We need some Humor!!!

[jchuzi]

Some smiles for everyone:

Spring is here. I'm so excited, I wet my plants.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup and just had the biggest vowel movement ever.

For the rich, there's therapy. For the rest of us, there's chocolate.  

Once you lick the icing off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy.

I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.  

Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

I'm thinking of calling in Ghostbusters. I'm convinced that I live in a haunted house. Every time I look in the mirror, this old man comes in and stands between me and my reflection.

Relationship tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but..." DON'T DO IT!! IT'S A TRAP!! Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT correct that woman!!

[kimmer]

QUOTE(jchuzi @ Feb 24 2017, 02:10 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Some smiles for everyone:

HAHAHA ... thanks for these.

[jchuzi]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.  The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.  He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!  Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:  'No, not this time!'

[jwboyd]

Story I heard once (probably not true):

"My dad wanted me to have a Bible name. When he first saw me, he exclaimed, 'That's Theophilus!'"
(See Acts 1:1)

[jchuzi]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.  'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Highmac]

This turned up in a local newspaper column:

QUOTE

If you visit a firm's website and a page fails to load, you usually get an Americanised apology on the lines of: “Oops, we've boobed!” So I was charmed a few days ago to have this same problem with the Royal Shakespeare Company website, which responded: “No page! How did that happen? We are indeed an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!”
Will would have approved.

[Xairbusdriver]

Many sites like to get creative and humorous with their 404 pages. It's an attempt to sooth the anger created by the user typing a url incorrectly or the dev forgetting to double-check all links before publishing.

Just search for "funny 404 pages" or something similar, but be prepared to not get the page you want.

[Highmac]

I always thought bosses were there to create work for people.... so what's this guy's problem?

QUOTE

Thanks to the boss for clicking on a phishing email today and potentially infecting his laptop, I've lost 2 hours this afternoon and most of the evening cleaning up his machine. He clicked a link in an "Apple Security Team" email and got a message saying "Ha ha, *****, your files have been locked by X-Ghost" - I pulled the Ethernet and turned wireless off to try and isolate the machine as soon as he alerted me but that was around 5 minutes after he'd clicked the link.

Luckily nothing serious discovered but AVG did [absolutely nothing]* to protect him from his stupidity. Malwarebytes found 1,572 items that posed a risk - mostly adware and tracking cookies I hope!! My main concern was the server is mapped out as a drive. Ironically, this is the boss who implemented our Internet Security Policy - couldn't make it up, could you?

I wonder what delights will pop up tomorrow?

*replaces a much shorter phrase we wouldn't allow on this forum

[jchuzi]

Some thoughts about women from a man who really understands them: William Golding

[Xairbusdriver]

I really did try to connect to the link connected to what I thought you might be referring to. The image/link for Mr Golding simply takes me (three times, my limit on doing the same thing while expecting different results) to the App Store 'hinting' that I might want to download/install the Pinterest(so?) app. No, I just want to read what the man said. I may use my favorite, non-personal data gathering search engine and see what Jon finds interesting about him. Thank you, very much!

Perhaps Apple has inserted automatic redirects to thier iOS App Store?

[kimmer]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Mar 10 2017, 06:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I really did try to connect to the link connected to what I thought you might be referring to. The image/link for Mr Golding simply takes me (three times, my limit on doing the same thing while expecting different results) to the App Store 'hinting' that I might want to download/install the Pinterest(so?) app. No, I just want to read what the man said. I may use my favorite, non-personal data gathering search engine and see what Jon finds interesting about him. Thank you, very much!

Perhaps Apple has inserted automatic redirects to thier iOS App Store?

It's a photo that is at Pinterest. You have to register to view the item. If you're on a mobile device, then you will be prompted to install the app and sign in, before you can view the item. The redirect isn't from Apple, it's from Pinterest.

If you want to see the photo, you'll find it here:
http://cuzyouwanttotakemypicture.tumblr.co...st/155875857196

[Xairbusdriver]

Sorry, I don't get why all the hoops. If you want to display something why make all those requirements. Sure, you only have to register once, but why even that much? And if I want to see the stuff I've registered to see on a mobile device, now I 'get' to download another app? What/how does "Pinterest" display things differently than a web page/blog/forum? Email, for that matter. I want to know what the guy said, what does he think, why is he worth reading/listening to? I'm not interested in yet another way to see the same html/javascript/css. Not to mention having my activities added to some data base. BAH! HUMBUG! I'm just a Twit!

Sorry, it's been a bad few weeks...

[jchuzi]

Etymology (the origin of words) is fascinating. Many English words originated from other languages. Here are a few examples:

POLITICS comes from two Greek words, "poly", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".

VEGETARIAN originated as an Apache word, meaning "lousy hunter".

INNUENDO is Italian for "suppository".

BIGAMIST is also Italian for "pea-soup fog".

[jwboyd]

QUOTE(jchuzi @ Mar 12 2017, 07:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Etymology (the origin of words) is fascinating. Many English words originated from other languages. Here are a few examples:

POLITICS comes from two Greek words, "poly", meaning "many", and "tics", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".

VEGETARIAN originated as an Apache word, meaning "lousy hunter".

INNUENDO is Italian for "suppository".

BIGAMIST is also Italian for "pea-soup fog".

And UNIQUE comes from two Latin words "unis", meaning "one" and "equus", meaning "horse".

[jchuzi]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach.  It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels.  We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy.  We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water.  The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort.  Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England.  It took the Americans only three hours to get home.  This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there.  The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish.  No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito.  The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed.  We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant.  This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BEWARE ...
THEY WALK AMONG US