Messages

1

Community / Re: We need some Humor!!!

« on: December 08, 2021, 03:42:49 PM »

A Farmer Had Five Female Pigs. What Follows Next Will Make You Laugh.

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them: At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” The other farmer replied. “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.” “Neither.” Yelled his wife. “They’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.” 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

2

Community / Re: We need some Humor!!!

« on: March 06, 2021, 04:21:29 PM »

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. Needless to say, he tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, bitch, complain, nag, bitch; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in the gesture of no. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it afterwards.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."   

3

Community / Re: We need some Humor!!!

« on: December 28, 2020, 07:10:27 PM »

Twas the Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they'd had in their life.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff, he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.

Well, I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed up my gun,
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop, fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent, Roy, I'll see ya in court."

4

Community / Re: Mammalians Beware!!

« on: July 29, 2019, 07:36:12 PM »

Cletus is passing by Billy Ray Bob's hay barn one day...

Moved to "We Need More Humor" topic.

5

Tech / Find Out What Info Apple Knows About You

« on: December 15, 2018, 04:46:29 PM »

Read this interesting article. You can download all the info Apple has collected on you.
https://lifehacker.com/i-asked-apple-for-everything-it-knows-about-me-and-her-1831045096

6

Community / Re: We need some Humor!!!

« on: November 28, 2018, 10:30:04 AM »

See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard. See answers below.

1. Scintillate, scintillate, exiguous luminous celestial object.

2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

3. Cogitation should precede salutations.

4. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

7. The stylus is more potent than the claymore.

8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

9. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.

10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.

11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

Answers:

1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

2. Birds of a feather, flock together.

3. Think before you speak.

4. Beauty is skin deep.

5. Don't cry over spilled milk.

6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

7. The pen is mightier than the sword.

8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

10. A watched pot doesn't boil.

11. All that glitters is not gold.

12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

7

Community / Re: Never Underestimate Our Mammalian Cousins

« on: November 05, 2018, 07:25:39 PM »

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we are not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


Some old men can still think fast.

8

Community / Re: We need some Humor!!!

« on: August 06, 2018, 11:14:24 AM »

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. And I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender "What's the wifi password?"

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first".

Me: Okay, Ill have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molsons Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Ok. Here you are. What's the wifi password?

Bartender: youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.....

9

Community / Re: We need some Humor!!!

« on: July 25, 2018, 10:37:08 AM »

Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names   

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Delhi Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms

10

Community / We need some Humor!!!

« on: April 23, 2018, 08:21:55 PM »

The 4th Ape

[attachment=3549:Ape4.jpg]

[And finally, don't mess around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.]

11

Community / We need some Humor!!!

« on: April 23, 2018, 07:31:40 PM »

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance . . . never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's bottom?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir .. . . but . . . but I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* Don't be arrogant.

* Don't waste ammunition.

* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.

* Always make sure you know who is in control.

* And finally, don't mess around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

12

Community / We need some Humor!!!

« on: February 09, 2018, 07:30:54 PM »

Finally, a good Trump joke.
 
     Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his
     limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

     A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse"! This
     startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

     Later, the secret service agents supervisor takes him aside and
     asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

     Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald , duck!"

13

Community / We need some Humor!!!

« on: February 07, 2018, 11:07:43 AM »

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TVs. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."

The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

Again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde?"

The clerk replied, "Because that is a microwave."

14

Community / We need some Humor!!!

« on: January 20, 2018, 04:10:13 PM »

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats
in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched
briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"...the balcony..."

15

Tech / Printer died

« on: February 22, 2017, 10:40:31 AM »

I have a Canon MX922 all in one printer. It's flawless. Has separate trays for paper and 4x6 photo paper. It's a printer, scanner and FAX.

I buy my ink from a 3rd party http://www.sophiaglobal.com/ I can get a set of all 5 ink cartridges for about the price of one Canon ink cartridge. I've never had an ink clog.