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Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 467986 times)

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1515 on: January 19, 2021, 10:17:30 AM »
Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, “Does anyone want a cup of coffee?” “Yes please!” we said. He replied, “What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!" The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1516 on: January 19, 2021, 10:25:19 AM »
I love a doctor who gets right to the point. :blush-anim-cl:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jwboyd

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1517 on: January 19, 2021, 02:13:56 PM »
Got this from an online friend this morning:

"We were so happy to say goodbye to 2020, but now we're stuck with 2021!"
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I'm not a complete idiot -- a few parts are missing!

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1518 on: February 02, 2021, 12:35:18 PM »
Sure, knock knock jokes are juvenile and corny. But when anybody says "knock knock" to you, it's almost physically impossible to not respond with "Who's there?" We have to know the answer. It's an involuntary reflex. Try to get a laugh out of these corny ones.

Knock knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine, Hawaii you?

Knock knock. Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are, asking me so many questions?

Knock knock. Who's there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business.

Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? God bless you.

Knock knock. Who's there? Mustache. Mustache who? Mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

Knock knock. Who's there? Amish. Amish who? Really? You don't look like a shoe.

Knock knock. Who's there? Gorilla. Gorilla who? Gorilla me a hamburger.

Knock knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.

Knock knock. Who's there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the volume, I love this song!

Knock knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up!

Knock knock. Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today.

Knock knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No, car go "beep beep"!

Knock knock. Who's there? Icing. Icing who? Icing so loud, the neighbors can hear.

Knock knock. Who's there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.

Knock knock. Who's there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!

Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Dang! All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.

Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in it's cold out here.

Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my bubble gum!
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1519 on: February 02, 2021, 03:24:31 PM »
Knock,knock!

Who's there?
OH NO!!!
It's kimmer!!!
:scram:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
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CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Highmac

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1520 on: February 02, 2021, 04:03:48 PM »
Knock knock! Who’s there?


Doctor...
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Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1521 on: February 03, 2021, 09:03:09 AM »
Quote from: Highmac on February 02, 2021, 04:03:48 PM
Knock knock! Who’s there?


Doctor...
:rofl:
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Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1522 on: February 03, 2021, 09:10:11 AM »
Here's more, courtesy of a friend. (Yes, I have some of those. HAHA)

Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Hey, don't cry!

Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice door open or what?

Knock knock. Who's there? Theodore! Theodore who? Theodore wasn't open so I knocked.

Knock knock. Who's there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you, now hand over the cash!

Knock knock. Who's there? Pecan!  Pecan who? Pecan somebody your own size!

Knock knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub already. I'm drowning!

Knock knock. Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie way you can let me in now?

Knock knock. Who's there? Cantaloupe!  Cantaloupe who? Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.

Knock knock. Who's there? Closure. Closure who? Closure mouth while you're chewing!

Knock knock. Who's there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, but I'd love some peanuts!

Knock knock. Who's there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock knock jokes!
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1523 on: February 03, 2021, 11:31:53 AM »
If those are coming from “friends” you need to check into finding some knew ones!!! :yes: :laughhard:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1524 on: February 04, 2021, 09:25:52 AM »
1. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.

2. Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but he decides to serve them anyway. "What'll it be, boys?" The first vampire says, "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says, "I, too, wish for blood!" The third vampire says, "Give me plasma." The bartender smiles and says, "Got it. Two bloods and a blood-light."

3. Confusius say, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."

4. In the line-up at the store, a man overheard the checkout clerk ask the lady in front of him if she had an air miles card. “Oh, yes,” she said. “I have enough air miles to get to where my son lives.” “That's wonderful,” said the cashier. “My son doesn't think so,” the lady replied. “I don't have enough to get back.”

5. Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?  17 and under are not admitted.

6. Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.

7. Q: Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
A: She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
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Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1525 on: February 04, 2021, 09:26:29 AM »
Quote from: Xairbusdriver on February 03, 2021, 11:31:53 AM
If those are coming from “friends” you need to check into finding some knew ones!!! :yes: :laughhard:
I'm going to use the "closure" one on my grandson. ;)
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1526 on: February 04, 2021, 09:40:30 AM »
Just tell him to keep his elbows ON the table! :laughhard:

Ylsuoires, enjoy watching your GD's! Remember, you and they have a common enemy! :yes:

Last time mine moved to FL, I discovered that it is NOT illegal for parents to take their kids across state lines! Who knew?! :dntknw: :WOW:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1527 on: February 04, 2021, 09:54:03 AM »
An important piece of advice:

Learn from your parents' mistakes: Use birth control.
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Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1528 on: February 04, 2021, 10:48:37 AM »
"Learn from your parents' mistakes"
"fuhgitaboutit!!" Our parents were the stupidest people we know... until we got older! :whoosh: :wallbash:
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THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline kimmer

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1529 on: February 05, 2021, 09:37:27 AM »
My friend Jack is really lazy - he's the only one I know who has installed a smoke alarm with a snooze function.

What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!

A police man pulls over a drunk driver for not stopping at a stop sign and asks the driver if he saw the stop sign. The driver replies "I did but it turned red too fast for me to stop."

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.

Knock knock. Who's there? Figs! Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it's broken!

Knock knock. Who's there? Yacht. Yacht who? Yacht to know me by now!

Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes a nice place you got here.

Knock knock. Who's there? Mikey! Mikey who? Mikey doesn't fit in the keyhole!

Knock knock. Who's there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yes, they do.

Knock knock. Who's there? Sherlock. Sherlock who? Sherlock your door tight.

Knock knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, thou looketh tired!
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