We need some Humor!!!

[kimmer]

QUOTE(Highmac @ Sep 3 2016, 02:05 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I was on the bus the other day and I saw a very old lady struggling as she got on. I obviously surrendered my seat so she could sit down. Worst mistake I've ever made. I mean, how was I to know she'd never driven a bus before?

Now that's funny!!!

[jwboyd]

Best one I've seen in a while:

What do you call a woman who is married to a hippie? Mississippi!

Jim: My son sent this to his daughter, who is a kindergarten teacher in Byhalia, MS (just a few miles from Collierville, TN).

[Xairbusdriver]

We have a main north/south street in our town named after Byhalia! You'd never guess where it goes...

I've been reminded just today how small this world is. I was waiting in a crowd of fellow FedEx retirees in the lobby of the church where we were to honor another retiree when I saw my cousin (I only have three!)! She was a good friend of the honoree's wife! Last time I saw her was a few months ago at the 100th birthday celebration for one of my wife's Aunts back in my hometown. Turns out my cousin's little Sister (I think that means she's one of those three cousins!) was a college room mate of the honoree's granddaughter!

Our family was not close, we all left our home town after High School or college and have never had any kind of 'reunion'. But I married into a family that is typical of many in Arkansas: Everyone in the family is already a cousin! Going to 'the store' is usually a 'reunion'!

[jwboyd]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Sep 3 2016, 01:33 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We have a main north/south street in our town named after Byhalia! You'd never guess where it goes...

I've been reminded just today how small this world is. I was waiting in a crowd of fellow FedEx retirees in the lobby of the church where we were to honor another retiree when I saw my cousin (I only have three!)! She was a good friend of the honoree's wife! Last time I saw her was a few months ago at the 100th birthday celebration for one of my wife's Aunts back in my hometown. Turns out my cousin's little Sister (I think that means she's one of those three cousins!) was a college room mate of the honoree's granddaughter!

Our family was not close, we all left our home town after High School or college and have never had any kind of 'reunion'. But I married into a family that is typical of many in Arkansas: Everyone in the family is already a cousin! Going to 'the store' is usually a 'reunion'!

Jim: I have a niece who lives at Signal Mountain (near Chattanooga) and goes to DAR state conventions. Might she have met your wife?

[Xairbusdriver]

Probably. They just completed a series of District meetings around the State. My wife was also the State Regent several years ago. She just finished up three years serving on the NSDAR National Board. Could PM her last name or her Chapter?

[kimmer]

Man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" 
He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife..


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"


"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
 He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[kimmer]

Couple of thoughts that arrived in my email:

• I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza for dinner.
• Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

[kimmer]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

[jchuzi]

In this most unusual election season, we need another groaner to make us grateful for the campaigns. Here goes:

A man found that he could not get a light fixture to light. He replaced the bulb, replaced the switch, checked the circuit breaker, all to no avail. Finally, he summoned an electrician. The electrician told him to gather his family around the switch and to hold hands while he flipped the switch. Lo and behold, the bulb lit!

He asked the electrician to explain this, and was informed that "Many hands make light work."  

[kimmer]

Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

[jchuzi]

ADVANCED MARKETING

Boudreaux, the smoothest talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable because it cost these low-income recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurance and you goes to Afghanistan and gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurance, which cost you only tirty dollars a munt, den da governmen gots to pay you benefishery $400,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which folks do you tink dey gonna send to Afghanistan first?"

[Xairbusdriver]

Never judge a speaker by his accent!

[jchuzi]

Don't mess with Senior Citizens.

A senior lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250. She demanded to know why the charge was so high.

"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250 is the 'standard rate' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use".

"But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here and you could have", explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here", the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them and you could have", the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes of discussion and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But madam, this check is for $50."

"That's correct. I charged you $200 for sleeping with me", she replied.

"But I didn't", exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have".

[Xairbusdriver]

Finally a good use for Facebook!

<Housework!>

Corrected link, I hope! Still, it does have an ad to sit through. OTOH, there's really nothing to hear on the video, so you can mute before using the link and hold your hand over most of the ad...

[kimmer]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Dec 20 2016, 04:51 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Finally a good use for Facebook!

<Housework!>

Whatever this was is no longer there.