Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 467981 times)

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1500 on: December 27, 2020, 04:53:48 PM »
I'm only half way through and still have too many "best-of" quotes!! The last to be added:
Quote
President Trump escalates his attacks on TikTok, a Chinese-owned social media app that threatens our national security by causing millions of Americans to learn stupid dances while Chinese people are making useful products to sell to Americans. The president wants to force TikTok to be sold to Microsoft, apparently in the hope that Microsoft will render it unusable by means of “updates.”
Pictures at Ten!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1501 on: December 28, 2020, 10:01:39 AM »
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman. Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion! "Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!" "Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

Offline jwboyd

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1502 on: December 28, 2020, 02:12:14 PM »
Thanks,kimmer. One of the funniest to date!
I'm not a complete idiot -- a few parts are missing!

Offline Texas Mac Man

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1503 on: December 28, 2020, 07:10:27 PM »
Twas the Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they'd had in their life.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff, he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't have been the first time I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.

Well, I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed up my gun,
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop, fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent, Roy, I'll see ya in court."
Cheers, Tom

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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1504 on: December 29, 2020, 10:50:49 AM »
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

 1. Republicans: one, but they are so angry at being asked that they break two bulbs and the next time it needs changing they deny the dark.
 2. Democrats: one, but they have no spares, then buy the wrong bulbs so they have to make two costly trips to the store to get it done.
 3. Libertarians: none, since there is no government there is no electric power and light bulbs are unnecessary.
 4. Trade Unionists: three. A senior bulb procurer hired by the Republicans that also greets at Walmart, a junior bulb locator hired by the Democrats to keep the bulb drawers filled, and an immigrant that screws bulbs.
 5. Communists: thousands, since the five year plan will require public bulb screwing training for everyone on pain of death, but there are no light bulbs so everyone waits in the dark afraid to fall asleep.
 6. Ex-Communist Oligarchs: three. A Senior bulb procurer hired by the Communists that also greets at Gum, a junior bulb locator hired by Cossacks to keep the bulb drawers filled, and a Trump primate that screws bulbs.
 7. Liberals: two. One Democrat and one relative to stand around and complain about angst and guilt of not using LED bulbs.
 8. Socialists: two. One to screw in the light bulb and one more to write an Op Ed experience about the ordeal for the house blog.
 9. Progressives: two: a Democrat and someone to caucus with the Democrats about bulb screwing rights and privileges.
10. Fascists: five: One to screw in the light bulb and four as support staff to strafe passing civilians as cover.
11. Freedom Caucusers: two. One illegal immigrant who changes the bulb and another one to appear on Fox News to decry illegal immigrants for changing light bulbs.

What's your favorite "How-many-does-it-take" joke?

PS: Some may think this is political, but i think every 'side' is tarred equally! :thumbup: :clap:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1505 on: January 01, 2021, 09:50:27 AM »
NEW YEARS HUMOR
  • What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
  • What's a cows favorite holiday? Moo Year's Eve.
  • They say New York City has the best New Year's celebration, but I say it's overrated. Every year they drop the ball.
  • Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they didn't planet in time.
  • Why do you need a jeweler on December 31? To ring in the New Year.
  • I thought I got lost on New Year's Eve, but then I found the Auld Lang sign.
  • My New Year's resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.
  • I'm going to stay up late this New Year's Eve. Not to ring in the New Year, but to make sure this one leaves.
  • My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate. I'll start tomorrow.
  • I was going to give up all of my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that no one likes a quitter.
  • Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.
  • What did the ghost say on January 1? "Happy Boo Year"
  • Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve? He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1506 on: January 04, 2021, 11:39:52 AM »
There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women. "Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1507 on: January 04, 2021, 03:19:23 PM »
Sorry, but I don't understand how the Genie and the three guys are related... :whoosh:
Quote
"I left the room key in the car!"
And that is why there are "house phones" on every floor. :Thinking: :yes:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1508 on: January 06, 2021, 04:51:19 PM »
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1509 on: January 08, 2021, 10:02:19 AM »
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what? The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1510 on: January 08, 2021, 10:43:37 AM »
I think we have a winner! :clap:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jwboyd

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1511 on: January 12, 2021, 02:22:39 PM »
My son sent me this link, along with permission to post it here. I had a good laugh over it. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpAKcQufacc
« Last Edit: January 12, 2021, 02:28:46 PM by jwboyd »
I'm not a complete idiot -- a few parts are missing!

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1512 on: January 12, 2021, 07:07:51 PM »
My son sent me this link, along with permission to post it here. I had a good laugh over it. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpAKcQufacc

 :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

PS: I saw Snowball's cousin in there. :wub:  (which seems to be missing from our smilies)

Edited because I'd missed the heart smiley, and now it's there thanks to xABD
« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 09:21:33 AM by kimmer »

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1513 on: January 18, 2021, 01:39:20 PM »
Here’s all you need to know to make you a believer in the vaccine.  The company Pfizer, which announced a vaccine against Covid-19, is the same company that created Viagra.  Therefore, we can fully rely on the announced vaccine because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, they should certainly be able to protect the living.

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Bill found a half frozen tiny bird as he walked home so he put it in his pocket to give it a chance of survival. When he showed the wife, she told him how much she loved him for being so kind and sensitive, so he thought he'd try for a bit of sex as she was in a good mood.

Aghast, she said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
Jon

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Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1514 on: January 19, 2021, 10:07:13 AM »
Bill found a half frozen tiny bird as he walked home so he put it in his pocket to give it a chance of survival. When he showed the wife, she told him how much she loved him for being so kind and sensitive, so he thought he'd try for a bit of sex as she was in a good mood.

Aghast, she said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".

 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: