Post by: dolphin on March 21, 2003, 11:33:00 PM
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" Yes, I know, said the lady, " I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Post by: dolphin on March 22, 2003, 12:33:00 PM
Post by: dolphin on March 22, 2003, 11:44:00 PM
Post by: Paddy on March 22, 2003, 11:49:00 PM
BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What yuppies turn into when they have children and
one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiney.
SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop
watching them. The O.J .trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web
error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS:
Well Off Older Folks.
-----------------------------------
Rush Job Calendar
NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
32 30 28 27 26 25 24
39 38 37 36 35 34 33
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.
3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.
4. There is no 1st of the month ? thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.
6. A new day ? Negotiation Day ? has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
Post by: dolphin on March 23, 2003, 04:02:00 PM
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh I don't know, how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first; A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The other guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
Post by: Gary S on March 23, 2003, 04:24:00 PM
Did you know that the excess material that is left over from circumcisions is sent to communist countries, where they plant them and grow dictators?
[ 03-23-2003, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Gary S ]
Post by: jepinto on March 23, 2003, 04:32:00 PM
API - Clearwater Florida
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same action on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the
upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition.
Luella has been charged with one count of mis de wiener.
Post by: jepinto on March 23, 2003, 04:34:00 PM
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be; our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
Well, there you have it!" the doctor said confidently.
"It's Rust".
Post by: jepinto on March 24, 2003, 04:53:00 AM
Post by: Gregg on March 24, 2003, 12:31:00 PM
quote:Had one of those this weekend. Pushed the wrong button, tried to stop it, but it was too late.
Originally posted by Paddy:
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
SITCOMs:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What yuppies turn into when they have children and
one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake.
TWITS
Those With Income To Squander
Post by: LR827 on March 24, 2003, 03:47:00 PM
It's time, once again, to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits ONLY in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
A 19-year-old, Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
ADVERTISING
A lawyer's wife died. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:
"Here lies Shirley,
wife of Morris Rosen, L. L. D.,
Wills, Divorce, Malpractice,
and Immigration Legal Services"
Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother said, "You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone!"
Through his tears, Morris sobbed, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number and Email!"
ALL LAWYERS ARE JERKS
Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general. One evening in a cafe,
the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started 'venting.' "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.
Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him. "Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
"Why is that; are you a lawyer?" he asked.
"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"
BOSSES NIGHT
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Mont., lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.
The master of ceremonies began, "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you.
"Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in, "Well, there go the rest of us!"
Post by: gapstr on March 25, 2003, 12:46:00 AM
quote:No, but surprisingly even leftover foreskins have been put to other medical uses. I recall reading of a case where a baby boy had been born without a left upper eyelid. Obviously, the doctors had to do something, because without an eyelid that eye would dry out, become infected and lose its sight. One doctor had the idea of grafting tissue from the foreskin to serve as an artificial eyelid. Both foreskins and eyelids are epidermal mucous membranes, and the tissue was from the boy's own body so there was no risk of tissue rejection, and besides, if they didn't do something soon he was going to lose his left eye. So they did it.
Originally posted by Gary S:
...the excess material that is left over from circumcisions is sent to communist countries, where they plant them and grow dictators...
The surgery was 100 percent successful and the foreskin tissue was able to serve as a functional eyelid. Naturally, It wasn't a cosmetically perfect eyelid, but the boy's eyesight was saved and that's the important thing, and nobody cared that the boy was a little cockeyed as a result of this pioneering work in infant eye surgery.
A. G.
Post by: krissel on March 25, 2003, 02:13:00 AM
![[Groan]](graemlins/Groaner.gif)
Post by: jepinto on March 25, 2003, 05:43:00 AM
.
.
.
Post by: Gregg on March 25, 2003, 07:34:00 AM
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 25, 2003, 04:25:00 PM
Or is this where you got those 'awards?'
Still, not far from the truth!
Jim C.
[ 03-25-2003, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: airbusdriver ]
Post by: jepinto on March 25, 2003, 05:52:00 PM
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
You're gonna hate me for this....
Hold on to your seat ........
The third little piggie says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way
Post by: LR827 on March 27, 2003, 08:28:00 AM
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and England does!"
[ 03-27-2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: LR827 ]
Post by: Diana on March 27, 2003, 07:46:00 PM
I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life when my mom told me it was the best.
In fact about a month ago while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home I stopped and got a jug of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out -- so well, in fact, the DNA tests were negative! I thank you once again for a great product.
Now I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Post by: JohnKentucky on March 28, 2003, 04:40:00 AM
quote:picking on my state eh?
Originally posted by jepinto:
HellsAngels
Post by: jepinto on March 28, 2003, 05:46:00 AM
quote:Only those of us raised in Southern Indiana can truly appreciate that!
Originally posted by JohnKentucky:
picking on my state eh?
Post by: LR827 on March 28, 2003, 06:24:00 AM
quote:airbusdriver, NO, that is not where I got that information! It was from the Flying Herald Tribune. It seems that the Pilot of an Airbus set it on automatic pilot and then went to sleep. When he woke up, oh, well, you get the picture!!
Originally posted by airbusdriver:
Uh, loraine, do you have 'Snopes' bookmarked? Bet not.
Or is this where you got those 'awards?'
Still, not far from the truth!
Jim C.
Post by: Xairbusdriver on March 28, 2003, 01:50:00 PM
quote:The correct order was always the hardest part!
...the Pilot of an Airbus set it on automatic pilot and then went to sleep...
OTOH, I don't see the problem. I thought that was why we had a F/O!
Jim C.
Post by: Barticus on March 28, 2003, 03:24:00 PM
Sex for sale
$20 in the bed
$10 on the couch
$5 on the floor
After hanging the sign on his door, he stepped back inside to get cleaned up. A few hours later there is a knock on the door. Opening it reveals an elderly woman waving a 20 dollar bill in the air.
"Well my dear" Says the gentleman "Step inside and I'll go get the bed ready"
"Bed HELL!" Cries the woman "I want it four times on the floor!"
My Mother told me this one
Post by: dolphin on March 31, 2003, 10:39:00 PM
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides
to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and
the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Post by: snuffysbluff on April 01, 2003, 02:30:00 AM
Hope the "Groaner" smile don't wear out.
Post by: jepinto on April 01, 2003, 10:35:00 AM
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the ! astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son, laughing uproariously, refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message "Watch out for these a**holes - they have come to steal your land.
Post by: jepinto on April 02, 2003, 03:17:00 PM
Jack wakes up in his bedroom with a terrible hangover. He painfully opens his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the night table. He sits up and sees a clean shirt and freshly-pressed suit hanging on the closet door.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note propped on the dresser that says "Honey, fresh orange juice and cereal is on the kitchen table. I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he makes his way down to the kitchen and sure enough there's his breakfast and the morning newspaper. His teenage son is at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Bobby, what happened here last night?"
His son looks at him and says, "Dad, you came home drunk at 3 A.M.. You knocked over the china cabinet, barfed in the front hall, and passed out on the stairs. Mom and I dragged you upstairs to bed."
Puzzled, Jack asks, "So, why is your mother being so nice to me? She laid out my clothes and had my breakfast on the table."
Bobby replies, "We got you on the bed and Mom tried to undress you. You said, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married."
Post by: jepinto on April 02, 2003, 03:21:00 PM
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Florida, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
HOLD IT.............there's more....................
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN Florida IN JULY WHEN...
~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.
~ You can make sun tea instantly.
~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and ! pepper.
~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
~ The cows are giving evaporated milk.
ah, what a place to call home!