09:03:09 AM
Knock knock! Who’s there?:rofl:
Doctor...
Post by: kimmer on February 03, 2021, 09:10:11 AM
Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Hey, don't cry!
Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice door open or what?
Knock knock. Who's there? Theodore! Theodore who? Theodore wasn't open so I knocked.
Knock knock. Who's there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you, now hand over the cash!
Knock knock. Who's there? Pecan! Pecan who? Pecan somebody your own size!
Knock knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub already. I'm drowning!
Knock knock. Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie way you can let me in now?
Knock knock. Who's there? Cantaloupe! Cantaloupe who? Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Knock knock. Who's there? Closure. Closure who? Closure mouth while you're chewing!
Knock knock. Who's there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, but I'd love some peanuts!
Knock knock. Who's there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock knock jokes!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 03, 2021, 11:31:53 AM
Post by: kimmer on February 04, 2021, 09:25:52 AM
2. Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but he decides to serve them anyway. "What'll it be, boys?" The first vampire says, "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says, "I, too, wish for blood!" The third vampire says, "Give me plasma." The bartender smiles and says, "Got it. Two bloods and a blood-light."
3. Confusius say, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
4. In the line-up at the store, a man overheard the checkout clerk ask the lady in front of him if she had an air miles card. “Oh, yes,” she said. “I have enough air miles to get to where my son lives.” “That's wonderful,” said the cashier. “My son doesn't think so,” the lady replied. “I don't have enough to get back.”
5. Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under are not admitted.
6. Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
7. Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
Post by: kimmer on February 04, 2021, 09:26:29 AM
If those are coming from “friends” you need to check into finding some knew ones!!! :yes: :laughhard:I'm going to use the "closure" one on my grandson. ;)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 04, 2021, 09:40:30 AM
Ylsuoires, enjoy watching your GD's! Remember, you and they have a common enemy! :yes:
Last time mine moved to FL, I discovered that it is NOT illegal for parents to take their kids across state lines! Who knew?! :dntknw: :WOW:
Post by: jchuzi on February 04, 2021, 09:54:03 AM
Learn from your parents' mistakes: Use birth control.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 04, 2021, 10:48:37 AM
"fuhgitaboutit!!" Our parents were the stupidest people we know... until we got older! :whoosh: :wallbash:
Post by: kimmer on February 05, 2021, 09:37:27 AM
What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!
A police man pulls over a drunk driver for not stopping at a stop sign and asks the driver if he saw the stop sign. The driver replies "I did but it turned red too fast for me to stop."
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
Knock knock. Who's there? Figs! Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it's broken!
Knock knock. Who's there? Yacht. Yacht who? Yacht to know me by now!
Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes a nice place you got here.
Knock knock. Who's there? Mikey! Mikey who? Mikey doesn't fit in the keyhole!
Knock knock. Who's there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yes, they do.
Knock knock. Who's there? Sherlock. Sherlock who? Sherlock your door tight.
Knock knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, thou looketh tired!
Post by: kimmer on February 10, 2021, 09:15:47 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 10, 2021, 10:01:04 AM
Speaking of "kids"...
Here's a story on one in Minneapolis: 8-Year-Old Calls Out NPR For Lack Of Dinosaur Stories (https://one.npr.org/?sharedMediaId=965953078:965966862&utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20210210&utm_term=5166328&utm_campaign=news&utm_id=1982930&orgid=467)
There's a link to read the story, but I think the audio is better! :thumbup:
Post by: jchuzi on February 13, 2021, 07:07:25 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 13, 2021, 07:45:50 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 15, 2021, 10:48:30 AM
Quote
What food has made you wonder, "How did our ancestors discover that this was edible?"I yield my concerns for calf (or any other animal) livers...
I'm Norwegian, pretty much our entire traditional kitchen is like that.
One particular highlight that makes a real head-scratcher, though, is Lutefisk.
Here's what you do to make some:
• Grab an appropriately sized, dried cod that you have lying around (as you do).
• Saw it in half, and leave the parts in freezing cold water for 5-6 days. Keep the cold water running so that it changes continuously, or add ice cubes if you can not. Add extra time if your cod happened to be extra large or extra dry.
• Soak this intermediate result in store-bought sodium hydroxide for two days, or make your own lye from ashes and water if you're old-school. Keep your chemistry experiment in a spacious pot, it will grow in size.
• Remove toxic residue by leaving the husk formerly known as fish under running water for 3-6 days, thereby rendering it remotely edible.
I can vaguely comprehend how a brave materials scientist might deduce from first principles that the outcome of this process may not be fatal, and could demonstrate that by eating it for show.
I can not understand how my plebeian ancestors thought it would be a great idea to drench an otherwise harmless dried fish in poison, just to check if it tastes better when you wash it off again.
Frankly, I don't even think it gets that much better, but apparently, some do.
Lord knows how they discovered it.
"Organs are made for accompanying hymns, not for eating." :getsick:
Post by: krissel on February 16, 2021, 04:19:11 AM
:no2:
Post by: jchuzi on February 16, 2021, 06:42:33 AM
We declined an invitation to try it.
Post by: kimmer on February 24, 2021, 11:43:57 AM
Because you have to kill them before you cure them!
What do you call a pig who's been arrested for dangerous driving?
A road hog!
What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
Udder nonsense!
What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
Use a cowculator!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 24, 2021, 05:52:52 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 28, 2021, 05:26:11 PM
Quote
"Something is up with our butter supply, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it," cookbook author Julie Van Rosendaal tweetedPerhaps the "Canadian butter magnates" are attempting to get Iowa to use a "foreign" 'golden' product at the State Fair (https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/lifestyle/food/the-woman-behind-the-iowa-state-fairs-famous-butter-cow-sculpture/2019/08/12/5a5565ad-3d29-4010-b65c-80200a0c7794_video.html) this year? It seems "golden statues (https://globalnews.ca/news/7664549/donald-trump-cpac-statue-golden-calf/)" are becoming more popular this year! Where is Charlton Heston (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aZ2FkHWAaU) when you need him?!
I can't make this stuff up fast enough!
Post by: kimmer on February 28, 2021, 06:50:34 PM
Post by: jwboyd on March 02, 2021, 06:54:44 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 02, 2021, 07:08:51 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 05, 2021, 05:51:27 PM
Quote from: an FB post
A 1st grade school teacher ... presented each child ... the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to [complete it].
- Don't change horses
- until they stop running.
- Strike while the
- bug is close.
- It's always darkest before
- Daylight Saving Time.
- Never underestimate the power of
- termites.
- Don't bite the hand that
- looks dirty.
- A miss is as good as a
- Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new
- math.
- If you lie down with dogs, you'll
- stink in the morning
- The pen is mightier than the
- pigs.
- An idle mind is
- the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke there's
- pollution.
- A penny saved is
- not much.
- Two's company, three's
- the Musketeers.
- Laugh and the worlds laughs with you, cry and
- you have to blow your nose.
- Children should be seen and not
- spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed
- get new batteries.
- You get out of something only what you
- see in the picture on the box.
- When the blind lead the blind
- et out of the way.
- A bird in the hand is
- going to poop on you.
Post by: Texas Mac Man on March 06, 2021, 04:21:29 PM
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. Needless to say, he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, bitch, complain, nag, bitch; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in the gesture of no. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it afterwards.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." :yahoo:
Post by: jwboyd on March 06, 2021, 04:28:07 PM
A: Sir Cumferemce
Post by: Highmac on March 21, 2021, 10:59:46 AM
and I BELIEVED them!!
Post by: jchuzi on April 12, 2021, 01:56:33 PM
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
My bucket list: keep breathing.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
When you can't find the sunshine...be the sunshine.
I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day.
Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. I retraced my steps, got lost on the way back and now I have no idea what's going on…
Post by: kimmer on April 13, 2021, 09:48:41 AM
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. I retraced my steps, got lost on the way back and now I have no idea what's going on…
:clap:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 13, 2021, 08:41:23 AM
Quote
Name: Den
DOMAIN mid-southweather.com IMMEDIATE TERMINATION
Invoice#: 576833
Date: 2021-05-14
INSTANT ATTENTION REQUIRED IN REGARDS TO YOUR DOMAIN mid-southweather.com
YOUR DOMAIN mid-southweather.com WILL BE TERMINATED WITHIN 12 HOURS...
I assume this important message comes from just across the international date line? Or my computer is off by a day... Even with the definitely NON-USA date format, i noticed that. :whistling:
I also double-checked my driver's license to be sure my name had not changed. :Thinking:
I'm hoping these are the same guys who hacked the Colonial Pipeline computers. If so, it shouldn't be hard to prosecute them as they likely left their phone numbers and home addresses on a public site. Who would have thought that a SPAM would have actually made me smile. :WOW:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 25, 2021, 03:41:58 PM
For cat servers (https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-cat-logic-beds/).
Post by: jchuzi on May 26, 2021, 07:26:10 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 28, 2021, 09:53:24 AM
Post by: jchuzi on May 28, 2021, 12:17:10 PM
A man dies and goes up to heaven. He asks St. Peter if it would be possible to talk to God, and St. Peter clears it with the deity. His questions and answers:
1. Q: "Why did you make women so beautiful?" A: "So you would like them."
2. Q: "Why did you make women so cuddly?" A: "So you would like them."
3. Q: "Why did you make women so stupid?" A: "So they would like you."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 08, 2021, 08:58:11 AM
British Computer Support/Help-line (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53_QMFh0KrQ)
Post by: jchuzi on June 08, 2021, 09:45:32 AM
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? -Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.-Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once -Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. - Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.-Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.-Phyllis Diller
Post by: Highmac on June 09, 2021, 11:18:50 AM
From "IT (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_IT_Crowd)" (the tv series):
British Computer Support/Help-line (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53_QMFh0KrQ)
Reminds me of a chap we worked with some years ago. It was nigh-on impossible to get him to do much. He had been denied early retirement several times - when others had been accepted - so a call always got the "have you tried..."
If you said you had, he told us we'd have to wait until his colleague came in for the next shift. Not sure who was the more awkward - him or the company that wouldn't let him go, so couldn't fire him...
And for petrol-heads - the silver coupe towards the end is a Ford Puma, a small car that was never sold in the US, but was advertised in Europe with "Steve McQueen" driving it around San Francisco in "Bullitt" style. Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6C9XRT-AFxc. Clever when you consider the Puma was launched in 1997 when filming was a lot less electronic.
My better half bought one of the last 1.7 litre Pumas in 2002. Her favourite car, it lasted 11 years before it had to be traded in. It was a dream to drive, though we never treated it like the Top Gear team did before declaring it their Car of the Year 1997 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3QuH7z1Z1o
Please excuse a bit of OT-ness... :D
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 09, 2021, 12:05:03 PM
I wonder if this "doctor" went to the same "medical school" as "Doctor" Immanuel who claims demon sperm causes the virus. :wallbash:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 10, 2021, 07:56:19 AM
"The Milky Way as Seen from Mars"
Post by: jchuzi on July 01, 2021, 10:05:27 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 01, 2021, 10:33:56 AM
Post by: jchuzi on July 03, 2021, 02:29:03 PM
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant . . . I wonder who did it."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 04, 2021, 03:03:57 PM
Or, as the British would say, "Happy treason day, you ungrateful Colonials!"
:rant: :thumbdown:
:rant: :thumbdown:
Post by: jwboyd on July 05, 2021, 08:44:03 AM
Post by: kimmer on July 16, 2021, 07:44:09 AM
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.
2. Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
3. Q: Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone.
4. Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.
5. A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
6. Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: Decalfeinated.
7. If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
8. Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.
9. Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!
10. Q: Why did the painting go to jail?
A: It was framed.
11. Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!
Post by: kimmer on July 21, 2021, 08:07:45 AM
2. Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
3. Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.
4. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
5. Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.
6. Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.
7. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
8. I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
9. A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
10. Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 27, 2021, 08:54:39 PM
Quote from: Richard Major, a bird ecologist
"They're not something like ibis or crows that are scavengers. These are good, self-respecting seed-eaters — or at least plant-eaters."
Then he was astonished at what he saw later!!
Quote
"The thing that really got me was when I saw a cockatoo fly up from a rubbish bin, [...] holding a chicken drumstick in its foot..." (a cockatoo can perch on one leg and hold its food in another) "Here it was, just munching on a drumstick, and I thought, '...this is verging on cannibalism.' Certainly once cockatoos start eating meat, we're done for.":laughhard:
And the future may not be as bright as we would hope!
Quote
So cockatoos adapt to the humans, who then adapt to the cockatoos, who then adapt once again, and so on... an evolutionary "arms race.I already know some folks like that! Sometimes, I see one when I look in a mirror! :blush-anim-cl:
...
t seems like Major is on Team Cockatoo. "I'd say generally the way people operate is, we only ever tackle a problem [after] it's a problem," he says. "So I think we will be slower learners than the cockatoos".
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 02, 2021, 02:56:21 PM
Are you sure that "It takes all kinds"?
:whistling:
:whistling:
"The greatest vaccine day outfit of all time?" (see image)
Post by: krissel on August 03, 2021, 06:20:32 AM
Post by: Highmac on August 11, 2021, 11:47:01 AM
"Never mind," said a sympathetic colleague next to me. "If the worst happens at least you won't hear people making fun of you..."
Post by: jchuzi on August 21, 2021, 10:44:04 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 27, 2021, 06:11:51 AM
Post by: kimmer on September 01, 2021, 03:57:55 PM
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Post by: jchuzi on September 02, 2021, 11:07:18 AM
The captain and his men raided a ship that was carrying valuables and they sailed away as fast as they could in order to evade pursuit. The captain, savvy seaman that he was, sent one of his sailors to the crow's nest to look for ships. The sailor yelled, "Captain! A warship is on the horizon and gaining on us."
The captain then ordered the sailor to come down. He said, "Sailor, go below and fetch my red shirt. If we are boarded and I am wounded, the other sailors will not know and they will continue to fight valiantly." Then, he ordered the sailor to go aloft again to evaluate the situation.
Presently, the sailor yelled, "Captain! There are ten ships chasing us and closing fast!" Again, the captain ordered the sailor to come down and he said, "Sailor, go below and fetch my brown pants."
Post by: kimmer on September 10, 2021, 12:54:53 PM
1. What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.
2. How many ears do space aliens have? Three: The left ear, right ear and the final front ear.
3. What shivers at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
4. The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
5. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.
6. What did the princess say in the photo booth? “Someday my prints will come.”
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!
9. What’s the best time to see a dentist? Tooth hurty.
10. What did the grape do when it got stomped on? It let out a little wine.
Post by: Highmac on September 14, 2021, 04:02:51 AM
An elephant holding its breath…
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 14, 2021, 08:04:48 AM
Post by: kimmer on September 14, 2021, 09:41:28 AM
What is red and weighs four tons?...Oh, this is a share with grandson joke. :p
Post by: kimmer on October 12, 2021, 09:54:07 AM
1. Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.
2. The problem with money is that it is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
3. When a clock is still hungry, it goes back four seconds.
4. When a marathon runner had ill fitting shoes, he suffers the agony of defeat.
5. How do you define a will? It's a Dead Giveaway.
6. Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it.
7. What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
8. What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
9. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
10. The man who had fallen into an upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered.
Post by: Larry on October 14, 2021, 03:58:28 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 05, 2021, 03:34:03 PM
Quote from: Dan Pfeiffer
Nothing illustrates the anachronistic absurdity of Daylight Savings Time like trying to explain it to a 3yo.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 09, 2021, 09:02:46 AM
Quote
Monday [, Nov 8, 2021, was] International Tongue Twister Day and if you're looking for a mouthful, you could celebrate by talking about a sheikh who isn't feeling well. He's sixth in line and has some livestock, it seems, and one of his sheep is also under the weather. To explain all this you could say:How about this one (for dog owners): If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
Here's a book from 1836 you might enjoy reading: Peter Piper's Practical Principles of Plain and Perfect Pronunciation (https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/25027/pg25027-images.html)
Or you can try some of the 'twisters' at Mental Floss (https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/30894/11-classic-tongue-twisters) and other links in the story. :whew: :thumbup:
Post by: jwboyd on November 09, 2021, 10:15:38 AM
Post by: Highmac on November 21, 2021, 10:18:34 AM
Management Consultants
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote glen in the Highlands when a brand-new 4x4 Chelsea Tractor (derogatory label for SUV in the city) advanced along the valley-bottom towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and assorted gold jewellery, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, weighs him up - obviously a townie - then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Aye, then. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his super-slim iPad, Bluetooths it to his latest model iPhone, curses about the lack of coverage but somehow gets a signal, and links to an open-source NASA page on the internet. He calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area into an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to a visual processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an encrypted message that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a remote, high-capacity server and uploads all of this data and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, on his miniaturized LaserJet printer he prints out a full-colour, 10-page report, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly one thousand, five hundred and eighty-six sheep."
The shepherd doesn’t show whether he’s impressed or not, but concedes: "That's right. Well, I suppose you can take one of my sheep," he says. He watches the young man select an animal, and looks on amused as the business-type opens the off-road’s tailgate and stuffs it into the vehicle.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: "I tell you what. If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
The dynamic young executive thinks about it for a second and then agrees, "Alright, why not?"
"You're a management consultant," says the shepherd.
“Good heavens! That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing needed," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; an answer to a question I never asked; you used staggering amounts of equipment, costing an absolute fortune, to reach that answer; and you know diddly squat about my flock or my work. Now give me back my dog."
Post by: jchuzi on November 21, 2021, 12:37:47 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 08, 2021, 11:38:00 AM
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 08, 2021, 12:56:09 PM
(Sweater by: Snahal Patel, chief executive of Jack Masters, the knitwear company in Leicester, England
Display at: Natural History Museum, London)
Post by: Texas Mac Man on December 08, 2021, 03:42:49 PM
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them: At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” The other farmer replied. “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.” “Neither.” Yelled his wife. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.” :yahoo:
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 22, 2021, 04:17:26 PM
Post by: jchuzi on December 25, 2021, 07:28:27 AM
Most people do not know the origin of the term Noël. It's very simple:
When you spell CHRISTMAS, there is no L.
Post by: Highmac on December 25, 2021, 08:00:57 AM
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook.
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper!
Post by: Highmac on December 25, 2021, 11:23:16 AM
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Post by: krissel on December 25, 2021, 10:04:06 PM
Post by: Highmac on December 26, 2021, 11:35:19 AM
All my Christmas decorations are inflatable - that's why I'm Forever Blowing Baubles... :toothgrin:
Post by: jchuzi on January 05, 2022, 09:54:15 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 05, 2022, 10:38:30 AM
Quote
All my Christmas decorations are inflatableThe 'humorous' thing about these 'decorations' is that these things are normally not inflated in the day time. Instead, some yards look like disaster scenes with dead bodies every where! :blink: :blueeek: :eek: :wacko:
Post by: jchuzi on January 06, 2022, 01:16:33 PM
Willie was a chemist.
Willie is no more.
What Willie took for H2O
Was H2SO4.
Post by: Highmac on January 09, 2022, 07:16:01 AM
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon this week.
I’ll let you know…
Caller: My wife’s in labour and I don’t know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, it’s her husband...
:whoosh: :whoosh:
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 09, 2022, 09:32:02 AM
Post by: Highmac on January 10, 2022, 11:26:48 AM
:whoosh: Is correct!! My wife's first husband had to think about that first one! :blush-anim-cl:
Well, I had to think about THAT one :doh:
Post by: jchuzi on January 10, 2022, 12:47:56 PM
When your wife says, "Do whatever you want.", DO NOT DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. REPEAT: DO NOT DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. Don't move. Play dead.
Post by: Highmac on January 10, 2022, 02:04:48 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 24, 2022, 09:27:41 AM
"Simone Biles has a rival — but it can't stick the landing (https://www.npr.org/2022/01/23/1074777272/gymnastics-simone-biles-research-science)!"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 31, 2022, 02:58:37 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 01, 2022, 11:01:26 AM
Quote
This chicken was caught sneaking around the security area at the Pentagon (we're not kidding) and our officers picked her up. Now we need a name for her - suggestions welcomed!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 02, 2022, 11:53:45 AM
Quote from: According to the weather prognosticating groundhog, during the 136th celebration of Groundhog Day on Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pa.
Six more weeks of winter it is, folks.:snowman: :Hurt:
Post by: jchuzi on February 02, 2022, 01:41:57 PM
Post by: jchuzi on February 27, 2022, 01:59:16 PM
Post by: Highmac on March 20, 2022, 11:19:22 AM
:doh:
Post by: jchuzi on March 20, 2022, 11:31:41 AM
Post by: jwboyd on March 20, 2022, 07:42:42 PM
Prof replied, "Why me?"
Student: "Because you can go down deeper, and stay down longer, and come up drier than anyone else I know!"
Post by: jchuzi on April 18, 2022, 08:59:23 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 18, 2022, 07:58:55 PM
If they didn't include some "hissssssing", the piece is another "unfinished" score.
*Not to be confused with TL;DR.
Post by: jchuzi on April 19, 2022, 06:46:05 AM
TL;DL*What is TL;DL? Considering that I don't know, I certainly did not confuse it with TL;DR. :confused:
If they didn't include some "hissssssing", the piece is another "unfinished" score.
*Not to be confused with TL;DR.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on April 19, 2022, 08:50:25 AM
By the way, why do female opera performers always wear low cut but long skirted dresses? Do the ladies always have a very 'high-society' coming out party before every performance?! They must spend a fortune on dresses alone, not to mention hair dressers! :dntknw:
Post by: jchuzi on May 16, 2022, 09:43:24 AM
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Called to get Blue Book Value on my car. They asked if gas tank was full or empty.
And finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 22, 2022, 08:41:28 AM
Quote
Remember to drink lots of fluids and stay inside from 11am until December 2.:laughhard: :coolio:
Post by: Highmac on July 11, 2022, 06:17:05 AM
Barman thinks for a moment and says: "Dunno, mate... what does he look like?"
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 11, 2022, 08:15:59 AM
Post by: jchuzi on July 11, 2022, 12:04:35 PM
The plumber responds, "I didn't either when I was a lawyer."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 11, 2022, 02:32:31 PM
Post by: jchuzi on August 19, 2022, 06:28:12 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 31, 2022, 08:09:36 AM
Quote
A truck hit the center divider on I-80 (https://www.npr.org/2022/08/30/1120033945/tomato-spill-truck-california-highway) ... Monday morning, slathering several lanes in quickly crushed tomatoes and forcing morning commuters to...
Wait for it...
...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on August 31, 2022, 08:20:58 AM
play ketchup!
Meanwhile;
Local police refuse to issue tickets to hundreds of sauced driver!
A truck crash dumped thousands of glass jars of Alfredo sauce!
A truck crash dumped thousands of glass jars of Alfredo sauce!
In related news:
Italian ancestry judge accused of biased decisions.
Post by: jchuzi on September 15, 2022, 02:23:58 PM
Post by: Highmac on December 13, 2022, 10:10:27 AM
Not actually a joke but an incident that still makes me chuckle...
Neighbour asked me to lend him a ladder to get at a blocked gutter. I said I'd come round and stand at the bottom to steady it as it was in an awkward position. "No, I'll get the missus to do that..."
I helped him take it round to his house and just parked myself at the base. He climbed up and took the end plate off the guttering, landing me with the inevitable shower... yea, bad planning .
He came down chuckling but stopped and went almost white when I said: "Bet you're glad I didn't let your missus stand there..."
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 13, 2022, 12:31:44 PM
Our dog ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles!! :eek:
Took it to the Vet! No word, yet. :scram:
Post by: jchuzi on December 13, 2022, 01:13:28 PM
Post by: jchuzi on January 16, 2023, 07:14:03 AM
95% of electric cars are still on the road. The other 5% made it home.
Post by: Frances144 on January 16, 2023, 10:59:30 AM
Many thanks.
Post by: jchuzi on January 16, 2023, 01:09:11 PM
Post by: jchuzi on January 24, 2023, 09:45:54 AM
Post by: Frances144 on January 30, 2023, 12:03:31 PM
Post by: jchuzi on February 04, 2023, 07:13:00 AM
Post by: jchuzi on February 21, 2023, 07:05:39 AM
YouTwitFace
Post by: jchuzi on March 02, 2023, 12:45:09 PM
2. When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy", that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
3. It’s weird being the same age as old people.
4. Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
5. If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think… “That can’t be accurate?”
7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
10. You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
12. After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
13. Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
14. For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.
15. I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know damn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
16. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.
And I end with… Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 02, 2023, 06:57:44 PM
Post by: jchuzi on March 14, 2023, 12:29:56 PM
Rabbinical Wisdom
A man goes to the rabbi and asks, "What should I do to live forever?" The rabbi replies, "Get married." The man looks skeptical and says, "Really? If I get married I'll live forever?" The rabbi says, "No, but you won't want to."
Zen Judaism
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. If you forget this, enlightenment is the least of your worries.
Post by: jchuzi on March 23, 2023, 11:32:34 AM
Post by: jchuzi on June 19, 2023, 02:09:06 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 20, 2023, 08:46:24 AM
Note to Admins: I thought we banned this kind of behavior!
Post by: jchuzi on June 20, 2023, 10:06:56 AM
Post by: jchuzi on July 19, 2023, 06:38:40 AM
Post by: jchuzi on July 22, 2023, 06:13:07 AM
nothing, because he was a wise man.
Post by: jchuzi on August 19, 2023, 03:40:07 PM
Old fairy tale: Begins "Once upon a time..."
Modern fairy tale : Begins "And if elected, I promise..."
Post by: jchuzi on August 20, 2023, 10:38:01 AM
People in Dubai don't like Fred Flintstone but Abu Dubai do.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 11, 2023, 02:32:11 PM
Post by: jchuzi on September 18, 2023, 02:53:41 PM
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, ’Take what you want.’"
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A lady surveyor walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Steve, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took pliers from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "21' 6", and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to congress.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 19, 2023, 03:26:58 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 23, 2023, 10:10:03 AM
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 23, 2023, 11:18:47 AM
Post by: jchuzi on October 30, 2023, 12:30:55 PM
An annual competition is held by the 'New York Times' to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:
◾I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
◾England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
◾Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
◾This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
◾I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
◾A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
◾When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
◾I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
◾A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
◾A will is a dead giveaway.
◾With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
◾Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
◾A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
◾The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
◾He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
◾When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
◾Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
◾I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
◾Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
◾When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
◾When chemists die, they barium.
◾I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
◾I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 30, 2023, 02:11:15 PM
Post by: krissel on October 31, 2023, 03:05:04 PM
Great collection of email sigs there. Does anyone still use email besides me? 🤔
I do. :)
Post by: krissel on October 31, 2023, 03:08:24 PM
Post by: jchuzi on February 06, 2024, 12:55:04 PM
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.
I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It’s my face.
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.
It turns out that when asked who is your favorite child, you are supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.
It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”
One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.
I cannot believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row, now.
If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit, contemplating if you actually need it any longer.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.
A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally, I serve turkey -- but, hey, if it will make them happy . . .
Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So, tonight after dinner, I’m dropping her off at her parent’s house.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.
I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer: “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. I asked another and he also said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I put our scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
When I was a kid, I used to watch the “Wizard of Oz” and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I joined Facebook.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can't be accurate!”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have lots of new ideas.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
I just burned 1,200 calories: I forgot the pizza slices in the oven.
Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.
Never trust an electrician who has no eyebrows.
My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3am. 3AM! Luckily, I was already up, playing my bagpipes.
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “The Hoarders,” and think, “Wow! My house looks great.”
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 07, 2024, 09:04:47 AM
Of course, considering the source that's not saying much! :wallbash: :whistling: :coolio:
Post by: krissel on February 07, 2024, 12:17:35 PM
Post by: jchuzi on June 03, 2024, 04:48:49 PM
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US .Air Force Manual -
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -
'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall
Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
'If you hear me yell, " Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by
then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
but if ATC screws up, ....
the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military
aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed
to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 05, 2024, 04:07:50 PM
Post by: jchuzi on June 05, 2024, 04:37:18 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 06, 2024, 09:04:51 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 07, 2024, 05:33:45 PM
Do you know what separates us from animals?
Fences, usually.
As the machinist said, "When it comes to chamfers, don't cut corners!" :nono:BYW, there's a new vid from TOT (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia3Iieejyg8)!
Post by: jchuzi on June 11, 2024, 08:18:49 AM
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?
So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the man behind her was on the verge of a heart attack from laughing so intensely. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on June 11, 2024, 09:48:46 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on July 16, 2024, 08:31:48 AM
According to the Associated Press, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
as reported by my wife and Reddit
Post by: jchuzi on July 16, 2024, 10:04:03 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 14, 2024, 07:00:34 AM
All the slides were just of me.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on October 16, 2024, 09:15:45 AM
Did you hear about the dictator who was only 12 inches tall? He only lasted 1 day, so you could have missed his activities, anyway...
He was a terrible king!
But he was a great ruler.
Post by: jchuzi on October 16, 2024, 02:34:14 PM
Now, I'm afraid to pee. :tears:
Post by: krissel on October 17, 2024, 01:58:54 AM
I'm not. :toothgrin:
Post by: jchuzi on January 14, 2025, 07:46:58 AM
I've started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that's humorous.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, "That lizard is really funny!" He replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand-up chameleon.”
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court... it was a brief case.
Ran out of toilet paper, now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That's right...Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 14, 2025, 10:31:22 AM
Post by: krissel on January 17, 2025, 01:08:00 AM
Thanks, Jon! I needed that. :toothgrin:
Post by: jchuzi on January 22, 2025, 04:16:49 PM
1. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
2. “It’s deja vu all over again.”
3. “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
4. “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
5. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
6. “You can observe a lot by watching.”
7. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
8. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”
9. “It gets late early out here.”
10. “If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”
11. “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
12. “Pair up in threes.”
13. “Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.”
14. “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
15. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”
16. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
17. “Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.”
18. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
19. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
20. “I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.”
Modal Trigger
Joe DiMaggio and Yogi Berra in 1955.
21. “I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”
22. “I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”
23. “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”
24. “In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”
25. “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
26. “I never said most of the things I said.”
27. “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”
28. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
29. “I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.”
30. “So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”
31. “Take it with a grin of salt.”
32. (On the 1973 Mets) “We were overwhelming underdogs.”
33. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
34. “You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
35. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
(Sources: Los Angeles Times, Baseball Almanac, Baseball Digest, Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker), Sports Illustrated)
Post by: Xairbusdriver on January 23, 2025, 09:13:32 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 15, 2025, 09:32:28 AM
The mechanic says he needs to take the brake system apart and fix whatever is broken.
The engineer says the brakes are oviously too small for the car and need to be redesigned.
The programmer says "We just need to push the car up the hill and see if the failure happens again"!
stolen from Dave Plummer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xxs3jJ1P6yU) (retired Windows programmer)
Post by: jchuzi on March 18, 2025, 04:17:22 PM
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.
15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Post by: jchuzi on May 14, 2025, 03:54:02 PM
1. I always knock on the fridge before I open it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
2. Nothing in the English language starts with N and ends in G.
3. My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K. No way I'm running that far.
4. Starting Tuesday, Sept. 6, customers will now be required to unload the semi-trucks at Walmart. This will be in addition to your self-checkout duties.
5. Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.
6. A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
7.When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says "You need to eat the chocolate". The other voices goes "You heard. Eat the chocolate".
8. I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He's a singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
9. Sign language: It's very handy.
10. What do horses say when they fall? "Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy up".
11. If we switched from pounds to kilograms overnight, there would be mass confusion.
12. I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses. It will be for people who love meat tender.
13. Thanks for teaching me the meaning of "plethora". It means a lot.
14. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on May 17, 2025, 01:15:58 PM
SHUT THIS SITE DOWN!
:laughhard: :doh: :Thinking: :taped: :whistling:
Post by: jchuzi on August 05, 2025, 11:18:05 AM
Post by: jchuzi on August 12, 2025, 11:55:19 AM
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan.
"Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu - you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, ….but couldn't find any.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, …..but then I changed my mind.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: That's the last thing I need!
Sleeping comes so naturally to me. I could do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.
You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.
Don't spell PART backwards. It's a trap.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. Switzerland
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing!
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" … Dad: "No sun.”
Post by: jchuzi on September 29, 2025, 12:27:04 PM
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from LA would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Post by: Frances144 on September 30, 2025, 01:49:52 PM
Post by: jchuzi on October 03, 2025, 11:29:29 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on November 01, 2025, 04:19:15 PM
Here is just one example of how serious things can be: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGYN9EY7Kf0
Post by: jchuzi on December 20, 2025, 10:56:19 AM
Mikhail Gorbachev had younger brother, Rudolph, who was a dedicated Communist. Rudolph was bemoaning the demise of the Soviet Union when he looked out the window of his Moscow apartment and said to his wife, "Is raining." She replied, "Is snowing." He reiterated, "Is raining!" Not to be deterred, she said, "Is snowing!"
Exasperated, Rudolph declared, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Post by: krissel on December 23, 2025, 01:40:10 AM
I used to tell a similar version of that pun to my students about 50 years ago. :whistling: :toothgrin:
Post by: jchuzi on December 23, 2025, 08:12:22 AM
A chess competition was held at a hotel. After the matches were concluded at the end of the day, the players gathered in the lobby. They loudly bragged about their great strategies and moves until the noise became so loud that the management had to intervene. The manager said, "I'm tired of all you chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 23, 2025, 09:31:30 AM
Especially if Jon publishes any more disastrously bad puns!!! :clap: :sos: :taped: :thumbup:
Post by: jchuzi on December 23, 2025, 12:15:28 PM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on December 24, 2025, 11:54:27 AM
You mean the one that goes from -∞ to -1?
Post by: jchuzi on January 28, 2026, 12:13:22 PM
My wife and I have started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is "Sexy Librarian" where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book
Post by: krissel on January 29, 2026, 01:04:52 AM
Post by: jchuzi on January 29, 2026, 11:21:23 AM
I just found out that there's no popcorn in popcorn shrimp. I guess there's no reason to try pot roast
Sometimes, I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions...
Post by: Xairbusdriver on February 18, 2026, 01:15:27 PM
Post by: krissel on February 18, 2026, 11:35:41 PM
Post by: jchuzi on March 26, 2026, 09:16:07 AM
• Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
• Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
• In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
• At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is probably enjoying this!
• Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power Wash' and 'Rinse'.
• Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the front door.
• Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
• The cat will rocket out of the lid, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
• Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
You’re welcome!
Sincerely,
The Dog