These are actual statements gleaned from High School
test papers.
- A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant
orgasm" (instead of organism). At the end of the student's essay,
the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big
Bang Theory."
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others
preferred to be oil.
- All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived
peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and
condoms.
- Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in
France.
- Men are mammals and women are femammals.
- Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
- Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
- Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to
science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
- The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
- A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you
don't, why you should.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is
known as constipation.
- The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
- Some people say we condescended from apes.
- If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
adolescence.
- When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you
expire.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube.
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even
deader.
- Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire.
- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
- The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowls, of which there are five a, e, i, o, and u.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops.
- For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artificial perspiration.
- For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her
arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of
the nearest medical doctor.
- For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.
- For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead.
- For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it
drops in your throat.
- To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
