We need some Humor!!!

[jchuzi]

Some thoughts for the Day.
 
 The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)...I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
 
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
 
It’s weird being the same age as old people.
 
When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.
 
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
 
Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
 
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
 
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
 
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don’t sing!
 
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.
 
During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?
 
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are...
 
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
 
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
 
We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
 
So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
 
If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
 
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
 
Cronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
 
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
 
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
 
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
 
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
 
How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought “Well aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”
 
At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
 
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
 
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Highmac]

Thanks Jon - you’ve hit the century. You know that one about mountain climbing? Oh yeh...

[jchuzi]

Once there were two nuns:  One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM)   , and the other one was known as Sister Logical  (SL   ) .   It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM:   "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 and a half minutes?  I wonder what he wants.   "
SL:   "It's logical.  He wants   us."
SM:  "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!  What can we do?"
SL:  "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."
A little while later...
SM:   "It's not working."
SL:   "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.  He started to walk faster, too."
SM   : "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."
SL:  "The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."
The man decides to follow Sister Logical. 
Sister Mathematical  arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives. 
SM:   "Sister Logical!      Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me."
SM   : "Yes, yes!  But what happened then?
SL: "I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM   : "And...?"
SL:  "He reached me."
SM: "Oh, dear!  What did you do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do.  I lifted my dress up."
SM: " Oh, Sister!  What did the man do?"
SL: "He pulled down his pants."
SM:   "Oh, no!  What happened then?"
SL: "Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down."
And for those of you who thought this would be dirty, Say two Rosaries!

[kimmer]

Jon posted:

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

 

[kimmer]

1) An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.

2. Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, ”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.” The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow. The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He's Moving!

3. When my daughter asked about two look-alike classmates at her school, I told her that were probably twins. The next day, she came home from school all excited and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"

4. A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell. Yes, says the receptionist irritably. Excuse me, says the woman, but I'm in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please? The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down. Not bad, he smiles, not bad at all.

5. I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

6. A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

7. Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?" He answered, "Shut Up." He asked again "What's your name?" "Shut Up." The police asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!" "Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

8. With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion

[jchuzi]

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel…you know how to fish!"

[kimmer]

1. What insect is always complaining?
A grumble bee.
2. A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
3. "Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
4. Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it!
5. Did you hear about the man who bought a dog with no legs?
He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.
6. What Not To Tell A Friend: You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd really, really miss you and think of you often.
7. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
8. Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man. "You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" "I'm waiting," Jon said. "Waiting for what?" asked Jim. "Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."
9. An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yuck!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
10. What song does Tarzan always sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.

[Xairbusdriver]

My mother always told me that if I couldn't say something nice I should not say anything.
So, Kimmer, "".

[jchuzi]

My mother always told me that if I couldn't say something nice I should not say anything.
So, Kimmer, "".

Bette Davis must have known your mother. When Joan Crawford died, Davis said "Of the dead say nothing but good. Crawford is dead. Good."

[Xairbusdriver]

How to talk like a ND Senator:

"Well, it seems to me that being elected by the Electoral College is a threshold where a title like that is probably most appropriate, and it's, I suppose you can say official, if there is such a thing as official president-elect, or anything-else-elect. And there's an inauguration that will swear somebody in, and that person will be the president of the United States, but whether you call it that or not, you know, there are legal challenges that are ongoing - not very many - probably not a remedy that would change the outcome but, so, I don't - again, I don't know how politician refers to another politician, but it does look to me like the big race is really between the inaugural committee and the Justice Department at this point, so we'll see how the emails turn out."

Who says life is not funnier than any comedian?

Bonus! If you can read that text aloud
with only one breath,
you will receive a free
pass to the
Inauguration Parade!
(transportation, food & boarding not included)

[kimmer]

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. Before you start" the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen. "So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord.

[Xairbusdriver]

Better! Keep trying, Kimmer, we're a patient bunch.

[kimmer]

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

The other day, Louise and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Louise finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.' 'Fine.' I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.' I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'

[kimmer]

What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?  He ate himself.

[jchuzi]

I don't know if this is humor, but look at Dave Barry’s Year in Review 2020