Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468052 times)

Offline kimmer

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1125 on: May 30, 2016, 08:53:37 PM »
QUOTE(jchuzi @ May 30 2016, 11:17 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
To get back on track (and supply a groaner to my "legions" of fans):

Benny Hill, the famous comedian, got married. He and his bride decided to tour Transylvania on their honeymoon. As they were driving, a storm came up and they crashed into a ditch. Igor, the hunchback, found them and took them to a forbidding-looking castle where Dr. Frankenstein had his busy practice. The good doctor attempted to revive them, but to no avail. Extremely distressed, he tried to console himself by playing the organ. The sounds of the organ drifted into the examination room and Igor saw, with great joy, that Mr. and Mrs. Hill had regained consciousness!

Beside himself with excitement, he ran up to the doctor and excitedly exclaimed, "The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Oh no! HAHAHAHA NO. NO. NO.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jon, this one wins a prize. HAHAHAHAHA

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1126 on: June 07, 2016, 11:50:12 AM »
Couldn't help thinking of some of our friends across the Pond when I read this:
QUOTE
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they’re very efficient and not very funny.


But another "two-liner" was directly aimed at me. I didn't think it was funny!
QUOTE
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.
Maybe I'm too German... dntknw.gif scram.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1127 on: June 07, 2016, 01:34:15 PM »
According to industry insiders, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1128 on: June 07, 2016, 04:30:27 PM »
QUOTE(MakTekniko @ Jun 7 2016, 11:09 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Very clever and well thought out. smile.gif

Is it yours, Kimmer, or did you find it elsewhere?

Haha ... I am not that clever. I found them floating around in either an email or at facebook or somewhere. No idea who the original author is.

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1129 on: June 07, 2016, 04:37:46 PM »
huh.gif dntknw.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1130 on: June 08, 2016, 03:18:43 PM »
Found these on a scrap of paper while I was cleaning out some files:
  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.
  • A man went to buy some camouflage trousers, but he couldn't find any.
  • I went to the butcher's shop the other day and bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
  • I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  • Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1131 on: June 09, 2016, 05:43:21 AM »
Redskins Drop Offensive Name

The  Washington Redskins finally drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder,  owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping " Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known  as "The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word  'Washington” imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement,  corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

(I posted this in the Humor forum, but I'm not sure if it's funny.)  Thinking.gif
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1132 on: June 09, 2016, 08:13:13 PM »
QUOTE
but I'm not sure if it's funny.
After all your "puns"?! Have you turned over a new leaf?

I have some good news/bad news. Many of you know we live with a cat. Recently he low humidity has intensified the problem she has with static electricity. We took the cat to a vet (who did a dog scan) and broke the bad mews that we would simply have to suffer with the static electricity caused by Sweetie's fur. That's the bad news, of course.

Fortunately, at the same time we were at the vet one of the members of the local Draft Board overheard our sad story. So we now have some good news! The gentleman pulled some strings and had our cat deferred! cheer.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1133 on: June 10, 2016, 10:09:59 PM »
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO.'"

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1134 on: June 11, 2016, 06:20:34 PM »
Two more groaners found tucked away on my iMac ...

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

___________________________________
 
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York.

As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: "Would you like dinner?"

"What are my choices?" asked the passenger.

"Yes or No," replied the attendant.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2016, 01:48:21 AM by Highmac »

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1135 on: June 12, 2016, 01:27:11 PM »
Bigger groan:

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Jon

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1136 on: June 12, 2016, 03:52:26 PM »
How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.

What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half.

Senior Thoughts:
  • Is it just me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1137 on: June 13, 2016, 07:14:58 AM »
Ah, you'll love this one then... seen in a kiddies' corner at a tourist attraction in Norfolk, England.

QUOTE
How should you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2016, 07:15:17 AM by Highmac »
Neil
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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1138 on: June 13, 2016, 08:09:08 AM »
QUOTE(Highmac @ Jun 13 2016, 08:14 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Ah, you'll love this one then... seen in a kiddies' corner at a tourist attraction in Norfolk, England.

QUOTE
How should you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.


I love it! Just remember to keep your cheese jokes brie and to the point.  Devilish2.gif
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1139 on: June 13, 2016, 09:59:49 AM »
Found this a few days ago...
QUOTE
The definition of knowing what a woman really wants: “It’s like trying to figure out what colour the letter seven smells like.


I was not the only one who found it funny - the missus (married 10 years this week smile.gif ) did too
Neil
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.