Christmas Humor

[jepinto]

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A GRINCH

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
(I had some ex-cousins that actually did this. They sent yours back the next year with your name scratched out and theirs in its place. . .the only new cards they sent were if you had a pet! They also hung their Xmas tree upside down from the ceiling. . .after it was spray painted Black!!)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

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WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA

* Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

* While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

* Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

* While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

* Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

* Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

* Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

* While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

* Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

* Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

* While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

* Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

* Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

* Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

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ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM SANTA

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

3. Don't pout.

4. It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

8. Bright red can make anyone look good.

9. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

10. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

11. Whenever you're at a loss for words, say:"HO, HO, HO!"



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Happy Holidays to one and all!

[Xairbusdriver]

5a. Shop for yourself at a nice store (one that offers free gift boxes) and always ask for an extra box or two. Use them for those 'Blue-light specials!'

BTW, must be a lot of people from LA here in Memphis, about 10% of the cars/SUV's/pickups have wreaths or ribbons! But this brings me joy because I now know where many of the crazy drivers come from. It is very depressing to think it might be something in our water!  

"HO! HO! HO!"

[June Drabek]

No Jokes.......just wishing all  you good dear people a  very Blessed Christmas and a Happy, healthy New year,and  most  of all....may there be Peace  on Earth. With Love.....June

[jepinto]

Either a bit late or starting early,

RULES FOR BUYING MEN PRESSIES

Rule #1:When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. The good news is that he will never remember to plug it in, and it will run out of juice eventually. Think of his cordless drill collection equally as important to him as your shoe & purse collection.


Rule #2:If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Buying him a socket and ratchet set is kind of like you swooning every time you see a picture of Leonardo Di Caprio.   Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. Dice are lame but a scratch and sniff air freshener with a nude picture of Pamela Anderson on it are pretty cool.  No one knows why.

Rule #4:Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. We know why they do this, but will not say.

Rule #6:Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks, there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups.   Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. You can be sure that you will find one on his member one night with "The Pleasure Monster" running down it's base. Humor him if you only see "The Pleas"  

Rule #9:Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. He will end up swearing and bleeding all over the carpet.

Rule #10:Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks and give him a hammer. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a sporting event are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."  Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. If you can't find rope, get handcuffs or silk scarves.  He'll know what to do with them. No one knows why.