Post by: Texas Mac Man on September 11, 2009, 05:59:06 PM
Here are some of his gems:
01 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
02 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
03 - Half the people you know are below average.
04 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
05 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
06 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
07 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
08 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
09 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend . . . but she left me before we met.
12 - Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever . . so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite -
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 11, 2009, 10:20:40 PM
I will leave the credulity of the description as an exercise for the reader.
Post by: krissel on September 12, 2009, 12:57:15 AM
Post by: Jack W on September 12, 2009, 07:51:51 AM
Anyway, good post!
Post by: Xairbusdriver on September 12, 2009, 09:12:49 AM
QUOTE
I take issue with your scienist comment. I used to be one.
Thus, proving my point! 
Post by: krissel on September 13, 2009, 12:41:32 AM
QUOTE
What did you study in college?
SW: I went to a junior college studying liberal arts for two years, and then I transferred to Emerson College, focusing on mass communications, specifically radio, thinking maybe I could be on the radio.
SW: I went to a junior college studying liberal arts for two years, and then I transferred to Emerson College, focusing on mass communications, specifically radio, thinking maybe I could be on the radio.
QUOTE
What jobs did you have before you made a living as a stand-up comedian?
SW: I worked in the Houghton-Mifflin Publishing Company warehouse packing books and shipping them out to schools and stores. I painted apartments in Boston; I parked cars on and off for several years in Boston at some clubs and restaurants. MIT in Cambridge has its own department store, and I ran a cash register in there. I shoveled snow off rooftops in Aspen, Colorado so the buildings wouldn't cave in.
SW: I worked in the Houghton-Mifflin Publishing Company warehouse packing books and shipping them out to schools and stores. I painted apartments in Boston; I parked cars on and off for several years in Boston at some clubs and restaurants. MIT in Cambridge has its own department store, and I ran a cash register in there. I shoveled snow off rooftops in Aspen, Colorado so the buildings wouldn't cave in.
He really has no background or experience as a scientist as you can see.
Good article:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/steven-wright,14029/
Post by: Jack W on September 15, 2009, 10:25:54 AM
QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Sep 12 2009, 10:12 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE
I take issue with your scienist comment. I used to be one.
Thus, proving my point! Man!!! I have friends everywhere!!
Post by: sandbox on September 19, 2009, 08:37:12 PM
