Post by: Highmac on July 24, 2003, 04:11:00 PM
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle,and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist B*stards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.B*stards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Post by: pendragon on July 24, 2003, 04:22:05 PM
Harv
Post by: Highmac on July 24, 2003, 04:49:47 PM
QUOTE
Tony Blair has just announced that he is sending the people that chose Liverpool to be the European City of Culture, out to Iraq. The theory is that if they can find Culture in Liverpool then Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq should be a piece of cake.
Post by: Bill on July 24, 2003, 05:21:06 PM
Customer: "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public."
---
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Post by: Paddy on July 24, 2003, 11:07:17 PM
A sign seen in a police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.' - The Guardian, London.
A sex line caller has complained to trading standards officers after dialling a number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan'. The caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.'
- The Citizen, Gloucester.
Under the heading 'Brussels pays £200,000 to save prostitutes': ' . . . the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.' - Daily Telegraph, London.
We apologies for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective of the Police Force. This was a typographical error. We meant, of course, that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the Police Farce. -Derby Abbey Community News.
Police, called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station, released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket. - Manchester Evening News.
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled 'For the Sick' is for monetary donations only.' - Churchdown Parish Magazine.
Post by: ljocampo on July 24, 2003, 11:25:07 PM
Post by: Paddy on July 25, 2003, 12:00:15 AM
Real Estate Glossary of Terms
Spacious - average
Charming - small
Comfortable - very small
Cozy - very, very small
Low maintenance - no lawn
Walk to stores - nowhere to park your car
Prestgious - expensive
Bright and sunny - venetian blinds not included
Townhouse - former tenement
Modern - 30 to 40 years old
Contemporary - at least 15 years old
Sprawling ranch - inefficient floor plan
Natural setting - forget about planting, the deer will eat everything
Secluded setting - far away
Executive neighborhood - high taxes
Near houses of worship - fanatical denomination next door
Park-like setting - a tree on the block
Unaffected charm - needs painting
Starter home - run down
Hurry! Won't last - about to collapse
And much, much more - nothing else comes to mind
Real Estate Ad Phrases
CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have
to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."
MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and
believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See
"Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."
UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.
HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the
kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.
DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.
COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting
or vice versa.
SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."
ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.
BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."
UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .
YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.
MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
Post by: Highmac on July 25, 2003, 06:36:27 AM
QUOTE
"I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq" - Paul Wolfowitz, US Deputy Defence Secretary.
Post by: Lindsay on July 25, 2003, 09:47:33 AM
Lindsay
Post by: Paddy on July 25, 2003, 04:04:19 PM
In my next life,
I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate...
you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear....
you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake....
to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear....
everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line...
you swat them, too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear...
your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have
hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear
Post by: krissel on July 25, 2003, 10:14:42 PM
bears in NJ
Post by: RHPConsult on July 25, 2003, 11:21:59 PM
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations.
What's it about?" "'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones And in the middle was a large, well fed lion.
The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is
- - -
Paddy: Wanna change animules?
Post by: jepinto on July 26, 2003, 08:32:33 PM
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Post by: jepinto on July 26, 2003, 10:10:50 PM
1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!
Post by: jepinto on July 28, 2003, 02:40:55 PM
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."
Post by: jepinto on July 29, 2003, 07:03:23 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Post by: Highmac on July 30, 2003, 02:49:37 AM
)Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The cabin door opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
Post by: george on July 30, 2003, 11:40:16 AM
The Sheriff of a court in Scotland, a large, impressive and intolerant man, was presiding in his court one day. The accused stood in the dock and was chewing gum very loudly. The Sheriff could stand it no longer and called over a member of the court security staff and said " Go over there and tell that obnoxious fellow to cease masticating in my court, immediately". Whereupon the security officer went over to the dock and whispered to the accused "Here son, the Sheriff says you're to take your hands out of your pockets, now!
Post by: jepinto on July 30, 2003, 10:51:49 PM
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
Post by: Highmac on July 31, 2003, 01:36:31 AM
BERLIN, July 22 (Reuters) – A pair of flying underpants caused a crash on a German highway when they landed on a driver’s face and blocked his view, police said on Tuesday.
A police spokesman in the central town of Gotha said one of a group of naked men in a van threw the underwear into a Volkswagen Passat as they passed it on a busy stretch of one of Germany’s notoriously speedy autobahns.
“The underpants landed on the driver’s face, causing him to ram the truck ahead from behind,” said the spokesman, adding that he did not know why the men were driving along naked.
No one was hurt in the crash, but police are hunting the owner of the underpants for failing to stop at the scene.
REUTERS
Post by: Randy on July 31, 2003, 09:25:37 AM
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my
left and there was a woman
in a brand new Cadillac
doing 65 mph with her
face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on
her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut
out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone
away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs,
splashed, and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn
phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.
Damn women drivers ! !
Post by: george on July 31, 2003, 10:52:56 AM
( Anthology of legal humour )
It was a little lawyer man
who softly blushed when he began
her poor, dead husband's will to scan
he smiled while thinking of his fee
then he said to her, so tenderly
" you have a nice fat legacy"
and when, next day, he lay in bed
with bandages upon his head,
he wondered what on earth he'd said.
LIE DETECTOR.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires
to a photocopying machine.
The message " He's lying " was placed in the copier and the police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the lie detector was workingt, the suspect confessed.
Post by: Diana on August 01, 2003, 01:18:05 PM
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap.
(Bob Hope)
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
(Eleanor Roosevelt)
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning
and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
(George Burns)
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
(Victor Borge)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
(Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
(Mark Twain)
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(Groucho Marx)
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
(Charlotte Whitton)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every
now and then she stops to breathe.
(Jimmy Durante)
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with
firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
(Jilly Cooper)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
(Zsa Zsa Gabor)
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
(Alex Levine)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
(Mark Twain)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you
a more pleasant form of misery.
(Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
(Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position.
(Mark Twain)
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
(Joe Namath)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age
I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
(George Burns)
At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
(Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie
about your age.
(Lucille Ball)
A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her.
(W.C. Fields)
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is,
I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
(George Burns)
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto
him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words . . . . . .
(Woody Allen)
If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign !
Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
(Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)
Another good thing about being poor is that when you
are seventy your children will not have you declared
legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
(Woody Allen)
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
(Woody Allen)
Those are my principals, if you don't like them... I have others."
(Groucho Marx)
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman
I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
(Mark Twain)
Post by: Diana on August 01, 2003, 01:44:06 PM
next generation OS
Post by: June Drabek on August 01, 2003, 02:03:35 PM
PADDY, I stole your disertation on being a Bear to post over in Sr. Net. I hope that is allowable. June
Post by: Highmac on August 01, 2003, 04:14:15 PM
None... they never get the house....
Post by: pendragon on August 03, 2003, 03:48:54 PM
Winners:
tH!s 1s n0T $p@M!!! Opê No \/\/!!!!! Qqr pblt.
Earn Thousands Through Hard Work and Diligence.
Meet LONELY MARRIED WOMEN who want to go shopping for window treatments with your wife!
First time ever, the 1936 Republican Convention on CD!
I found you on classmates.com -- you slept with my mom 18 years ago.
You may have won a trip to East St. Louis.
See Britney Spears in a heavy parka!
THE WOMEN OF HAMAS!
Need Help With Your Resumay?
I am Lulu, voluptuous, horny, and 13. Contact me at OPERATIONJAILBAIT.gov
Stop paying for barium enemas!
Hot Afghan women in skimpy burqas! You can almost see their ankles!
Three out of two people win at the Nigerian Powerball! Why not you?
Did you know you can REQUEST an IRS audit?
Make Your Wife Think You Are Bob Dole in Bed!
———
A few others can be found in the full article http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/artic...6-2003Aug2.html
Harv
Post by: RNKIII on August 07, 2003, 08:23:54 PM
Classes for Men
Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up by
July 30th
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
TOPIC 1
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.
TOPIC 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND
AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.
TOPIC 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE
KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.
TOPIC 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY : LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.
TOPIC 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open forum.
TOPIC 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH..
Graphics and audio tape.
TOPIC 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.
TOPIC 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.
TOPIC 11
LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.
TOPIC 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER
IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
TOPIC 14
CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so
that they can be easily found.
Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.
BUMPERS STICKERS FOR LADIES --
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
OH MY , I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
Bob K.
Post by: Diana on August 08, 2003, 08:51:48 AM
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''