Gotta share

[jepinto]

Top 45 Oxymorons:
 
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

[Diana]

Things I've learned from my Children

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[Steve_J]

Recently in an Ann Landers column, quote;

Let us all thank our jelly bread for little children's mangled prayers.

1) Our Father who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name. I always thought that was God's real name.
2) Our Father who are in Heaven, Harold be thy name. I've been laughing about this for 30 years.
3) Lead a snot into temptation. I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
4) Hail Mary full of grapes.
5) Our Father who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?
6) Give us this day our jelly bread.
7) He suffered under a bunch of violets.
8) And the rains came down and the spuds came up.
9) Gladly the cross-eyed bear.
10) I pledge allegiance to the flag...and to the republic for Richard Stands.
11) I led the pigeons to the flag.
unquote.

[Xairbusdriver]

Got this e-mail just in time for Mother's day:

> The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month
> when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his
> life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be
> as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband,
> boyfriend, or significant other!
>
>  DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
>  SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
>  SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
>  ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>  DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
>  SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
>  SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
>  ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>  DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
>  SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
>  SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
>  ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>  DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
>  SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
>  SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
>  ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate
>
>  DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
>  SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
>  SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
>  ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.
>
> Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those
> who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a
> warning.
>
> And remember: Money talks....But Chocolate sings.

Jim C.

[Diana]

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
  -----------------------------------------------------------------
  MONDAY:
  For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

  TUESDAY Notice:
  We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday.
  It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

  WEDNESDAY Notice:
  R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
  "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap.
  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

  THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.
  I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone
  disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

[Mrious_be]

hahaha