We need some Humor!!!

[Xairbusdriver]

 

[jchuzi]

For her college class a girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible.  The instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant . . . I wonder who did it."

[Xairbusdriver]

Happy 245th!!

Or, as the British would say, "Happy treason day, you ungrateful Colonials!"
 

[jwboyd]

I was in London once on the Fourth of July and was warmly received. (The afternoon temperature rose to 95° F.)

[kimmer]

1. Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

2. Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

3. Q: Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone.

4. Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.

5. A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

6. Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: Decalfeinated.

7. If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

8. Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

9. Q. What's a shark's favorite sandwich?
A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!

10. Q: Why did the painting go to jail?
A: It was framed.

11. Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!

[kimmer]

1. A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

2. Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

3. Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: Because they make up everything.

4. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

5. Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

6. Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

7. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

8. I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

9. A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

10. Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

[Xairbusdriver]

Clever Cockatoos Are More Culturally Complex Than We Thought!

"They're not something like ibis or crows that are scavengers. These are good, self-respecting seed-eaters — or at least plant-eaters."

Then he was astonished at what he saw later!!

"The thing that really got me was when I saw a cockatoo fly up from a rubbish bin, [...] holding a chicken drumstick in its foot..." (a cockatoo can perch on one leg and hold its food in another) "Here it was, just munching on a drumstick, and I thought, '...this is verging on cannibalism.' Certainly once cockatoos start eating meat, we're done for."

And the future may not be as bright as we would hope!

So cockatoos adapt to the humans, who then adapt to the cockatoos, who then adapt once again, and so on... an evolutionary "arms race.
...
t seems like Major is on Team Cockatoo. "I'd say generally the way people operate is, we only ever tackle a problem [after] it's a problem," he says. "So I think we will be slower learners than the cockatoos".

I already know some folks like that! Sometimes, I see one when I look in a mirror!

[Xairbusdriver]

Are you sure that "It takes all kinds"?

"The greatest vaccine day outfit of all time?" (see image)

[krissel]

He actually looks like a new variant!   

[Highmac]

Some three decades ago, I went into hospital to have an ear operation. During the medics' preliminary meeting I got the obligatory 'don't blame us' chat that says there's always a chance things can go wrong but you can't sue us - I could end up with a damaged facial nerve, which could leave me with a damaged face and no improvement in hearing.


"Never mind," said a sympathetic colleague next to me. "If the worst happens at least you won't hear people making fun of you..."



 

[jchuzi]

Locally, several big box stores opened. They seem to have the same merchandise, however. I guess that when you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

[jchuzi]

"Fuchsia" is the most carefully spelled word in the English language.

[kimmer]

Totally swiped this from a friend.

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

[jchuzi]

Little known fact about Captain Kidd, the notorious pirate:

The captain and his men raided a ship that was carrying valuables and they sailed away as fast as they could in order to evade pursuit. The captain, savvy seaman that he was, sent one of his sailors to the crow's nest to look for ships. The sailor yelled, "Captain! A warship is on the horizon and gaining on us."

The captain then ordered the sailor to come down. He said, "Sailor, go below and fetch my red shirt. If we are boarded and I am wounded, the other sailors will not know and they will continue to fight valiantly." Then, he ordered the sailor to go aloft again to evaluate the situation.

Presently, the sailor yelled, "Captain! There are ten ships chasing us and closing fast!" Again, the captain ordered the sailor to come down and he said, "Sailor, go below and fetch my brown pants."

[kimmer]

It's Friday and we all need a laugh.

1. What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants.
2. How many ears do space aliens have? Three: The left ear, right ear and the final front ear.
3. What shivers at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
4. The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
5. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels.
6. What did the princess say in the photo booth? “Someday my prints will come.”
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!
9. What’s the best time to see a dentist? Tooth hurty.
10. What did the grape do when it got stomped on? It let out a little wine.