We need some Humor!!!

[jchuzi]

Here's a little-known fact: Benjamin Franklin's mother had two sisters. They each kept pet parrots. Gilbert and Sullivan wrote an operetta based on this, and they named it "The Parrots of Ben's Aunts".

[Xairbusdriver]

Here is a well-known fact: Jon should be reprimanded!

[jchuzi]

For those who appreciate our feline friends, take a look at Snorgtees. The two tees about Schrodinger's cat are my favorites.

[jchuzi]

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.

“Hey mister! Great shoes!”

Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.

“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.

“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”

[Xairbusdriver]

Don’t we have a one-per-week limit on these kinds of posts?! If not, I demand won!

[jchuzi]

Limits are for the little people. Here's one that I may have posted in the past, but it's relevant for the season.

Michael Gorbachev had a brother, Rudolf Gorbachev, who was an ardent Communist, even after the collapse of the Soviet Union. He was sitting in his apartment on Christmas eve and looked out the window. "Is raining" he said to his wife. She replied "Is snowing". He said (louder) "IS RAINING'. She replied, even more loudly, "IS SNOWING".

In exasperation, he declared, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

[Jack W]

That will teach you Jim

[Xairbusdriver]

I ain't lernt nothin cinse figerd out how to ty my shooz an I donan plan on lernin nothin nou!!! :rant"

[krissel]

"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

Oh, boy. That brought up a flashback of when I told a version of that joke about 25 years ago at work. Half the room just looked at me, the rest groaned and rolled their eyes.
Some things never change. 

[Highmac]

What's blue and not heavy?

Light blue 

[Highmac]

... Just when you thought it was safe... a couple more!

My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

and...

 My wife said I ruined her birthday.  I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!

[jchuzi]

My wife said that I don't listen to her. At least, that's what I think she said.

[jchuzi]

Let's ring in the new year with some poetry:

A limerick gets laughs anatomical
into space that is quite economical.
   But the good ones I've seen
   so seldom are clean,
and the clean ones so seldom are comical.

And here's another one, and very philosophical:

The bee is such a busy soul,
it has no time for birth control.
And that is why, in times like these,
there are so many sons of bees.

[Highmac]

Aah - limericks. Still keeping 'em clean 

There was a young man from Japan
Whose verses never would scan
When asked why this was
He said 'it's because
I always like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can'

Found a very apt one on MadKane's Humor blog,
Resolutions ain’t sticky, I fear,
Be it sugar, tobacco or beer.
If you’ve broken that pledge,
Please don’t be on edge.
No worries! There’s always NEXT year.
 
On that blog you can also find this offer:
 "If it's humor & lim'ricks you seek,
I can send you an email each week."

And my own offering, though not a limerick:
So Christmas is over,
We're into New Year.
Let's hope it's a good one,
With plenty of beer.

(With apologies to John Lennon...)

[jchuzi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York'?
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K.., but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say?' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'
'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'