Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468059 times)

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1095 on: October 21, 2015, 07:06:15 PM »
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
-  Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
         
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge  
 
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
 
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
 
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
 
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
 
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
 
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
 
And the cardiologist's diet:  -  If it tastes good spit it out.
 
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1096 on: November 01, 2015, 09:28:03 AM »
Did you hear about the woman who sued the hospital after her husband's surgery? Says he lost all interest in sex.

The hospital denies any responsibility, saying his cataract removal was a complete success.
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1097 on: November 04, 2015, 06:19:55 PM »
Gems from Phyllis Diller:

Whatever  you may look like, marry a man your own age. As  your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework  can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning  your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the  sidewalk before it stops snowing.
 
The  reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the  same outfit in public.

Best  way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A  bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
 
I  want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.  Then  I want to move in with them.

Most  children threaten at times to run away from home. This  is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any  time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,  a  bank has just been robbed.

We  spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk  and talk  and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
 
Burt  Reynolds once asked me out. I  was in his room.

What  I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next  day.
 
The  only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the  steam iron.

His  finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old  age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
 
My  photographs don't do me justice -they  just look like me.

I  admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My  boyfriend lives forty miles away.  

Tranquillizers  work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -  keep away from children.

I  asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He  said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The  reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him  laughing.

You  know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.  
 
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1098 on: November 21, 2015, 06:26:33 PM »
ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just take off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you expel gas.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt - then things just keep getting worse.
20.. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Jon

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1099 on: December 03, 2015, 02:04:50 PM »
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, "Of course."

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.

When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
"Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1100 on: December 29, 2015, 07:07:47 PM »
God's Aging Plan

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend,
reach & stretch.  He looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it is God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you may
mutter under your breath.


Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.


Do not ignore this message. This is your only warning.
 
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1101 on: January 14, 2016, 11:19:20 AM »
Proving that writing your own web site can be fun!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1102 on: January 26, 2016, 06:45:40 PM »
Random Thoughts:
                                                         
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
                                                     
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
                                                                                                               
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
     
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
                                                         
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
     
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
                                                         
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
                                                         
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
                                                         
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
                                                         
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
                                                     
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
                                                         
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1103 on: February 02, 2016, 09:29:51 AM »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1104 on: February 02, 2016, 10:06:18 AM »
I just downloaded and installed it. What's the big deal? Download took only 3 days and Apple is, as I write this, exercising its right (as per the EULA) to make love to my spouse. But, it's worth it!   laugh.gif
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1105 on: February 21, 2016, 06:57:00 PM »
All pilots, but especially XABD (aka Jim) will appreciate this:

 Subject: Maintenance Standards

Humor for the uninitiated:
 
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma
to fix one.
 
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a
'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs
on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before
the next flight.
 
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
 
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never,
ever, had an accident.

 
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
 
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
 
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
 
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1106 on: February 21, 2016, 08:01:18 PM »
You can tell by some of these "write ups" that they've been around longer than the interweb. But they're still humorous, maybe even humourus! laughhard.gif

Read a good one recently, not about maintenance, but it applies to many pilots...

Do you know how to tell when a Marine fighter pilot walks into a room?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He'll tell you! rolleyes.gif
« Last Edit: February 21, 2016, 08:04:08 PM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1107 on: February 25, 2016, 07:23:06 PM »
IRISH  OR ITALIAN ...?
 
There  were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio  Secola, whose  lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
 
In  the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio  was born in Italy .
 
Faithfully  they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in  high school.  They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in  college, and upon graduation, became priests.
 
Their  careers had come to amaze the world, but  it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above  Timothy Murphy in  all respects.

Their rise through the  ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally  Cardinal was  swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope  died, it  would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
 
In  time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to  work.
 
In  less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the  chimney and  the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
 
The  world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn  that Timothy  Murphy had been elected Pope!
 
Antonio  Secola was beyond surprise.  He was devastated, because even with all  of Timothy's  gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.
 
With  gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private  session with  them in which he candidly asked:  "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an  old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to  reply.
 
"We  knew you were the better of the two, but we just could  not bear  the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called  .........,
 
POPE  SE-COLA !
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1108 on: March 07, 2016, 07:21:31 PM »
Chutzpah:

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word  meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, sheer guts  plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and no other word and no other  language, can do it justice.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for a dollar  each. Every day a young man would leave his office  building at lunch time, ​and as he passed the pretzel stand he would  leave her $1.00 but never take a pretzel.

This offering went  on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as  the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his dollar  as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him for the first time in  over 3 years.

Without blinking an eye she said: "They're  $1.25 now."
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1109 on: March 10, 2016, 09:31:16 AM »
If you can watch these videos and not laugh, you need to give away your Apple products and get an appointment with your doctor!

This is absolutely the best method I have ever seen to harvest your email addy! Just keep watching them and you'll see what I mean. And you'll definitely enjoy the journey.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes: