Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468073 times)

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1020 on: March 23, 2015, 05:10:48 PM »
I've always been interested in the English language. S'matter of fact, I took one required course my Senior year at college twice! Of course, the main reason was that I failed it the first time... but that's another storydisaster! rolleyes.gif Anyway, I got this from a friend and thought, at least, the men here would appreciate it.

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’

And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'Completely finished.'”

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1021 on: March 23, 2015, 07:01:54 PM »
QUOTE
His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

And had me laughing right out loud! Funny joke!

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1022 on: March 23, 2015, 07:28:02 PM »
Divorce can be very expensive. It often leads to large payments of acrimony.
Jon

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Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #1023 on: April 07, 2015, 01:33:30 PM »
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and
 orders three mugs of Bud.
 
  He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
 When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
 
  The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
 after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
 
  The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
 Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both overseas somewhere. When we
 all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
 the days when we drank together, so I'm drinking one beer for each of my
 brothers and one for myself."
 
  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
 cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
 orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
 
  One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
 notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
 the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
 offer my condolences on your loss."
 
  The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his
 eyes and he laughs.
 
  "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and
 I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
 
 
  "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
Cheers, Tom

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1024 on: April 07, 2015, 07:24:36 PM »
FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

A wise person once said.

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Hansa, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit... A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1025 on: April 08, 2015, 08:34:15 AM »
A literary groaner:

Charles Dickens walks into a  bar and orders a martini.  The bartender asks, "Olive or  twist?"
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1026 on: April 11, 2015, 11:11:55 AM »
RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED AND TROUBLED MIND

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?"  I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cellphones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can't afford one.  So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'  Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together and then go on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Jon

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Offline RNKIII

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« Reply #1027 on: April 11, 2015, 01:35:06 PM »
notworthy.gif

Bob K.   rnkiii
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #1028 on: April 11, 2015, 04:57:02 PM »
A Dog named Sex


Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.  But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?  It goes like this: "One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me.  I spent hours looking for that dog.  A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight?  I told him I was looking for Sex.  My case comes up next Tuesday. But, that ain't the worst part.  One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.  The clerk asked me what I wanted.  I told him I wanted a license for Sex.  He said, "I'd like to have one too."  Then, I said, "You don't understand.  She's a dog."  He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, "You must have been an early bloomer."


"When I decided to get married, I told the Minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding.  He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.  When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life. "After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon.  When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.  She said.
"Every room in the hotel was for sex."  I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said, "Me too."


"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.  When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, "Me too." "Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling.  My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.  I said "Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely," I told him.  He said, "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. You should get a dog."
Cheers, Tom

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1029 on: April 14, 2015, 03:55:30 PM »
This is one of the funniest lines I've read for several days:
QUOTE
Of all the bugs in Yosemite, we get "10.10.3: Now with more Emojis!!!1!!"
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1030 on: April 21, 2015, 08:15:52 AM »
Random thoughts as we age ...

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet!

 I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

 I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

 Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have white hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
 
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
 
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
 
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
Jon

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1031 on: April 21, 2015, 05:27:19 PM »
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

16. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1032 on: April 21, 2015, 06:55:33 PM »
QUOTE(kimmer)
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1033 on: April 26, 2015, 12:09:19 PM »
Two aliens hovering somewhere in the solar system are examining the earth. The first alien says, "This planet has developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

"So, there's intelligent life?," asked the second.

"I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1034 on: April 27, 2015, 07:17:39 PM »
First Day at Work...
 
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.  The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
 
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
 
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.   "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
Jon

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