We need some Humor!!!

[jchuzi]

That story is totally inaccurate! I DID ask for directions!  

For better or worse, this being a family-type website, I won't post a really naughty joke involving a man who walks into a bar, an octopus, and bagpipes...

[Xairbusdriver]

I never thought I'd be able to say this, but, "Thank you, Jon!, We appreciate your burgeoning discretion!"

[jchuzi]

A groaner for opera fans:

BOSTON--"A Foreign Rodent is on the loose.  Claiming responsibility for taking the wind out of the recent storm and also for sneaking into the New England Patriots supply room, the notorious Deflater Mouse has struck again!"

[jchuzi]

CIA test...Why women make better assassins

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow  your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
   
The man said "You can't be serious.  I could never shoot my wife".
   
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
   
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
   
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."
   
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.
   
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
   
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

(Advise me about this one. When I told it to my wife, she gave me a strange look and then laughed hysterically. Should I be concerned?)  

[krissel]

QUOTE(jchuzi @ Feb 2 2015, 07:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

(Advise me about this one. When I told it to my wife, she gave me a strange look and then laughed hysterically. Should I be concerned?)  

Not if you bolt all the chairs to the floor.  

[Xairbusdriver]

Judy (SWMBO), is in DC this week for her managerial duties at DAR*. Tomorrow, the board will be visiting the CIA. I hope they don't relate their requirements for recruits. In the mean time, I need to make a trip to Home Depot...

BTW, the CIA is probably the most secure place on the planet, at least if one enters by the front door. Judy "had to buy" a small purse before she left so she could take the few items you are allowed to carry into the buildings! OTOH, I didn't actually see a list from the CIA about this. Judy said if she let me see the official letter, she'd have to shoot me.

*DAR = Daughters of the American Revolution

[Xairbusdriver]

Just got this from a HS classmate, we had several who became doctors. This was an especially touching/teaching story and I felt I needed to share it with every one here.

QUOTE

Jim
        A small boy named Jim lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia .
None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Jim".
 
One day Jim's mum came to school to check on how he was doing.  The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.
 
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.  All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face then started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.
 
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Jim, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Jim became a heart-surgeon?!!!

[jchuzi]

When everybody on earth passed on and waited to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household. The second line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
 
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
 
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

(And my wife says, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.")  

[jchuzi]

Lately, one of my cats wants to spray my winter footgear. I'm going to rename him Piss In Boots.  

[jwboyd]

Always eat a good breakfast
I got a BANG out of this

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Xairbusdriver]

I don't believe anything a Texan says... unless he has his pistol pointed at me!! I got a bang out of that story, too!

[RNKIII]

Dedicated to the man from Memphis....

 
Ode to the Spellchecker
 
 
Eye have a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four mi revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
 
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write
It shows me straight a weigh
 
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore too long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lee ever wrong
 
Eye have run this poem threw it
I’m shore your pleased to no
Its ladder perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
 
                   --sauce unknown--

[jchuzi]

Quote of the Month:

"If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists testicles are an aphrodisiac, in 10 years they could be extinct ... "

[jchuzi]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.’

You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "

[Jack W]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”
"Yes?”
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
"Have you arrested the woman?”
"No sir. The floor is still wet."