Post by: jepinto on October 10, 2003, 07:46:00 AM
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...sometimes.
Post by: Paddy on October 10, 2003, 09:46:57 AM
More:
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses - will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
Parents' Dictionary
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
Top Ten Reasons Not to Clean Your Room
1) You don't like the carpet.
2) Your schedule is as full as your clothes hamper.
3) When your buddies are over, they say how much they love what you've done with your room
4) Rearranging would mean rediscovering the bag of apples that you bought for for a late night snack...three years ago.
5) It would require digging out the vacuum.
6) You've learned from all the sci-fi movies you've seen, that wierd things happen when people mess around with natural land marks... like the mountain of shoes next to the bed.
7) Your room is a masterpiece that took months to perfect, and a project that will take years to clean up.
8) You might actually see your walls, which would mean looking at the New Kids on the Block posters you super-glued everywhere in the fourth grade.
9) You don't have a big urge.
10) You've heard that twinkies will last 1000 years and you're only seven years into the experiment.
How to Bake a Cake with a Baby in the House
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients. Remove blocks and toy autos from table. Grease pan, crack nuts. Measure two cups flour; Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby. Remeasure flour. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor. Get another bowl. Answer doorbell. Return to kitchen. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby. Answer phone. Return. Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby. Grease another pan. Answer telephone. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes. Call baker. Lie down.
Why Did The Mom Cross the Road?
No one could tell, really. She was mumbling to herself about peace and quiet. She circled the block a couple times and came back a lot happier.
Post by: Dreambird on October 10, 2003, 11:06:59 AM
I have'ta tell my Mom the one about crossing the street... she'll love it! She always advocates going for a walk when my sister or I are stressed about something...
Post by: jepinto on October 10, 2003, 01:35:00 PM
QUOTE
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
I was eight before I learned my name was not SueMicheleJennie. 
Post by: jwboyd on October 10, 2003, 02:04:20 PM
Same thing happened in my youngest brother's family. Their two sons, Bob and John, thought their names were j'Bob and b'John!
Post by: dakota on October 10, 2003, 02:47:26 PM
Post by: krissel on October 10, 2003, 11:19:57 PM
QUOTE
The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
Isn't it always, if indeed it is found?
I always wondered who would continue looking after locating the item...
