This is a tribute to my late grandmother, who was the kindest woman in the world but also the world's worst cook. During WW II, she wanted to do her part for the war effort, so she said to my grandfather, "Maybe I should cook for our troops." My grandfather replied, "If you really want to help our boys, cook for the German army."
My father claimed that, until he joined the Army, he never knew that you didn't have to have heartburn after every meal. Family lore had it that she could burn water. Zero Mostel must have known her when he quipped, "Jewish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler."
If a label says, "Just like Grandma used to make", I won't eat it.
JEWISH WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Latkes
A pancake-like structure, not to be confused with anything a first-class health restaurant would put out.
In a latke the oil remains inside the pancake.
It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal.
Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but COULD also be used to comb your hair, shine your shoes or lubricate your automobile.
There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees, they lit a latke by mistake and it burned for eight days.
What is certain is that you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.
It tastes GREAT but will stop your heart if the grease gets cold.
Matzoh
Israel 's punishment for escaping slavery, it consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all.
When made especially well, it could actually taste like a cardboard box recycled from the Tel Aviv city dump.
Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time--sometimes far too long--and you are advised to eat lots of prunes with it.
If the prunes do not work, try castor oil, or even gunpowder as a last resort before a surgeon has to mine it out.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known "delicacies" that is even more difficult to pronounce than it is to cook.
It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bowtie noodles (not macaroni).
Why bowties? Many sages in the Old Testament discussed this and agreed that an ancient Jewish mother must have decided, 'Son, you can't come to the table without a tie or, G-d forbid, place your elbow on the table."
If Mamma said 'bowties,' you better believe that's what the family used, even if they had to invent them on the spot.
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine's 'blintzkreig.'
Can you imagine the Jerusalem Post in '39 with huge headlines announcing:
'Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes on Poland. Shortage of sour cream expected'? Basically, this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzettes. They are actually offered on the menu at the local International House of Pancakes, but no one there knows what the hell they are.
In ignorant bliss, they often serve them frozen from the blintz factory. No modern woman will take time to make them if she can find a grocery store selling frozen ones (assuming she can find someone in that store who knows where they are kept).
Kishke
You know from Scottish Haggis? Well, this it ain't. Remember what I say if you should go to the Highlands .
You do not want to eat Haggis, no matter how much Scotch you've downed. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it to make kishke.
Today we use parchment paper or plastic (made in China). And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. The skill is not to cook it alone, but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
The gravy can be purchased in bulk at any southern Bisquitville drive-thru.
Kreplach
They sound worse than they taste. There is a rabbinical debate on their origins. One Rabbi claims they began when a Chinese fortune cookie fell into the chicken soup.
Another claims they started in an Italian restaurant, where the owner yelled at the chef, 'Disa pasta tastes like-a krep!' Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy, and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. Tastes best if made in a Manhattan deli where they serve the soup by the barrel-load.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries.
The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. Precursor of Superglue.
At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican refried beans: 'What, they serve leftover cholent here too?"
A Jewish American Princess once came up with something original for her guests (her first and probably last cooking attempt at the age of 25).
She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back. The dogs ate the burgers but later threw up and had to be taken by ambulance to the pet emergency room.
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his fishpond and a few of his fish got rather stuck and mangled.
His son (5 years old at the time) looked at them and asked, "Is that why we call it 'ge-filtered fish?" Originally it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually is comprised of small fish balls eaten with horseradish (pronounced 'chrain' to rhyme with 'insane,' which you have to be to inflict it on your innards) and is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
The VERY NAME OF THIS DISH FRIGHTENS FULLY GROWN AND SOPHISTICATED GENTILES and they actually run when it is merely mentioned.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon, the bagel?
Like most foods there are legends surrounding the bagel, although I don't know any other than it was first discovered when unsugared donuts accidentally petrified.
There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox.
Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating smoked salmon or trout on white bread? Rye ? A cracker? Naaa! The Israel Defense Forces research lab looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room in desert-maneuvers ration kits.
And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there to indicate where the hole is placed
