OT: Holiday Funnies

[Diana]

Children As Pets - The Cat Years        
(Author Unknown)

I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate
- teenagers are cats.  It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it,
train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at
you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with
enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old
cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if
wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging
your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets
hungry-then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long
enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving.

When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate
gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare,
as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.  You,
not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must
be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant,
sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.

Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay
and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong.
Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your
pet behave.  Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that
worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call
it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The
more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to
behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let
it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your
affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm,
comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door
for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a
big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those
dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.

[sandbox]

All I've been sent resently is political jokes so I thank you for that one  

[kelly]

I was recently sent this.

Jeff Foxworthy says you must be an Iowan if . . . .

You've never met any celebrities

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway

"Vacation" means driving through the Amanas or going to Adventureland

You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular

You measure distance in minutes

Down south to you means Missouri

You know several people who have hit a deer

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Moines"

You know the answer to the question "Is this Heaven?"

Your school classes were cancelled because of cold

Your school classes were cancelled because of heat

You know where all the Yoders live

You know what "Hawks" and "Clones" are

You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way

You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day

You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better"

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July

Stores don't have bags, they have sacks

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year

You end your sentences with an unnecessary exposition. Example:  "Where's my coat at?"

Is this wrong?

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or vegetable

You can locate Iowa on the United States map

Detassling was your first job

You've been on a "Geode Hunt"

Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice

You learn your pickup will run without a muffler

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked

When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say "It was different"

People from other states love to hear you say "Iowa" and other words with "Os" in them

You carry jumper cables in your car

You drink "pop"

You know what the numbers I-80, 280 and 380 mean

You know what "cow chips" are

You actually understand these statements and pass them on to all your Iowa friends

The only one I didn't think was true.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals

[Kruser]

My husband, not happy with my mood swings bought me a mood ring the other day, sohe would be able to monitor my moods.
 
 When I'am in a good mood it turns green. When i'am in a bad mood it leaves a big  ugly red mark on his forehead!.
 
Maybe  next time he wll buy me a diamond!.  

[jepinto]

SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE TRYING TO KILL YOU -----------------------------------------------
15.  Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

14.  He actually *does* have your tongue.

13.  You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

12.  Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

11.  You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

10.  As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

9.  Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

8.  Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me?  Mew looking at me?"

7.  Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

6.  You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5.  Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4.  Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

3.  Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2.  You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

1.  Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

[Bernie]

Signs your cat has learned your internet password

    * You get email flames from some guy named Fluffy."
    * Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
    * You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
    * Your web browser has a new home page at CalicoScootz.com: .
    * Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
    * Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
    * Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
    * You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
    * On ICQ, you're known as the IronMouser.
    * Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

 

[DaveF]

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in wh! ich you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have the title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.

[Thomas S. England]

Go to www.google.com type in " weapons of mass destruction " , hit the " I feel lucky button " and read carefully the error.

[Kruser]

SEX

   A lil old lady was running up and down the halls of a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up her nightgown and say" SUPERSEX"!. She walked up to a elderly gentleman in a wheelchair flipping up her nitegown, she said "SUPERSEX". He sat there for a second or two and finally answered.
     
    "I'll have the SOUP"!.

[jepinto]

French Foreign Legionaries

A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.

And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.

The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.

Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.

"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.

"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.

The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.

Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.

As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."  

[jb]

Want ad in a palestinian newspaper.

Wanted. Suicide bombers. Experience not required.

jb

[Gregg]

QUOTE(Thomas S. England @ Jul 5 2003, 6:34 AM)

Go to www.google.com type in " weapons of mass destruction " , hit the " I feel lucky button " and read carefully the error.

 
...a sick sense of humor. I like it.