Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468033 times)

Offline Texas Mac Man

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We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1260 on: April 23, 2018, 08:21:55 PM »
The 4th Ape

[attachment=3549:Ape4.jpg]
Cheers, Tom

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1261 on: May 30, 2018, 06:15:59 PM »
Why Women don't do math

"Most of them were reading Snow White and the Seven Dwarf's while being taught math. What they learned is that there are only two kinds of men: Dwarfs and Prince Charming. And the odds of finding the Prince is seven to one against you!

'Math' is simply too depressing!"

Emily Levine
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1262 on: June 03, 2018, 03:43:03 PM »
I just went to a Psychiatrist.
He claimed I was crazy!
I told him I wanted a second opinion!

He said, "OK, you're ugly."
Roger Ebert "speaking" at TED2011
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1263 on: June 03, 2018, 04:11:01 PM »
And a quote from Sam Goldwyn: "Anybody who sees a psychiatrist should have his head examined."
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1264 on: June 23, 2018, 10:24:42 AM »
I found the following report from my personal weather station somewhat amusing. The rain in my backyard can be quite different than the rain at the airport, so they could have had a different rate. But I hope the note about needing "maintenance" doesn't mean their equipment wasn't flooded! :doh: :drown:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1265 on: July 09, 2018, 03:19:12 PM »
Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One turns to the other and asks: "Can you smell fish?"
Neil
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1266 on: July 09, 2018, 04:15:23 PM »
I'm not sure which smells worse... :whew: :scram:

Perhaps those helicopters sprayed something as they flew over?!! :eek:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline krissel

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1267 on: July 10, 2018, 12:19:44 AM »
Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One turns to the other and asks: "Can you smell fish?"
:toothgrin:


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Offline Texas Mac Man

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1268 on: July 25, 2018, 10:37:08 AM »
Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names   :rofl:

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Delhi Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms
Cheers, Tom

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Offline Highmac

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1269 on: August 03, 2018, 03:06:17 AM »
Just asked Siri...

“Surely it’s not going to rain today?”

Siri said: “It will, and don’t call me Shirley.”

Forgot to take my iPhone off Airplane mode...
Neil
MacMini (2018) OS10.14.6 (Mojave). Monitor: LG 27in 4K Ultra HD LED.
15in MacBook Pro (Mid 2014) OS10.13.4 (High Sierra);
15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1270 on: August 03, 2018, 06:07:27 AM »
 :rofl:
Jon

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Offline Texas Mac Man

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1271 on: August 06, 2018, 11:14:24 AM »
Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. And I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender "What's the wifi password?"

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first".

Me: Okay, Ill have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molsons Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Ok. Here you are. What's the wifi password?

Bartender: youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.....
Cheers, Tom

Mac PRAM, NVRAM, CUDA/PMU & Battery Tutorial
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1272 on: August 06, 2018, 11:23:57 AM »
Not very secure for the expense! :rolleyes: It should be longer and also have some numbers, capitals and special characters: youNeedtoBuy2Expensive(!)drinks1st :LOL:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1273 on: August 06, 2018, 02:33:24 PM »
Here's a new disease:

Commuters who share rides and go through the Lincoln Tunnel to New York have noticed that their fingers have become tingly while gripping the steering wheel. The new disease has been named Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Jon

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Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1274 on: August 17, 2018, 11:42:20 AM »
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

 "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

 
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365