Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468034 times)

Offline Texas Mac Man

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1230 on: February 07, 2018, 11:07:43 AM »
One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TVs. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."

The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

Again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde?"

The clerk replied, "Because that is a microwave."
Cheers, Tom

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1231 on: February 07, 2018, 03:52:59 PM »
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists. I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I'm feeling at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, golfing and taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them, "I like them."

And, it works! Just like Facebook!

I already have four people following me...

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist...
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #1232 on: February 09, 2018, 07:30:54 PM »

Finally, a good Trump joke.
 
     Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his
     limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

     A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse"! This
     startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

     Later, the secret service agents supervisor takes him aside and
     asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

     Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald , duck!"
Cheers, Tom

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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1233 on: February 10, 2018, 06:18:54 AM »
That's a good one, and as apolitical as one can get in these politicized times. I know plenty of very political Trump jokes, but TS rules prevent me, sadly, from posting them.  whistling.gif
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1234 on: February 10, 2018, 10:00:19 AM »
We can only control what we can control. Don't blame us for all the rest... "This too, shall pass." rolleyes.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1235 on: February 11, 2018, 03:48:07 PM »
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
 
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley."
 
Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"   He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
 
Tom replied: “I wasn't."
Jon

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Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1236 on: February 19, 2018, 09:30:02 AM »
The Tech thread about the vagaries of the English language prompted posting this one.... (though, strictly speaking, I guess it's English AND Latin)

I said, "Do you like my shirt? It's covered in cactuses."
He said, "Cacti."
I said, "Never mind the tie, what do you think of the shirt..?"
« Last Edit: February 19, 2018, 09:31:43 AM by Highmac »
Neil
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1237 on: February 19, 2018, 09:32:01 AM »
Sounds like some of my conversations with my better half... eek2.gif laughhard.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1238 on: February 28, 2018, 10:09:42 AM »
A friend of mine just related his last fishing trip story to me.
QUOTE
I went fishing last week. After a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.

Frogs are great bass bait!

Knowing the snake couldn't biit me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whicky in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake... with two more frogs!
No animals nor alcohol was consumed in writing this. noevil.gif
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1239 on: March 02, 2018, 09:58:20 AM »
Here's summat for you well-edicated types...

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out - we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
Neil
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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1240 on: March 02, 2018, 10:22:04 AM »
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out - we don't serve your type."

I'm particularly font of that one.
Jon

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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« Reply #1241 on: March 02, 2018, 11:05:45 AM »
That was a great "summat"! Thinking.gif dntknw.gif Or did you intend a small summit?! laughhard.gif I gotta go... I'm send the list to all my friends! I think both will enjoy the jokes!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #1242 on: March 02, 2018, 01:03:55 PM »
QUOTE(Highmac @ Mar 2 2018, 08:58 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
A synonym strolls into a tavern.

I wonder if it ordered a synonym roll to go? tease.gif

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #1243 on: March 02, 2018, 01:19:32 PM »
This one could run and run... biggrin.gif

Neil
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Offline jchuzi

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« Reply #1244 on: March 09, 2018, 02:45:13 PM »
An elderly man needed a delicate heart operation. He insisted that his son, a renowned cardiovascular surgeon,  should perform the procedure. Naturally, the son was reluctant to operate on his father, but the father gave a convincing argument:

"Son, you are one of the leading surgeons in the world. I wouldn't want anyone else to do this risky procedure. But I want you to be prepared in case the worst happens. If I don't survive, your mother will move in with you."
Jon

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