Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468044 times)

Offline Xairbusdriver

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1170 on: December 23, 2016, 08:35:15 PM »
After a thorough and exhaustive search, I've updated the URL. thumbup.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1171 on: December 24, 2016, 10:51:05 AM »
Not one of my cats would have sat still in that gadget. Instead they would have run around hissing at it and in the process leaving more fur for it to pick up. LOLOL

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1172 on: January 13, 2017, 09:30:14 AM »
This saga is highly technical, but I think this thread is the best place for it. Thinking.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1173 on: January 18, 2017, 01:22:27 PM »
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.   Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
Jon

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Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1174 on: January 18, 2017, 01:40:11 PM »
Groaner.gif laugh.gif

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1175 on: January 18, 2017, 02:56:19 PM »
I think he may be suffering the consequences of at least one bite ... or byte, if on this site.
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline RNKIII

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« Reply #1176 on: January 18, 2017, 04:10:40 PM »
I have a TRUE tale concerning myself in a Chrysler van, a large Black snake, and a Redtailed hawk , coming together on a quiet country road one evening..

Some day when I've little else to do and limber fingers, I'll put it on here...

Bob K.   rnkiii
« Last Edit: January 18, 2017, 05:11:45 PM by Xairbusdriver »
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1177 on: January 18, 2017, 05:14:27 PM »
I'm giddy with anticipation! laughhard.gif I'll try to remember not to be drinking milk when I read your epistle! tease.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1178 on: January 19, 2017, 01:51:08 PM »
In ancient Persia, the supreme ruler was known as the richest potentate in the world. Still, he wanted to show other rulers that his fortune was superior to theirs. Therefore, he summoned the Grand Vizier and asked what he should do. The Vizier pondered the question and replied, "Sire, all kings have their own fleet of ships but none has a flagship made of precious stones." The king thought that this was an excellent idea. He had his subjects scurry through the kingdom to find the best quality gems and, in due course, a ship was made of them. Naturally, he became renowned throughout the ancient world and is still remembered for this.

What? You didn't know? You mean you never heard of ... the Ruby Yacht of Omar Khayyam?
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1179 on: January 19, 2017, 02:03:53 PM »
Another gem from Jon? Orr maybe not.. rolleyes.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1180 on: February 16, 2017, 03:54:24 PM »
A bit late for Valentines Day... but surely worth the wait!

CODE
This love story should help enhance your sensitivity training for the year ahead.
 
  Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
 
  She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
 
  So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
 
  When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"
 
  Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
 
A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes...
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1181 on: February 16, 2017, 04:46:38 PM »
One question: When will Alan be released from the hospital?  whistling.gif
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1182 on: February 21, 2017, 07:28:37 PM »
Never lie to your Rabbi.

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1183 on: February 22, 2017, 07:26:57 PM »
We need to take a break from the angst produced by politics. This is temporary, of course, but I, at least, need it.

Both Trump supporters and critics will laugh at this one.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's health care package:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the #$!& in Washington.
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1184 on: February 22, 2017, 10:17:03 PM »
Jon! Groaner.gif Take an aspirin and DO NOT call me
in the morning...
or afternoon...
or at night!!! scram.gif
« Last Edit: February 22, 2017, 10:18:04 PM by Xairbusdriver »
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes: