We need some Humor!!!

[Gregg]

This thread is so long, it's not funny! Er, it's long.

Neil, English has got to be the wurst! Words sound the same, are spelled differently, and the other way around. Or they're spelled the same, with different meanings... An English teacher will be along to tell us which ones are synonyms, etc.

[sandyman]

Life Explained


On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Texas Mac Man]

Three Southerners and Three Yankees

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter
line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and
watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket. "How are the three
of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch
and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three
Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly
after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He
knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just
a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took
it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed,
so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money. That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a
single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment,
the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to
travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and
learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a
toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the
way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the
war.

[David]

Last night, I took a girlfriend to a French Restaurant.

We had a wonderful evening - the ambiance was truly Gallic and the food was "par excellance".

She had Frog's Legs, Chicken Breasts and ...

... a Great Personality!



After 212 previous contributions, I hope you haven't heard it before.

[jepinto]

Hey David!  Good to see you again.

Nope, ain't heard it.  

[Gregg]

QUOTE(David @ Aug 16 2007, 05:06 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Last night, I took a girlfriend to a French Restaurant.

You've got more than one?!    

[dolphin]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
      " I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy."

       "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."

       "How much do you charge?"

       "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
      "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

      Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.   "Why didn't
you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the
psychiatrist.
      "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful
lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10.  I was so happy to have
saved
all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

      "Is that so!  And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

      "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -
     Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

[Xairbusdriver]

Crocheted Dolls

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
 
A Wife's Prayer :
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, I don't know how to crochet, and if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.

[jepinto]

QUOTE(Xairbusdriver @ Aug 18 2007, 10:36 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

A Wife's Prayer :
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, I don't know how to crochet, and if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.

     

[Gregg]

If she's angry that often, she might in fact beat him to death. Stress kills.

[dolphin]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you
that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you
for seven years and
I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the
last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't
even notice that I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal and even wore
a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER
and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!




Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. It's true that you and I
have been married for seven years,
although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a
girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned
away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and
I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home
you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the
letter you wrote ensures you won't get
a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a
problem.

[DaveF]

dolphin,
Saved this to read sometime when I think I've had a bad day.  Best tonic I can think of.  

Dave

[kimmer]

THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[RHPConsult]

Priory Priority

The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.

"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."

"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."

[krissel]

People are so gullible.

http://shizzville.com/invisible-rope