OT...Weekend HUMOR!

[Xairbusdriver]

Uh, loraine, do you have 'Snopes' bookmarked? Bet not.      

Or is this where you got those 'awards?'

Still, not far from the truth!    

Jim C.
 
 [ 03-25-2003, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: airbusdriver ]

[jepinto]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes
 their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
 "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
 "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
 "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

 The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
 table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
 "I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
 "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
 "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

 "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

You're gonna hate me for this....

Hold on to your seat ........

The third little piggie says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way

[LR827]

Weekday humor?

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and England does!"
 
 [ 03-27-2003, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: LR827 ]

[Diana]

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact about a month ago while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home I stopped and got a jug of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out -- so well, in fact, the DNA tests were negative! I thank you once again for a great product.

Now I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

[JohnKentucky]

quote:Originally posted by jepinto:
HellsAngels

      picking on my state eh?

[jepinto]

quote:Originally posted by JohnKentucky:
           picking on my state eh?

Only those of us raised in Southern Indiana can truly appreciate that!

[LR827]

quote:Originally posted by airbusdriver:
Uh, loraine, do you have 'Snopes' bookmarked? Bet not.        

Or is this where you got those 'awards?'

Still, not far from the truth!      

Jim C.

airbusdriver, NO, that is not where I got that information!  It was from the Flying Herald Tribune.  It seems that the Pilot of an Airbus set it on automatic pilot and then went to sleep.  When he woke up, oh, well, you get the picture!!

[Xairbusdriver]

quote:...the Pilot of an Airbus set it on automatic pilot and then went to sleep...

The correct order was always the hardest part!    

OTOH, I don't see the problem. I thought that was why we had a F/O!    

Jim C.

[Barticus]

An elderly gentleman at the retirement home decided he was going to have a bit of fun. Acting quickly, he made up a sign that read;

Sex for sale
$20 in the bed
$10 on the couch
$5 on the floor

After hanging the sign on his door, he stepped back inside to get cleaned up.  A few hours later there is a knock on the door.  Opening it reveals an elderly woman waving a 20 dollar bill in the air.
"Well my dear"  Says the gentleman "Step inside and I'll go get the bed ready"
"Bed HELL!" Cries the woman "I want it four times on the floor!"

My Mother told me this one

[dolphin]

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides
to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and
the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

[snuffysbluff]

I LOVE these things.
Hope the "Groaner" smile don't wear out.

[jepinto]

Navajo Wisdom

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the ! astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son, laughing uproariously, refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message "Watch out for these a**holes - they have come to steal your land.

[jepinto]

The good husband.......

Jack wakes up in his bedroom with a terrible hangover. He painfully opens his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the night table. He sits up and sees a clean shirt and freshly-pressed suit hanging on the closet door.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note propped on the dresser that says "Honey, fresh orange juice and cereal is on the kitchen table.  I left  early to go shopping. Love you."  So he makes his way down to the kitchen and sure enough there's his breakfast and the morning newspaper. His teenage son is at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Bobby, what happened here last night?"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, you came home drunk at 3 A.M.. You knocked over the china cabinet, barfed in the front hall, and passed out on the stairs.  Mom and I dragged you upstairs to bed."

Puzzled, Jack asks, "So, why is your mother being so nice to me?  She laid out my clothes and had my breakfast on the table."

Bobby replies, "We got you on the bed and Mom tried to undress you.  You said, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married."

[jepinto]

A FLORIDA BLESSING
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
while ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass
fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
in Florida, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

HOLD IT.............there's more....................

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN Florida IN JULY WHEN...
~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.

~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.

~ You can make sun tea instantly.

~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and ! pepper.

~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

~ The cows are giving evaporated milk.

ah, what a place to call home!