We need some Humor!!!

[sandyman]

A bit risque?


A little boy got on the bus in Dublin , sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said. ' Oi am a Father.'

The little boy replied. 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar loike dat .

The priest looked up from his book and answered. ' Oi  am  da Father of many.'

The boy said. 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and he doesn't wear his collar dat way!

The priest, getting impatient, said. ' Oi am da Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. 'Maybe ya should wear yer pants backwards instead o ' yer  collar.'


Sandy

[Gregg]

IN MY FOOTSTEPS?

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about
her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the
doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little
girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart,
thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument:"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"

==================================================
A WISE LITTLE GIRL

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in
Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says that's wrong."

==================================================
TOO ROUGH

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
 
==================================================  
THUMB SUCKING
 
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what *you've* been doing."

[sandyman]

OK, this is a bit Risque.  

Don't follow the link if you are at all easily offended.  

Personally I thought that it was hilarious, but that may just be a Brit sense of humour thing.  

If you visit The Register you know what sort of things you can expect. The Register

Sandy

[Gregg]

These are mild, but offensive if you're a member of this particular minority group. To the rest of us, most are rather humourous...


E-Mail Procedures

A blonde went to her mail box several times early one
morning, long before it was time for the mail carrier to come
around. A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and
asked if she was waiting for a special delivery. "No," she
said, "but my computer keeps telling me I have mail!!"



Don’t jump

 A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The
news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette
says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and
saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."


Jump!

Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette,
"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps
and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams
into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!"
say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the
blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump"! "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away"! "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."



Blondes are smarter than Lawyers

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she
would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a
nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy
and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows, all to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the
lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.




Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so
she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after
her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying
on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a
ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He
then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

(scroll down)... I love this one ...

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS


 " Never Let A Blonde Paint Your Porch "

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,  "and  I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


Hail Damage

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when suddenly she found herself in the middle of a really bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls and her car was dented quite badly. The next day she takes it to a repair shop to have it looked at.

The repair guy noticing that she`s blonde and quite dingy when she speaks , decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tailpipe really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all the dents to pop out.

When she gets home she starts blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend who is also a blonde shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tailpipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "what are you doing?"She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tailpipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"


Blonde with Class

On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."

 Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

 The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

 He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"

 Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[Highmac]

As a counterbalance to (most of) the last batch of jokes....

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies... "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[jepinto]

As I've Matured...  


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just mules.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep being nauseous long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.    

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.  And the real pains in the butt are permanent.

[Highmac]

Overheard in a pub.... Some athlete, speaking on TV news, admitting to having used banned drugs, says: "I am responsible, I knew what I was doing; I have nobody to blame but myself and I take full responsibility for my actions." One customer caused much laughter when he said loudly: "SHE'll never become Prime Minister...."  

[jepinto]

Maybe not humor...

"When  someone shares something of value and it benefits you, you have a  moral obligation to share it with others."


Chinese  Proverb

[Gregg]

kids

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:  "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.
Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the
first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir
came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until
the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday
to you. Happy birthday to you..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned
in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his
engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress
and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's hell to iron."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied,
"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[Highmac]

Boy, do we need some humo(u)r.....

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers....

 

[krissel]

[kimmer]

Camping Trip

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when they came upon a great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed they would meet in twenty years at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long, came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"

"No, it's not."

"Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."

"Don't be silly. You can't tell a brook by its clover."

- = - - = - - = - - = - - = - - = - - = -

The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

[Highmac]

Vista 'advert' (language warning! Though I'm sure that goes without saying)
http://www.blip.tv/file/340692

[krissel]

Oh Neil, that's hysterical.  

[dolphin]

Very funny...very very funny!!! Good one Neil!