Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 453634 times)

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1650 on: October 23, 2023, 11:18:47 AM »
My wife took me to one of those rummage sales. :wallbash: Had to bring me back home. :whistling: She couldn't afford the prices folks were demanding! :doh:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1651 on: October 30, 2023, 12:30:55 PM »
 Although not in the dictionary, it is reported that "Lexophile" describes a person who loves sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," and, "To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

An annual competition is held by the 'New York Times' to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:

◾I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
◾England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
◾Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
◾This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
◾I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
◾A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
◾When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
◾I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
◾A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
◾A will is a dead giveaway.
◾With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
◾Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
◾A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
◾The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
◾He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
◾When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
◾Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
◾I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
◾Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
◾When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
◾When chemists die, they barium.
◾I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
◾I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1652 on: October 30, 2023, 02:11:15 PM »
Great collection of email sigs there. Does anyone still use email besides me? 🤔
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline krissel

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1653 on: October 31, 2023, 03:05:04 PM »
Great collection of email sigs there. Does anyone still use email besides me? 🤔


I do.   :)


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Offline krissel

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1654 on: October 31, 2023, 03:08:24 PM »
Jon, love those!   :toothgrin: ❤️


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Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1655 on: February 06, 2024, 12:55:04 PM »
This list may be lengthy, but it is well worth reading:

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures. It’s my face.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

It turns out that when asked who is your favorite child, you are supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

I cannot believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row, now.

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit, contemplating if you actually need it any longer.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.

A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally, I serve turkey -- but, hey, if it will make them happy . . .

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So, tonight after dinner, I’m dropping her off at her parent’s house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer: “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. I asked another and he also said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I put our scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the “Wizard of Oz” and wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I joined Facebook.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can't be accurate!”

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have lots of new ideas.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

I just burned 1,200 calories: I forgot the pizza slices in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.

Never trust an electrician who has no eyebrows.

My neighbor knocked on my front door at 3am. 3AM!  Luckily, I was already up, playing my bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “The Hoarders,” and think, “Wow! My house looks great.”
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1656 on: February 07, 2024, 09:04:47 AM »
I think this is your best contribution! :WOW: :thanx:
Of course, considering the source that's not saying much! :wallbash: :whistling: :coolio:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline krissel

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1657 on: February 07, 2024, 12:17:35 PM »
Thanks, Jon!  We needed that. At least I did.   :yes: :toothgrin:


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Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1658 on: June 03, 2024, 04:48:49 PM »
Words of Wisdom From Military Training Manuals

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US .Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall
Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell, " Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by
then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
but if ATC screws up, ....
the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military
aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed
to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1659 on: June 05, 2024, 04:07:50 PM »
Always enjoyed Columbo!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1660 on: June 05, 2024, 04:37:18 PM »
Fortunately, this does not smack of anything political.   :nono:  :Devilish:
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1661 on: June 06, 2024, 09:04:51 AM »
Of course not! Just nostalgia for when "Truth" was based on fact. :thumbup: :whoosh:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1662 on: June 07, 2024, 05:33:45 PM »
My penitence:

Do you know what separates us from animals?
Fences, usually.
As the machinist said, "When it comes to chamfers, don't cut corners!" :nono:

BYW, there's a new vid from TOT!
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes:

Offline jchuzi

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1663 on: June 11, 2024, 08:18:49 AM »
Laugh for the day: Cannot shop at Costco anymore.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the man behind her was on the verge of a heart attack from laughing so intensely. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
Jon

macOS 11.7.10, iMac Retina 5K 27-inch, late 2014, 3.5 GHz Intel Core i5, 1 TB fusion drive, 16 GB RAM, Epson SureColor P700, Photoshop CC, Lightroom CC, MS Office 365

Offline Xairbusdriver

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Re: We need some Humor!!!
« Reply #1664 on: June 11, 2024, 09:48:46 AM »
That's why I use the Iam's® Cat Food diet; cat's are much more private in their personal hygiene habits. :blush-anim-cl: Plus, you get some exercise accessing the litter box. :Thinking:
THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF COUNTRIES
Those that use metric = #1 Measurement system
And the United States = The Banana system
CAUTION! Childhood vaccinations cause adults! :yes: