Post by: () on September 10, 2003, 12:10:28 AM
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Burt suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Burt: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Burt: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Burt: "Medicine for rheumatism, osteoporosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Burt: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Burt: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Burt: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes, medicine for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Burt: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Burt says to the pharmacist, "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
Post by: gmann on September 10, 2003, 01:10:03 AM
Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a
fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end
to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a
$5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem
and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to
no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and
asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
Post by: () on September 10, 2003, 02:10:28 PM
Post by: DaveF on September 10, 2003, 05:06:27 PM
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Post by: DaveF on September 11, 2003, 07:16:30 PM
http://homepage.mac.com/dleonf/PhotoAlbum17.html
Post by: jb on September 11, 2003, 10:11:03 PM
* If you must lie, be brief.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* Common sense is the least common of all senses.
* Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.
* Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like
having a peeing section in a pool.
* Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they
shall never cease to be amused.
* Even a broken watch is right twice a day.
* If you have trouble getting your children's attention,
just sit down and look comfortable.
* When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up
reading.
* A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
* Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never
happen.
jb
Post by: jepinto on September 11, 2003, 11:28:53 PM
The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "You've messed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
__________________
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Post by: sandbox on September 12, 2003, 11:26:18 PM
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're
going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob
out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:
#1- There is no need to panic.
#2- We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida or south Georgia.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on
our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home
meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) it is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida or South Georgia, or any
other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then
they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they
got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your
house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company
under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big
Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and-if it's a major hurricane-all the toilets. There are several
types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
-Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
-Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up.. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
-Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have
to sell your house to pay for them.
-Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.
-Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out.. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped
in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now! Tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water,
you will need the following supplies:
-23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes
off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
-Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
-55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
-A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
-A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Andrew in '92; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)
-$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise
Post by: tacit on September 13, 2003, 01:07:53 AM
Post by: george on September 14, 2003, 01:58:30 PM
He took off down the road, pushed it to 110mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his thinning hair
'This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. 'I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at 160mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought , 'What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police Car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porche and walked up on the driver's side. 'Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go'. The man look at the Policeman and said:
'Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.' The Policeman said,
'Have a nice day'.
Post by: Russ Kidd on September 16, 2003, 01:54:13 AM
Answer: eseehc ohcan [read backwards to see the answer]