We need some Humor!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

OK, so we can't drink Lysol (assuming you can find it), how about eating Llama meat?

Some of you disliked having chickens in the back yard. Llama's not only provide possibly useful anti-bodies, they will keep the grass cut!. Just remember:

“if they don’t like you, they’ll spit.”

[jchuzi]

I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

[Xairbusdriver]

I'll burn some flowers in your memory!

[Highmac]

A DOG walks into a grocer's shop with a  basket in its mouth. The shopkeeper spots there's a shopping list and some money inside the basket and fishes it out. He reads the list, places items on it into the basket along with the change and watches, awestruck, as the mutt leaves the shop, the heavy basket in his teeth.


This continues for weeks.


Finally, the shopkeeper decides to follow the dog. He watches as the dog trots up the driveway of a rundown property a mile away from the grocer's shop. The pet places the basket gently on the ground and presses the doorbell with his nose.


A little old lady opens the door and begins striking the canine with a stick.
"Stop! Stop!" shrieks the shopkeeper. "How could you do such a thing? That is the most intelligent dog I've ever seen."


"Intelligent, my arse!" shouts the old crone. "That's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys."

[Highmac]

Sleep deprivation - there's a nap for that...

[Xairbusdriver]

WARNING!!

Keep your International Social Distancing from Neil!! He is obviously testing positive!!!

[jchuzi]

Here's the latest from NASA:

Ten cows were put into orbit. It was the herd shot round the world.

[Xairbusdriver]

Be careful when mail-ordering!

Got some shoes SWMBO ordered for me a few days ago. Left them in garage for several days until all the COVID-19 virus died. Not sure when the last ones were added to the boxes, so we just count the days since we find them on the porch. Also not sure if this virus is aware of their death time schedule... but I digress. Anyway, time to try them on and make sure they fit! Party time!!!

I always put on the left shoe first, as it is about one size larger than the right. Whoa! "What size did you order? This thing is seriously tight!!" She claimed they were the exact size I am currently wearing, of course.

So I took the shoe off so she could check the size label. (You must understand, I am not capable of buying my own clothes. I wore a uniform most of my so-called 'adult' life, so it was my wife's job to buy my 'casual' attire. Made sense to me anyway. And she has much better taste in clothes [and practically everything else] than me!)

The size was correct, at least the new shoes claimed to be the same size as I wear in the same brand, model, style, etc. So, the obvious conclusion is that either my foot had grown in the last few months or the shoe company mis-labeled these shoes! What else could it be?!

Well, she came up with another reason... the wadded up tissue paper in the toe was still in the shoe!!

I have no idea why she left that in there!

It did bring back memories of a similar incident when our #1 Son was still in those high-top shoes when he was just learning to walk. He was unusually 'fussy' all day, but had no noticeable problems. When we changed him into his PJs that night, the cause of his 'complaining' became obvious! Somehow, there was a wadded up sock in the toe of one of the shoes!!!

He taught me well?!

[jchuzi]

Additions to the dictionary:

*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Blue Skype thinking*
A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium”. Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.

*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.

*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin’ dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve”.

*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

[jchuzi]

After the COVID19 crisis has passed, the two most lucrative professions will be divorce lawyer and obstetrician.

[jchuzi]

A Jewish man goes to the rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I need your advice. I think that my wife is trying to poison me." The rabbi replies, "Are you sure?" The man says that he thinks so.

The rabbi says, "I'll speak to your wife. Come back tomorrow and we'll talk."

The next day, the man returns and the rabbi tells him, "I spoke with your wife for about three hours yesterday. My advice is to take the poison."

[Xairbusdriver]

Dilbert 5/25/20 (a non-animated gif)

[Xairbusdriver]

If you've ever used a plastic cement (First image), the solvent type, you should be aware of how Murphy's Law applies; An open bottle of liquid cement tends to overturn at the least opportune time and place. That is why I made a bottle holder out of a scrap piece of wood. It also uses a high-tech method of adjusting to bottles of slightly different dimensions (Second image below).

If the holder is not used appropriately, the last image can be the result. That is not dirt on those keys. So far, the only operational result, after several weeks since "the incident", is the lack of the "&"/"7" key to register with the OS about 77% of the time. Since I dubul chek al my speling, that is not to bigg a problum.

[Highmac]

I was trying to concentrate on something late one evening when I was aware of my neighbour banging on the wall and shouting "Do you know what time it is?"


I called back "It's 1.30am".


Luckily he hadn't woken me because I was practising my bagpipes...

[Xairbusdriver]

Obviously your UK clocks run way too fast!!! I thought you guys had this time thing figured out when you built the Greenwich stuff...

Dilbert Perspective?