Post by: jepinto on November 10, 2003, 06:22:19 AM
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Post by: jepinto on November 10, 2003, 06:23:51 AM
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
Post by: jepinto on November 10, 2003, 06:25:11 AM
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
Post by: Highmac on November 10, 2003, 06:39:32 AM
. You would have loved our Tommy Cooper's humour QUOTE
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
. More at Tommy Cooper and jokes. Some repetition, not surprisingly.
More in the same style....
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a Red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He's a catholic converter.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins
I thought "That's a turtle disaster"
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags
He's bisatchel.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
He said "Not you again".
Post by: Gregg on November 11, 2003, 07:48:37 AM
