Author Topic: Tuesday Humor  (Read 2031 times)

Offline jepinto

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Tuesday Humor
« on: August 12, 2003, 05:03:31 AM »
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.  Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.
"Because I married his widow."
_______________________________________
WHY MEN LIE

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.  "Is this your axe?"  the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.  "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.  "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.  "Is this your wife?"  the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious.  "You lied!  That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.  Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife.  Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.  Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is:  whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
__________________________________________
Have you ever wondered?

Can  you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck  wearing  the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza  come in a square  box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it  that people say they "slept  like a baby" when babies wake up like  every two hours?

When a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie,  but your ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall  buildings  and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the   ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're  going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

and finally...  Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
_______________________________________
WORDS OF WISDOM

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places.

Later, they passed some more people that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your a$$ good-bye.
Do not fear your enemies.  The worse they can do is kill you.  Do not fear friends.  At worst, they may betray you.
Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exist because of their silent consent.
~Bruno Jasienski~

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2003, 06:37:26 AM »
QUOTE
When a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Well at least, whatever the verdict, there should be a pardon....
Neil
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Offline Highmac

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« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2003, 06:53:43 AM »
A few more to keep the ball rolling.... (if somebody already posted the Darwin Awards, apologies - I missed them)

The 2003 Darwin Awards

First Place When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Honorable Mentions A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days!

A man walked into a Louisiana shop, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the assistant opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

An Arkansas man wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper left a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. An assistant called the Police immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the shop. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive identification. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor  home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
-----------------------------
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England".

The second replied: "That's nothing, I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."

The third said: " A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president of the United States. "
Neil
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Offline dolphin

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Tuesday Humor
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2003, 07:29:07 AM »
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance
to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Lot of truth here!!! Devilish2.gif
"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy

Offline RNKIII

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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2003, 08:18:54 AM »
Devilish2.gif

Gotta Love Those Irish


 "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been
 with a loose woman."
 
 The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
 
 "Yes, Father, it is."
 
 "And, who was the woman you were with?"
 
 "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't
 want to ruin her reputation."

 "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or
 later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
 
"I cannot say."
 
 "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
 
 "I'll never tell."
 
 "Was it Liz Shannon?"
 
 "I'M sorry, but I can't name her."

 "Was it Cathy Morgan?"
 
 "My lips are sealed."
 
 "Was it Flora McDonald, then?"
 
 "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
 
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a
 steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire
that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You
cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
 
 "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

 whistling.gif   Bob K.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Offline Diana

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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2003, 09:50:44 AM »
Longevity
An 80-year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such
great physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 yrs old," says the old golfer. "In fact, he golfed with me
this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Just how old is he anyway?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says, "So, I guess he
went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married!! Why would a
118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
Diana
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Offline RHPConsult

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« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2003, 10:38:46 AM »
One day, at a rather high speed, a man and his wife were cruising a Florida highway in their Corvette. A blue light brought them to a halt. The Florida Trooper says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."

The driver says"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well the cruise control has been broken for a year."

As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Dang woman, shut your mouth! NOW!"

The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."

And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette."

As the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU KEEP YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH SHUT?"

The officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking."


- - -


COMPREHENDING ENGINEERS

!)  The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


2)  Normal people .... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."


3)  An architect, artist and engineer were discussing whether it was better was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said: "I like both. " "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Offline gapstr

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« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2003, 06:21:56 AM »
QUOTE
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?


Truth can be stranger than humor. I recall a news item about 20 years ago where an employee of a fast-food chain that was part of Pepsi's parent corporation conglomerate had brought his own lunch to work, including a can of Coke. He was reportedly fired for this infraction. Shortly afterward someone higher up un the corporate structure issued a press release that the firing was done on the authority of the restaurant manager, possibly for some other offense, and that it was not Pepsi Corporation's policy to mandate what employees could bring for their own lunches. So the answer to this question, if you reverse the corporations, is apparantly no. Unless, perhaps, you work for an overzealous fast food manager.

QUOTE
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


This story must be a hoax written by a non-Chicagoan. First, because if the man only had to shovel for an hour to clear a spot it couldn't have been much of a blizzard, and second, because the story doesn't mention crappy furniture. Everybody in Chicago knows what you do to secure an on-street parking spot you have just cleared: you stick some crappy furniture in it. Every winter when there's a lot of snow Chicago's side streets are lined with busted tables, chairs, dressers, etc., and you NEVER move someone else's crappy furniture to to make room to park your car. If she had, that man's response would indeed be considered understandable, at least in some neighborhoods. As a rule of thumb, the crappier furniture, the more likely moving it may result in a Darwin Award nomination. In the more genteel neighborhoods, identified by less crappy, even fine furniture lining the streets, they are less likely to shoot a parking space poacher. Instead, the preferred punishment is to hose down the offending car until it is frozen under a solid sheet of ice.

*

And if I may make a small request, may we please avoid mocking Catholicism and other Sacred subjects? In one of the items above, a penitent confesses to his priest that he has commited either fornication or adultery, but does not name the other party out of respect for her reputation. This is correct. A penitent should only confess his own sins, not identify those of others. It is possible that the other woman, upon the conviction of her own conscience, might choose to avail herself of the Sacrament of Pennance from a different priest, in which case for the first priest to pry into her conduct would be a grave violation of her rights under the seal of confesion. Priests understand this, and should never inquire about the identities of third parties during sacramental confessions. It probably does occur that penitents sometimes do diccuss third parties during confessions, but if so, priests are obligated to strict confidentiality. Certainly no priest would ever suggest names of other persons who might be involved in a penitent's sins! This would be a grave violation of their rights, and if the suggestions were of persons who had previously confessed their sins to that priest, that would be breaking the seal of confession.

Also, no priest would tell a penitent he was forbidden to come to church. In certain serious cases, Canonical discipline might require that certain persons who persist in gravely serious or publicly scandalous conduct must be forbidden from participating in the Eucharist and other sacramental life of the church as long as they unrepentantly insist in persisting in said conduct. But the point is that persons coming to confess their sins and amend their lives must be presumed by the priest to be repentant, unless what they say in the confessional indicates otherwise. Upon absolution and reparation their confessed sins no longer bind them, so a penalty banning such a person from participating in the life of the church is unthinkable. Even an unrepentant person under Canonical excommunication is never barred from coming to church. He needs God's grace even more, not less than those without serious sins, and hopefully by continuing to come and worship, his conscience will urge him to amend his life, avail himself of God's forgiveness, and return to full participation in the life of the Church.

Finally, that last line about 3 months vacation and five good leads is just a low blow. We approach the Sacrament of Pennance with sorrow for the harm our sins cause to ourselves and others, but with assurance that God who loves us enough to give His life for us on the cross is rich in Mercy and will always forgive us when we ask Him. To suggest that penitents do so for deceptive reasons such as picking up good leads for other sins is scandalous. I will grant that the possibility of such an act lies within the realm of possible human action, but to actually do so would be far worse than any incidence of adultery or fornication.

 In closing, I'd like to thank you for allowing me to explain this here. I'm not angry with anyone here for posting this item or any other. But I hope you all can understand what a kick in the crotch this kind of joke can be. Techsurvivors has always been a decent site. I have never seen a joke or any other reference here where persons of african descent are referred to by that "N" word or anything similar. I hope Catholics and other persons who honor God and things pertaining to God may be granted that same respect.

Yours sincerely,

Andrew Gapstr.