Author Topic: We need some Humor!!!  (Read 468017 times)

Offline Highmac

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« Reply #180 on: July 24, 2007, 12:48:44 PM »
QUOTE(pendragon @ Jul 23 2007, 02:29 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, does he still need correcting? Thinking.gif whistling.gif

E-mailed this one to a former colleague (female) and got the following response.
QUOTE
I think he should take his own Tippex with him ...

Don't know if Tippex is universal, but over here it's the white stuff used for correcting typing errors. Remember them? smile.gif
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Offline jwboyd

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« Reply #181 on: July 24, 2007, 01:04:26 PM »
Over here we just call it "whiteout." One popular brand was "Liquid Paper." I used to use a LOT of it!
I'm not a complete idiot -- a few parts are missing!

Offline Jack W

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« Reply #182 on: July 24, 2007, 02:38:48 PM »
And then there's the one about the secretary that had white-out all over her/his computer screen.
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Offline Paddy

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« Reply #183 on: July 25, 2007, 11:00:37 AM »
T-shirt slogan for women of a certain age:

"I'm not 50! I'm $49.95 plus tax."
"If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in." ~Author unknown •iMac 5K, 27" 3.6Ghz i9 (2019) • 16" M1 MBP(2021) • 9.7" iPad Pro • iPhone 13

Offline sandyman

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« Reply #184 on: July 25, 2007, 03:09:20 PM »
Maybe too UK specific, but I hope folks understand it anyway



One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I want you make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss".

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks.....

I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah,

"Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Yup".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Uh huh".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Indeedy"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether...
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"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".


Sandy

Offline kimmer

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« Reply #185 on: July 25, 2007, 05:19:52 PM »
Groaner.gif

And 2 more groaners ... one visual, one not.

[attachment=487:ATT333.jpg]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your a**".
« Last Edit: July 25, 2007, 05:20:22 PM by kimmer »

Offline jepinto

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« Reply #186 on: July 26, 2007, 07:37:59 AM »
Here is a video that still has me laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI
Do not fear your enemies.  The worse they can do is kill you.  Do not fear friends.  At worst, they may betray you.
Fear those who do not care; they neither kill nor betray, but betrayal and murder exist because of their silent consent.
~Bruno Jasienski~

Offline Gregg

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« Reply #187 on: July 26, 2007, 07:44:09 AM »
QUOTE(Paddy @ Jul 25 2007, 11:00 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
T-shirt slogan for women of a certain age:

"I'm not 50! I'm $49.95 plus tax."


Change your post count! Yikes! 6,666 wink.gif
Ya gotta applaud those bunnies for sacrificing their hearing just so some guy in Cupertino can have better TV reception.

Offline Texas Mac Man

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« Reply #188 on: July 26, 2007, 08:04:28 AM »
TRIP TO WAL-MART (APPLIES TO MEN AND WOMEN)

You are in the  middle of some kind of project around the house…mowing the lawn, putting a new  fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.   You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on.  You know the  outfit, shorts with the hole in the crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows  what, and an old pair of  tennis shoes.  Right in the middle of this great  home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get  something to help complete the job.  Depending on your age you might do the  following.

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school  with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a sweatshirt that  is long enough to cover the hole in your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty, so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart.  Check yourself in  the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running  the register is your daughter's age, and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and swear not  to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, “I've Got Worms.”

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing.  No need for a  hat.  Hose the dog doo off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog doo on your shoes.  The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your  80's:

Stop what you are doing.  Start it again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart.  Go to Wal-Mart and wander around  trying to think what it is you are looking for.  You think someone called out your name.  The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
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Offline Jack W

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« Reply #189 on: July 26, 2007, 02:13:42 PM »
QUOTE(jepinto @ Jul 26 2007, 08:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here is a video that still has me laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI


Hey Jennie —

indeed cute! I'll bet they'd have trouble keeping those line straight without the bars tied to their feet and bodies!

Good one.

- Jack
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Offline RNKIII

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« Reply #190 on: July 26, 2007, 03:49:45 PM »
Small Town


Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this.

Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it is.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road.
On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches
on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to 'drag' Main .

5) Most people went by a nickname

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers,
because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old
you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.) Besides,
where would you get the money?

8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes,
you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn
by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.

18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the dairybar.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of
your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask
if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) There was no McDonalds.

28) The closest mall was over an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.


31) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is true, and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small town.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2007, 04:32:06 PM by Xairbusdriver »
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Offline Jack W

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« Reply #191 on: July 26, 2007, 07:33:09 PM »
OK, here's a couple of oldie retreads:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiftil, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t think so.

---------------------
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, “Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?”

“Sure that sounds great!” said Julie.

“Well, how much do you want me to pay you?” asked the man.

“Is fifty bucks all right?” Julie asked.

“Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage.”

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

“Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?” asked the wife.

“Well, she must, she was standing right on it!” her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. “I’m all finished” she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

“You painted the whole porch?”

“Yeah,” Julie replied, “I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!”

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

“Oh, and by the way,” said Julie, “That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

------------------------

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. These four friends were so confident about their grades that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time—however, after all the hardy-partying, they didn’t make it back to Duke until

Monday morning, right as the final exam was beginning in the chemistry class.

Rather than taking the final right then, they waited until after the test was finished, then found their professor and offered him their agreed upon explanation. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final, but begged to be allowed to make it up.

The professor thought it over briefly, then agreed they could make up the final on the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.”

Each finished the first problem and turned thc page. On the second page was written: “(For 95 points): Which tire?”

--------------------------

Clever these professors!
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Offline dolphin

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« Reply #192 on: July 26, 2007, 10:06:30 PM »
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.

 

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

 

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

 

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

 

But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy

Offline Gregg

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« Reply #193 on: July 27, 2007, 07:37:11 AM »
QUOTE(jepinto @ Jul 26 2007, 07:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Here is a video that still has me laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH8YiuPbYZI

Is the guy in the headdress a true Native American? If not, I guess this wasn't an NCAA sponsored event.  dry.gif
Ya gotta applaud those bunnies for sacrificing their hearing just so some guy in Cupertino can have better TV reception.

Offline dolphin

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« Reply #194 on: July 30, 2007, 03:02:14 AM »
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST

Two doctors opened an office in a small  town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and  Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the  sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids  and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an  effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign  to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and  Anal Retentive."

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds."

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."

Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."

No way.

"Nuts and Butts."

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks."

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons."

Forget it.

At their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,  Odds and  Ends."

Everyone loved it.
"If it aint broke; don't fixit"
Roy