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Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 467956 times)

Online jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1470 on: August 31, 2020, 07:13:19 PM »
After 10 years, a wife started to think their child looked kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the the child was not theirs. She told her husband and he replied, "You don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there."

The wife fainted...
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Jon

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Offline Highmac

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1471 on: September 02, 2020, 03:46:22 AM »
Do submarine periscopes have fisheye lenses?
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Neil
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1472 on: September 11, 2020, 10:31:49 AM »
How to double your income!
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Online jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1473 on: October 08, 2020, 11:35:27 AM »
Sage medical advice:

Statistics show that women who carry some extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
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Jon

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Offline jwboyd

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1474 on: October 09, 2020, 03:39:37 PM »
I am cleaning files in preparation for my upcoming move to an assisted living apartment. I want to share with my TS friends a few of the items I have accumulated (and will discard).

Groaners:
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do the letters D N A stand for? National Dyslexic Association.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull and a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?  Sanka.
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
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I'm not a complete idiot -- a few parts are missing!

Online jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1475 on: October 09, 2020, 04:31:57 PM »
I love them!  :whoosh: Best wishes to you in your new digs!  :D
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Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Online jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1476 on: October 19, 2020, 02:46:18 PM »
The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Felix in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
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Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1477 on: October 22, 2020, 01:38:16 PM »
Quote
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.
:dntknw:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1478 on: November 21, 2020, 08:18:18 AM »
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Online jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1479 on: November 28, 2020, 06:56:37 PM »
Pre-covid, a deluxe hotel hosted a convention of chess grandmasters. Each day, they played many games and in the evening, they gathered in the hotel lobby to brag about their latest strategies. The noise became so loud that the other guests complained, and the manager was forced to say this:

"I'm tired of all you chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Jon

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Offline Highmac

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1480 on: November 29, 2020, 04:23:47 PM »

Albert Einstein walks into a bar and orders a double whisky.


"Sorry", said the barman, "I can't serve you."


"Why not?", asked Einstein.


"You've had too much to think.”






Hey folks, we just need a few more to reach Page 100 by New Year 

« Last Edit: November 29, 2020, 04:29:17 PM by Highmac »
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Neil
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15in MacBook Pro (2010), (ex-Snow Leopard); now OS10.13.6 (High Sierra); 500GB Solid-State SATA drive; 4GB memory.

Online jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1481 on: December 06, 2020, 05:59:14 AM »
For your gift-giving list:

A computer is the perfect gift for the woman who doesn't find her husband sufficiently frustrating.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2020, 09:53:00 AM by jchuzi »
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Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1482 on: December 07, 2020, 01:09:31 PM »
Business is booming at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, now a landmark on the Philadelphia tourist trail thanks to Rudy Giuliani's [...] post-election press conference.
Owners have reported they've sold $1.3 million in merchandise
Quote
includ[ing] their "Make America rake again" and "Lawn and Order" shirts.
:rofl:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1483 on: December 09, 2020, 11:51:33 AM »
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

A naive person said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1484 on: December 09, 2020, 03:48:56 PM »
I've always wondered why a two-story elevator has two buttons labeled "1" and "2". Why not just use one labeled "Go"? :dntknw:

I think most new cars are built with Microsoft programs. Otherwise, why would you stop the engine by pressing the "Start" button? :doh:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:
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