Mom's on a roll

[jepinto]

NURSING HOME VS. HOLIDAY INN


I just heard on CNN that the average cost for a Nursing Home per day in the USA is $188!! Now, I figure it this way, I can get a real nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65... that leaves $123 for beer, food (room service), laundry, Elvis collectibles, gratuities and clothes. They have a swimming pool, some even have a workout room (therapy), a lounge, cable (recreation), washer dryer (if I am too impaired, a child or grandchild can pick up my clothes once a week, or they could rotate, that way everyone would only have to do it twice a year). Most have free toothpaste and razors, but all have free shampoo and soap. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's alright, it takes months to get into some Nursing Homes. There is the Senior bus, the Handicap bus, a Church bus or van, cabs, alert cabs, and in some cities The Duck! You have security and if someone sees you drop over, I am sure they would call an ambulance (if you break your hip, hopefully the family would be smart enough to sue). What more could you ask for?! With AARP and other Senior discounts, I could be livin pretty dern nicely. So, when I reach that Golden age help me keep my grin, just check my ole rickety carcass into the nearest Holiday Inn!
*********************************************
Odd Thoughts

a. I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
b. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
c. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
d. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
e. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"
f. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
g. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
h. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!
i. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I come by it honestly.......honest!  

[Highmac]

Oooh good - more jokes .  I was sent this one but have left the sender's note on the end to keep it international...

QUOTE

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was  doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Scotland. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

(Actually, when I was sent this, it was Michigan (where I'm from) rather than Scotland, but I suspect Scotland works better for UK consumption...)

[Diana]

A friend of mine that works at the Pentagon sent me some recently declassified info that I am sharing with my friends. Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the many brothers by various wives:
 
 Sooflay ............the restauranteur
 Guday...............the half-Australian brother
 Huray...............the sports fanatic
 Sashay..............the gay brother
 Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
 Sayhay..............the baseball player
 Ojay................the stalker/murderer
 Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
 Ebay................the internet czar
 Biliray.............the country music star
 Ecksray.............the radiologist
 Puray...............the blender factory owner
 Reggay...............the half-Jamaican brother
 Tupay...............the one with bad hair  
 
 Among the sisters:
 
 Poosay...............the 'loose' 22 yr old
 Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
 Boofay...............the 300 pound sister
 Dooshay..............the clean sister
 Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
 Sayph-way............the grocery store owner
 Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
 Gudlay..............the prostitute
 
 More will no doubt be discovered.

[Diana]

Foreward: I received a copy of this in my e-mail. I recognized it from several years ago, but the dates in the story were very recent so I knew there had been edits applied. So, I checked http://snopes.com and searched for Ryan DeVries. Snopes says this is true, but the copy I got was not correct. I've posted the correct version because it is just as funny. There is additional information about this letter at Snopes including some followup from the State of Michigan itself.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.htm

**********

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Stephen L. Tvedten by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality.  This guy's response is hilarious, but read the state's letter before you get to the response letter...

STATE OF MICHIGAN

Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR
350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341
JOHN ENGLER, Governor
DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973
INTERNET: http://www.deq.state.mi
RUSSELL J. HARDING, Director

December 17, 1997

CERTIFIED

Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
**********
The following is his response...
**********
Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy, or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

[george]

Dam fine humour Di.
George.
   

[RHPConsult]

Endeavoring to follow, scrupulously,  the title of this thread . . .


While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He first addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"



The rest of the story is not pleasant.

[dolphin]

Well I'll be dammed!!!  I loved the Spring Pond Beaver story.  I am still laughing my dammed fool head off.  

[CyberPet]

OK, a naughty one since it's late at night now:

Swedes sometimes have problems with english and sometimes we don't know the correct word for an item we want etc.

This is a true story:

Two girlfriends were in a bar in Australia and one of them wanted a straw for her drink, but she couldn't for the life of her remember the english word for straw so she thought the barman would understand if she used a direct translation of the swedish word for straw.

"Excuse me Sir, do you have a sucking pipe?"

A guy near the bar replied to the girl: "You can suck my pipe anytime you like, darling."



Another story:

A man working for a Swedish company was often flying to Asia in his job. Normally he'd be picked up by a pre-ordered taxi or limosine to take him to his meetings etc. One time he found that there was a mini-bus waiting for him and when he had jumped into the car the driver didn't pull out and drive away. Instead he was sitting there and waiting, so the guy asked the driver what they were waiting for. The driver said "we're waiting for some more people".

That was odd the guy thought since the company never did share cars with others. After 30 minutes and they still were waiting he asked the driver who and how many they were waiting for and the driver replied "we're waiting for 15 other people".

The guy started to think and after a while he realized what was the problem and told the driver, "excuse me but I think there's been a misunderstanding, my name is Sixten Persson".

(to those of you who doubt this, Sixten is a very common male name in Sweden and Persson is also a very common sirname in Sweden).

[Greg Dunn]

Here's a classic:

   DI TRI BERRSE


Uans appona taim uas tri berres; mamma berre, pappa berre, e beibi berre.  Live inne contri nire foresta.  NAISE AUS.  No mugheggia.  Uanna dei, pappa, mamma, e beibi go bice, orie e furghetta locche di dorra.
   Bai enne bai commese Goldilocchese.  Sci gotta natinga tu du batte meiche troble.  Sci puscia olle fudde daon di maute; no live cromma.  Den sci gos appesterrese enne slipse in olle beddse.
   Bai enne bai comminese di tri berrse, olle sannebrone enne send inne scius.  Dei gotta no fudde; dei gotta no beddse. En uara dei gone due to Goldilocchese?  Tro erre inna strit?  Colle pulissemenne?
   Fatta Cienza!
   Dei uas Italian berrse, enne dei slippe ona florre.
   Goldilocchese stei dere tri uicase; itta autta ausenomma bicose dei esch erre tu meiche di beddse sci sei “go to elle”, enne runne omme craine tu erre mamma, tellenere uat sanimabicese di tri berres ere.
   Uatisiue?  Uara iu goine du?  Go compleine sittiolle?

[JohnKentucky]

QUOTE(Greg Dunn @ Aug 30 2003, 8:50 PM)

Here's a classic:

   DI TRI BERRSE


Uans appona ...snip....  Go compleine sittiolle?

 uh..what?

[sandbox]

Hey John try this!
http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/

[JohnKentucky]

Great! Thanks...I love that haha!