2 religious jokes

[jepinto]

New ideas    
An elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first." The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir - and we were packed to the balcony." "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas." "Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' can't stay on the church roof."
_______________________________________
The Green Light
I was sitting at a stop light this morning. The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not obey its command - a green light is a commandment NOT a suggestion. When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up ) screaming epithets and beating on my steering wheel.  My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, gun drawn, tapping on my window. Against my protestations of, "You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his.

After about two hours in a holding cell, the arresting officer advised me I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."

The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, "What a jerk. But there is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car. Then I noticed the 'Cross' hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Choose Life' license tag, and the 'Jesus is coming Soon' bumper sticker, and I thought you must have stolen the car".
 
 [ 02-19-2003, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: jepinto ]

[RNKIII]

+/- one more      

Don't Step on the Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.  

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.  It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  

St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. 'The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
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The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"        

Bob K

[Lee]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in
liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew
out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also probably a Honda, because the
apostles
were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived
in
Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

[Highmac]

3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold  is His name." "Amen"

A  little boy was  overheard praying:  "Lord, if you  can't make  me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real  good time  like I
am."

A Sunday  school class  was studying the  Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone  could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and  quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour's wife."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason  sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His  father asked  him three times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy  replied, "That  preacher said he wanted  us brought up  in a  Christian home, and  I wanted  to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching  my three-year old  daughter, Caitlin,  the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after  me the lines from the  prayer. Finally,  she decided to  go solo.  I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to  the end of  the  prayer:  "Lead  us  not  into  temptation," she  prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

And  one particular  four-year-old prayed, "And  forgive us  our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A Sunday school teacher asked her  children, as they  were on  the way to church service, "And why is  it necessary to  be quiet  in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old  Angie  and her four-year-old  brother Joel  were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out  loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed  to talk  out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?"  Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the back of the  church and  said, "See those  two men  standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,  5, Ryan,  3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first  pancake.Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If  Jesus were  sitting here,
He would say, 'Let my brother  have the first  pancake, I  can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was  at the  beach with his  children when  the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him  to the  shore, where a seagull lay dead  in the  sand. "Daddy, what  happened to  him?" the son  asked. "He died  and went  to Heaven," the  Dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

A  wife invited some  people to  dinner. At the  table, she  turned to their  six-year-old  daughter  and  said, "Would you  like to  say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say,"  the wife answered.  The daughter  bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth  did I invite  all these  people to
dinner?"
-----------------

[daffy]

All of them terrific. I've forwarded several.

A good laugh is better than an apple a day, any day.
 
 [ 03-07-2003, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: daffy ]

[jcarter]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days,
and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it
will judge who does the better job ."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course,
the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out
all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves".

[krissel]

quote:Originally posted by daffy:
[QB
A good laugh is better than an apple a day, any day.[/QB]

I don't think Steve would agree with you on that.

[dolphin]

)))))THIS IS STEVE!!!(((((  I do like a good laugh..but an APPLE a day is a must...and don't YOU forget it!                    
 
 [ 03-08-2003, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: dolphin ]

[jepinto]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, D.C. parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle on his front  lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.  How might I help you?" "

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at  St. Brigid's.  There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind  as to  send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the  matter?"

Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of  last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."