Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468072 times)

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1035 on: April 27, 2015, 07:29:05 PM »
I was actually complemented by one of my first bosses (before I ever attended college!). She told me she was surprised and pleased that I knew how to sweep the floor without stirring up the dirt/dust. I've never told my wife about that, however...
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1036 on: April 30, 2015, 07:35:36 PM »
Red Skelton's Recipes
 
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy these quips.  For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed.  Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer.  A re-run of great 'one liners' from the man who was known for his clean humor.
 
I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. . .
 
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
 
 1.  Two times a week we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.  She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
 
 2.  We also sleep in separate beds.  Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
 
 3.  I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
 
 4.  I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time!" she said.  So I suggested the kitchen.
 
 5.  We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.
 
 6.  She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.  She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.
 
 7.  My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the car was.  She told me, "In the lake."
 
 8.  She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.
 
 9.  She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"  The driver said, "No, jump in!"
 
10.  Remember:  Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
 
11.  I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was 'Always.'
 
12.  I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't want to interrupt her.
 
13.  The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"  I said "Dust!"
« Last Edit: April 30, 2015, 07:36:01 PM by jchuzi »
Jon

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Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #1037 on: April 30, 2015, 08:11:14 PM »
[attachment=3141:pun.jpg]
Cheers, Tom

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1038 on: May 01, 2015, 05:03:51 PM »
Saw these on another board ...

The Basement
 
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name. Now, all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on and he was here.
 
One morning I flicked the switch and nothing happened. I did it several more times.
 
"I'm on my way," my son called up. "You didn't have to yell."



Need a Pen?
 
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
 
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
 
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1039 on: May 04, 2015, 05:06:54 PM »
Hard Work
 
A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them.
 
Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.
 
The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat.
 
After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."
 
Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat.
 
Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.
 
"What are you doing"? The farmer asked.
 
The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1040 on: May 04, 2015, 06:55:54 PM »
A man was driving at 80 mph in a 30 mph zone when a cop pulled him over.

Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?"
Man: "Is it because my license is suspended?"

Cop: "No, that's not it."
Man: "Is it because I just had two martinis?"

Cop: "No, that's not it either."
Man: "Maybe it's because there's a dead body in the trunk."

Upon hearing this, the cop called for backup. Another cop came along, sirens blaring, and spoke to the driver.

Cop: "I understand that your license is suspended."
Man: "Not at all." He shows him his perfectly valid license.

Cop: "I've been told that you were drinking."
Man: "No, I haven't. Give me a breathalyzer test." He passed with flying colors.

Cop: "What about the body in the trunk?"
Man: "Are you kidding? There is no body in the trunk." The copped looked, and, sure enough, there was nothing there.

The man then said, "I bet that other SOB cop also told you that I was speeding!"

Jon

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1041 on: May 15, 2015, 12:40:30 PM »
Did you hear about the fellow who was recently crushed by a pile of books? He’s only got his shelf to blame.

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1042 on: May 15, 2015, 06:21:14 PM »
QUOTE(kimmer @ May 15 2015, 01:40 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Did you hear about the fellow who was recently crushed by a pile of books? He’s only got his shelf to blame.
Ouch! Groan! I love it!
Jon

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Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1043 on: May 17, 2015, 10:00:48 AM »
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
'Ah! So sorry,'says the waiter.
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'...

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1044 on: May 17, 2015, 04:49:17 PM »
Groaner.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1045 on: May 20, 2015, 03:33:48 AM »
In Egypt, a mummy has been discovered completely covered in chocolate and nuts.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2015, 09:32:44 AM by Highmac »
Neil
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Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #1046 on: May 24, 2015, 12:20:38 PM »

Judge Asks Woman Why She Wants A Divorce.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

The judge said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”  wallbash.gif
Cheers, Tom

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1047 on: May 27, 2015, 02:35:57 PM »
What do you get if you cross an Elephant and a Kangaroo?
.
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.
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Potholes all over Australia.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2015, 02:36:11 PM by kimmer »

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1048 on: June 08, 2015, 08:18:30 PM »
What do you get when you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the phew!

What do you get when you cross a parrot & a centipede?
A walkie-talkie!

What do you get if you cross a cow and a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes

What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
A 6 foot toothbrush.

What do you get when you cross a baby goat with a hedgehog?
A stuck-up kid

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
Frostbite

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out a night!

What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A cat-a-logue!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A sourpuss!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A peeping tom!

What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
Santa Claws!

What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
A Peking Tom!

What do you get if cross a Termite with a Dinosaur?
Dino-mite!

What do you get if cross a Turtle with a Cow?
A Turtle-Neck Jersey

What do you get if cross a Turkey with a Octopus?
Enough Drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving

What do you get if cross a Food Processor with a Word Processor?
Minced Words

What do you get when you cross oatmeal & ducks?
Quacker oatmeal!

What do you get when you cross a wolf and an egg?
A very hairy omelette!

What do you get when you cross a bank with a skunk?
Dollars and scents!

What do you get when you cross a Mustang and an elephant?
A convertible with a big trunk!

What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck!

What do you get when you cross a cheetah & a hamburger?
Fast Food!

What do you get when you cross a T-Rex with a dog?
Something that drinks out of any toilet it wants to!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee Bah-Humbug

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a computer?
A hairy reasoner.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a lion?
I don't know, but when it speaks you better listen. Q:

What do you get when you cross a ghost and a couple of bees?
A: boobies

What do you get if you cross a daffodil with a crocodile?
I don't know but I wouldn't try sniffing it!

What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
Ten feet of barbed wire.

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockapoodledoo!

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

What do you get when you cross the worlds best fairy tale teller and the worlds worst mammal A Whale of a Tale

What do you get when you cross a blue cat and a red parrot?
A purple carrot!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A: A bird that talks your ear off!

What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake ?
A: A sing-a-long!

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo & a sheep?
A wooly jumper!

What do you get when you cross a cat, a dog, and an A+?
A: Paws-itively purrr-fect!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A: A brick layer!

What do you get when you cross a bat and a bell?
A dingbat!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a bunch of daisies?
Collie flowers.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino!

What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad?
Star Warts!

What do you get when you cross a strawberry with a road?
A traffic jam!

What do you get when you cross a lizard and a baby?
A creepy crawler!

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1049 on: June 08, 2015, 08:37:50 PM »
What do you get when you cross a lady and a computer?
« Last Edit: June 08, 2015, 08:38:04 PM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes: