Start the week off with a smile

[jepinto]

I have a map of the United States...  Actual size.  It says, "Scale:  1 mile = 1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

[jepinto]

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children.  They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food.  My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous.  Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  The movie cost me $95.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00, children $2.50.  So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

[jepinto]

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?"  and I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?"  He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?"  I said, "You started this."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl.  She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

[Highmac]

Morning, Jennie - you're really on a roll . You would have loved our Tommy Cooper's humour

QUOTE

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

.

More at Tommy Cooper and jokes. Some repetition, not surprisingly.

More in the same style....

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a Red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.
He's a catholic converter.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins
I thought "That's a turtle disaster"

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags
He's bisatchel.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
He said "Not you again".

[Gregg]

Thanks, I needed that.