Author Topic: Sunday Funny  (Read 905 times)

Offline jepinto

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Sunday Funny
« on: February 08, 2004, 10:28:22 AM »
Aquadextrious: The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.

 Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.

 Budget:A method for going broke methodically.

 Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.

 Profanity:The linguistic crutch of inarticulate idiots.

 Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

 Bachelor:One who treats all women as sequels.

 Cigarette:A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

 Taxpayer:Someone who doesn't have to take a publicservice exam to work for the government.

 Consciousness:That annoying time between naps.

 Stress:The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately needs it.

 Jury (OR JUDGE)Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

 Chickens:The only animals you eat before they areborn and after they're dead.

 Hospitality:Making your guests feel at home,even if you wish they were.

 Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both endsand is now growing in the middle.
Do not fear your enemies.  The worse they can do is kill you.  Do not fear friends.  At worst, they may betray you.
Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exist because of their silent consent.
~Bruno Jasienski~

Offline Bernie

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Sunday Funny
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2004, 10:37:48 AM »
clap.gif  toothgrin.gif  whistling.gif
B MacHappy! TS makes you that way!  ® < And don't forget it!

Offline jepinto

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« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2004, 12:58:24 PM »
LAW SUITS

A woman calls her lawyer and asks..."With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."

Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

Woman: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Smirnoff for all the ugly men I've slept with?"
*****************
Microsoft Gets Drafted...

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was completely blown off: The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
« Last Edit: February 08, 2004, 12:59:51 PM by jepinto »
Do not fear your enemies.  The worse they can do is kill you.  Do not fear friends.  At worst, they may betray you.
Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exist because of their silent consent.
~Bruno Jasienski~

Offline sandbox

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Sunday Funny
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2004, 01:09:12 PM »
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got
in the back-seat by mistake."

FAMILY

> >Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
> >night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
> >the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up
> and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.  "Was I going up the stairs
or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope
I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see>
who's at the door."

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,
"So am I. Let's have a beer."

ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to
talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to
kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on
the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To
get my teeth!"


OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .... I know
we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" ," He said
"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went
on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know t hat we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" rolleyes.gif

Offline jdeer

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Sunday Funny
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2004, 09:56:59 PM »
The Evolution Of Math Assignments

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? What's wrong about it? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? And how many documents were shredded to achieve this number?

Teaching Math in 2010: El Loggero se habla con el truckero y se ponen de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia de su "Boss". Entonces, tomen una siesta. Como se puede ganar dinero in este manera?