The English

[Jack W]

I don't remember where I got this (it might have even been here) , or when, but here it is:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

Jack

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “Its not us””
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[Xairbusdriver]

Great! I think you've managed, like a good "Meraken", to offend every major country in the world. I can only offer that adding "and China" as the third and fourth word in the last sentence will suffice to make the offended more perfect! I'll let Paddy add an appropriate set of 'alert state' levels for our northern neighbor.

[Frances144]

I love this!

[jchuzi]

I find it insulting that my country, USA, has not been insulted. Or, as Johannes Brahms (known for his caustic wit) said at the end of a social evening, "If there is anyone whom I have failed to insult, I apologize".

[Frances144]

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest!
The rottenest bits of these islands of ours
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers
Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot
You'll find he's a stinker, as likely as not
Och aye, awa' wi' yon Edinburgh Festival!
The Scotsman is mean, as we're all well aware
And bony and blotchy and covered with hair
He eats salted porridge, he works all the day
And he hasn't got bishops to show him the way!
The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest!
Ah hit me old mother over the head with a shillelagh
The Irishman now our contempt is beneath
He sleeps in his boots and he lies in his teeth
He blows up policemen, or so I have heard
And blames it on Cromwell and William the Third!
The English are noble, the English are nice
And worth any other at double the price!
Ah, iechyd da!
The Welshman's dishonest, he cheats when he can
And little and dark, more like monkey than man
He works underground with a lamp in his hat
And he sings far too loud, far too often, and flat!
And crossing the Channel, one cannot say much
For the French or the Spanish, the Danish or Dutch
The Germans are German, the Russians are red
And the Greeks and Italians eat garlic in bed!
The English are moral, the English are good
And clever and modest and misunderstood!
And all the world over, each nation's the same
They've simply no notion of playing the game
They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practise beforehand, which ruins the fun!
The English, the English, the English are best
So up with the English and down with the rest!
It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad
It's knowing they're foreign that makes them so mad!
For the English are all that a nation should be,
And the flower of the English are Donald, Michael,
Donald, Michael,
And Me!

Flanders and Swann

And if you want to see them at their best - https://lingualeo.com/cs/jungle/flanders-swann-song-of-patriotic-prejudice-519287

I hope everyone is duly insulted!