We need some Humor!!!

[dolphin]

As you know, Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics.
Here are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? ( Sweden)
A: So, it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one .
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ?
(England )
A: When, did your last slave die?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da  is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?( England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , right after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? ( Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? ( USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is .. illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Shades of Gray]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several h ours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man I tell her to fix her a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

===================

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The driver got out the machetes and started juggling them, starting with three, then more, and then finally seven at one time. He juggled them overhand, underhand, and behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.

As another car passed by, the driver did a double take, and said to himself, "I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

[Highmac]

HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7 This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[Gregg]

Cool, cat!

Reminds me of an e-mail I sent to a friend when my Broncos were about to play the Packers in the Super Bowl. I crafted it such that each sentence was on one line, with a space between lines, and the first letter of each line spelled out my prediction:

Broncos Win

After they did, I let him in on the secret code. It "bowled" him over!

[Texas Mac Man]

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave
her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and
told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money
back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what
she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back
again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually
happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane.
................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard
that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free",
she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches
and I walked out the door.
................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said,
"Where?"
................They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate a gent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
................They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
................They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
................They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
................They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
................They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces."
................Yep, They Walk Among Us!

[dolphin]

QUOTE(Highmac @ Jun 14 2007, 07:44 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read
each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age can’t do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7 This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

This is funny cat  

[dolphin]

oops! It's not secret anymore!





Sounds tasty...but check out the gas price!



McDeath

[dolphin]

Complaint

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and

the Irish Railway Company: Iarnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the

service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of

standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the

transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years

ago.

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our

service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only

mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.

~~~~~~~

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are

confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of

David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train

in the last two years!

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

[Gregg]

QUOTE(dolphin @ Jun 15 2007, 07:20 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David...

What is that, pray tell?

Cute one!

[Highmac]

Dolphin's post reminded me of this one which, as you will see from the date, has been around for a while. Many of you must have read it previously, but it still brings a smile to my face when I come across it, so hopefully it will for you too.
So here is the classic letter of complaint sent (allegedly!) to UK cable company NTL by an extremely disgruntled customer.

QUOTE

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi*les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John Doe [editor's note: name changed to protect the innocent]

It was a toss-up whether I put it here or in Dick's customer service thread in Tech

[Texas Mac Man]

Four Worms and a lesson

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following  results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil -  Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


That pretty much ended the service --

Cheers, Tom

[sandyman]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment” said the genie. “As a reward I shall grant you one wish.”

“Well,” said Charles, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.”

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

“Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me ?” Charles asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. “This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?”

Charles thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.

I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana” said Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

“But now I love this woman called Camilla,” and he showed the genie the second photo.

“You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?”

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let's have a look at that dog again.”

Sandy

[Highmac]

You could end up in the Tower after that one .....

[Gregg]

A supposedly true story about the pastor of a church....

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in
his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered
warm milk, etc.. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy
enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car
and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the
kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the
car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would
be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car
a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the
kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt
terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen
a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten; So he prayed, "Lord,
I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his
business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed
to see cat food. This woman was a 'cat hater' and everyone knew it, so he
asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her
little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a
few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her
little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on
her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe
this, but I saw it with my own eyes! A kitten suddenly came flying out of
the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her!"
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!!


And if Snopes says it's an urban legend, then it's just a joke, not a true story.

It's cute anyway.

[dolphin]