weekend humor

[jepinto]

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

   
 
 [ 03-15-2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: jepinto ]

[Diana]

Dept. of Homeland Security
 
Dear Sirs:
 
I am writing to you for further instructions as to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists.
 
I have my duck taped....now what?
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[jepinto]

Caught speeding:
The cop got out of his car and the teenager he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
____________________________________
Colonoscopy and patients comments:
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1."Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[Bruce_F]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,

"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam" the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[Diana]

How To Pay Your Tax Bill
By  Daniel J. Garrity (adapted)

 Dear IRS,

 Enclosed is my 2003 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.  

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.  

Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

 It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

[DaveF]