We need some Humor!!!

[jchuzi]

Three elderly, hard-of-hearing women board a train out of London. At the first stop, one of the ladies doesn't get to see the name of the station and asks, "I say, is this Wembley?" The second lady says, "No, it's Thursday." And the third lady replies, "So am I. Let's go to a pub."

[Xairbusdriver]

If you can remind us of oldies, so can I:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million dollars.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head, and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

No lawyers were injured in the making of this joke.

[Xairbusdriver]

Speaking of Cilantro...

A Public Service Announcement to all Cats

Catnip: Nepeta cataria is a perennial, herbaceous plant that resembles a typical member of the mint family. It contains the feline stimulant nepetalactone and is used as a recreational substance. However, overconsumption causes drooling, sleepiness, anxiety, unflattering leaping and stupid purring. Indulge responsibly and avoid operating heavy machinery.

[Xairbusdriver]

Cat Guidelines

I found a list of several which I will occasionally post. Feel free to post some of your own. Please start another thread if you think dogs deserve their own, different guidelines to show how much they adore their owners. Cats never bother with that subservient attitude!

To help get things started:

Computers
When your human is working at a computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, then lie on his lap or across his arm. It will help his concentration.

[Highmac]

Our new neighbours, who were accompanied by a cat (can a cat ever be theirs..?), warned us that the feline had a habit of visiting other people. We found early on that if we left the front door open the cat would wander in, pad through the house to the kitchen and then 'call' for the back door to be opened to let her out. Apparently this was a habit she had also brought with her from her previous home     

[Xairbusdriver]

If you are leaving your doors open, count yourself fortunate that the only thing coming in are cats!! Be aware that cats are often chased by dogs...

Actually, this "open door" activity is included in the Cat Guidelines:

Doors
Do not allow any closed door in any room. Meow until your human opens it. Then simply stand there, your job is accomplished.

[jchuzi]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for 1,500 or we can have her shipped back home for 50,000.”

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend 50,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost 1,500?”

The husband replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

[jwboyd]

The weather we've had recently reminds me of this oldie:

A polar bear family sat on the ice telling stories. Papa polar bear told a story, then said, "Mama bear, it's you turn." So Mama polar bear told a story, then said, "Baby bear, it's your turn." Baby polar bear said, "My tale is told!"

[Highmac]

A lot of people believe they dream in colour.

They don't of course. It's a pigment of their imagination.

[Highmac]

"Doctor, doctor, I seem to have become a pair of teepees overnight. What on earth should I do?"

"Relax. You're too tense..."

[jchuzi]

Then, there was the Native American who drank ten cups of tea before bedtime. He drowned in his own tea pee.

[Frances144]

you guys!    

[Highmac]

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Ah one, ah two. Ah one, two, three, four... 

[jchuzi]

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to file the environmental impact statement.

[Highmac]

Response on another forum to the drummer joke:

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?






Anna one, Anna two.