We need some Humor!!!

[RNKIII]

One of my favorite 'growing up' memories....  you had to listen carefully to catch all the 'real' humor coming through underneath...

Bob K.   rnkiii

[Xairbusdriver]

QUOTE("Bob K.")

One of my favorite 'growing up' memories...

WHAT?! Are you saying you're a 'grown up'?!
My filossofee is "You don't have a choice about growing old, but you can choose not to grow up!"

[jchuzi]

Some quips to take our minds off politics:

· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

· When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

· Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

· America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

· You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

· Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

· My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

· I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

· Money talks ... But all mine ever says is good-bye.

· You're not fat, you're just ... Easier to see.

· If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

· I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out?

· I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.

· My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

· My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

· Denny's has a slogan, “If it's your birthday, the meal is on us”. If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

· The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

· The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

· Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

· The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[Highmac]

The preacher of a small village has a bright 5-year-old daughter.
She often noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.
She asked him, “Dad, why are you doing that every Sunday?”
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
Looking incredulous, she asks, “How come he doesn’t answer it?”

[Highmac]

Here's another one, lifted shamelessly from another forum within hours of it being posted... *

QUOTE

Little Brandon and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Brandon received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Brandon! Please wait until we say our prayer!” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” explained Brandon. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

*No doubt the way it got on to THAT forum

[kimmer]

QUOTE(Highmac @ Sep 16 2017, 07:55 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Here's another one, lifted shamelessly from another forum within hours of it being posted... *

 

[jchuzi]

Politics
 
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."BILL GATES SAID, "NO." I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK." BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW.."
HE SAID, "OK."
 
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

[jchuzi]

Cinderella, in her later years, was in dire straits. She lived in poverty in a one room shack in the forest.. The Fairy Godmother saw this and took pity.

The Fairy Godmother visited Cinderella and said, "I see that you are troubled. I have the power to grant three wishes. What would you like?"

Cinderella pondered for a moment, then said, "I have no money. What can you do?"  The Fairy Godmother replied, "No problem!" She waved her magic wand and POOF! Cinderella's bank account had $1 million.

Cinderella then said, "For my second wish, I would like to be young and beautiful again, not old and ugly as I am now." The Fairy Godmother said, "That's easy" and POOF, Cinderella was as gorgeous as ever.

The Fairy Godmother asked for the third wish, and Cinderella said, "Years ago, Prince Charming, that no good so-and-so, left me for a younger woman. I don't want him back, but I have a very affectionate, loyal cat. Can you turn him into a handsome prince?" The Fairy Godmother said, "Nothing simpler." And POOF, the cat was transformed into a handsome, virile young man.

At this point, the Fairy Godmother said, "My work here is done. Enjoy the rest of your life." And she departed.

Cinderella gave the young man a knowing, come hither, look, and he said, "I hope you remember that you had me fixed."

[jchuzi]

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

[jchuzi]

A Bactrian camel (two humps) fell in love with a Dromedary camel (one hump). In time, a baby camel was born but it had no hump. The proud parents named it...  Humpfree.

[Texas Mac Man]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats
in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched
briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"...the balcony..."

[Xairbusdriver]

[attachment=3470:vehicle_graffiti.jpg]
Vehicle graffiti?

[attachment=3471:two_feet.jpg]
Two Feet of Snow

[Jack W]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Jan 29 2018, 10:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[attachment=3470:vehicle_graffiti.jpg]
Vehicle graffiti?

[attachment=3471:two_feet.jpg]
Two Feet of Snow

Loved them !

[Highmac]

Loved them too... actually laughed out loud at the vehicle graffiti

[krissel]

QUOTE(Highmac @ Jan 31 2018, 04:46 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Loved them too... actually laughed out loud at the vehicle graffiti

Me 2.